Chapter 37
Louis
“So, how’s it going with Loverboy?”
And just like that, my water takes the wrong direction and I’m choking violently. Is he serious? Loverboy? My “if looks could kill” stare fires across the dining table, but Jannis is still sitting there grinning. Damn him.
“Who’s Loverboy? Looks like we missed something. Did you meet someone?”
“Ah, that’s not quite right. It’s more like an old love never dies thing.” How thoughtful of my brother to describe my current romantic situation to our fathers. But neither Papa nor Paps understand what he means. If it weren’t about me, I’d enjoy the question marks in their eyes way more.
“Louis is seeing David.”
“For months.” Thanks, Luca. You too. Fantastic. I bury my face in my hands.
“Oh. That’s... uh, exciting news. How did that happen?” Papa raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“It’s only been three months, okay. And Jannis and Luca can explain how it happened much better than I can.”
Jannis gives the short version, and Luca adds unimportant details like “And they meet every week” and “David always comes to the club and waits there until Lou finishes work.”
“Have you kissed yet?” Okay, I’m out. I push my chair back and leave the dining room through the patio door.
Our garden is large, so large there are corners that cannot be seen from the house.
There is an old tree with thick, dense branches.
As children, we always climbed it. Later, it became one of my favorite places to retreat to.
The third branch from the bottom on the left side.
One advantage of my small stature is that the branch can still support me.
“Can I sit with you?” Paps.
“Pick a branch.” Of course, at forty-four, my father still swings from branch to branch with the grace of a monkey.
“David, hm.”
I don’t hear a question mark and consider just staying silent, but my lips move before my brain knows what’s coming out. “We were found out.”
“Excuse me?” Okay, that was way too little context.
“Five years ago, almost six now. David wanted to come out, but then his dad had photos of us and he panicked.”
“And instead of coming out he broke up with you?” I shrug helplessly, even though Paps can’t see me from where he’s sitting.
“You know, depending on how you grow up, coming out can be a really big deal. I was lucky that your grandparents showed me from an early age on that it doesn’t matter who we love.
It was different for Papa. His parents never accepted he was gay, and even less so me as the man by his side. ”
Ah, now that makes sense. “That’s why we have no contact with them.”
“Your grandfather has been gone for a while. His inheritance makes this possible for us.” With a sweeping gesture, he points toward the house.
I know we have money, I always knew that, but I didn’t know where it came from.
“Papa saw his mother for the last time when his will was read. All the family he has is what we’ve built for ourselves, but that wasn’t an easy decision.
It was hard for him to know that there would be no future in which his parents and I could coexist.”
“But he chose you.”
“Yes, but he also had the assurance that his parents wouldn’t completely abandon him.
They knew he was gay even before I came into the picture.
They didn’t want to see us together, but they didn’t cut him off either.
And if I understand you correctly, that’s what David is afraid of.
” I take a deep breath. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated?
Why can’t everyone be as cool as my fathers?
They would have been okay with me bringing a girl home, even though they are into men themselves.
“You know, Lou, Jannis isn’t wrong. You loved him back then and you still love him. In five years, no one else has even come close to winning your heart.” That’s painfully correct and isn’t due to a lack of trying.
“But isn’t it completely crazy to get back together with someone who hurt you so badly?”
“David didn’t leave you because he didn’t love you anymore or because he hoped to find someone better.
He left you because he was afraid of his parents’ reaction.
That’s a difference. I’m glad we know now that he’s just a scared boy and not an asshole.
” My head tells me he’s right, but my wounded heart is still ringing the alarm.
As always, when I’m not with him, when I have time to think.
When we’re together, it’s like nothing has changed. It feels familiar and so incredibly close. It’s as if the years and an ocean of tears no longer lay between us.
“Yes. But... what if it’s still not enough? He’s decided against me once. I’m so fucking scared he’ll do it again and I won’t survive that.”
“That’s why you’re keeping him at a distance?”
“Actually, I’m not even sure if he’s out now. I don’t feel like he’s actively hiding us, but we’re far away from home and there’s nothing to hide yet.” Although, he didn’t pull his hand away in the club.
“Does it matter to you if he’s out or not?
Are you willing to give up your visibility if you can’t be together otherwise?
