Chapter 26
David
The bar is packed. I can’t remember so many people ever being here, but then again, I haven’t been here in a few years. Five and a half, to be exact, and yes, that was a conscious decision.
I’ve never been here alone, always with... Fuck. An invisible hand grabs my heart and squeezes it. Still. Will this ever stop? I look at my watch and hope Finn will at least be somewhat on time.
How many times have we sat here waiting for my best friend? How many times has his thigh touched mine under the... What the hell am I doing here? I can still feel it, still feel him. My head sinks onto the tabletop.
“Hey, asshole!” I hear someone shouting, but it’s not Finn’s voice so I ignore it. “Hey! Do you think you’re better than us? Why are you ignoring us?”
I lift my head in annoyance and fuck; I would recognize those golden blond curls anywhere. “Jannis.”
But it’s not Jannis who replies. Of course not. Jannis never talked to me, so it would’ve been a surprise if that had suddenly changed. A tall teenager with dark curls and bright blue eyes answers me. His height makes him look older, but if you asked me, I’d say he’s sixteen max.
“So you’re David.” His tone is provocative, and I wonder if he’s been drinking. Jannis is still looking at me with those piercing cat eyes.
“Yup. And you are?”
“I’m Luca. We’re brothers.” Obviously another foster child of the Delfosse family, as the two couldn’t be more different. Golden blond to jet black, amber to sapphire, but both with deep wrinkles on their foreheads.
“This is really the ex?” Luca asks dismissively, and Jannis nods once silently. “Ah, we don’t like him, do we?” The answer is a vehement shake of the head. Then Jannis beckons Luca over and whispers something in his ear.
“He wants me to ask you what you’re doing here. We haven’t seen you in ages.”
“I’m on semester break and I’m meeting up with old friends.” At least, that’s the plan. It wasn’t my idea, but Finn and I were invited, and we thought it would be nice to go. I thought I could pull it off after so many years. What a mistake.
“Oh, is my brother here too? You’re old friends, aren’t you?” The question hits me like a knife, rams it deeper into my chest and twists it around.
“Oh wait, no, that’s right, there was something.
” Luca dramatically slaps his hand to his forehead.
“Wait a minute, I’m trying to remember, obviously I wasn’t in the family at the time.
I was still in the group home back then, you know?
” Wow. I always admired Louis’s fathers for taking in children who had been through terrible things.
And Luca couldn’t have been young when he joined the family.
“You broke up with him, out of the blue, for no reason, after almost two years of being together. You begged Louis to leave you alone. Is that right, or have I forgotten something?”
Shit, hearing it like that somehow makes it sound worse than it felt at the time. Okay, not worse, because it was bad, really bad. It’s still bad. But shabbier... Fuck.
My chest burns and I desperately try to swallow the lump in my throat.
“Are you still in the closet?”
“I...” My first impulse is to say I’m not gay, but that would be a lie and a stupid one at that, because the two guys in front of me just know better. Jannis whispers in Luca’s ear again.
“He told me to tell you not to lie to us. Jannis saw you together. You can tell your bullshit to a lot of people, but spare us.” Damn, these two together are... I feel like I’m being cross-examined and I don’t like it, but I just lower my head and nod dejectedly.
“Was that the first time in his life he’s been honest?” Jannis shrugs meaningfully. “Aww, I’m so proud of you!”
When a sixteen-year-old pats you on the back, you know you’ve really hit rock bottom. Can I sink any lower?
“Are you planning on changing that?”
“How old are you, anyway?”
“Fifteen, but thanks to my past, I’m mature for my age.”
“How long have you been in the family?”
“I don’t know why that’s any of your business, but you were honest, so you get this one question.
For a good three years. It was my last chance, you know?
” I know the stories of Louis and Jannis, each more dramatic than the other, but they were much younger, eight and six if I remember correctly.
Louis and Jannis were always close, and Luca seems to have settled in well. Apparently, fate connects.
“Do you still think about Louis sometimes?” Yes.
.. constantly... always. His dark eyes, looking at me sadly, almost desperately, haunt me.
So do the tears running down his cheeks, his trembling lower lip and his pain-contorted face.
I see him in every man with dark hair and dark eyes.
Everywhere. I would do anything to turn back time.
“Not going to answer?” I let my head fall back and can’t stop the groan that slips between my lips. “I’ll take that as a yes. Listen, asshole, you don’t deserve him, you really don’t. Louis felt so shitty after what you did. He loved you and you...”
“I know...” My voice is nothing more than a whisper.
“And you? Did you love him too?” I’ve never met anyone who asks the most private questions as bluntly as Luca. It annoys the shit out of me, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m also somewhat impressed by his direct manner.
“Yes, I... I loved him too...” Bullshit. “I… still love him.” I said it out loud. Wow.
I’m kind of proud of myself, but Jannis and Luca both snort at the same time, with exactly the same sarcastic undertone. Damn, it’s creepy how similar these two are, even though they’re not related by blood.
“Are you serious? And you’re just realizing this now, five years later?”
I’m talking to two teenagers about my love life... the question of how low I can actually sink has just answered itself. “I don’t have to discuss this with you. Honestly, it’s nothing of your concern. Mind your own business.”
“Well, if our brother isn’t our business, then I don’t know who is. But we’ll leave you alone.” Despite saying that, they don’t move so I strategically decide to remain silent. If I’m reading them correctly, it won’t stay quiet for long anyway.
“Are you planning to tell Louis how you feel about him?”
“Would it change anything?” My voice is pathetically squeaky and thin. Great.
Jannis runs a hand through his curls and exhales loudly, then whispers to Luca again. “Jannis would actually prefer if you stayed far away from our brother. You don’t deserve him. Period. But Louis doesn’t give his heart away easily. That’s why... Yes, maybe it would change something.”
A small flame ignites in my chest, a small light in my darkness. But even if Louis still has feelings for me, he’ll never take me back... Still, I have to at least try, right?
“I don’t know where he is. He has a new phone number, or he blocked me or something... his Instagram is private...”
“Wow, I sense some hard stalker vibes here.” Luca and Jannis laugh, obviously I’m so pathetic that two teenagers are laughing at me. I roll my eyes. “Do you have plans today?”
My head nods slowly.
“If you meant what you just said, you’d be driving to Karlsruhe now to be at the Chillout Lounge in the Nachtfabrik at 10 p.m.”
Louis is in Karlsruhe? We live in the same city and neither of us knew it? Or does he know, but he doesn’t care anymore? “10 p.m. is impossible to make. Will he be there all night? Does he work there?”
“Yep, but he says it gets crowded after midnight, so you won’t be able to talk then. You know where the Nachtfabrik is, right? If so, get going.” And for some reason, I do just that.