Chapter 14 #2
“I think on his part, when I didn’t respond and prioritized my sister’s care over his needs, that put a nail in the proverbial coffin, so he quit trying to communicate with me. I don’t even want to think about him dealing with his injuries on his own.”
“And yet he’s not the one who wants a divorce?” Tania asked, bewildered.
Keisha looked over at her in surprise and then slowly shook her head. “No, he’s not the one who wants a divorce.”
She thought about it a lot later that day and that night because it really was shocking how this had all played out. Jaxon wasn’t the one looking for the divorce, but how badly did she want to get away from the situation?
A better question was, did she love him?
Did he love her?
And, if he did, were they willing to fight for that love?
He was, but she’d already said no, and that was the problem.
She’d said no by asking for the divorce, and yet she knew in her heart of hearts that divorce was basically her exit strategy for a caregiving life with her sister that had gotten very difficult.
Keisha didn’t know how to handle Kelly anymore, and marrying Jaxon hadn’t turned out to be the escape route she thought it would be or that it could have been.
Because she owned the house and they moved into it because of her sister, it had just made things that much worse.
Not liking the snapshot into her own personality right now, Keisha went home, had leftovers, offered Kelly some, ignored her when she refused, then went out for a walk.
She had the dogs with her, and it took a little bit for her to calm down enough to find some clarity in all the confusion.
She didn’t think much of herself right now, and she owed Jaxon a pretty major apology.
Not only had she not treated him like a partner, she had treated him as an inconvenience, somebody causing her trouble, instead of somebody there to discuss her troubles with and to help her find another solution.
She groaned as she walked, loud and irritated, which caused a couple other people out walking to turn to her.
She shrugged at one and just said, “It’s been one of those days.”
The woman laughed. “Sometimes I think it’s one of those years.”
And wasn’t that the truth? Even as she walked, Keisha felt the need to apologize and the need to find clarity with Jaxon.
She pulled out her phone, and, not giving herself a chance to question it and to back out, she called him.
When he answered, his voice was distracted. “Hey, am I calling at a bad time?”
“No, not at all,” he replied. “Hang on a sec. I’ll just step outside.”
“If you don’t mind, I would appreciate that.” Then she hesitated and added, “If you have a moment, I would just like to talk, if you have privacy.”
“Sure,” he said, his voice calm.
It was that same steadiness that she realized she really missed.
It had been the part of him that she’d always appreciated and had relied on.
When he’d returned from his last tour, he’d been a bit of a mess, coming into a household where she was a mess as well, and her sister was even a bigger mess.
“I owe you an apology,” she began abruptly.
There was silence on the other end and then a chuckle. “I’m not sure why you would.” There wasn’t any sense of Yeah, you do or anything else. It was more curiosity. “What is it you think you’ve done that you owe me an apology for?”
“Lots of things,” she began. “I don’t know if I can even get it all clear in my head, but I’m working on it.”
“Maybe you should tell me then.”
She tried to explain, and some of her words got muddled, but some of it came out okay. Finally she stopped talking. She had rambled long enough and had probably made it worse. “I think I butchered that more than I clarified anything,” she added, with a groan.
“No, I think you did pretty well,” he replied.
“First off, I do not hold anything about the loss of my father against you. I won’t lie.
Your response was hurtful at the time. It’s clear that Kelly was obviously having issues at the time, and she was alive and clearly took precedence over those already deceased,” he shared and sighed.
“I had always wondered if your sister had given you the message, and, once I got back home again, I realized she probably hadn’t.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve had so little patience with her, but that’s also on me. ”
“No, it’s not on you,” she argued, her tone hard.
“Part of the reason I didn’t have any tolerance or patience with you was because I was already really struggling with looking after her.
I feel guilty as hell, and I don’t know what the solution is, but instead of asking for suggestions or involving you in finding a solution, I made you part of the problem and never gave you a chance, and, for that, I’m also sorry. ”
Silence came for a long moment, and he finally spoke.
“I appreciate that. I hadn’t considered it from that point of view, but I can see how that might have come about.
