Chapter 4
Charles
It wasn’t hard to figure out what was bothering Jess. She obviously didn’t expect a box of our stuff up here, and why would she? As far as I knew, she had never spent time here. Charlotte, the meddling wench, must have stashed it here when she dreamed up her plans.
When she ran, everything in my body screamed at me to chase Jess down, but I knew she had nowhere else to go, so I let her go again. I didn’t understand her. I didn’t understand what went wrong, and I didn’t understand why it was so hard for her now. So, instead, I tortured myself and tried to walk the line between pushing her and letting her figure it all out on her own.
Rather than go after Jess, I sat down with the box and looked through it. It had almost felt like an invasion of privacy, except that it was my face in those pictures, too. That was my handwriting on those letters. That was my teenage heart and soul bared clean. I had a right to this as much as she did. Instead of reading the letters, after all, I knew what was in them better than almost anything, I looked through the pictures. We were so young, and she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was still the most beautiful woman I had ever met. Inside and out. Even though trying to get close to her now was like trying to hug a cactus.
Everything was here. So many pictures, so many memories. I picked up a simple braided bracelet. I had the matching one at home. She had made them for us and I proudly wore mine all the time, despite my buddies’ ribbing. They had been jealous, and I was happy to rub in everyone’s faces that Jess was mine. I slipped the bracelet into my pocket and picked up the picture it was sitting on. It was us on the beach. I remembered it like it was yesterday.
“I love the feel of the ocean air on my face,” Jess said, right before I took this picture of her. We were on the boardwalk on Tybee Island not long after we started dating. The wind was blowing her hair behind her and her cheeks were pink from too much sun. Though with her pale skin, it didn’t take long for her to burn. “I love how it feels like freedom.” Her eyes were still closed when I snapped the picture, but the look on her face was peaceful and I wondered, not for the first time, what she could mean. Something about the way she said things and seemed to experience the world puzzled me. She was the most fascinating girl I’d ever met. We’d only been on a few dates, but I already couldn’t get enough of her.
When she opened her eyes and looked back at me, they were clear and bright and so hopeful. I reached out and grabbed her hand, quickly stuffing my phone into my pocket with my other hand. She pulled me down to the beach and we kicked off our shoes and shirts before running into the cool, clear water. When a wave pushed her over and she landed in my arms, I knew heaven for the first time in my short life. I knew then that I wanted to have her in my arms forever.
The next photo was from our senior trip to Disney World. We had been dating for months by then and had become so comfortable with each other that it was like we didn’t even need to communicate verbally sometimes. We snuck off early that morning and climbed the stairs of our hotel to the roof so we could watch a storm rolling in. I had pushed her up against the low wall of the roof and wrapped myself around her. She took the picture this time. I was kissing her cheek, but remembered desperately wanting her mouth instead.
“Charles, we can’t just make out all the time,” she insisted.
“Why not? We’re teenagers. Isn’t it what we are supposed to be doing?” My hands wandered wherever they could reach as I kissed down her neck.
“I don’t know,” she said, sounding distracted. “I just thought we should, I don’t know, do something else.”
“Do you really want to do something else?” I stopped my exploration of her and stepped back. Maybe she did need space, and I was being an ass. “Whatever you want. I just want to spend time with you.” I assured her in case she needed it.
“What if — what if you get bored with making out with me and then — then we have nothing else in common?” She was toying with a piece of her hair. She hadn’t moved closer to me, and I was suddenly sure stepping back was the right thing to do.
“Jess, first off, I don’t think I’ll ever get bored with making out with you. You make this sound when I suck on that spot behind your ear and it’s like everything in the world is right in that moment. Second off, we don’t have to have tons in common to want to spend time with each other.” I took a tentative step towards her and grabbed her hand. I didn’t want to crowd her, but I still wanted contact.
“I just — I’m scared sometimes,” she admitted. She wasn’t looking at me. Her eyes scanned the horizon, watching as the storm rolled in, but her hand gripped mine tight like she was afraid I was going to disappear.
“I will always be here for you,” I said with conviction. “All my plans have you in them. I’m not going anywhere.”
She turned towards me, her eyes were red rimmed, and she nodded her head before hugging me and tucking her head in my neck. I brought my arms around her and held her tight as the rain started. We would be soaked, standing out here in the rain, but it didn’t matter. As long as we were together, we could deal with anything else.
I’m going to get you back, Angel,I vowed as I pulled out another picture from prom.
