Chapter Twelve
Over my dead body.
Jenna grinned, recalling Axel’s protests.
When she’d stepped out of the shower, feeling so much better where her morning sickness was concerned, she had dried herself off and dressed in a light, airy blouse, and jeans.
Then she’d faced Axel and Nick, who were devouring bacon and eggs and coffee, and announced that she would skip breakfast and go to town for groceries and other supplies.
Alone.
Axel hadn’t liked the alone part, and she’d joked that arranging his “dead body” could be managed easily enough. He had backed down just a bit, no doubt remembering just how stubborn she could be.
Nick had smiled at their banter and cut in by filling her in on the morning’s accomplishments. He and Axel had been up at the crack of dawn.
Knowing the horses had been inside for so long due to yesterday’s storm, they’d released the animals into the pasture, then mucked the stalls.
Axel had tended to the chickens, and Nick had taken the trip to Sam’s with Daisy, leaving her there for the day so she could keep an eye on things. The hardware store had been called, and a truck with supplies was due that afternoon.
Axel had followed her in Tim’s truck until they’d reached the highway. Any further mileage would have triggered his ankle bracelet and Jenna felt relieved when he turned around and headed back down the dirt road.
Now she was on her own and still had a half-hour drive to the nearest town. She reassured herself that there had been no suspicious vehicles on the way out and the highway was busy enough to feel safe.
At least, she hoped she would be safe.
The drive was uneventful, and upon reaching town, Jenna went straight to the clinic to hopefully get a morning appointment to see Charlotte, her nurse practitioner.
She needed answers, and she needed them badly. Thankfully, Charlotte had just entered the parking lot when Jenna had arrived, and she’d told Jenna she would see her right away.
Charlotte was a couple of years younger than Jenna, slim and so likeable. She was dressed in a pretty pink uniform that was enhanced by her pale pink nail polish, glittering pink lipstick and a dash of pink eyeshadow.
“Well, from what you're describing it sounds like you have Widow’s Fire,” Charlotte told Jenna.
The unfamiliar term hit her like a splash of cold water. It was startling, oddly relieving, and embarrassing all at once.
“Excuse me?” Jenna asked, not sure if she’d heard right.
Charlotte shook her head, her dark brown shoulder length curls bouncing.
“It's nothing bad and it won’t hurt you or your baby. It’s a physiological and emotional side effect of grief that some women experience after losing a spouse. It’s not very common, but it’s completely normal.”
Jenna’s shoulders sagged, the tension she’d been carrying loosening just a fraction.
“It can happen weeks or months after a partner’s passing.
With Tim gone, there’s a void in your life, and you’re likely craving intimacy.
This doesn’t diminish your love for Tim, even though you did tell me you had had enough of him and were going to ask him for a divorce before you got pregnant.
Despite that you are still grieving and it’s a normal response.
It happens to both widows and widowers,” Charlotte said in a gentle tone.
A flicker of guilt tightened Jenna’s throat. Grief was never simple, and hearing Tim’s name tugged at her emotions.
Jenna had told Charlotte everything that had happened since Axel and Nick had shown up unexpectedly at her place yesterday morning.
Her passing out had been Charlotte’s biggest concern and after quite the thorough checkup, Charlotte said it had been something called vasovagal syncope which due to all the stress she’d been under had caused her temporary low blood pressure making her faint.
All was well with the baby and herself. Relief had washed through Jenna so fast her eyes had stung with tears.
She hadn’t realized how tightly she’d been holding her breath too.
Her baby was okay.
Then Jenna had told her about her arousal toward Axel and Nick, fully expecting Charlotte’s mouth to drop open in shock, but it didn’t. Instead, she’d smiled in that gentle way of hers that made Jenna so glad she had come here today.
Jenna’s voice dropped to a whisper, as if saying it too loudly might make it more real.
“These feelings are so intense and overwhelming, almost uncontrollable. I practically threw myself at Axel when we kissed and I was feeling quite attracted to Nick too when I was tending to his head injury. These feelings just came on so suddenly when the two of them just showed up.”
“All part of widow’s fire,” Charlotte reassured, her green eyes sparkling, giving Jenna a reassuring nod.
Jenna blinked, stunned. The idea that her chaos had a name felt both comforting and humiliating.
“But how do I handle this?”
