14. Chapter 14
Laughter. That’s not something I hear coming out of my mouth very often. But with Olly, I catch myself doing it increasingly more often.
My mind tells me I should feel weird cuddling him. I have never cuddled with anyone—not even a stuffed animal when I was little.
When I was four, I lost my favorite stuffed brown teddy bear during one of the many moves from one foster home to another. I learned to not get attached to even the smallest of things, so cuddling is just not something I did.
What Olly did for Mazie… spending just one weekend with him has set her on a path to finding loving adoptive parents. Look, I’m not saying that everyone in the foster system will end up walking through life like it’s quicksand. There are plenty of people who have forged ahead and created so mething good with their lives even though they were dealt a shitty hand. But like Olly said, that doesn’t mean every kid doesn’t deserve to grow up in a safe and loving environment.
Thinking about Mazie and her situation makes my gut ache because I’m keeping such a big piece of my life from Olly. Well, everyone really.
I know Marcus is right. I need to tell him. It’s just so awkward now. Hey, so ya know Marcus, the investor in Alex’s company, well, he’s my doctor. Oh, and I’ve been a part of The Matthew House since I was sixteen.
See, I don’t think that will go over well. But I know I need to give him something because I need him to know that I’m really trying to let him in.
“So, umm, tomorrow morning I have my echo scheduled.”
Olly tightens his hold on me, kissing the top of my head. “Do you want me to come with you?”
“What? No, I’ll be fine. I just wanted you to know.”
“You’ve never been one to share a lot of personal information. So I appreciate you telling me.”
“Marcus says the same thing. Apparently, getting information out of me is like pulling teeth,” I say.
“Marcus?”
Shit! I mean, not shit, because I did plan on telling him. It’s just… shit .
I turn over in Olly’s arms. “Marcus is my doctor.”
His brows scrunch together, confusion written all over his face before they shoot up. “Wait, do you mean like Alex’s Marcus?”
Well, technically, he’s my Marcus, but whatever. I should have publicly claimed him by now. “The investor in Alex’s company and my doctor are one and the same. ”
“I remember him saying he used to practice medicine. I didn’t realize he still did.”
“He says he’s partially retired. I honestly don’t know if he’ll ever fully retire.” I’m no psychologist, but I think he needs to work through some things first.
Just like I do.
“Well, I think you’re in excellent hands. He’s taking the time to double check your heart when he could’ve just said you stood up too fast or you were dehydrated.”
“I know, it’s just… Who enjoys going to the doctor, really? I mean, have you seen the lighting in those places?”
Olly laughs. “What, you don’t like being blinded by bright lights as though you’ve been brought aboard the mothership and probed?”
“I’m always up for being probed,” I say, wiggling my ass. “I just wish it wasn’t in such harsh lighting. It’s really not good for my complexion.”
“Right here, in the moonlit glow, your complexion is perfect.”
I can’t help the grin that spreads from ear to ear. “That was the most terrible corny pickup line ever.”
“Oh, I got plenty of corny pickup lines stored away. I will win you over, Jasper Valintine. You just wait and see.”
Silly man, doesn’t he see it? He already has me.
Fuck, she could’ve warmed that shit up before she squirted it all over my chest. And do they have to press so hard with the probe thingy? I change my mind. I don’t enjoy being probed; it doesn’t matter how good the lighting is.
This morning, I left Olly still sound asleep; the covers pulled up to his chin, his hair looking bed rumpled and sexy. It’s never been so hard to get out of bed. I knew that if he woke before I left, he would want to talk about the appointment. But I just needed to get up and go, wanting to get it over with.
I surprised myself. Not once did I wake up wanting to sneak out the bedroom window. Plus, I slept the whole night; like, I didn’t even get up to take a piss.
Leaving him a cute little handwritten note with hearts on it wasn’t the plan and sure as shit not my style. Okay, and maybe they weren’t just simple little hearts; I may have embellished a little. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I left him a note saying I would call him after my appointment.
I feel like something has shifted in Olly, or maybe it’s that something has shifted in me.
God, Olly used to get so fiery mad anytime I even talked about doing something crazy, like skydiving, for instance. That was an argument for a good week. I don’t regret it. The horizon was so beautiful from way up there. The silence, the calm. I needed the calm.
