Sixty-Eight
Perhaps I will regret it later that I don’t hunt Sadist and Eduardo down myself. But right now, I am content to let the others have that honor for what they did to Rudy.
All I want is to see Rafiki.
To hold her for the first time.
After Sau heals us (she shifted her arteries around inside her body in the split second it took for Antonio to bite her, then healed herself), Aleric phases the two of us home. He drops us off at the edge of the ward before he disappears back to the boat. As we walk through the shimmering blue shield surrounding the Shadow House, dripping water from our clothes, a flood of emotions hits me all at once.
Relief mixed with dread mixed with disbelief.
Is it really over?
Am I really safe?
Is he really dead?
I feel like I’ve gotten to the happy parts of a trauma-filled romance, only to notice there is still a good chunk of the book left. Like something is going to happen in those final pages.
My stomach churns as I walk along with him in silence.
I want to tell him “I’m sorry”
for what I did to him, but every time I think about those two words, my thoughts are consumed by Grubs saying them. By the feel of his hands on my body. His dick inside my pussy.
Then my throat tightens, and I can’t get anything out.
“I love you,”
Varius murmurs, and I turn to him with pain in my eyes. To tell me that after I stabbed him in the head, after I said all those nasty things while I tortured him, after I made him believe I fell in love with another man, and then forced him to watch me fuck him…
My throat is an overworked dam, the water building up in my eyes, about to flood out.
He looks at me and hears my silence. But he does not push me into saying anything back. Does not attack me for being mute despite all he has done for me. The responding words are trapped in my throat or perhaps deeper inside of me.
In the soul of a girl I’m just not anymore…
No.
No, regardless of all the other emotions of uncertainty swirling around inside of me, I know that one to be true.
I reach for his hand. Let our pinkies brush – not ready for any more contact than that.
“I love you too,”
I murmur, my voice cracking with all the feelings I’m struggling to express.
Through the blood bond, I can feel his desire to gather me in his arms and just hold me, but he doesn’t. He simply continues walking, and I follow.
I glance at him as we move along the tree-lined path, under green, overreaching branches that smell like fucking freedom. I inhale deeply, breathing in the scent around me, slowly letting myself believe that everything is over. There is no smell of the sea.
“You walked into hel for me,”
I say just as the house comes into view. The lack of flowers hits me hard, and I stop short as my heart drops.
“Hel was being out here without you,”
he says, his voice so raw and broken; I can feel his pain in the landscape itself though.
It isn’t scarred from war or a muddy brown field. But it’s missing the field of flowers that used to spread out from there to here and all the way down to the lake. He doesn’t need to tell me Leno is dead. The grass itself weeps. The land itself mourns.
“How?”
I ask, my voice shaky.
“He got ripped apart by some of the chimeras at the school. Three of them are in the garage, but the main one was Timothy.”
Fucking Sadist.
My hands ball into fists. “We should go back for him to make sure he doesn’t escape.”
“He can’t. Once I attacked, Khalid got the teleporters to destroy Eduardo’s teleportation circles.”
“You have teleporters now?”
I ask in surprise. Khalid didn’t give me the whole rundown – just what I needed.
“No.”
He doesn’t explain, and I don’t care enough to push. We continue on, our footsteps heavy, our hearts even heavier.
“I never got to hold her,”
I say softly.
A part of me wants him to tell me he hasn’t either, but the rest of me hopes he held her every night he could.
“There is not much left to hold,”
he says sadly.
My throat tightens. We walk up the porch, where a small section of flowers lie. They bloom one by one as I sweep my gaze across them. My ears strain to hear the sound of a dog somewhere, but the house lies silent when we enter.
I don’t have the heart to ask about Krypto. Not right now. Not today.
A set of footsteps pound down the hall. “Micha!”
Lou shouts as she flings herself at me. I tense, and Varius moves in front of me, catching my sister without a word. She starts to protest, but he murmurs something to her, and she stops.
Quiets.
He sets her down, and she places her hands behind her back as she looks at me. But despite her attempt to settle my nerves, that just pushes her stomach out, and my eyes latch on to her bump. She gets to have a baby while mine is lying dead upstairs.
I fucking hate her.
I hate her.
Moving past her, I head for the stairs. She calls my name, so much hurt in her voice. Varius lingers to talk to her. Just for a moment. Just a sentence, maybe two, then he’s back by my side.
My throat tightens as I glance at him, wondering if he’s judging me. She’s my own fucking sister, and I can’t bear to look at her.
But there’s nothing negative that comes down our bond. Just love.
The same love he pushed into me when I tortured him. When he believed I was going to kill him.
When I did kill him in order to give Maddox a way out, for his Craving to activate, and so I could distract Antonio.
So many reasons…
But it doesn’t justify what I did to him.
It doesn’t make it okay.
“I’m sorry,”
I want to say.
But Grubs’ memories shove into me, making me mute.
“I love you,”
Varius murmurs, and I realize he can feel my guilt, my sorrow, no words needed between us.
My chest tight, overwhelmed by everything he means to me, I say, “I love you too.”
His bedroom door looms large in front of us.
Taking a deep breath, I twist the handle and step inside.
He leads me to his bedside table, where she lies on a torn piece of shirt. Nothing more than a smeared blob of red, and I drop to my knees on a silent cry.
I want to scream for all the injustice.
I want to resurrect Antonio so he can keep telling me lies about how he can bring her back.
I want to believe them.
I want to believe them so fucking hard.
But I know she’s never coming home.
Reaching out a shaky hand, I pick up the slip of fabric and cradle her to my chest. My husband kneels beside me.
The silence thickens the air around us, cocooning us in a shared grief. I shake as he cries. I scream inside but feel too hollow to let it out.
The world still spins, but I feel as if it’s stopped inside of me.
“I was thinking…”
Varius says softly, breaking through to me, his voice rough with tears. “That we could tattoo her ashes on us.”
I lift my head in shock. “You’re not going to take her into your shadows?”
It’s their Family custom.
“She’s your child too,”
he murmurs, looking into my eyes. I sob, sagging forward, and now my tears come freely. I nod rapidly, with my whole heart. His hand touches me, asking permission, and I lean into him as I struggle to breathe. He moves to wrap his arms around me, then cradles me tight to his chest as I hold our little girl.
“She needs a name,”
I say between my sobs, so damn desperate to give her that at least.
“I’ve been calling her Bambi.”
I choke on a cry. “I call her Rafiki.”
Which means that conversation wasn’t a joke. She’s had a name all this time.
She knew she was loved.
Bambi Rafiki Shadow.