Chapter 50
Louis
Okay, trust is harder than I thought. What used to be blind and easy no longer works that way.
For neither of us. He’s jealous of Paul, and I’m just scared out of my mind that he’ll change his mind again and tear down what we’re rebuilding so carefully.
Words don’t help at all; only time will tell if we can overcome our fears.
For now, David and I are strolling across campus, holding hands.
We stop every now and then to kiss. I always knew that this is what I want, to be visible in my relationship, just like my fathers always have been.
I was afraid that David might not be ready to do that, but when we got off the tram together for the first time, he held out his hand to me and I took it. Neither of us has let go since.
“Do you have plans for the weekend?”
I briefly considered visiting my parents, as I had done the previous two weekends, but everything in that house reminds me of us before the breakup.
And of my devastation afterwards. All of our moments as a couple are connected to that place.
I have no idea how our new reality fits in there, and I am afraid it won’t.
“I have to work on Friday.” Pia and Jonas preferred the Saturday shift, Paul and I didn’t care, so we switched. Actually, I think it’s pretty cool because I feel like I get more out of the weekend.
“Is it okay with you if I make a plan for us?” Silly question. We haven’t done anything else for six months.
“Sure!”
***
“Look who’s here.” Paul nudges me in the side with a grin.
For the first time since we got back together, David sits down at my bar.
His usual spot is free because it’s already half past four.
Except for the usual faces, there aren’t many people left.
Many of the Saturday crowd now come on Fridays, having swapped with us, so it’s no wonder that David doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Hey Louis, isn’t that your stalker? I thought he was gone?” I grin at my boyfriend, who bites his lower lip sheepishly.
Seductively I lean over the bar, and I admit it would be more convincing if I didn’t have to stand on tiptoes, but I don’t have anything to prove here anymore.
I cup his face with both hands and kiss him.
Here, in the middle of the club, I’ve never mixed work and private life like this before.
There’s hooting and screaming around us.
We break apart with a smile, the edge of the countertop digging painfully into my hip, but the show was worth it. “This isn’t my stalker; this is my boyfriend.”
In the last half hour, Paul has received more attention from our customers than ever before. Everyone feels sorry for him because I left him for someone else. No one here cares that this is completely untrue, and Paul revels in the sympathy of the others.
It’s fun and easy, and even David is becoming more and more relaxed. It’s so nice to see him becoming more confident, more comfortable showing our love and his sexuality in public.
***
“Ah, he’s still alive.” I recognize that voice and weigh my options. Should I continue pretending to be asleep, or should I open my eyes so they don’t get any silly ideas?
“Are you sure? Maybe it’s just a doll.”
“Or maybe he’s dead.”
“That’s also a possibility.”
“There’s only one thing we can do..." And that’s my cue.
“Don’t even think about it.” My eyes are open and looking straight into my brothers’ grinning faces. They’re standing at the car window, staring at me. I slept the whole way here, exhausted after my shift. “Where’s David?”
“He’s tied up and gagged in the trunk." I love Jannis’s humor, but I know my brother, he wouldn’t say a word if David was within earshot.
So I just raise my eyebrows and he laughs.
“He’s inside with Papa and Paps. The two of them grabbed him right away, he didn’t stand a chance. Serious talk, or something.”
Luca looks almost a little sympathetic, a rare sight.
“Did you know we were coming?”
“Papa bought chocolate buns and Paps made tea, so yes.”
It can’t be too bad for David then. And sure enough, when I come into the house, the three of them are sitting peacefully around the dining table. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
My boyfriend looks at me almost panicked. “Hey, sorry, but Jannis and Luca were at the door, and I mean it when I say, I’m not going to argue with them. The two of them together are really scary.”
Papa swallows a snort at the very last moment and tears well up in Paps eyes as he tries to stifle his laughter. We all know he’s right.
“Glad you two are here. Are you okay?” David sits there as if he had never been away, even though this seat had been empty for so long, and I have to swallow hard.
There was a hole in my heart and at some point I thought this empty feeling was normal.
I kiss my fathers on the cheeks, then I put my arms around my boyfriend from behind and he immediately leans into my embrace, tilting his head for a kiss.
“Yes, we’re fine, even if it still feels very unreal sometimes.” And sometimes it just hurts to know how much time we’ve lost because of a stupid misunderstanding. Now we cling to each other, hold on tight, maybe a little more than is good for us.
Breakfast is lively and loud, everyone talking at once, telling stories about their week and other exciting news.
“Jannis is seeing someone.” This fact must have been on Luca’s mind for a long time, the way he blurted it out.
My brother just looks at him blankly but doesn’t reach for his phone to reply. “What, you know I’m right. You’re always sneaking out to meet this dark-haired guy at the basketball court. How old is he anyway, he looks like he’s twelve.”
Okay, now it’s getting exciting. Jannis stares at Luca with a look that should actually set him on fire and types something into his phone without looking. “He’s nineteen.”
“And you’re talking to him! I saw it clearly.” Four heads turn abruptly toward Jannis, who is typing again.
“Yes, and what? I talk to you too. I can speak.” Everyone who knows how Jannis speaks now adds a biting undertone to the neutral computer voice and knows that he has just ended the conversation. David doesn’t.
“It’s nice that you’ve met someone you feel comfortable with.
” I know my brother, and the fact that his lower lip is trembling as he types is definitely something I haven’t seen before in this context, and I’m almost a little annoyed that David is here so we can’t experience the emotional outburst verbally. Something’s off.
