Chapter 16
Aspen
The sun has set, and even though he's mere feet from me, he seems content to sit in silence and stare out the window.
I know there's no chance of returning to Damien and lying about what happened. There's no way to make this right, and I know there was probably never a solution that put me back in the house and kept Eli safe. If it wasn't going to be these men setting this into motion, then it would've been something else. Damien has grown increasingly volatile since he killed my father. I don't know if it's stress from being responsible for the entire organization, if it's more than he bargained for, if he's power hungry, or if he is genuinely just losing his shit.
Given the chance, I think Damien would save hurting Eli until he knows I can witness it, because his real issues are with me and they always have been. As much as I didn't want to marry him, I think he never liked the idea of his marriage to me being a condition of his taking over the business. He doesn't like to feel as if he's on the losing side of a negotiation, no matter how much joy he has taken in abusing and controlling me. He has to know that hurting my son would hurt much worse than any of the physical pain he's able to cause me.
"Luke," I whisper before correcting myself. "Jericho."
"I'm not Luke, and you don't get to call me Jericho," he says, not bothering to pull his gaze from the window where it has been locked for what seems like hours.
"Your name was a lie," I say, feeling a hint of the betrayal I felt years ago when he confessed that he was an undercover federal agent put in place to take my father's organization down. "What else did you lie to me about?"
Slowly, his head turns, eyes latching on to me, and I don't know that his attention with the anger in his eyes is any better than sitting here and being ignored.
"You really want to talk about lies, Peach?"
I cross my arms over my chest.
"You were dead," I snap. "I thought you were dead."
"Do you wish that I still was?"
All the wind leaves my sails. "What? No. Of course not."
Once again, he swipes his hands over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose. I know from history that it's his way of trying to organize his thoughts so he doesn't say something he'll regret. It's something I always commended him for. So many people in my father's organization had quick tempers and even shorter fuses, including Damien. Jericho was one of the few I've met who took a moment to consider what was going to come out of their mouths, and I guess him not being one of the bad guys explains it.
"Was everything between us a lie?" I ask when he remains silent.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know what to think. The man who Damien took away that evening was never this mean to me."
"I'm no longer that man."
"Clearly, " I mutter.
"Are you the same woman you were eight years ago?"
This question makes me pause because as much as I'd like to think I haven't changed, I've experienced a little too much of life and hardship to stay the same.
"I've been forged in fire," I say, doing my best to straighten my spine, although I don't feel stronger.
I'm still completely dependent on others. My life is in his hands, and the life of my son, our son , rests on his shoulders, but I can see that isn't a task he takes lightly.
"That makes two of us," he says, pulling his eyes from me once again as if he can't stand the sight of me.
I don't know if he's doing it to hurt me, but that doesn't stop the ache that it leaves behind. I just know it's going to be a permanent mark on my soul.
No matter how much his being around again makes me happy or hurts me, it doesn't matter. I'm not a lucky person. Luck has never been on my side. We got caught together when we were younger, and the only luck that stemmed from that is Damien didn't kill him. I'm eternally grateful for that, but this isn't a fairy tale. He isn't a white knight coming to my rescue. He's a man coated in scars and pain, much like I am, and I'm toxic to everything I touch. My bloodline alone severs any goodwill life may have to offer me. Penance for the sins committed around me, the things I've benefited from on the backs of others, are all I'll ever have. I can't foresee a life where I don't suffer. I accepted that a very long time ago, even before this man started working for my father. I knew that my fortune came at a cost, but I saw no way out. The only option I had, removing myself from this world, stopped being an option when I had Eli, despite knowing he would've been better off being born into literally any other family than ours.
"I won't be able to live in a world where he doesn't exist," I whisper, my voice barely audible even to my own ears.
Tears race down my face, and I hate the way they weaken me. I'm just a sobbing, emotional woman, but I can't seem to help it. I know the tears do nothing to help the issues at hand, but I've never had very good control over my own emotions except when faced with the monster Damien is.
"I think Damien has known for a while that Eli isn't his son," I confess. "He was suspicious when he was born with your green eyes, but I lied and told him that my mother's eyes were green. She was gone long before he came to work for my dad, and all evidence that she had ever existed had already been removed from the house."
