Chapter 42
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Paula’s four-week ‘vacation’ was almost over by the time Will arrived on Sunday afternoon with the usual six-pack and pizza.
He came over at least once a week, usually on Saturday or Sunday. He claimed he wanted to give Paula a break in her caretaking, although Jackson needed less help with each passing day. Paula usually used the occasions to do mundane things like grocery shopping or more work on her house.
Knowing he was coming, Paula had already left.
Jackson was always glad to see Will because he kept Jackson up to date on all the department happenings.
It would be a while before he was back to full duty, but he hoped for a part-time return after his next check-up.
Thinking about staying home alone every day while Paula was back at work was already making his cabin fever spike.
After giving him the latest on the meth lab investigation—the unit was still only finding abandoned labs and no perps—Will changed the subject abruptly.
“How are things going with the ‘engagement’? Have you set a date for the wedding yet?” The questions sounded innocent enough, but Jackson could hear the challenge in his air quotes.
“We’re waiting until I’m at full strength before we decide on a date. It will be small, I think. Paula doesn’t have much family, and my brother is usually out of the country. What’s your beef? Every week you ask the same questions.”
“How did you do it, man? No one in the department was able to score with her, and suddenly you and she are engaged. It makes no sense, especially since she still doesn’t have an engagement ring,” Will said.
“When that firecracker of a nurse said you were with your fiancée, I was more shocked than when that meth house blew up.”
“Just because we kept things quiet doesn’t mean we didn’t have a relationship going. Paula doesn’t have a ring because she didn’t want to have to answer questions about it at work. It’s that simple,” Jackson declared, hoping to end this conversation.
“I just don’t buy it. It’s not hard to see her attraction to you. You’re at the top of your game and ripe for the picking. But what about you? She’s been on the force longer than we have. I know she looks young, but she must be fifty if she’s a day.”
“Just goes to show you’re losing your judgment, man.
Even if she were fifty, which she isn’t, it wouldn’t change how I feel about her.
She’s a beautiful, sensuous woman and exactly what I was looking for.
Age is irrelevant.” Jackson stopped for a moment and glanced toward the kitchen. “Did you hear something, Will?”
“No.”
“Would you mind checking the kitchen for me? I think it came from there.”
Will got up and went to the kitchen and was back in moments. “There’s a bunch of bags full of groceries on the counter. Paula must have come back. Do you suppose she heard what we were talking about?”
Jackson let out a string of curse words.
“Why did you have to keep beating that dead horse? I’ve got a good mind to deck you and then kick you while you’re down.
She must have run out when she heard you talking about her age.
Get out of my house now, Will. I don’t want to see you again until I’m back at work, and I’ll be asking for a new partner when I am. ”
Will said, “Let me go find her for you. I’ll apologize and get her to come back. I’ll bet she didn’t hear you defend her.”
“Just go, Will. I’ll deal with this on my own.
” Jackson reached for his phone and texted her to call him when she stopped driving.
He knew she wouldn’t check it before then, but he was concerned about how her driving would be in her current state.
Then, not satisfied with just a text, he called and left the same message, once the ringing rolled over into voicemail. At least she hadn’t turned it off.
Paula returned to the condo a few hours later, having gotten nothing done at her house. She went into the kitchen to see that Jackson had put away the groceries. Where was he? She didn’t know what to do or how to act around him. Did he agree with Will? Was she too old for him?
She turned around at a sound from the living room and saw Kate coming her way. Paula had forgotten she would be there to give Jackson a massage.
“I finally got Jackson relaxed after this afternoon’s uproar. He’s asleep in bed now. I stuck around so we could talk a bit. Let’s sit down at the table, and you tell me how you’re doing.” Kate studied her with that familiar disconcerting dominant gaze.
Paula took the indicated seat and crossed her arms, resolved not to let herself be intimidated. “You know we’re not at the club, right?”
Kate chuckled. “Sorry, doll. You can take the Domme out of the club, but you can’t take her out of the woman. It’s who I am,” Kate said with mirth then sobered. “Now stop evading the question.”
Paula sighed. “You’re right, and I’m not doing very well.”
“From what I can tell, Jackson is healing quite nicely, so that’s not the problem. How are things between the two of you?”
Paula closed her eyes and decided to go for it. “It’s not the two of us that’s the problem, it’s me.”
Kate’s eyes widened, but when Paula didn’t elaborate on her statement she urged, “Why is that?”
“I just don’t get why Jackson would want to be with me.” Paula really didn’t understand. “He’s perfect, and I’m a complete failure. I can’t cook, I suck at cleaning, I leave a mess everywhere I go, and I’m eight years older than he is.”
“You’re also a competent and decorated policewoman, a great and loyal friend, and a beautiful submissive, dear,” Kate said.
Paula shook her head. “You don’t get it. Jackson spent so much time helping me organize my house, and it’s turning into a disaster again. He’s so tidy and organized, and I’m— I’m just not.”
“So?” Kate shrugged like it was nothing.
Paula glared at her. “Don’t you see the problem?”
“From where I stand, I see a woman who has serious self-doubt. It must be personal, because I know you’re doing fine in a professional capacity. Why do you think that is?”