Over the last month, since I fainted at work, Olly has not been as argumentative. Okay, except for the few days he stayed with me right after. But since then, not so much. Part of me kinda misses it. The fun sparring back and forth, but add in the sexual tension we can actually act on now, and damn, that’s hot. But the other part of me goes down the rabbit hole of why? Why has he stopped caring ?
I feel myself changing. I’ve toned down my reckless ways. It could be why Olly doesn’t argue with me as much, but part of me thinks it’s more than that.
Now I’m at the doctor’s office, and if Becky here hems and haws one more time, I’m going to shove that probe where the sun doesn’t shine.
“Jasper, do you have your follow-up appointment scheduled with Dr. Withermore?” I inwardly roll my eyes because, ugh, Becky.
“Umm, no. Am I supposed to?” Marcus didn’t say anything.
“Yes, I believe he wanted you to schedule a follow-up.”
Ok, what’s the rush? Unless Becky sees something that is concerning. Oh God, what does she see? I mean, it’s the only logical explanation for her insisting on me making an appointment.
“Why the urgency, Becky? Do you see something?”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t read the results. I just take the images,” she says, tilting her head as she looks at the monitor one more time.
What the fuck, Becky? Stop it!
“Ok, that should just about cover all the images I need. Why don’t you go ahead and put your shirt back on? I’ll send these over to Dr. Withermore’s office. He should contact you in a couple of days.”
He better be calling me sooner than that. I know where he lives and his damn phone number.
I gasp internally because that’s what one would do when they stumble upon a secret plan. I bet it’s Jacob’s doing, so I have to call him. He’s still mad I haven’t made it over for dinner.
I put my shirt back on as quickly as I can and get the fuck out of there. Ugh, it makes my skin crawl .
It’s cold and dreary when I step foot on the sidewalk and make my way to my car, happy I didn’t ride my motorcycle.
By the time I walk through the front door of my apartment, the rain has picked up, pelting against the windows.
Emptying my pockets, I throw my phone on the table, not before noticing Billy called again. I ignore it, having no interest, and slip off my shoes, socks, and shirt. I need nothing restricting my arms when I’m in the zone.
Since I have the afternoon off and the weather being what it is, I should paint. I need to paint. I need to keep my mind off these tests.
I grab a heavy, large blank canvas, the weight of it familiar in my hands, and carefully place it on the sturdy wooden easel in the corner. I stare at the empty canvas, desperately hoping for a muse to whisper its secrets.
Nothing, I’ve got nothing.
Story of my life, right? I mean, if you’ve got nothing to begin with, then you have nothing to lose. That’s why the risks don’t bother me.
But I’m not sixteen anymore and I’m realizing I might have something to lose.
I’ve been fucking reckless with the drinking, drugs, and partying with the wrong crowd. I did this to myself. I’m the reason I’m even in this situation. And now, there could be something wrong with my heart.
My phone rings again, and I ignore it. Ugh, Billy.
I’m tired of always running. It’s beginning to occur to me that I want to settle down. Not Finn and Spencer settle down, but I think there’s a version out there I could be down with.
Loneliness creeps in and I’m tired of only having fly-by-night friends. I don’t want to surround myself with people like Billy. I wanna surround myself with people like… Olly .
Fuck, Jasper! Frustration bubbles inside. Why did you not listen? Marcus, Jacob, and even Matthew, when he was alive, warned me that someday I will come to realize I have something to live for or that I would finally find something I want to live for.
Now I’m staring down the barrel of death with no adrenaline rush attached to it, just fear. So much fear.
My arms are moving fast as my brush flies across the canvas. I don’t even know what I’m painting, I just see the splashes of dark colors. My heart is pounding. Shit, should my heart be pounding like this? Wait, did I take my blood pressure meds today?
Focus, Jasper.
I push through, knowing I can’t stop until I get these negative feelings out. My mind spirals, going into all the dark corners and pulling out every fear I have caged. I can’t handle hearing the rattle of the cages anymore.
I finally realize I’ve lived my life in constant fear. First the fear no one would want to keep me. That someone would see the stoic boy slowly cracking with every emotion he pushed down and buried.
Until they came and everything was different. I somehow knew they were a safe place to feel. But then he died, and with it came the fear that no matter what I did, I could still lose.
Fears are pulled from the depths, rooted deep with each stroke. You’re not good enough. No one will truly love you. You’re a fuckup. There’s a reason nobody wanted you. Olly deserves better.
That’s the one that takes the wind out of my sails.
