Chapter 20
KANE
I never thought I’d need a degree in engineering just to put together a desk.
As I flip through the instruction book again, trying to decipher exactly how part G is supposed to connect to part V with only one bolt, I can’t help wondering if this is someone’s creative version of torture.
If there’s an employee at the desk manufacturing company who’s unhappy with his job, so he intentionally makes the instructions as confusing as possible.
I can picture the guy, hunched over his computer in a little cubicle, cackling with glee as he mutters to himself, “Aha! No one will be able to figure out this one! Mission accomplished!”
It shouldn’t be this difficult. The desk should be put together by now.
I’m not some idiot who doesn’t know how to use tools or complete a project.
I used to help my dad fix stuff around the house, and after he died, I took over all the repairs so my mom wouldn’t have to deal with it.
I took geometry and pre-calc in college.
I solve crimes as a job . How can I not be able to put a stupid desk together?
With a huff of irritation, I set the instructions aside and scan the arrangement of screws and bolts set out across the floor.
Then I look at the wooden pieces of deconstructed desk beside them.
The cardboard box everything came in leans against the wall, taunting me with the image of a sleek desk with shelves and a neat keyboard drawer that looks nothing like the mess I have in front of me.
I could call Grant. He’d be happy to help. And being a contractor, I’m sure he could figure this out easily.
But I want to put it together. This is my project, after all, and it won’t mean as much if I ask someone else to do it for me. Especially when it’s something I’m doing especially for Jess—turning the third bedroom into her own office slash game room.
I’ve been at it for two weeks now, trying to sneak in time whenever Jess is sleeping.
The idea came to me the day after she agreed to move in with me; as I tried to think of all the ways I could make my house feel more like ours .
And creating a special space that was all her own so she could play her game, chat with her friend, Hazel, or work on journaling like her counselor suggested… It seemed like the perfect idea.
So I jumped online and started ordering everything I could think of. A fancy desk designed for gamers. Floor to ceiling bookshelves. A cozy couch for her to relax on. Special blinds that she can switch from blackout to sheer, depending on her mood .
And lots of blue, of course. A lush carpet in deep cobalt, thick enough for her feet to sink into. An accent wall painted in a pale sky blue. Framed abstract prints in a rainbow of blues. The softest cornflower throw draped across the back of the couch.
I know Jess doesn’t love surprises, but I think this will be the exception.
At least, I hope it is.
The desk is the last piece, so I’m eager to get it finished. I thought I’d be able to knock it out in an hour or two, take another hour to do the finishing touches, and be ready for the big reveal by the time she gets home.
Thought is the operative word.
But it’s nearly two and Jess should be wrapping up her coffee date with Nora right around now, which means the reveal isn’t going to happen today.
It’s not a big deal, in the scheme of things. But being so close, and with these stupid desk pieces just sitting here, mocking me…
On the plus side, at least my frustration with the desk has kept me from worrying about Jess the entire time she’s been gone. Instead, I’ve only been worrying about her about eighty percent of the time.
When she told me she was going to meet Nora today, I wanted to ask her to wait.
Reason with her. Remind her that it’s only been fifteen days since her concussion, and she still gets mild headaches when the light is too bright.
That Nora could come here instead. Convince her to stay home so we could spend my day off together.
But I know she wants things to get back to normal. After taking two weeks off work, she’s been itching to get back, which makes me feel nauseous to even think about. Back to the place she was abducted from? Back to the place where she received that awful package?
And the worst part of it, not being at home where I know she’s safe.
Even though I had to go back to work three days after Jess’s abduction, I didn’t have to worry about her safety.
Too much, at least. Not with all my friends offering to come over to stay with her while I was gone.
They set up a rotation—Grant, Ian, Leo, and Nora—so Jess was never alone at the house.
It wasn’t as good as being with her myself, but I knew she’d be well protected.
Knowing she’s with Nora is the only thing keeping me from driving over to Sleepless Nights to watch over her, which I know is hugely overprotective but I’m not sure I could help it.
Not after those horrible hours when I didn’t know if Jess was alive.