Paula opened her mouth to answer, closed it again, and slumped back into her chair. “Are you a psychologist in your spare time? Only shrinks ask questions like ‘why do you think that is?’”
“No, dear, but when you work hard at communicating with submissives, some of whom are new to BDSM, you learn how to listen and how to ask questions. So, back to the point. Why do you think you lack confidence in your relationship with Jackson?”
“I— I don’t know. It’s just every relationship I’ve ever had was a disaster.”
Kate leaned forward. “How supportive were your parents? How about siblings?”
Paula huffed a laugh. “I was a constant disappointment to my parents. I don’t know if they wanted me in the first place. I don’t have any siblings. Don’t get me started on my cousins.”
“What about them?” Kate looked intrigued, so Paula started to explain about being her grandmother’s favorite, and her cousins hadn’t liked it at all.
Then, when her grandmother died and left the house and the bulk of her estate to Paula and only token amounts to her other grandchildren, she had become persona non grata at all family functions.
“Not that I ever really liked going to the holiday dinners and such anyway. I loved spending time with Granny, but I never expected her to do what she did. And I have this white elephant of a house to boot.”
“It sounds like one member of your family cared for you. Why do you put so much emphasis on the rest of your family relationships?” Kate leaned forward, her elbows on the table.
“Granny is long gone, and the rest of them are still around. I run into my cousin Tiffany once in a while, and she always manages to find a way to tell me how terrible my life is compared to hers.”
“So, basically, you heard your entire life how bad you are at things, how your decisions are all wrong, and finally your grandmother caused a rift in the family you get blamed for?” Kate concluded.
Paula shrugged. Yeah, that about summed it up.
“Don’t you think that might have twisted the way you view yourself?”
“Well, maybe.” Paula wasn’t giving up on her ideas that easily. “But I’m still a mess.”
“I don’t accept your premise, Paula. As I said before, you’re an outstanding detective, a wonderful person, and your submission to Jackson is a joy to behold.”
Could Kate be right? “I never thought about it that way.”
“Girl, you have to get those warped ideas out of your mind. Now, give me a hug and go talk to that man of yours. I’ve got to get going.” Paula got another of those Domme looks. “Promise me.”
A smile tugged at her lips, “Yes, Mistress.” She stood to give Kate her hug.
Kate’s hug was firm and steady like the woman herself.
The embrace was filled with a quiet reassurance Paula hadn’t known she needed until now.
For a moment, she let herself sink into the strength of Kate’s hold, and the tension in her shoulders eased.
When Kate pulled back, she gave Paula a knowing look and a sharp nod. “Better,” she said softly
Whatever that’s supposed to mean.
Paula opened her mouth to ask, but Kate was already making for the door.
“I know my way out. Talk to your Master,” she called over her shoulder, leaving Paula alone with her swirling thoughts and a decision to make.
Could she forget the things Will had said?
If he was saying them to Jackson, she could only imagine what the general gossip was like.
She had a reputation because she didn’t date any of the other cops, but to know their relationship was being called into question because of the age difference hurt more.
Kate’s pep talk was wearing off. How could she possibly explain to Jackson why she had to call off the engagement she’d created all by herself?
Paula went into the bedroom to check on Jackson.
He opened his eyes as she neared the bed.
“Hi, honey, I’m home.” She tried to sound cheery, even though she felt anything but. She leaned in to give Jackson his kiss.
“Have you forgotten how to answer your phone and return messages, Melda?” he asked after she gave him a peck on the lips.
“No, Sir. I— I got busy, and it seemed like a better idea to just wait until I came back to talk to you.” She put her hand to her mouth to get at a stubborn hangnail. “I overheard what Will said about me.”
“I figured as much.” Jackson reached for her hand. “Why did you take him seriously? Didn’t you hear me tell him in no uncertain terms that I love you and want to be with you?”
“You did?”
“I did. I also threw him out of the place.”
“But he’s your friend.”
“He hasn’t been a very good one lately. You’re my fiancée and my submissive and the love of my life. I think those outweigh a friend badmouthing you by quite a bit.” He pulled her closer to him on the bed. “Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head.” It wasn’t a question.
“How about you call Kate, and she can tell you all about it?” She gave him a half smile.
He raised his eyebrow. “Am I so hard to talk to that you need an intermediary for communication?”
“No, b-but it’s hard. I don’t want to be a burden to you. I’m a lot older than you, and you know that society doesn’t look well on the age difference going in this direction. I could drag you down. People probably already think I’m a cougar.”
“Why do you care what other people think? We’re the ones in this relationship. No one else’s opinion matters.”
Jackson’s description of her registered. “Did you say I’m the love of your life?”
“You’re just now hearing that? Yes, I said that.”
“That’s the first time you’ve ever said that to me.” Paula’s eyes filled, but she blinked away the tears.
“I didn’t realize I hadn’t said it before. I love you, Melda.” He stroked her locket with his thumb and looked into her eyes. “Paula. You’re the woman for me.” He pulled her in for a proper kiss and stopped all thought in her brain for a few moments.