Chapter Three
Samantha
I followed Jack toward his room upstairs. In the past two years since I’d lived in Nebraska, I’d only been to the clubhouse a handful of times. In all those times, I had never been upstairs to a room.
Not for the lack of trying on Jack’s part.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to take Jack up on his many invitations, I just couldn’t let myself give in. I couldn’t let him find out about Charlie.
Now that he’d learned about Charlie, there would be no reason for me to continue turning him down. Only, now he’d never ask me again. That was the very definition of a catch-22.
We entered his room, and Jack closed the door behind us. It was sparse. There was a queen-sized bed, a nightstand on either side, and a dresser with a TV on it. There were two doors close together. One I was sure was a closet, the other I assumed was a bathroom. I stood in the middle of the room and waited for Jack to say something.
Anything.
Lord knew I didn’t know what to say. I told him I would explain, but I did not know where to start. I turned to look at him. He leaned against the back of the door with his arms crossed over his chest. God, he was so sexy.
And so angry.
“Well?” he asked.
“Jack, I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what? Lying to me about being on birth control?”
Oh my God, how does he know?
“I didn’t know for sure until just now. ”
I looked up at him.
“Yea, you said that out loud.”
I covered my mouth with my hand. My eyes burned with tears I didn’t want to shed. Would he see my tears for what they were? Or would he think I was trying to manipulate him?
Jack wasn’t shouting at me. He wasn’t swearing at me. In fact, he was barely talking to me.
I wasn’t used to silence.
When he got mad, he screamed, and he swore.
This might be worse.
I knew Jack had feelings for me. At least he did. I wasn’t so sure anymore. One thing I knew was that Jack would love Charlie.
“Why did you lie to me, Sammy?” he asked me, his voice eerily calm.
I’d never known Jack to raise his voice in anger. He had a boisterous personality. He talked loudly, he roared when he laughed. When he was angry, he was quiet.
Right now, I needed to be as honest as possible. I couldn’t tell him everything, but I could tell him this.
“I wanted a baby, Jack.”
He pushed away from the door and walked toward me.
“You wanted a baby? That’s your answer? So, what, it was just the luck of the draw that it was me?” he asked.
“No,” I whispered.
“What was that?”
Steeling myself, I looked him in the eye. This I needed him to understand.
“No, Jack, it wasn’t luck of the draw. I wanted you.”
“What about what I wanted?”
“You were never supposed to know,” I mumbled, lowering my eyes to the floor in shame.
“That makes it ok?” he clipped. “I was never supposed to know. So you thought it was ok to have my child and keep me from being a part of her life?”
I turned away from him. I couldn’t bear to have him look at me. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I braced myself.
“How goddamn selfish can you be?” he snarled. “And what about Charlie? She didn’t deserve to have her father in her life?”
She’s supposed to have a father, just not you, Jack.
I couldn’t tell him that, though.
He would never understand.
“Two years, Sammy. Two fucking years my daughter has been an hour away. I could’ve gotten past you not telling me when you found out,” he said. “You know, aside from the fact that you did it on purpose and lied about your birth control. You probably lied about the latex allergy, too.”
I looked up at the ceiling.
I didn’t think he really wanted an answer, so I kept quiet.
“Of course you did. Fuck.” He grabbed my arms and turned me around so I faced him. “I could have gotten past you not telling me when you found out. We didn’t exchange numbers. Hell, I wouldn’t even know your name if you hadn’t left a fucking note.”
He squeezed my arms, and I tensed.
Closing my eyes I reminded myself.
Jack’s not him.
Jack’s not him.
I just needed to keep telling myself that. Remind myself I was safe with Jack. He wouldn’t hurt me. My heart knew that to be true. I couldn’t convince my brain, though.
“You could have made it right two years ago when you started working at The Diner. I was here, goddammit! You knew I wanted you. I made sure you knew I wanted you.”
“You’re hurting me, Jack,” I whimpered.
He dropped his hands immediately and stepped back.
“You said you chose me. That you wanted me. Was that another fucking lie, Sammy?”
“Jack, no, that wasn’t a lie.” I grabbed his arm.
I needed him to know that much was true. If he accepted nothing else from me, I wanted him to accept that.
“I chose you, Jack. I wanted you. ”
He yanked his arm away from my grasp.
“If you wanted me, you could have had me.” He walked toward the door that led to the hallway. Pausing with his hand on the knob, he turned back and looked at me. I couldn’t bear the look on his face. “For two years you’ve held me at arm’s length, and you want me to believe you wanted me? Fuck you, Samantha!”
He opened the door and left.
I dropped myself onto the end of the bed and cried. He didn’t call me Sammy. I hated being called Sammy. He called me Sammy. I had asked Jack not to call me Sammy, but he never listened. I’d gotten used to it. I hadn’t expected to feel so defeated when he called me by my full name.
I don’t know how long I sat there, consumed by my misery. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Quickly, my thoughts turned to Charlie. Would he try to take her away from me? Would he punish her for my actions?
No.
Jack wasn’t like that. I didn’t know him well when I chose him to be the father of my child. I didn’t need to. All I’d needed to know then was that he wasn’t cruel. I knew him now, though.
For the last two years, I had gotten to know quite a few of the Silver Shadows. They were rough. They were crass. They were, honestly, assholes. But they weren’t cruel. Not to a woman, and definitely not to a child.
