Jain
Jain
“ I ’m going to be late, fuck!”
I stubbed my toe on the corner of the table, crying out in agony as Julian raised an eyebrow at me.
“Jain, calm down, babe. It’s fine; you’ve got plenty of time, I know it’s your first day, but you need to calm down.”
He glanced back at his paper, sipping his coffee when his phone rang.
“ Recruit Salute , Julian speaking.”
I grabbed my bag, quickly checking my reflection before leaving the house.
Julian was working from home today, and he had pressed snooze on my alarm, making me late. So, he could fuck off if he thought I was listening to him.
“Don’t forget to choose the flowers you want!” he yelled after me as I silently flipped him the bird.
I would shove his flowers up his ass.
I slid into my car, reversing quickly from the large drive, easing myself into the steady traffic that led to my new workplace .
My old school.
I couldn’t quite believe I was going to be working here, of all the places. When Julian got allocated to this town, I knew that I would end up here; there wasn’t much in the way of education around these parts. I’d been secretly pleased and had allowed myself tiny fantasies about being reunited with Evan. Then I had excessive guilt and prayed he had moved on to new pastures.
But no.
He was still here.
When I finally arrived, parking in the staff car park almost threw me. However, I managed to make it with only seconds to spare and realised I had no idea where the staff room was. It had changed since I had been here—some things still stayed the same, though; the stench of bleach mixed with mashed potato, the way my shoes squeaked on the floor.
Vada was behind the reception when I walked in, her eyes narrowing when she saw me.
“Good morning,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t blame me for Evan dumping her. I had no idea what she thought and partly didn’t care.
“Hi. I suppose you want directions to the staff room?”
She was barely civil with me.
“Um, yes.”
Vada sighed before unlocking the door to the office. She pointed at a fire map on the wall, telling me where to go in an emergency as I tried to keep up.
“Vada, I’m sorry to hear about you and Evan,” I said, hoping she would see me as someone who cared rather than who I truly was.
A victorious bitch who had shagged her boyfriend months before whilst becoming engaged to said woman’s cousin.
Oh god, I was going to Hell.
“Right. Anything else?” Vada asked coolly, and I shook my head. She gazed at me for a second before turning back to her desk. I was pretty sure Vada was going to say something but thought better of it. Curiosity toyed with me as I walked away, wondering what she was going to say.
Had Evan mentioned me?
Surely not.
I eventually found the staff room and was relieved to see many new faces. Younger and hipper than I recalled teachers being when I grew up, except for one, of course. Mr Allen, the new headteacher, introduced me to my colleagues, and I smiled shyly. Evan didn’t even lift his head when Mr Allen mentioned his name.
“Evan?”
Evan looked up, avoiding my gaze the entire time. My heart ached for him, his usual shirt and tie, the thick-rimmed glasses, and the tousled hair. He sat back and threw one arm across the sofa before smiling lazily.
“Sorry. Oh, hello, Miss Martin. Welcome back. If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask.”
His words were friendly, but his gaze was not. He dropped his eyes back to the book on his lap, and my body shook with disappointment.
What was he doing?
Why was he behaving this way?
I smiled politely, moving on as Mr Allen continued to introduce me, stopping when we neared his office. First, he went through the relevant paperwork and the safeguarding expectations. Then, he explained that as my class was new to this school, he would be giving me a small room by the library to help students on a one-to-one basis with their studies. I was pleased, as I knew I could do more in a one-to-one than a full class anyway .
We spent the next hour going through which students could benefit from seeing me before Mr Allen told me to grab myself a coffee and make my way down to my new classroom as such. I wandered down the old corridors, smiling at the nostalgia as I remembered my days here. As I neared my old English class, my heart began to hammer hard in my chest, trickles of sweat running down my back as I remembered him pushing me against the door, his tongue dancing with mine as I groaned against him.
