16. Jordan
Jordan
Okay, so it’s not that I mind at all that Orion’s gay. I definitely don’t. Hand on heart, I’m not homophobic. I’m an ally, and I really mean that.
I’m not upset that Orion is gay. I’m just a little upset that he didn’t tell me.
I don’t know when he realized it. It must be a super-recent thing, but still, I’m a little bleak that he didn’t talk it through with me while he was going through it.
I know he’s a lot more cagey than I am. He always has been.
But I do think he should have spoken to me about it.
Sexuality is a big deal, and I know I’d definitely talk to him if something like this was going down for me. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m not upset as such. I’m a little irked he didn’t tell me.
He’s probably been online, talking to guys he doesn’t even know about his orientation, when he could easily have been talking to me. I’ve been right here this whole time. We live together, for Christ’s sake. I’m always around. He can hardly roll out of bed without running into me.
He’s probably been hooking up with guys behind my back and not telling me about that either.
Not behind my back as such, but you know what I mean.
He’s probably on a bunch of apps, flirting and exchanging dick pics, and making plans to hook up because from what I’ve observed, that’s how things tend to go down for queer dudes.
He’s probably had guys in the apartment when I’m not here.
Fuck.
He probably has had guys around here.
A fresh wave of something that’s definitely not anger or judgment rises up. It’s a very unpleasant emotion. A dark, twisty feeling that gets all up in my guts.
Orion has probably been hooking up like crazy. I know other guys who’ve come out at college, and they’ve all gone on major sexual benders after stepping out of the closet.
I can’t believe Orion has been hooking up with guys and not telling me.
He probably had his first sexual experience with a guy in the past few weeks. He probably had his first dude-on-dude kiss in some dark alley or restroom, came home, looked me in the eye, and pretended nothing major had happened.
I’m not upset about the kissing, okay? I’m upset about the fucking not telling me it happened.
I glance around the living room, looking for something out of place.
Something small that shouldn’t be here. Something big that’s been moved or fucked into a different position.
When I find nothing, I look down and study the floor near the feet of the sofa, looking for scratches in the timber.
I find a bunch, but I can’t tell if they’re from the time I brought Tash from my economics class back here, or if they’re from Orion and whoever he was banging without telling me.
And that’s another thing. Randomly fucking dudes without letting me know it was happening…
How unsafe is that? He should have at least told me he’s hooking up with guys, so I’d have known to look out for him.
You know, so I’d know where he was and with whom.
So I’d know when he was supposed to be home, and I’d be able to find him if he was late getting back.
I have him on my Find My app on my phone, so it wouldn’t be a mission for me at all. It would be easy to track him.
I’m definitely going to have a word with him about this.
I’m not having him meet up with random men I don’t know, putting himself in incredible danger without even telling me.
Orion is walking around the apartment like nothing is wrong. Like nothing major or groundbreaking has happened. It’s driving me crazy.
He’s completely better now, other than his voice, which is still a little hoarse.
He’s been going to class again and spending a lot of time catching up on assignments.
He might be spending a little more time than usual in his room, but I can’t tell if that’s because of the bombshell he dropped, or if he simply has a lot of work to get through.
“You good?” I ask for what feels like the hundredth time.
He does this cute thing he usually does when he’s eaten the last Oreo. His shoulders curl up, and he nods and shakes his head at the same time. Ordinarily, I take the gesture to mean I did something wrong and I’m sorry, but now I’m not sure how to read it because he hasn’t done anything wrong.
“Did you get your management paper done?” he asks, trying to distract me from observing him too closely.
“Almost.”
It’s not technically true. I haven’t almost gotten it done. I haven’t started it. My concentration is shot to shit. I can’t think of a single thing other than the fact that Orion is gay. Every time I look at him, I think of him being with a guy and have a very bad reaction to it.
I have no idea what’s going on with me because obviously, I want him to be happy, and I support the hell out of him.
What I feel when I think of a guy laying his hands on O is one of those emotions that doesn’t really have a name.
It’s more like a weight and a color than a word.
An ugly shit-green fog that settles around me and won’t go away.
The thing is, lots of men are really selfish in bed. That’s a fact. Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you. More men are bad in bed than good. That’s what upsets me. I don’t want my good friend meeting up with dicks he doesn’t know, risking his life for a nut, and then not even having a good experience.
I’m looking out for him, that’s all.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t actually done the deed with a guy. Maybe he’s kissed a few, and maybe he’s received or given a few handies, possibly a blowie or two, but I don’t think he’s done anything more.
I honestly don’t.
I glance over and find him looking at me like he’s waiting for me to say something.
His eyes are big. Dark brown with lights and shadows that usually make me feel relaxed.
They’re open a little wider than usual, and he’s looking at me in a hopeful, worried way I haven’t seen before.
The color has started to return to his cheeks, so he looks like himself again, but he isn’t being completely himself.
His posture is all wrong. He’s tense, nervous that there’s an unspoken argument between us.
I know that because I know Orion. I’m good at reading him, even though I missed a fucking gigantic thing.
Still, I think I’m right about this.
There’s no way he’s fucked someone or gotten fucked and not told me.