A knock on the door pulled me from my thoughts. This wasn’t my room. I couldn’t just tell someone to come in. So, I stood from the bed, wiped my eyes, and walked to the door. When I swung the door open, Beck stood there with Charlie.
“Hi, Mommy. I had ice cream! Uncle Blade let me have three flavors.” She held up three fingers, holding the other two down with her other hand.
“Three flavors? Wow, sounds like you had a great time with Uncle Blade and Auntie Beck.” I looked up at Beck and mouthed thank you.
Placing her hand on my arm, Beck asked, “Are you ok? ”
I took a deep breath.
“Baby, can you go sit on the bed for a minute?” I waited until she climbed up on the bed and moved closer to the door. Lowering my voice, I answered, “I’m not sure. We didn’t really talk much before he got upset and left. I should get Charlie home.”
I turned to look at my baby girl.
She was so innocent. She didn’t deserve to be stuck in the middle of this mess I created.
“Um, Samantha.” I turned back to Beck. “Jack said you are staying here tonight.”
“What?”
“He asked me to see if you needed anything for tonight because you were staying.”
“Like hell am I staying here! Where is he?”
“He’s in the common area with the guys.”
“Can you stay here with Charlie?” I asked her, already moving into the hall. I headed for the stairs, knowing she wouldn’t leave Charlie alone. Jogging down the stairs, I ran down the hallway, past the kitchen, and into the bar.
“JACK!” I called. Every brother in the room turned to look at me. “Charlie and I are not staying here overnight.”
Jack stood from his stool and walked over to me.
I stood my ground, crossing my arms over my chest and waited.
“You don’t have to stay here tonight.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding.
I should have known he would be reasonable.
“But my daughter isn’t spending another night without her father. So, you can go ahead home, but Charlie is staying right here.”
“What? You can’t take her away from me. I’m her mother.”
Jack got in my face, and I shrank back when he exploded.
“AND I AM HER FUCKING FATHER!”
Before I knew it, Tank was there, pushing Jack away from me.
“Step back, brother,” he said in a tone that brooked no argument.
Jack stepped up, toe to toe with Tank. “Back off. This is between me and her.”
“Not gonna let you scream in her face.”
“You don’t know what she did.”
Tank shoved Jack further away from me. “Don’t fucking care what she did, brother. Not gonna let you treat her that way.”
I backed myself against the wall.
I hadn’t realized I’d slid down to the floor until I saw Rachel in front of me.
Looking at Rachel, I could see her mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. The buzzing in my ears was so loud. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my racing heart.
It was a panic attack. I began counting the way Carrie taught me. When we first left Arkansas, I had panic attacks every day. Within a few months, she had taught me how to control my anxiety, and the attacks slowed to once a week, then once a month.
Living in Nebraska, I hadn’t had an attack since the first time I saw Jack and learned he lived here. Hearing Jack yell was so unexpected it triggered an attack, and now I was sitting on the floor in the clubhouse counting backwards.
“Seven, six, five, four…”
“Samantha.” I opened my eyes to Rachel’s voice. She sat next to me and now had her arms around my shoulders, holding me tight. “Breathe, Samantha. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t stop it. It seemed I had no control over my body. So, I sat on that floor, in Rachel’s arms, and I sobbed.
For almost five years, all I had was Carrie.
Carrie was wonderful. She gave up everything in her life to go with me. She helped me hide. She helped me with Charlie. She was my best friend and the only person I could lean on.
It felt strange to have someone else. In the last two years, I’d gotten to know the women of the club. They tried to include me in everything they did as a group, but more often than not, I declined.
Because no one knew about Charlie.
Now they did. They didn’t turn away from me. They still wanted to be there for me, and that meant more to me than they would ever know.
“I’m so sorry, Rachel.” I sniffled.
“Are you ok, Samantha?”
Pulling away from Rachel, I replied earnestly, “I am now. Thank you.”
I looked up and saw everyone watching me.
My eyes connected with Jack.
I could see the concern on his face, but it wasn’t enough to hide his anger. “I need to get Charlie. I need to take her home.”
“Sam, stay here tonight. You aren’t in any condition to drive. You and Charlie can stay in the room you were in.”
I looked over at Blade. What he said made sense, but I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.
“I can’t stay in Jack’s room.”
Jack snorted from across the room. “You’re definitely not staying in my fucking room.”
Blade glared at Jack. “Knock it off, asshole.” He turned back to me and clarified, “The room you were in wasn’t Jack’s. It’s an empty room we keep for guests.”
I took a deep breath. That changed things. I didn’t want to drive home. I was always spent after a panic attack.
“Ok, we’ll stay tonight. I need to call my friend and let her know I won’t be home.”
“Samantha, let’s go get you cleaned up before I take you back to Charlie.” Rachel and Blade helped me stand from the floor.
“This is bullshit.” I turned toward the voice and watched as Jack stormed through the front door.
“He’s never going to forgive me,” I whispered.
“Give him time, Sam.” I looked up at Blade.
“Time can’t fix this,” I protested and walked down the hallway, headed to the room I would share with my daughter tonight .
Tomorrow, she’d have breakfast with her dad and maybe, after a good night’s sleep, he’d be ready to listen. Now I just needed to come up with something to tell him that was halfway believable.