He keeps his eyes cast away, but I can tell he's hanging onto every word, so I continue to speak.
"I had a nurse help me and bless her for doing so. I think we both would've been dead the second we were released from the hospital. When Eli was old enough to start school, Damien didn't waste a second shipping him off. I've always figured that my days were limited. If he knows he's not the father, then I'm no longer useful to him."
"You could give him another heir," he says. "A true heir."
"It was a complicated birth," I explain. "I can't have any more children."
"I'm sorry to hear that," he says. "Tell me more about him."
"He only comes to me now when he's feeling extra sadistic."
"Not fucking Damien Gaines, Peach. I don't give two fucks about that evil bastard. His death warrant has already been signed. Tell me about my son."
My son .
He's already claimed my boy, and I don't know how to feel about that.
I pull in a deep breath. "He's smart. Compassionate, but I don't know how long he'll be able to hold on to that trait. A person can only go through so much before the world leaves its mark on them."
"Don't I fucking know it," he mutters.
"He loves peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches," I continue. "He doesn't eat much meat, but he loves anything dairy. Plain Greek yogurt is a favorite of his."
I cough, attempting to clear my throat when I grow even more emotional, but I can't seem to dislodge the lump that is obstructing it.
I try to take a deeper breath, but it doesn't seem to help either.
My vision starts to blur from more than just the tears streaming down my face.
"Breathe, Peach. Deep breath in, slow breath out."
I didn't even realize he moved until I feel the warmth of his hands on my shoulders.
"Breathe," he urges again as my vision grows even weaker.
I begin to shake, but I hiss a sharp breath when he runs his thumb over my bottom lip. Somehow the intimate touch pulls me from the beginning of a panic attack.
I stare at him, watching his face as I manage to pull in deep breaths and release them slowly as he instructed.
"I did the best I could do with the circumstances I was given," I whisper after a long moment of looking into each other's eyes. "There hasn't been a day that has gone by since he was born that I haven't tried to figure out a way to get us both out of there."
His thumb moves from my lip, trailing down my cheek, and I feel the spark of everything I felt for him before renewed.
"Damien hasn't slipped once since I brought Eli home from the hospital. Even with his increased drinking and partying, he hasn't left papers out or mentioned where he has been keeping Eli. Every time I push the subject, he hurts me. I want you to know I'd take a million beatings just to keep him safe."
"I believe that," he says, his voice soft.
"I couldn't leave like my mother did. I'd never walk away from him. I hate that he was so close, and there was nothing I could do to get to him. If things were different—"
"Neither one of us can live in the past, Aspen."
Aspen. Not Peach.
He's already pulling away, and my mind rushes with ideas of what I can say or do to keep him close. I've never felt safer or more cared for than the moments I've been able to spend in his arms. My body and soul ache for the relief that would provide me right now.
"I've regretted every second of my life since that day. It felt like a gift I didn't deserve. Eli was the gift, a part of you, that I'd never take for granted. I knew the second Damien took you from Dad's office that you were gone. I hated myself for not being strong enough to tell him the truth. I hated myself for being too weak to join you in death the way I deserved, but then I woke up one morning and got sick. It took me several more days to get a pregnancy test, and when I saw those two lines, I knew every choice I had made was the right one. It gave me Eli after you were gone."
He pulls away, and I reach out to him, desperate for whatever connection he'll allow. He doesn't shrug me off when I clasp one of his hands between both of mine.
"I've always loved you," I confess. "Every single day, no matter what life was throwing at me, it never faded. There were a lot of days it kept me going."
"Aspen."
He doesn't say my name with the tone I'd like. He sounds frustrated and a little annoyed to have to bear witness to my confessions.
I drop my hands to my sides when he pulls away.
"Did you move on? Did you find someone else who was worthy of all the love you had to offer?"
He blinks down at me, but he doesn't speak.
I should've figured this out sooner. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like him, and after the way I betrayed him, I don't have a right to be angry about him moving on and finding someone worthy. God knows I never was enough for him.
He walks out of the room, leaving me in tears, without another word.