Coming out is always a big step, you can’t force him if he’s not ready, but I think you need to be clear with yourself about what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not. ”
A knock on my door rouses me from a pleasant state between sleep and rest. Two curly heads push through the door crack, one blond, one almost black, so different.
“Can we come in?”
Slowly, I prop myself up on my elbows and nod.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Just to annoy you a little.” These two.
“Are you feeling better now?” I want to ask him why I should feel better, what significant changes could’ve happened in the last seventy-six minutes, but my words get stuck somewhere along the way, because yes, I do feel better.
I don’t know how things will resolve for David and me, but I know what I need to think about and what decisions I have to make for myself.
“Talking to Paps was good.”
“Okay, then hop out of bed.” Luca is a little too enthusiastic for my liking, but I don’t completely refuse and sit up. “We haven’t done anything together in a long time, how about a quick trip to the Kopfle. With the mountain bikes or hiking if you like.”
A quick trip is relative. It’s easily a three-hour ride from here, two of which are uphill. But just the thought of it makes my hands and feet tingle, and damn it, yes, I’m really up for it.
We get ready in record time, slipping into our pedals and attaching water bottles to our bikes.
Jannis and I used to do this a lot with Paps.
When Luca came, I was already away for university, but he quickly took my place and on weekends the four of us went out together.
I don’t know why we stopped doing that in the last two years.
“Have you been riding a lot lately?” Phew, talking and pedaling is not a good idea.
Fuck, I’m really out of shape. Yes, I admit it, I haven’t been on my bike in a while, but I haven’t thought it was that bad.
Jannis and Luca are pedaling easily ahead of me, and I’m seriously considering whether this is a possible way to die.
From exhaustion or humiliation, I haven’t decided yet. Both are plausible.
“Ah, once or twice a week. Paps comes along from time to time too.” As if pedaling up this hill were no effort at all, Luca turns around relaxed as he answers.
Humiliation, my cause of death will definitely be death by humiliation.
On a small plateau, I allow myself a quick look around. Mistake. Immediately, the white wooden cross behind the bench on a small hill at the edge of the forest catches my eye.
Our place. We had been there so many times, I couldn’t give a number, not even a rough one.
We used to ride our bikes up into the vineyards without any real destination in mind.
An escape into the darkness, to a place beyond our privacy fence.
We always felt safe here in the nights when the hikers and cyclists were gone.
“Hey, can we go to the bench for a moment?”
“Do you need a break?” That sounds tempting too, but that’s not the reason.
“Just a quick breather and something to drink.”
“All right, old man.” My brothers laugh at me but turn right at the appropriate intersection before they come to a halt.
So many memories rush through my mind. Not a single one of them negative.
No arguments, no unnecessary discussions, not even a slight disagreement.
We always shared the same opinions, always wanted the same things, even the things we couldn’t have.
I know that the secrecy was just as hard on David as it was on me. He suffered too, maybe even worse, because he knew it was his fault.
My heart is beating faster than it should as I climb the small hill to the bench. I can still hear our voices and, above all, our laughter. I miss the lightheartedness we had back then. When we didn’t know how much it would hurt to love each other.
It doesn’t hurt anymore to love David. But it scares me.
The pounding of my heart, the fluttering in my stomach, everything.
The love is there, but the blind trust that in the end everything will be fine has not returned yet.
And as Paps said, depending on the situation, I have to decide for myself first what “everything is fine” actually means.
But not today and not here. Not in this place.
“What’s so special about this bench?” Jannis’s question pulls me out of my thoughts. Probably for the best.
“Hm?”
“You’ve been stroking the backrest for five minutes now. What’s so special about it?” My gaze falls on my hand. Ah, fuck it. Why is he always so perceptive?
“I like the view.” It’s indisputably fantastic, no one can question that, not even my brothers.
“All right. Are you having trouble with David?” Oh God, why? Why does he always know what not to ask?
My lips tingle at the thought of God knows how many kisses we’ve shared here on this bench. “No, we’re not having trouble.”
“So, we know, you’ve talked to Paps…” I nod quickly. “But if you need us...”
“Right now, I need you to somehow get me up this hill on that bike. Can you pull me?” Jannis looks at me sternly, and I know that whatever comes next, he’s right, whether I want to admit it or not.
“Don’t be ridiculous and don’t make such a fuss. You’ve been through worse. Giving up was never an option for either of us. Never. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here today.” Fuck...