Chapter 45
JASE
I run for hours. I run so long, it’s twilight by the time I get back to Tyson’s cabin where I find Bailey sitting on the porch.
She’s changed into jeans and a frilly green shirt. She’s wearing heeled shoes and she put curls in her hair. Again, she’s wearing that glossy red lipstick that sends sharp pains through my groin. She fidgets nervously as I approach and grab my jeans from the chair beside her.
“Hey?” I greet questioningly, as I pull them on, trying to downplay the painful wince of stuffing myself into denim confinement. “Everything all right?”
I give her my back to finish dealing, carefully, with the zipper.
“Not particularly,” she answers.
I turn to face her. She’s looking at her feet.
I wait for her to elaborate.
When she doesn’t, instead looking like she’s trying to work up the nerve to say something to me, I open the door.
“Wanna come in?”
Her stepping in reminds me it’s time for me to take another one of those pills. I took one this morning before I left to find her.
Having her here, I don’t need to test my stretched willpower, so I grab the pills from on top of the fridge, take one, and wash it down with a beer.
“You want a drink?” I ask. “I’ve got water, beer, and… that’s pretty much it.”
She shakes her head. “Can we talk?”
I gesture toward the couch.
She sits. I sit on the arm of the chair instead of beside her, giving this pill a chance to work because fuck, she smells delicious.
“You look beautiful, Bay. You forget to put that scent mask on?”
She says, “I didn’t put the scent mask on, Jason.”
And it comes out with annoyance.
“Okay…” I say, letting it hang because obviously she has more to say.
More to say from those juicy, red lips.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Actually, that’s not a fair question because I know you’re not okay.
I don’t know if it’s mostly this Sherry thing, or the me thing, or it’s probably both, but we didn’t really get to talk about last night and that’s obviously because of Sherry getting hurt, but we never finished the conversation and you said we would and so I took the day off and then you just left me at your house and it’s like…
six hours later and you’re… it’s like you’re not here with me right now, even.
Do you need more time alone? Should I go? ”
I give my head a shake. That was a mouthful.
She waits for me to reply for a minute, and when I don’t, she looks hurt. And I feel like garbage.
I blow out a long breath and drink more of my beer.
She sighs and gets to her feet. “I guess I’ll give you space. I’m sorry to bother you.”
“Sit.”
She sits.
“I don’t want you to go,” I tell her.
She watches me for a minute before she says, “I…know I haven’t made any of this easy on you. This thing with us… it’s been the most emotional period of my whole life. I’m still not okay.”
“I know,” I tell her.
She moistens her lips, which fucks with me in a big way, so I look away, hearing her pull in a big breath before she says, “I also know how hard you’ve been trying.”
My eyes move back to her.
She says, “I was worried you were getting revenge on me for making you wait because maybe I deserve to wait, too. But then you tell me we’ll talk and we’re not talking, but it could be because of Sherry or maybe I wouldn’t talk when you wanted to talk so maybe I’m getting a taste of my own medicine, though if we’re keeping score, I wanted to talk before we left for Italy and you wouldn’t talk to me.
Though, maybe that shouldn’t count.” She shakes her head.
“I’m sorry that what’s going on with us is affecting your pack connection, too. ”
“You’re babbling,” I point out. Because she’s making my head spin.
She pulls in a big breath and lets it out quickly, not hiding irritation when she replies with, “Maybe because you’re not saying anything.”
“That’s fair.”
“Right now, I feel like you’re pulling away and like if I don’t say the right thing, we’ll be farther apart and that’s not what I want.”
“What do you want, Bailey?” I ask plainly.
“I… I don’t know if I can tell you,” she replies, not looking at me, but then abruptly jumps like something’s frightened her. She looks around and blows out an exasperated sigh.
She’s hearing things again.
And I’m a hundred per cent sure that Bailey is malfunctioning because we haven’t mated yet.
I was worried about me because of what happened with Riley, but I’m not the one trying to deny the mate bond.
She is. Though I denied her last night and maybe that’s why I couldn’t feel Joel’s panic this morning.
“I don’t want to guess and make the wrong move,” I say. “I don’t want to keep hurting you like I was hurting you and wind up with you doing something stupid like my fucking sister did.”
She jolts in surprise.
And now I feel sick to my stomach.
