Chapter 12
Jaxon noted how Keisha didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride, so he just waited to see if she would bring it up or would even contemplate it.
She had looked surprised at the idea, but he realized—with his rough homecoming, him still dealing with his injuries and his own struggles, and her inability to come see him while he recovered—it had all been a recipe for disaster.
Now he realized that her resistance probably came from much deeper psychological issues based around Kelly and having to deal with her.
The idea of having to deal with two invalids in transition was a lot, and the fact that he and Kelly didn’t get along, guaranteeing constant drama and conflict, may have been the final straw.
He understood more now and noted he hadn’t been very thoughtful at the time.
He just showed up back home, probably a little harder and a little darker, a little brusque, potentially needy.
That image made him wince just thinking about it.
That was not who he was, but seeing the situation when he arrived made it particularly difficult for him, and he already knew he hadn’t handled it well.
Now he would try and backpedal as much as he could.
When he drove up to their favorite restaurant, she looked at it and nodded. “I haven’t been here since.”
“Me neither,” he confirmed, with a smile. “So, let’s go in and see if the food is still as good.”
He acted completely cool about it, not wanting to put any significance into this choice, but a part of him had driven here on purpose.
This was a place they had spent many happy nights getting to know each other, but apparently that was before the shit hit the fan, and now everything was different.
He just hadn’t expected there to be such a huge difference this time around.
As they walked in, he gave the waitress his name for their reservation, and they were quickly led to a table off to the side.
She smiled as she realized it was even the same table. “Did you ask for this?”
“No, I did not,” he replied, with a note of laughter. “Yet it’s interesting that they gave it to us.”
They ordered quickly, both already knowing the menu, and, when they were finally left alone again, he looked over at her and smiled. “How was your day?”
She gave half a snort. “This is completely surreal, you asking me about my day, as if we’re back to some semblance of a normal relationship,” she muttered, just shaking her head. “That just takes the cake.”
He shrugged. “No reason not to ask how your day was,” he noted. “I worked with llamas all day.”
She flushed. “And I tend to forget that you’re out there doing something too.”
“In this case I was, though I don’t know how successfully,” he clarified, with half a laugh, “but I was trying. I also worked at the bunkhouse for a while, as we finished setting up a large bathroom shower area and then connected it to the septic.”
“Ooh, that sounds like a fun job,” she teased.
Then he laughed. “On the other hand, not only do we have a place for everybody to sleep, now we’re set up for everybody to shower, and that is a huge thing.”
“I can’t imagine what bunkhouse living is like,” she shared. “Yet it sounds like something I would really enjoy.”
“You would for a while because it’s different, and then you would want some spare time and freedom, and a little more private space,” he noted, with a laugh. “You’ve had your own place for a number of years, so that could be hard to switch out from.”
“Maybe,” she murmured.
“It is your house, isn’t it?” he asked her.
She looked over at him and shrugged. “Yeah, it is.”
They fell silent for a long moment, and then he added, “I never meant for you to feel as if you had to choose, you know?”
Startled, she looked over at him. “What are you talking about?”
“I didn’t want you to feel as if you had to choose between us, … between me and Kelly.”
She blinked several times and then flushed. “Which … I guess I already did, didn’t I?”
“Exactly,” he said, but he tried hard to keep the rancor out of his tone. He’d been working through a lot of stuff recently, and this appeared to be just one more thing that needed to be dealt with. He added, “I’m sorry if that’s how I made you feel. That wasn’t my intent.”
She stared off in the distance. “I don’t know if it was a case of making me feel that way or not,” she replied.
“I knew you were coming, and, while you were in the process of returning, Kelly had several bad falls, and it was triggering an awful lot of things, and a sense of loss over my parents’ deaths that I didn’t realize I hadn’t dealt with.
Every time Kelly fell or had another setback, it just brought everything up again about the car accident.
You hadn’t been here to see it or to deal with it for most of those years since Kel’s accident.
So, when you came home, it suddenly just seemed as if we were strangers. ”
He nodded. “And I didn’t help anything by not getting along with her.”
