Sixty-Seven—Bo
M
ia and I had been on the road for about forty-five minutes, and she seemed to know I was not in the mood for conversation. Not that she’d tried to engage me. I think her tearful, future-unknown, goodbye to Ivy had left her unsettled, much like mine had.
I thought again of the sweetest question in the English language: But what if I do? What if I do love you, Bo? What then?
Ivy’s words fed me, fed my deepest hunger, but I’d shut her down before she could say anything else. As wonderful as those words were, they weren’t true, and they couldn’t be trusted—and not just because of my obsessiveness . I knew that Ivy was in no shape to declare such a thing—even if she made me believe it. I clenched my hands around the steering wheel. I didn’t want to analyze it all again—I’d been doing that all night long—so I told myself what felt the safest: We’d only known each other for a couple of months—which was way too soon for something as big as love. At least for her.
“What?” Mia said.
I looked over at her, not realizing I’d said anything. “Nothing. Please get your feet off my dash.”
“No. Your dash will live,” she proclaimed, ignoring my request. But she was looking at me. “Are you okay, Bo?”
“I’m fine.”
“Bo?”
“Not really. No. ”
Mia turned toward me. “Did you fight with Ivy? What happened between you two?”
“No. We didn’t fight.” I shook my head and blew out a breath, not sure I wanted to get into this, and Mia didn’t push. Then we were quiet for a moment while a question burned in me. “You love Derek, right?” I blurted.
My sister looked at me. “I do…”
“What are you going to do about that? Loving him?”
“What do you mean?” she said.
“You love him, he loves you. What happens next?”
My sister eyed me with sudden knowing, and I felt entirely exposed, which made me mad because my fantasy could not be measured against Mia’s reality. But Mia is a good sister when she has to be, and she didn’t press me. “I don’t know, Bo,” she said answering my question. “We’re not exactly together at the moment. But…well, Geneva said she saw our children, so apparently, we’re going to be.”
I arched a brow.
Mia grinned. “She asked me the other night who had my heart, and I showed her some pictures of us on my phone. She said two very cool things. She said Derek clearly belonged to me—which I loved—and that she had caught a glimpse of our kids, which I also loved. I know she was just being funny, but…”
“But?”
“But then I saw them…I mean, I started imagining them and…and it’s not freaking me out, Bo. Falling for Derek—falling for a sniper who has a target on his back—is not what I planned, believe me. He’s a Marine—things could happen, bad things, awful things—he is fighting in hell, you know.”
“So. Why love him?”
She seriously scoffed. “I know you know that by the time love happens, it’s way too late to question it. Or deny it. Don’t pretend you don’t know that, brother dearest.”
I didn’t look at her, but we both knew she’d nailed my quandary .
“You can decide what to do about it, I guess, but you can’t decide not to love who you love. It’s imprinted and out of our hands.”
“You really believe that?”
“I do.”
“So…back to my question,” I said. “What are you going to do about loving Derek?”
My sister’s gaze slid past me and out my window, and for a long time she didn’t speak. Finally, she sighed. “I might just have to call that boy and tell him to marry me.”
She wasn’t kidding. I could see it in the set of her jaw, the tears that had filled her eyes.
We were quiet for a few minutes, then Mia turned back to me. “What are you going to do, Benjamin? About loving Ivy?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing for me to do. Just love her.”
“Did you tell her?”
I nodded.
“Did she tell you?”
“She tried, but…”
“But what?”
I shook my head. “She can’t love me. I’m… too much . Besides, she’s still recovering from her life. It’s not even possible.”
“Bo!”
I turned on the radio. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Mia turned it off. “Not an option! Where do things stand?” she said. “I mean, when will you see her again?”
“I don’t know! But like I said, she’ll come to her senses, and her life will take over, and…I don’t know. She did say she had to come back to Monterey to talk to her dad face to face. But I don’t know when. She has to get some of her mom’s business taken care of, and there’s Geneva…so, you know…”
“Then what?” Mia said.