Not when I can’t erase the memory of finding her in that pit of water, bruised and bleeding and minutes from death.
Fuck.
Those people who claim time heals all wounds don’t know what they’re talking about.
Logically, I know it’ll get easier. But I’ll never forget. And the scar left behind from that terrible day will never disappear.
It’s like I explained to my mom when she came to visit a few days after Jess’s abduction, as we talked quietly in the kitchen while Jess napped in the bedroom.
“I know you think I’m too protective,” I told her, “and maybe I am. But knowing how close I came to losing Jess… it’s impossible not to be. ”
“I know,” she replied, and gave me a big hug. “I give you a hard time about it, Kane, but I wouldn’t change you for a second. You do it because you care. And that’s never a bad thing.”
She loves Jess, of course. As if anyone couldn’t.
Just before my mom left, she pulled me aside and placed her engagement ring in my hand.
“It’s okay if you want to buy your own,” she said quietly, “but if you want to propose with the ring your dad gave me, I’d love to see it on her.
Knowing the love I had with your dad carries on to the love you have for Jess. ”
I hadn’t told her about proposing. I haven’t told anyone yet. But my mom just knew.
I won’t do it yet, not when Jess is still dealing with the repercussions of what that asshole neighbor of hers did. Adam fucking Dixon, a sadistic serial killer who took the lives of at least six women and nearly killed my Jess.
If he was still alive, I’d kill him myself. But at least I know he’s dead. I looked at his body just to be sure.
Shit. Whenever I think about what Jess went through and the courage she showed… It’s almost too much to take. I asked Oliver about it one day while we were on patrol, wondering how he moved past all the things that happened to Shea.
“It was hard,” he told me solemnly, “and I don’t know that I’ll ever be completely over it.
But knowing the man responsible for hurting Shea is dead helps.
So does knowing I’m taking all the precautions I can to keep her safe.
And I work at it for our sake. So the guilt and regret don’t overshadow our relationship. ”
I’m trying to do the same, which is why I agreed to meet with Jess’s counselor, too. Because if there’s anything I can do to make our relationship stronger, I’ll do it .
My phone buzzes, pulling me from my wandering thoughts. I reach across the collection of at least a hundred desk parts to snatch it up, expecting to see Jess’s name splashed across the screen.
And it is, along with her message.
Nora and I had a nice time. Everything was fine! We’re just about to pay the bill. I think I’m going to stop at the cemetery on the way home. Visit with my mom for a few minutes. It’s been a while and I want to tell her all about you.
Relief mixes with a bittersweet pang.
I’m glad she had a good time with her friend and made it through coffee without any problems. And that she’s going to be home soon.
But I’m sad that I’ll never be able to meet Jess’s mom. I wish I could tell her what an incredible daughter she raised. Reassure her that I’ll spend my life protecting Jess and doing everything in my power to make her happy.
Pushing the somber thoughts to the side, I quickly send my reply.
Ok. Drive safe. See you soon. Love you.
Yes, I know she’s only driving through town, but still. Accidents happen.
A few seconds later, my phone buzzes again.
I’ll tell my mom you said hi. Maybe next time you can come, too. Love you.
I stare at her message for at least a full minute, debating.
Obviously, I’m not finishing the office today. I could just hang out here while I wait for Jess to get home. Do a little cleaning. Figure out what to make for dinner.
Or I could go to the cemetery to meet her. I haven’t been to her mom’s grave yet, though I’ve been thinking about it. Jess might appreciate the support. And she just said she wants me to come.
Screw around the house or support my girlfriend while she talks to her mom? Is there even a question?
Hopping up, I give the frustrating desk pieces a final glare before turning my back on them. Then I hurry out of the room and give the door a firm shut.
It only takes me a few minutes to get on the road, and it’ll take me about five minutes to get to the cemetery just outside town, which should have me getting there right around when Jess does. Maybe I’ll swing by the florist to pick up some flowers; give Jess a few minutes alone with her mom.
Yes. Flowers would be good. And I remember Jess saying that blue was her mom’s favorite color, too.