31. Jordan
Jordan
I’m having the hardest time acting normal around Orion.
I can tell he’s trying to get things between us back to the way they were before he came out, but he’s struggling because he’s having to carry entire conversations while I use all my energy to avoid gawking at him.
The problem is, I can’t think of anything that isn’t him, and I can’t tear my eyes off him when he’s near me.
He is so attractive I can hardly believe my eyes when he stumbles out of his room in the mornings.
He’s absolutely gorgeous, and not just because of how he looks.
He’s gorgeous because I know him so well, but lately, I’ve been seeing sides of him I didn’t know existed.
He’s gorgeous because of the way his mind works.
Because of the way he thinks. Because of the way he moves and takes up space in the apartment.
There are little gaps around me when I’m with other people, but when I’m with him, there’s no empty space.
There are no hollow little corners near me.
No cracks that make me wish I was with anyone else.
The other day he barked a loud, gruff laugh when something amusing happened in a reel on one of his socials, and I had to sit for a second and rest my legs before I was able to ask him what was so funny. His eyes almost closed when he told me, and his lips peeled all the way back.
I was stunned by how beautiful he is.
The thing is, Orion is so much more than physically attractive. It’s like good things flow out of him freely all the time. Good things that have been mixed with a twist of sarcasm, a squeeze of dry humor, and a splash of familiarity, all poured into a glass and offered to me on a nice tray.
And shit, it’s a cocktail I can’t get enough of. A cocktail that empties my mind and fucks me up in the worst way.
I’ve been messaging my eldest sister Kirst about what’s up with me a lot lately.
It’s not that I don’t value my other sisters’ opinions.
It’s just that, historically, Kirst has always given me the best advice.
She’s level-headed and sensible, and yeah, it doesn’t hurt that she softens her advice because she still enjoys babying me a little.
So, like I said, I totally don’t mind that Orion’s gay. I support the heck out of him.
I’ve mentioned this before, several times, but I think it’s important to bring it up again because I want to frame the issue correctly.
Actually, I’ve totally accepted it now. It was a shock at first, but when I think about it, it makes a lot of sense.
I’m glad he’s gay. I think it suits him.
We went to a gay club the other night, and it was a total bust. O didn’t have a good time at all. I don’t think that kind of environment is for him, you know?
I think that’s the main thing. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he has to hook up with a ton of guys, you know?
I’ve almost completely stopped being an asshole about any of this.
That’s good progress, right?
Blue ticks appear next to my messages, and I wait, happily, for one of Kirst’s sensible, supportive messages to come through. She’s a big believer in validation, asking kind, open-ended questions that make you think about your situation and realize you were on the right track all along.
That’s some top-tier sisterly love right there. I’m so lucky to have her in my life.
It takes ages for three dots to appear on my screen.
It’s not like her to take this long to reply when she’s read a message, so I’m excited to see what she’s going to say.
I hope she says that she doesn’t think Orion is ready to hit the dating scene either.
She’s known him since we were kids, so she’s definitely well-placed to know what’s best for him.
I’ve been strongly hinting that I don’t think Orion should date in my messages for a while, but up until now, she hasn’t addressed the issue directly, and I really want her to. I know I’m right about this, but I want her to agree with me.
Kirst:
No.
No?
Huh?
What does she mean, no?
No, what?
No, I don’t think you’re making good progress.
I’m trying to digest that message when the next one comes through.
I’ve been very nice about this for weeks now, but I’ve had a busy day, and I’m hungry because I didn’t have time for lunch, so I’m done sugarcoating this shit.
You do NOT mind that Orion is gay, and you never have.
You are not concerned about his well-being, and all gay men have NOT somehow become selfish lovers overnight.
The reason you’re upset by the thought of Orion being with another man is very simple. YOU WANT HIM FOR YOURSELF.
You have an astronomical crush on him. Just FYI.
I gape at the last two messages for quite a while, stunned. It’s literally not supportive at all.
I sit on the sofa, pretending to watch whatever is on TV, but inside, I’m stewing. I don’t want to address what she said directly, but I also don’t want her to have the last word.
I’m messaging Keeley about this in the future.
Keeley is my second eldest sister. She’s lovely as well, but more of a second-tier advice-giver because she actively enjoys telling people when they’re wrong.
Good luck with that.
Kirst follows that with a string of laughing emojis and final message.
She’ll tell you’re down bad for Orion in two seconds flat.
After a lot of consideration, I decide not to message Keeley about Orion. Not for any major reason, only because I’m tired of thinking about the whole thing, and talking about it incessantly isn’t going to help me think about it less.