“Exactly, Mia. Then what?”
My sister sighed dramatically, then stared over at me until I met her eyes. “Did you kiss her? ”
I ignored her.
“Oh, my gosh, you did. Tell me!”
I looked straight ahead at the road and willed Mia to shut up.
“I’m not going anywhere, Benjamin,” she said. “And I will keep hounding you, so you might as well dish.”
“Yes, Mia,” I sighed. “I kissed her. Are you happy?”
Her mouth dropped open. “And… and…was it fabulous?”
“Yes. Actually, it was fabulous.”
“Did it bother you? I mean, I’m assuming it was skin on skin, lip on lip, maybe some tongue with no sterile shield between you…”
“Mia! Shut up.”
“Sorry. But I’m serious. How did you do?”
“I don’t think Ivy had any complaints,” I said, stifling a grin at the horizon.
“You know what I mean, Casanova.”
I groaned. “Is there no pride, no dignity left in this world for me? Am I really driving through Alabama dissecting the most personal moment of my life with my sister? My sister ?”
“Yes, and you’re doing a piss-poor job of it. Now spill!” Mia insisted.
I sighed and glanced over at her. “It was…not a problem. I’m sure it must be because of my feelings for her. Or maybe I’ve just been worried over nothing. I mean, I was a little… afraid , I’ll be honest. I didn’t know what to expect. But…it’s almost like Ivy was an extension of me, if that makes sense. Like part of me, not something from the outside of me that I had to contend with. It was very…cool, surprisingly natural. Awesome, if you want to know the truth.” I nodded, reliving it. Probably I smiled.
“You really love her.”
“I do.”
My sister put her hand on her heart and grinned dorkily. “I’m so proud of you, Benjamin, You manned up and claimed your woman! ”
I rolled my eyes. “Down, girl. I kissed her. And I told her I loved her. But that is as far as it will ever go, so nobody was claimed .”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. I’m talking about nothing. Ivy’s a beautiful, broken girl who lives in Georgia and will soon figure herself out and be just fine. I, on the other hand, will always be the nut case who lives in California. See? Nothing is going to happen.”
“It’s not nothing. You’ll see her again.”
“Maybe. But when? For how long? That’s not a life, Mia. She lives in Georgia.”
“You could live in Georgia.”
I didn’t dare look at my sister for fear she would see my desperation. All I wanted was to be close to Ivy. I could move. I had the ideal job for relocating—I could create a suitable space anywhere, which I would do if it were just up to me, because the truth was I wanted Ivy as deep in my life as possible. I hadn’t known her ten days before I realized my life was so much more manageable when illuminated by her. And that was all fine and good and great for me, but what could I possibly offer that girl in return? Nothing but stress which would turn to pity which would turn to resentment. I drove myself crazy, and as much as I ached to be with Ivy, I couldn’t imagine imposing my life on her.
“That would be a lot to ask of her, Mia,” I finally responded. “Why would she want that?”
“Because she loves you, Bo; if she said it, she does. She loves you despite your myriad drawbacks— myriad . And if she loves you, it means she chooses you. You , Bo—the apron-wearing germaphobic, laundry-doing, shower-taking, bead-counting, floor-board-dusting, compulsive that you are. That’s you. That’s who you are. But that’s not all you are. You’re also a very good man. A kind man. You’re creative, a great cook, well-read. Brilliant. Not half bad looking—for a brother. You’re so much more than your weirdness, Benjamin, just accept it.”
“Stop it, Mia! ”
“Look, Bo, love is a leap—that’s what Lullaby tells me all the time. That’s the beauty and the terror of giving yourself to someone—letting go of all the pieces of you and grabbing onto all the pieces of them. Then making something brand new out the whole mess. That’s what love is. And I’m sorry, but if you want it, Benjamin, a little faith in you and in Ivy will be required.”
“You think you’re so smart, Mia.”
“Yes, I do.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes, I do.”