My head is throbbing to the pounding beat of my heart.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
“Jasper, I know you’re in there. Let me in, baby. ”
I laugh darkly. My own fears are chasing me down. I’m not even good enough for the dream beating down my door.
“Fuck! Jasper! Open the goddamn door!”
My mind slowly emerges from the fog as I notice the source of the pounding is not my beating heart. No, it’s a frantic, insistent hammering against my front door.
Bang, bang, bang. “Jasper!”
Olly?
I set my brush down and make my way to the front door, opening it.
“Jasper?” Olly gasps, his eyes going wide.
“Olly? What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in?”
I move aside, letting him enter.
“When no one heard from you all day, we got worried.”
“What do you mean, all day?” I ask, a puzzling look on my face.
“Jasper, it’s ten o’clock at night. Jaxon said he called to see how it went today, and you didn’t answer, so he called me to see if I’d heard anything. I’ve been trying to call you all night. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and needed to see if you were…” Olly sucks in a startled breath. “Jasper…” He walks closer to the canvas. “Did you paint this?”
I turn, standing next to Olly, truly seeing what I painted for the first time. The same startled breath escapes me.
“I guess I needed to work through some shit.”
“It’s beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.”
Although you can’t see my face, you can clearly tell that it’s me clutching my chest as my heart is being ripped out .
The black background against my white boa jacket with my still-beating bright red heart is, as Olly said: beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
I can’t help the tear that slides down my cheek and I don’t try to hide it, either. I feel the slide of Olly’s hand in mine as he threads our fingers together. We just stand together in silence as I let the emotions wash over me, absorbing every heartache. No words needed. The image speaks for itself.
Olly gently squeezes my hand. “How did it go today?” he asks, looking over at me.
I shrug. “It went okay. I’m not a big fan of Becky, but I guess it could have been worse.”
“When are you supposed to find out the results?”
“They said a day or two.” I walk over to where my phone is sitting. I have fifteen missed calls. While, yes, some of them are Billy, the majority look to be Jaxon and Olly. I keep scrolling until I see Marcus’ phone number on the list.
“Shit, I missed Marcus’s call.” I look at the clock, knowing it’s too late to call him back now.
Olly walks up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. I sink back into him.
“Did he leave a message?” he asks.
I have five voicemails. Pulling up the first one, it’s Jaxon asking how the appointment went. I press delete. The next is Jaxon again. This time, he sounds a tad frantic .
The world around me is shifting into focus. I always thought I was on the outside looking in, but I’m not. I’ve been on the inside the whole time, too afraid to touch anything.
Next is Olly. The call seems casual enough, but I can hear the quiver in his voice when he tells me to call him.
Finally, there’s a message from Marcus. “ Hey Jasper, just calling you to go over the results of the tests. Give me a call back when you get this. Oh, and Jacob wants to do lunch. ”
“Figures he wouldn’t say what he wants to talk about. He could’ve given me some indication.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay…” I trail off when the last message starts to play.
“You know what? You don’t need to listen to that,” Olly squeaks out, trying to grab the phone from my hand.
He’s not fast enough as I step out of his reach.
“ Hey Jasper, baby. I hope you are doing okay. Umm, I haven’t heard from you and I’m worried. I know you’ll hate me for saying that, but I’m always going to tell you that you’re worthy of being worried about, even if you’re too scared to believe it. You walked into my boring life and splashed it full of color .” I look up to see Olly chewing on his fingernail as his face turns a beautiful shade of red. “ I don’t know what is happening between us, but I know you’re an important person in my life. I just found the real you. I’m sure as shit not ready to give you up. If you could see how we all see you … just call me please, and don’t get mad when I show up at your door .”
I slide the phone away, the silence heavy between us as our gaze lingers between us.
“Why don’t you fight with me anymore? ”
Olly’s eyes widened, mirroring my internal surprise at the sudden question.
He then frowns. “What?”
“You used to argue with me over every little thing, but lately you’ve stopped. Why?”
He scrubs his hands down his face. “I don’t know. I realized that if I really wanted you, I had to love you for exactly who you are. It turns out I really like the person you are. I don’t want you to change. And really… I didn’t want to be down your throat all the time. I was afraid you would get sick of me.”
“There is no way I could ever get sick of you, but I’m not gonna lie…” I walk up, standing right in front of him, as close as I can get without touching. “I miss it.”