“She’s not been the easiest to get along with,” she admitted cautiously, “and lately it’s been even worse.”
“I’m sorry. That’s hard. You never get a break from being a caregiver.”
“No”—she laughed—“but it’s really not like being a real caregiver. Anybody with a family member who has extra needs, there’s no breaks for them either.”
“There is sometimes,” he added, “but it depends on individual circumstances, I guess.”
Their first course arrived just after that, giving them a bit of a break from the heavy topic of conversation. He tried to interject more of a light and easy getting to know each other tone. “How about the knitting?” he asked suddenly.
He watched as she looked up at him, startled. Her eyes widened, and she started to giggle. “Yeah, that whole thing went in the garbage.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Yet you were really proud of what you were doing.”
“That didn’t last very long,” she muttered.
“I don’t know what happened, but all of a sudden I had more stitches than I started with, and everything started to go sideways …
literally.” She laughed. “I tried to fix it, made it worse, tried to fix it again, and finally ended up just deciding that really wasn’t my thing. ”
He grinned at her. “Dang, I really loved the idea of you sitting at home knitting,” he shared, with a chuckle. “It was such a fun thing to envision.”
“I was trying to find things that would give me more downtime, more rest, you know? Things that would give me something else to occupy my mind with, yet allowing my body to calm down. That’s what hobbies are supposed to be for, right?”
“Maybe,” he conceded, with a smirk. “I think people have hobbies for a lot of different reasons, but the few times I heard about the knitting, you sounded as if you were really happy with it.”
“Yeah, … that didn’t last,” she said, still snickering. “But, hey, I tried, and that’s what counts.”
“It does count,” he agreed immediately. “It counts a lot, and I’m just sorry I didn’t get to see it.”
She pulled out her phone and spent a few moments swiping through her pictures, then held it up. “This is what it looked like.”
As he took the phone from her, he saw the front of the misshapen garment hanging sideways, like a drunken sailor, and he started to laugh.
“Yeah, that’s what I was doing too,” she replied. “It was so bad.”
“It’s a pretty good conversation piece,” he noted, trying to hold back his laughter.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t think I needed to invest months of frustration to create that.”
He just grinned at her, still smiling. “I think it’s great that you tried.”
“Maybe one day, when I’m old and gray, sitting in a rocking chair, I’ll try again, but, for now, it won’t happen.”
At that, he burst out laughing, and the conversation got a little bit easier from then on. By the time they finished eating and were both sitting back, enjoying the relaxed glow of good food and good company, she asked, “Did you ever pick up any other hobbies?”
“I do a ton of woodworking,” he noted, with a shrug.
“But right now it’s more work than hobby because I’m doing a lot of that for Timber, but I’m also doing an awful lot of …
everything. So right now, I’m just trying to work as hard as I can, and, if I have any energy at the end of the day, I go visit the animals.
Something is so incredibly healing about being out there with them. ”
“That,” she declared, “I can agree with totally. Animals are so great for that. It’s been the animals who have held me together through so much over the last decade.”
“Has it been that long?” he asked, turning to face her.
She frowned as she thought about it. “It’s not been a decade since the accident, if that’s what you’re asking.
However, as you know, becoming a vet was a challenge,” she shared, with a wry smile, “and expensive. There were certainly plenty of days that I went to bed crying. And honestly, it still happens from time to time. Setting up my own practice wasn’t easy, and I still have days when I wonder if I’ve done the right thing.
I don’t know,” she admitted, with a smile.
“It seems as if life gives us twists and turns, and whether we can navigate and stay on our feet matters,” she suggested, giving him a look. “Otherwise it can get very difficult.”
“I hear you there,” he confirmed. “I didn’t expect to end up with a prosthetic. I didn’t expect to end up injured at all.” Then he winced and added, “And I sure didn’t expect to wind up divorced.”
“That’s what life does to you,” she said immediately and then frowned as she stared down at her glass of wine.
“It is,” he acknowledged, glossing it over and changing the subject a bit. “So, is business good? Are you happy with having your own practice? Is there enough business for the two clinics?”
