Chapter 3
Caitlyn
"The water's great," Casper says, his friend, who was introduced as Lark a few moments ago, nodding in agreement.
I give both men a forced smile, but there's no way I'll get into that pool with them.
I don't feel exactly unsafe here. I got the impression when I first interviewed with Pax Hart, a man the other guys here refer to as Hemlock, that I'm safe here. I was told that if there's ever a time when I don't feel comfortable, then just let him know, and he'll correct the issue.
My first sight of these men made me want to run for the hills. They're all big and scary looking, and I know could do some real damage if they wanted to. Although their work hasn't specifically been relayed to me, I get the impression that they're some sort of highly trained black ops group or definitely a governmental agency of some kind. I am working under the assumption that they're somehow good guys because I can't see bad guys worrying about a boy's mental health the way these guys do.
They also must have a ton of resources because they offered me twice my normal fee to travel to their location rather than meeting at the office where I've rented space with another group of therapists. I've been coming four times a week, and the payment after each meeting has never failed to be deposited into my account.
"Just waiting for Eli," I explain before turning away from them and adjusting the strap on my bathing suit.
I know they're here because they all live in this massive cabin, and we're working on trying to help Eli understand that he's safe in this home, regardless of how scary these guys look. We're trying to soften them some, so he's more comfortable around them.
The poor child has been through some really rough stuff, including witnessing death at such a young age. It's going to take some time for him to work through all of his traumas.
I look up when the door to the indoor pool opens, planting a smile on my face, and trying to shove away how uncomfortable I feel in the presence of people I still consider strangers with such little clothing on. Granted I'm wearing a lot more than I was at the club, but I do my best to shove those experiences out of my mind, an impossible feat when I look up to see none other than the man from the club with Nolan and Eli.
I freeze, unsure of the look on my face because my mind is racing too hard and too fast to worry about my outward appearance.
A million things run through my mind.
Did he somehow track me down?
Am I here only because he saw me at the club?
Am I in danger?
Does everyone here know what I did?
Does he work with these guys ?
My first instinct is to run, and I turn my body sideways to grab my things from the small table beside the lounger on my right. Bolting without keys to my car would be an escape attempt made in vain.
His being here doesn't make any sense. These are good guys, so why is he here?
I inwardly cringe. How judgmental of me to think that only bad guys go to sex clubs. I was at the same damn club, and I'm far from a bad person.
"I think it's not a good time," I hear Eli say, his voice low with a hint of fear.
"This is a great time," Nolan says calmly to his son. "You remember Lark and Casper, right? Hey, guys! How's the water?"
"Feels great," one of them offers.
"Eli? Is that you?" I manage, my voice sounding weak and unsure.
The only thing I can do right now is remain professional, and pray the man does the same.
"Miss Caitlyn," the little boy yells as he shuffle-walks in my direction.
I manage a smile as I crouch and wait for him to run into my arms for a hug.
"I was hoping you'd join us for a swim," I say, doing my best to sound excited. "Have you met my friends Casper and Lark?"
I feel the exact moment he notices me, and just like I did in the club, I can't seem to pull my eyes from his as I step back from Eli and stand.
He and Nolan speak, but they're too far away for me to hear what they say. I can imagine the words when Nolan looks at me as if he's just seeing me for the first time .
I want to cry, to hang my head in embarrassment. I'm certain the man just told my client's father that I was tied up in a sex club. The man looks furious as if I've somehow invaded his space. As if I'm the one with ulterior motives for being here.
The two of them stop, Nolan standing in front of the man as he speaks to him. When he turns back around, the look that was on Nolan's face is gone.
I have no other recourse than to proceed with the appointment as planned until I'm instructed otherwise.
"I was hoping after you took your shoes off, you could help me," I tell Eli.
We learned very early on in his appointments that the child feels valued when he can help others, and we've been building his confidence to speak up and offer to help when he sees a need. It has helped greatly with his speech, and he's young enough that he doesn't consider the staged encounters as manipulation. He has made great progress in such a short period of time because he has so many people in his corner willing to help.
"You need help?" he asks, and I can sense a hint of lightheartedness in his tone that wasn't there just moments ago.
