Chapter 23
David
“You can thank me later.”
I’m not quite sure what for at the moment. For the coffee I spilled across the table in shock? For my elbow, which I bumped against the back of the chair in the same movement? Or maybe for the thick magazine-like book she slammed down on the table in front of me. So many possibilities.
“For what exactly?” Better to be safe than sorry.
Judging by her look, that was the stupidest question of the millennium and light years beneath her dignity. I guess she meant the magazine. “What’s that?”
“You can read, right?” Annika pours some almond milk into her coffee and sits down across from me. I let my gaze wander over the cover page and see it’s a yearbook.
“What am I supposed to...” Shit. This isn’t just any yearbook, it’s Lou’s. I find him immediately in the class photo on the back. He looks the same as he did a year ago, hasn’t changed. There it is again, the knife in my chest, sharp and unyielding. “What am I supposed to do with it?”
My sister doesn’t think it’s necessary to answer. Understandably so, because her look is enough to tell me not to act like a complete idiot. “He looks good. Page 27.”
Nervously, I flip to the page she mentioned, and there he is. Louis. A portrait and a full-body photo. She wasn’t lying; he’s very handsome, but I didn’t expect anything else. My index finger gently strokes the photo of his face. All by itself, and by the time I notice, it’s already too late.
“Still?” Pity doesn’t suit my sister; it somehow lacks authenticity. But I’m drowning in an ocean threatening to sink deeper and deeper, so pointed answers are out of the question right now.
“How long have you known?”
“What? That you’re gay or that you love the only guy at school who has more money than we do?” If I’d known I’d regret my question so quickly, I wouldn’t have asked it. If I get gray hair early, it’s her fault.
“Both.”
“You’ve never been seen with a girl, and I know you didn’t lack offers.
They circled you like vultures. Super uncomfortable.
” Maybe, I didn’t pay attention to that.
“As for Louis, I always wondered what was going on between you two. I saw the looks you gave each other at school, at handball. Somehow, it was always a bit more than friendship, and when you were going through such a rough time last year and you weren’t talking to each other anymore, I was 95% sure. The last 5% is in here. Read it.”
No way. My heart is already pounding in my throat.
Just seeing photos of him slashes open wounds that will never heal anyway.
My eyes skim over the first few lines, and whoever wrote this knows Louis damn well.
I feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth and try to suppress it, but it’s hopeless.
Just as hopeless as stopping the single tear rolling down my cheek and dripping onto the page.
Damn, there’s another one, shit. My vision blurs, but I struggle on through the article.
The last sentence pulls the rug out from under my feet.
“And for anyone who has wondered why Louis hasn’t had a girlfriend despite his stunning good looks: he’s into guys.”
He did it, Lou came out, something he always wanted to do.
I’m happy for him, but at the same time I feel worse than I have in a long time.
I always wanted to do that with him. No big explanation, just holding hands on the way to school, kissing him in the auditorium before we had to go to class.
I was so close to talking to my father. I was sure I was ready, I wanted to do it, and when the moment came and I should have said it, I chickened out.
Instead, I hurt and lost the person I loved most. Still love, probably always will love.
My tears fall quietly but unstoppably. I regret going home this weekend. I regret reading Louis’s profile. I regret none of it.
“It doesn’t matter. I ruined everything.”