“I don’t feel comfortable. There’s nothing. Nothing at all, okay?” With his eyebrows furrowed, he grabs his cup, jumps up, and storms away from the table.
“He can tell that crap to someone else. I saw them myself. He’s laughing and talking. I’ve never seen him like that outside of the family.”
“Maybe your brother just isn’t ready to talk about it yet. Maybe he doesn’t know exactly how he feels himself. Do you realize that you may have just outed him here without asking?”
Luca turns pale. “Oh, fuck. Shit, I didn’t mean to... I didn’t want to... I have to go to him.”
And with those words, Luca is gone too. Not that it matters who you bring home here in this house, but basically, Papa is right.
“Would you two like to have a barbecue tonight? Hopefully, Jannis and Luca will have made up by then and can sit at the same table. You have a little time to rest while we clean up here.”
That sounds fantastic. As if on cue, I start yawning. I’m so tired—that nap in the car clearly wasn’t enough.
“Come on, Lou, I’ll take you to bed.” David stands up, holds out his hand to me, and I take it. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he leads me up the stairs and into the last room on the left. He still knows his way around.
“Why did I have to set up this trip to your parents’ house?
Why haven’t we visited before this?” David stands in front of me with his head bowed, tugging at my T-shirt.
“Am I embarrassing you? Are you uncomfortable with us being together again after everything I’ve done?
I know I hurt you, and to be honest, I only now begin to understand how much.
I’m so sorry, but I can’t undo it. All I can say is that I missed and loved you every single day.
That’s all I have, I just hope it’s enough. ”
I lean forward, rest my head on his chest, and take a deep breath.
“I was afraid to come back here. All our firsts happened here. When you broke up with me, I cried every single tear in this room. When I missed you so much that I didn’t know which way was up or down, I came here.
On our anniversaries, on the day we broke up, because I couldn’t bear to be anywhere else.
Everything here is connected to the old us, but I don’t want to live in the past with you.
I’m afraid that what we have now will be crushed by old memories. ”
Two strong arms wrap around my shoulders, holding me tight.
“But the old memories are also part of us—the good ones and the difficult ones. I’ll never forget how we kissed here for the first time, how we slept together for the first time.
We were so curious, so eager for each other, and so, so awkward.
Yet, I’ll never forget how it felt when you were inside me for the first time.
We had better sex a thousand times after that, and yet it was special.
And now we have the chance to create new memories.
Maybe with something we’ve never done together here before,” he says before he pauses. “Come on, get naked for me.”
I don’t understand anything, but I follow David’s example and drop my clothes.
One piece after another, until we’re standing naked in front of each other, both hard.
I wait. What is he up to? What does he want to do?
Normally, I’m the one who calls the shots.
Not knowing what’s going to happen makes me nervous and excited at the same time.
David closes the distance, not a millimeter between our bodies, and pushes me step by step towards the bed. With every movement, his cock rubs against my stomach and mine against his thigh.
I don’t have to be dominant, I love to let myself go, our roles were just always clearly defined because David didn’t want to take the reins. Or couldn’t, who knows.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s still gentle, and if I didn’t follow his movements, we’d stand still.
He has an idea, but no thoughts about how to implement it.
He doesn’t have to. The edge of my bed hits the backs of my knees, and I tip over pulling David with me.
I used to be on top, had to decide whether I wanted to kiss him or rub our cocks together, and I always chose the kiss.
Maybe that was a mistake, because admittedly, David has to bend a little, but he kisses me while he rolls his hips almost unbearably slowly. I never saw the appeal of rubbing cocks together when I could fuck—until today.
We have never been as close as we are right now. Our legs intertwined, hips against hips, chest against... well, almost chest, lips against lips. I can feel him everywhere. Nothing has ever felt more intimate.
“Is that... ahhh.” A shiver runs through David’s body as I press my hips against his while he moves. “Is that good for you?”
His question is more of a whisper than spoken words, so much uncertainty in his voice. I pull him a little closer to me, his face pressing into my neck, and I grab his hair tightly. “So good.”
He’s torturously slow. I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, dying if I don’t come right now, but I resist the urge to turn us around, the urge for more speed, more friction, to come faster.
This is David’s moment, David’s way of showing me how much he loves me.
Something we’ve never done before, a new memory, and I’m enjoying every second of it.
I’m close, my orgasm within reach, when David picks up the pace. I moan and hold myself tighter against him. “Fuck, yes. Don’t stop.” I try to suppress my cry, but it’s useless, too much pent-up lust bursts out of me, powerful and uninhibited.
My cock twitches and throbs next to his. He presses his head into the pillow beneath me, and only I can hear the loud, drawn-out moan. His cum mixes with mine, becoming one between us. One. Something we had been for so long and always have been, even when we weren’t together.
Since we’ve met, we’ve never really existed without each other.
We might not have been together, but we were always in each other’s hearts.
Six years without David, six years in which time didn’t heal any wounds.
Time did not stop, it relentlessly moved on, at least that’s how it felt.
But it was only rushing to reach the point where we could finally be together again. David and Louis. Louis and David.
We shower before getting back into bed, and David holds me so tightly, as if he’s afraid I’ll vanish into thin air.
But I’m not going anywhere, I never would have gone anywhere.
I’m the one who’s afraid. A little less every day, but especially in the beautiful moments, the memories rush back to the long time when no one held me, not like this.
When I was searching for exactly this feeling, which obviously only he can give me.