At the risk of pissing you off,” he added, with a dry laugh, “I do think you need to come up with a different solution for Kelly because honestly, this doesn’t appear to be a healthy scenario for either one of you. ”
“No, it sure isn’t,” she confirmed. “I made dinner tonight, and once again she wouldn’t eat. I just walked out because I don’t know what else to do.”
“I think it’s something you may need to get professional help with,” he suggested.
“I’m not telling you that she needs to move out, but I am worried that the situation is not healthy for her.
She’s become extremely dependent on you, and, given her circumstances, I can see why,” he said immediately.
“I’m not saying you need to get rid of your sister, but she needs to sort out her own life, on her own. ”
“That’s good,” she noted, an odd note of humor in her tone, “because that’s obviously not an option.”
“No, it may not be a financial option, and I get that,” he stated, with a sigh, “but what also isn’t great is that you are spending your entire life looking after her, and I don’t see any evidence of gratitude from her.”
“Me neither.”
“She’s still the same?”
“More or less.”
“Then she needs an intervention. She’s still so angry and keeps herself busy making your life miserable, so you are suffering as well,” he stated. “That needs to stop.”
“Needs to stop,” she repeated, her voice cracking. “I’ve done a lot of soul searching these last couple days, but honestly, I don’t have any idea how to make it better, let alone stop it completely,” she admitted.
“I don’t know either,” he conceded, “but it’s time for you to have some serious conversations with her.”
“And yet she has no place else to go. This is her home, and I certainly can’t just kick her out,” she pointed out.
“And I’m not saying that you should, not at all. I understand where she’s at, and she needs to know that she has your support, but she also needs to understand that she’s basically killing you, and that’s not fair either.”
“That’s a bit melodramatic,” Keisha replied.
“Is it?” he asked, deepening his voice. “Is it really?”
“I don’t know.” She sounded miserable.
“Not from where I’m standing, and I think you know it all too well.
It looks as if everything else in your life will go to pot as you try to keep things at home stable for her, and it’s still not stable,” he noted.
“This isn’t a criticism at all, but you’re not handling it very well anymore.
It’s cumulative, and I’m sure there’s a word for it, something like caretaker overwhelm-ness. ”
She snorted at that. “I highly doubt that’s a real term.”
“Maybe not,” he said, with a laugh. “Maybe it should be.”
“Anyway, I do know what you’re saying,” she admitted, “and, to a certain extent at least, I understand your concern.” She frowned as she stared off in the distance and missed what he said next. “What did you say? Sorry, I was off thinking about what to do.”
“I guess while you’re thinking about what to do, maybe you should ask yourself what you really want to do about me while you’re at it.”
There was silence at first. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Then do nothing right now,” he suggested.
“Give yourself a chance to just breathe. That’s if you love me.
And, if you don’t love me anymore, then that’s easy.
But if you do or if you’re just really confused, and you don’t know how to move forward, then just take some time.
You don’t have to be in a hurry with the divorce. ”
“Maybe not,” she agreed, “but it just seemed as if it would be so much easier.”
“Easier is an interesting word,” he stated thoughtfully.
“I don’t quite understand it from my viewpoint, but I get that, for you, maybe it eliminated one problem.
And listen, if I am a problem, the divorce is exactly where you need to go because that’s not what I’m here for.
And, yes, it would have been nice if you had turned to me for help instead of seeing me as a problem. ”
“And that’s exactly what I should have done,” she confirmed. “I’m not even sure why I didn’t.”
“Maybe that answer will come to you when you think about it,” he offered. “Right now, if you can get some sleep, I think you should.”
They rang off soon afterward. She sat here on a park bench, thinking about it, not even sure of the answers to the questions he had posed.
When she got home, Kelly wheeled herself out, then looked at her and spat, “Looks as if you went out with lover boy again.”
She frowned at that and then shook her head. “No, I didn’t. I called him, was talking to him, however, trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life.”
Her eyebrows shot up in a scowl. “Don’t tell me that you’re thinking about going back to him?” she asked in a mocking tone.
Keisha stared at her sister. “I don’t understand why you have to be so hateful about him.”