This one was of us when I picked her up. The grand staircase of her grandma’s house curved around us and was draped with greenery and twinkle lights. I’m sure Charlotte did that just for the pictures.
Jess walked down the stairs towards me. They never used the grand stairs at the front of the house, so I hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing her in such an opulent background before. She seemed somehow more ethereal and beautiful than ever before. My palms were drenched with sweat and I clutched the corsage tighter to keep from dropping it. Her heels made a soft clicking sound with every step she took. The light from the tall window in the foyer was golden from the setting sun, and it rested on her like a caress. She looked like an angel and she was heading straight for me.
“Wow.” It was all I could say. She had pulled her hair back into something fancy, and the icy blue dress she wore dipped low in the front and hugged her body before flaring out big and puffy around her legs. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
“Do you like it?” She asked. She sounded so insecure. Did she not look in the mirror before she left her room? She stopped just a few feet from me, but I couldn’t move to close the distance. My mouth had gone dry and I couldn’t feel my legs and all I could think about was how lucky I was that she was mine.
“Yeah, I think he likes it,” Grandma Charlotte said from off to the side. My face heated, but didn’t disagree. Her words snapped me out of whatever spell Jess had put on me, and I could finally walk up to her. On the bottom step like that, we were eye level with each other. I had my last growth spurt this summer, and she always had to strain to look up at me after. I enjoyed looking her right in the eye.
“This is for you,” I said as I lifted the corsage box. “I hope you like it.” My mom helped me pick it out and picked a tie that matched her dress. She said if I didn’t, she would disown me as a son. That was good enough for me. Now everyone who saw us would know we were together. Possessiveness ran through me at that. Everyone should know she is mine.
I slipped the corsage onto her wrist and regretted that I couldn’t pin it to her dress. The temptation to caress her right now was so strong. Rather than touch her where I wanted, I ran my hands down her arm and took her hand in mine. It was a little cool and clammy and she gripped my hand tight, like she was nervous or scared. I just smiled at her and squeezed her hand back.
“It’s so beautiful,” she said as she looked at it. The flowers were white, but that’s the extent of my knowledge about flowers. “Oh! I have something for you, too.” She smiled at me and reached out to her mom, who had just come running into the room.
“Oh! I missed it. Here you go,” her mom said as she handed her a box similar to the one I had held, and she took her time pinning the flower to my lapel. Her hands moved along my chest, caressing me and moving up to my shoulders. “I can’t believe I missed it. Steve just — “
“Time for pictures!” Her grandma startled us out of our moment, and Jess took the last step down so we could pose for pictures. She had gone slightly pale at whatever her mom had been saying and I was grateful for her grandma’s intervention if it meant she didn’t have to listen to whatever her mom had to say about her dad that put that look on her face.
The music was loud and fast and we could hear it from outside the hotel ballroom where we held the prom. I pulled Jess in close to me until we moved as one as soon as we got to the dance floor. I couldn’t tell you who was around us or what song was playing, only that Jess was in my arms and that she tasted like cherry lip balm and home.
“I love you,” I said as we sat in the car outside her house after prom. It was not even close to the first time I thought it, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I didn’t want her to think I was just saying that because we had a good night.
“I love you, too.” Her smile was big and bright and so damn beautiful. Her lipstick had long been smeared away by my kisses, but her lips will still plump and red as I leaned into kiss her again. I didn’t think anything could beat this moment right now.
Two days later, the first day back to school after prom, Jess broke up with me. She never told me why and my heart broke all over again, thinking about the look on her face when she did it. Her eyes were bright and full of tears that she was trying to hold back, and despite the firm set of her shoulders, I could see that she was seconds away from breaking down. She didn’t want to break up with me anymore than I wanted us to break up, but something had pushed her to it and it hurt most that she didn’t let me in. I always knew there was a part of her she was holding back from me, but I figured she would tell me when she was ready.
I gripped the picture of us so tight that it crumpled in my hands. The fact that we even had physical pictures from this time was a miracle. I can’t remember when the last time I even printed one out. This was precious, and I was crushing it in frustration. I smoothed out the wrinkles, gently placed the photo back in the box with the rest of them, and prayed that this time I could get her to open up to me so I wouldn’t lose her again.
When she finally came back in, she didn’t speak to me beyond telling me she was sleeping on that infernal couch. I wanted to burn the thing to the ground, but let her have her space. The night was cold without her in the bed with me and I woke up determined to make sure she didn’t sleep on the couch ever again.