“I’m happy having my own clinic,” she replied. “Business is up and down, but most of the time it’s good. It just needs to be steady enough that I can keep the staff employed. That is the one thing that keeps me up in the middle of the night.”
“How so?”
“It’s just worrying when I pay the bills at the end of the day, wondering if I have enough money to go around, or do I need to be raising prices, which would hurt a lot of my clients who just don’t have it.
Then I wonder if I should find another way to make more money, you know, a side hustle,” she added, with a smile.
“And, no, I don’t have a clue what that would be.
For the most part, everything is going fine.
Then, once in a while, we’ll have a month where things are not so great, and I’ll start worrying again.
Until the next month—when I can pay for everything, and it looks better—so I relax a little. It just goes in cycles.”
“I can see that,” he said and nodded.
“I’m not so well established yet that I don’t have to worry about it nor so overwhelmingly popular with clients that I’m turning people away,” she pointed out. “I can’t imagine what that would feel like either because, to me, turning somebody away if their pet is in need is something I can’t do.”
“Agreed. We don’t want to be doing that.”
“So, what about your family?” When he looked at her quizzically, she flushed. “I’m sure I’m supposed to know, but I’ve honestly forgotten.”
“My dad passed away while I was deployed this last time,” he shared. “I did tell you, but I think it happened at the point in time that you were dealing with your sister having seizures.”
Visibly embarrassed, she moaned. “Honest to God, I don’t remember you telling me.”
“I did, but …” Then he just shrugged.
“I feel like so much of my life has gotten washed away while dealing with Kelly, but then I feel completely guilty for saying that since I have a healthy life, and she’s in a wheelchair and can’t do very much,” she explained. “And then I circle back around again.”
“I’m sure those are the common guilt feelings anybody would have.”
“Maybe,” she murmured, “I don’t know. Anyway, I’m sorry about your dad. I don’t even remember you telling me that.”
“I left a message with your sister.”
She frowned at him. “And then you never mentioned it again?”
“I did, but I think you were distracted at the time because you cut me off about something else.”
“Oh, crap,” she muttered, staring at him in shock.
He shrugged, feeling some of the hurt from back then ease slightly. “Yeah.” He smiled at her. “It was a rough time.”
“Did you … did you get time off, to go see them?”
“I did,” he replied, eyeing her strangely.
She frowned at him. “This is another one of those things where you’ll tell me that you told me about it too, but I didn’t respond, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it,” he confirmed and frowned. “Kind of reminds me of you feeling we are strangers.”
“And yet how?” She stopped, then added in frustration, “I don’t know how I would have missed that news.”
“I don’t know either,” he admitted. “But afterward, I didn’t really mention it because you had been fairly distant about it. Maybe that was part of my resentment over the lack of communication, and then, when I got home, it’s like everything was about Kelly.”
“You really were jealous of her?”
He winced at that and said, “I really hate to think that’s the case, but I’ve come to understand that I’ve been envious coming home to find that she got your attention and that I got divorce papers.
” Her breath caught up at that. As she stared at him, he nodded.
“So, I guess that’s some of my issues, but that’s not why we’re here. ”
“No, it’s not, but you’re making me realize that I may not have been there for you very much in the marriage.” He gave her a hooded look, not sure how to respond to that.
She just blinked several times, as if she was just becoming aware of things that had affected him so badly when she didn’t even respond back then. “I honestly don’t remember those conversations.”
“Like I mentioned, you were in a hard place, with Kelly and with me,” he pointed out. “So, I’m not really surprised.”
She stared off in the distance, and he watched as she started to shake her head, almost as if she couldn’t stop.
“Easy, easy, easy,” he said. He quickly called for the bill, realizing that she was one step away from breaking down, so he rushed her out to his vehicle. They sat in the parking lot as he tried to calm her down. “Take it easy. Just breathe.”
When she finally calmed down, she looked at him, her eyes wide and bewildered. When he pulled her into his arms and just held her, she broke down, probably for the first time in a very long time.
She just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.