"I've been trying to learn how to float on my back, and your mom mentioned that you're really good at it. Can you help me?"
His little eyes dart toward the deep end of the pool where Casper and Lark are situated against the wall before meeting mine again.
"Down there?" he asks, pointing to the shallow end, which puts us on opposite ends of the pool.
"If that's okay?" I ask, giving him the choice.
I don't want the child to ever feel pressured or forced. It runs the risk of setting him back in therapy, which I know is also part of it, but we aren't there yet.
"I can help you," he says, kicking off his little shoes and standing taller.
I do my best to ignore the other man in the room, despite being able to feel his eyes drill into my back as Eli and I take the two small steps into the pool.
I lift my eyes immediately at the sound of a loud splash.
"Did you see that?" Eli asks, his tone excited. "Jersey just did a cannonball!"
I smile down at the child for a second before the man resurfaces in the water.
"How do I float?" I ask, pulling the child's attention back to me.
"Just like this," he says, leaning back and straightening his body on the top of the water. "If you don't think about it, you float. If you think too hard, you sink."
I watch as he turns his head slightly, his little legs lowering in the water.
"Now you try," he says after struggling to get his feet back under him.
I pull in a deep breath before leaning back and floating, letting my body become one with the water for a few seconds before standing again.
"You're the best teacher," I praise, loving the wide grin it brings to his face.
"Are you teaching floating?"
I turn my eyes toward the approaching man, my hesitancy increasing, but finding myself grateful that it isn't the man Eli referred to as Jersey.
"He is the best teacher," I repeat.
Eli looks to me for assurance and seems to calm down somewhat after Casper's arrival when he sees the smile on my face.
As if he's been teaching people how to float for years, Eli steps up, gathers his bravery, and teaches the man how to float on his back .
This was planned, of course—the training as well as the other guy's involvement.
I'm grateful the man from the club keeps his distance, although I can feel his eyes on me during the entire therapy session.
I stay back, but close enough that Eli knows I'm there, and let this all play out. I'm trying to build Eli's confidence in interacting with others. His behaviors tell me that people he was supposed to trust have betrayed him numerous times. With every glance back in my direction, I come to understand that there have been times in his life when people were nice to him until they weren't.
It's as if he's waiting for these men to be mean to him. He's helping because that’s in his nature, but like an abused dog, he maintains a little distance as if he's waiting for one of them to strike out at him in some way. Such traumas are hard to overcome, but his age is on his side. Many children are able to get past the things that have caused their anxiety.
It makes me wish I had seen someone when my inability to stand people touching me began to manifest. It's possible I could’ve been a totally different person than I am today.
The session continues with Lark joining them for his own lesson.
As planned, I wait a few minutes before climbing out of the pool.
"Ms. Caitlyn?" Eli says when he notices me climbing the stairs.
"My legs are so tired," I explain. "I'm just going to sit on the lounger. Do you want to join me?"
Eli looks from me back to the guys before bravely shaking his head. "Lark is going to teach me to dive under the water."
I give him a look of shock. "That's so brave. I don't think I'm ready for that."
"I' ll let him teach me, and then I can teach you," he says helpfully.
"I can't wait," I say before grabbing my towel. "I may head home for a rest."
"I'll see you again tomorrow?" he asks, eyeing the stairs to climb out of the pool.
"You will," I promise.
As Eli returns to Lark and diving lessons, I gather my things, feeling the man's eyes on me the entire time.
He has kept his distance the entire time, and Nolan hasn’t come up to me to grill me about what he was told.
As I head to the bathroom to change, I know there's a real chance I'll get a phone call asking me not to return, but getting out of this house is my first priority.
Much to my surprise, no one is waiting outside of the bathroom for me. Despite the man no longer being in the pool, when I chance a glance in that direction upon my exit, I don't encounter him on my way to my car either.
I only feel mild relief as I back out of the parking spot and head down the mountain. There's no way I won't be having a conversation with someone about this. I wonder what the licensing board would say if someone calls in a complaint.
Can something that I do in my personal life prevent me from working with children?
Surely not. Dr. Moore would never put me in that position.
At least, I don't think she would.
Worry eats at me all the way back to my house, but my call to my therapist goes to voicemail.