Because the sensation I’ve carried around all day wasn’t something I could name, but here it comes, an onslaught of frustration.
“You weren’t you from Rome until now. You’re not the Bailey I used to know.
I fucked up so badly that you’re not the same person anymore.
And last night you’re throwing yourself at me and fuck did I want to take what you were offering.
But what sort of jackhole would that have made me?
Then you’re hurt that I didn’t claim you and I don’t know how to make it any plainer, Bailey.
I want you happy. I don’t want you dreading being with me.
I don’t want this thing with us to drive you away or drive you to do something stupid like Sher.
It’s been at me all day.” I stab at my temple with my index finger.
“How strong she used to seem and how broken she was over what happened with that fucker. I don’t want to cause you that sort of pain. ”
“You hurt me. You hurt me badly,” she chokes out with so much pain in her eyes that I drop to my knees. “And I know you’re sorry. I know it, Jase. But I don’t know how to not feel like this anymore.”
"Bay, listen... I have no frame of reference for relationships from personal experience, but I watched my parents, which… I always figured they were bitter, bickering all the time and that they weren’t all that happy together.
Come to find out that’s just their way. You and me have always had a way about us that I liked, too.
No, I never looked at you like a romantic interest because I couldn’t. ”
“You’ve said that already.”
“Bottom line, I never looked at you the way I do now. But we’ve been friends.
We’ve always had banter. I tease you and you blush.
You follow me around and act like I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
And I didn’t know how much I loved that until it was over.
You always looked at me like I could do anything.
And I started to worry about how it’d affect you when I mated.
I never saw you dating. I tried to nudge you away for your own good.
But you were so relentless and stubborn that I had to spell it out. ”
“My stubborn brain is my best gift and my worst flaw at the same time,” she says, staring at the ceiling. “I’ve been so stubborn despite being offered everything I ever wanted on a silver platter. Because I wanted it my way. I wanted you to wake up one day and be in love with me.”
“I am in love with you,” I tell her.
She blinks a couple times and gives her head a shake.
I explain. “Yeah, I wanted you once I knew.
I definitely felt entitled to have you. I got arrogant and cocky about it, but also…
I had severe biological reactions to being kept from you both in that bubble and then again with that no-touching spell.
But watching you since we got back, reflecting on all I know about you, I'm done for. I see you through new eyes. And baby... I’m so fucking sorry for-"
She throws a hand up angrily. “No. Stop.”
I jolt in surprise.
Now her eyes are full of fury.
“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, Jason!
” she snaps. “And I’m fucking it up because I had unrealistic expectations.
Yes, logically, you’d think I would’ve been ecstatic the minute I got the news.
Me of all people. I know how the mate bond works and I’ve always known how important that scent connection is.
That whole… primal sense and gut instinct a shifter has.
How your animal guides you and protects you using the senses.
I knew. Or… I thought I did. But until you’re in it… ”
“Yeah, it’s a whole different ballgame,” I say.
“But just before we were abducted, I was trying to convince myself I was over you. And if you act like a jerk, I’m going to call you out on it.
I won’t be treated badly by anyone. I’ve put up with too much of that and I’m done.
I decided it and I really meant it. And then when everything happened, I got angrier and dug my heels in. ”
“And you got results. You got a law changed. You got my head out of my ass.”
“Well… it might not be the last time I get stubborn about something. Fair warning.”
I smile and my chest feels lighter suddenly.
I say, “I don’t know how to be in a relationship, but I’m ready to learn.”
“I don’t know how either. I guess we could try to figure it out?”
“Don’t look so scared. Am I doing that bad so far?”
“No,” she whispers, bottom lip trembling. “I’m the one that’s doing bad. Terrible, actually.”
“How about I grovel some more, then you forgive me and we decide on a clean slate?”
“No,” she says, shaking her head vigorously.
“No to what part?”
“No more groveling, Jase.”
“But I am sorry.”
“Shut up. Don't. I don't need that from you. I already know, it is so, so worth it.”
Joy bubbles up in me. “You’re not gonna let me grovel a bit more?”
“You’ve done enough of that.”
“You’ve had a lot of supporters putting me through this agony, woman. Fuckin’ everyone wants me groveling. My own ma wants me on my knees kissing your feet.”