“You can’t. If you feel you can handle any guilty feelings then you should do what feels right. Some professionals say sex can be a coping mechanism for grief, though it can sometimes hinder the healing process,” Charlotte replied in a serious tone.
Heat crept up her neck. she hated the idea of her body steering the ship while her mind scrambled to keep up. She prided herself in having the utmost control over everything, but since Sam had gone away and Axel and Nick had shown up, everything just felt topsy turvy.
Charlotte placed her hand over Jenna’s hand and squeezed gently.
“Loss creates a deep void, and sex can be your body’s way of filling that emptiness. Add pregnancy to the mix, the hormonal changes increase blood flow and increase sensitivity in your body.”
“Lovely. Two strikes against me,” Jenna tried to joke, not really finding this situation she was in at all funny.
“Hey, look on the bright side, no need for contraceptives.”
“Well, there’s that,” Jenna muttered. Her stomach fluttered. Not from fear, but from the dangerous spark of possibility.
Nope. No way. There was no way she was going to have sex. No way.
“Having said that, if you do decide to give into your feelings, safe sex would be best under the circumstances due to them having recently been in prison.”
Jenna nodded. No, she wasn’t going to have sex with either men.
“Okay, by the severe frown on your face I can see you’ve got something else on your mind. Did you want to share?”
Gosh, Charlotte was so perceptive.
Too perceptive.
Jenna’s face flushed hot and her fingers twisted in the paper gown, the confession clawing its way up before she could stop it.
“I not only want sex with my ex, but I also want to have sex with his friend. Both of them. At the same time. But I can’t do anything because I’m worried about the baby,” she confessed, not really believing she’d just admitted to the naughty fantasies she’d been having.
Naughty fantasies that had kept her sleeping late this morning.
Much to Jenna’s relief, Charlotte remained professional. The lack of judgment in Charlotte’s eyes steadied her, like a hand on her back guiding her through a storm.
“As long as everyone is careful and they are free of sexually transmissible diseases, the baby will be safe. As your pregnancy progresses, you may not want to have sex as often. The most important thing is to do what you feel is right.”
Jenna nodded, grateful for Charlotte’s wisdom, empathy, and support.
It was Charlotte’s time to frown as she continued.
“Hmm, from what I remember you telling me about Axel, there were a lot of unresolved feelings when he pushed you away because he went to prison. Those feelings have been buried inside of you too and now he’s back.
So, you’ve got widow’s fire, pregnancy hormones, and unresolved feelings.
Is it any wonder you are overwhelmed, Jenna? ”
Suddenly everything clicked into place. The grief, the hormones, the unresolved love. It was messy, but yeah, it finally made sense.
“A triple whammy,” Jenna said and she couldn’t help but chuckle at her own joke. And damned if she didn’t feel better knowing now what was going on. She wasn’t mad or a sex-starved idiot.
“You are a lifesaver, Charlotte,” Jenna praised.
“Anytime,” Charlotte said with a gentle grin.
She was so glad she’d come here to get her baby checked out and to unload her stress.
Now, she could go and do her shopping in peace. Knowing what was happening regarding her body and her feelings, she’d just have to reign herself in from reacting despite Charlotte saying there wasn’t anything she could do. She’d just masturbate. Yes, that’s what she would do.
But have mercy, those two men sure did make her feel alive. More alive than she had felt in quite some time.
“Okay, I’ve got to get to my incoming patients. I’m glad I could help. Call or come in anytime. And if Nick feels worse, I can make a trip out to check on him so as to not set off that ankle alarm you’ve mentioned. You’ve got my personal number too. So take care and have fun.”
Charlotte gave Jenna’s hand a final reassuring squeeze and then she left the examination room.
Jenna blew out a long slow breath before getting off the exam table. The paper gown crackled throughout the room as she hurried to get dressed. Each movement felt lighter, as if she were stepping back into her clothes with a new understanding of herself.
Wow, Charlotte sure had made her see what was going on with her.
Widow’s fire, pregnancy hormones, and unresolved feelings from the past.
She was now armed with answers, and she hoped she could control herself. But did she even want to? A tiny, dangerous thrill curled low in her belly. Sure, control was comforting to her, but the idea of letting go with Axel and Nick tugged at her in ways she didn’t want to examine yet.
She sensed that time would tell.
* * * * *