“Alright, Miss? You lost? I can direct you to my bedroom if you like...” I blinked back to reality, noticing a scrawny boy gazing at me hungrily, and I grimaced.
“She’s not lost. She was here when you were still learning how to hold a knife and fork. Speaking of which, it’s lunch. Go.”
The voice stopped me in my tracks, and I turned to see Evan watching me from his doorway.
“Evan.”
He walked away from the door, and I followed him in, closing it behind me as he stared at me with a stony expression on his face.
“If this is the ‘can we move forward as colleagues’ speech, yes—we can. If this is a ‘would you like to come to my wedding invite,’ no—I wouldn’t.”
His voice still managed to send shivers down my spine. My eyes fell to his desk as more memories flashed before my eyes.
“It’s strange being back here,” I whispered, almost to myself.
Evan adjusted his glasses before sighing. “It’s surreal seeing you in here,” he confessed as silence descended.
I had to deal with this like a mature adult.
But how?
I cleared my throat as Evan studied me expectantly. “ We need to talk properly. We have to work together, and I feel like I need to explain a few things.”
He continued to stare at me before waving his hand. “So, talk.”
“Here? Now?” I squeaked out as he chuckled softly.
“Or in my bed later, would you rather that?”
My mouth fell open as he laughed. The same dirty laugh I loved so much.
“Sorry, couldn’t help it.” Evan sighed.
“Um, I’m sorry. Maybe this was a bad idea.” I turned to walk away when Evan called my name, the authoritative tone stopping me in my tracks.
“Jain. You coming into this room was never a bad idea. Ever .”
I hung my head, my emotions battling within me for the top spot. I allowed the battle to continue within me, and before I knew it, he was standing close to me. Close enough so I could smell the soap on his skin, the deodorant under his arms. The aftershave he wore on his neck, the mint on his breath.
“My mum knew about us,” I confessed as his eyes widened. My shoulders sagged with relief at finally telling him the reason why I’d ended everything all those years ago.
Evan fell back, leaning onto a table behind him. “ What?”
I nodded as tears filled my eyes. “I didn’t have much choice. If I stayed with you and did the whole ‘Romeo and Juliet’ scene, she would’ve ruined you. I couldn’t let that happen to you. So, I made the best decision I could.”
Evan stared at me, clenching his jaw before turning away from me. I reached out for him, but he flinched, moving away from me again.
“The whole ‘Romeo and Juliet’ thing? They loved each other, Jain. They’d rather die than be apart. Maybe I misunderstood your feelings for me. Losing my job to be with you would’ve been nothing compared to seeing you marry another man,” he muttered, walking away from me and towards his desk.
“I just did what I thought was right. I was eighteen, Evan—”
“So? You weren’t the only one in the relationship, Jain. We were in love! I fucking loved you,” he said, pushing his head into his hands. “But you love Julian, and you’re going to marry him, right?”
He looked up at me then, and I knew it was now or never.
I can’t.
“Right,” I said hollowly, my voice cracking as I spoke.
Evan’s eyes darkened before his shoulders visibly deflated.
“Ok then. There’s nothing more I can say, is there?”
“I guess not. I just wanted you to know, that’s all,” I whispered, wringing my hands together. I made my way to the door, fighting back tears.
“Thanks for that.” Evan snapped, and I left, letting the door close softly behind me.
I tried to compose myself as I continued walking, but something wouldn’t allow the tears to stop. I flung myself into the nearest toilets, grateful they were empty. I sat on the toilet and sobbed, for everything that was, for everything that might’ve been, and for having the grace to accept that I couldn’t change the situation.
I had a lovely man who wanted to marry me, build a home with me. He loved me, and I loved him. Not everything was fireworks and insanity. Sometimes it was just...normality.
Anyway, what was the alternative?
A whirlwind romance with my old teacher? I shook my head, refusing to entertain the idea any longer.
I was getting married in less than two weeks.
I needed to remember that.
I’d already deceived Julian once, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again.