Jilted

Chapter 17

ERIC

When I woke up, I was immediately aware of two things.

One, my body ached all over. Some from yesterday’s ride. Some from fooling around with Jesse.

The second thing? The warmth of Jesse lying beside me. He was still asleep, his back to me as he breathed slowly and softly with a few inches of space between us.

I closed my eyes and smiled. This was one of my favorite parts of being with someone—sleeping next to them.

Even if they snored like that one ex or stole the covers like another, there was something intimate and comforting about sharing a bed.

Over the past few weeks, I’d missed that more than I’d realized.

I rolled toward him and draped an arm across his waist. When that didn’t seem to bother him, I slid closer, molding myself to him.

Jesse murmured in his sleep and stirred a little, pressing back against me.

His hand found mine, and he laced our fingers together. A moment later, he was out cold again.

I kissed the back of his shoulder and just basked in being this close to someone again. In being this close to him specifically.

As I listened to him breathe, yesterday afternoon and last night played out in my mind, and goose bumps sprang up on my back and shoulders. We’d only been able to do so much, but wow, it had been hot.

And if I’d had any doubts that Jesse meant what he said about how much our size difference didn’t matter, those doubts were gone now.

Both times he’d gone down on me, he’d done with the kind of relish I hadn’t experienced in years.

Some people gave oral like it was a chore or a step toward something they really wanted.

Jesse gave head like it was the single hottest thing in the world, and he didn’t act like he was disappointed in the least by what I had on offer.

Maybe instead of listening to Selena and society, I should listen to the man who’d sounded on the verge of blowing his load while my dick was down his throat.

I smiled to myself. My only disappointment was that we hadn’t been able to fuck.

I didn’t need it every single time, and especially with anal, it wasn’t going to happen every single time.

That was fine. I just really, really wanted Jesse like that.

I wanted to top him again. I wanted him to top me.

God, I wanted to do everything with him.

When we were both less sore from yesterday’s trail ride, it was on. I couldn’t wait.

Despite my blissed-out mood, though, uneasiness crept in. I tried to ignore it. Tried to tamp it down. Tried to talk myself out of it.

But the more I fought it, the more it shoved its way to the forefront of my mind.

Am I actually ready for this?

What was “this,” anyway? Just sex? Or something more? Because yesterday didn’t feel like a hookup. Holding him close while he slept right now didn’t feel like the morning after a hookup.

Fuck. We were friends—becoming really good friends—and nothing about this felt like two guys just screwing because they were horny. It felt like…

Well, like something that had potential to be more than sex.

I wasn’t ready for that. A casual hookup with someone I’d met on an app, maybe.

Jesse and I hadn’t broached the subject of what we were doing—whether this was just friends with benefits or had potential for more—but we were friends.

In my experience, friends with benefits worked when it leaned harder on the benefits than the friendship.

Casual sex with a close friend—that had ended in disaster a few times, usually because emotions got messy.

I didn’t want that with Jesse.

It had only been a few weeks since I’d found out about Selena’s infidelity.

I was literally supposed to be on my honeymoon right now.

The wound didn’t feel as raw as it should have, but that was probably because I was still, on some level, processing everything.

The real pain—the real grief—was undoubtedly on its way.

I liked Jesse. I was hot for him. I believed he liked me and was hot for me, too. Those would be true even if we’d met without ever crossing paths with Selena.

But both of our breakups had been sudden, painful, and recent. I didn’t want to use Jesse to get over Selena. He deserved better than that, and so did I.

Which meant…

Goddammit.

With a sigh, I gently released his hand and rolled away. Then I got up and shuffled out of the room, both to take a leak and to get a moment alone to clear my thoughts.

In the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror.

I was a mess. I was still coming to terms with how things had gone down with my ex. I was still picking up the pieces after having to cancel my damned wedding at the last minute.

Am I even remotely ready for whatever is going on with Jesse?

My shoulders sagged and I pushed out a breath.

No, I wasn’t ready for that. I was a trainwreck thanks to Selena, and Jesse was probably still grappling with that aftermath too.

Which meant we were courting disaster if we kept doing whatever the hell it was we’d started last night.

Dating, friends with benefits—whatever it was, this wasn’t the right time for it.

No matter how much I wanted to. No matter how good the sex was, or—more to the point—how good the man was. It blew my damned mind how Selena had mistreated him. How did someone get someone that amazing and treat him like garbage?

I blew out a breath.

He’s that amazing, and you want to stop this thing?

No, I didn’t. Not in the least. I just couldn’t convince myself it was a good idea or that I wouldn’t be leading him on somehow.

I held my own gaze a moment longer.

I really am a mess, aren’t I?

I needed to think. Really think. Ideally before Jesse woke up and I said something I couldn’t take back.

So, I slipped back into the bedroom where he was sleeping, pulled on a pair of sweats, and went downstairs for some coffee. Maybe the caffeine would bring clarity, and I could talk myself out of ending this thing with Jesse.

The caffeine did help me wake up, and that did bring me some clarity.

Unfortunately, that just cemented the realization I’d already had.

With my brain running on all eight cylinders, it was harder to convince myself last night had been a good idea.

Or, well, that continuing it this morning was a good idea.

Last night was exactly what the doctor had ordered.

It was fun and sexy and perfect, even if it was a bad idea.

It was this part that sucked.

The fact that I felt worse now than I had before we’d hooked up said it all. I didn’t want to regret last night, but the queasy knot in my stomach and the “what the fuck are we doing?” bouncing around in my skull said I did regret it.

We shouldn’t do this. We can’t do this.

No matter how much I want to do this.

Why is letting go of you harder than letting go of Selena?

That thought was a bucket of cold water, and the answer was easy, too. Letting go of Selena had hurt because of all the reasons I’d been breaking things off. She’d cheated on me and lied to me—that was what hurt.

Jesse hadn’t done a damn thing wrong and neither had I. We just weren’t in a good place to continue what we’d been doing. Or at least I wasn’t.

The floor creaked overhead, and I closed my eyes as I swallowed hard. I listened to him moving around, my pulse ticking up as I waited for him to start down the stairs. Was I ready for this? Was I really going to do it? Was I sure we couldn’t find some way to make this work?

He came down, and I turned right as he cleared the bottom step.

One look at his bare torso had me walking back my decision.

One look at his face, though—his sweet, sleepy smile—cemented that decision. He wasn’t just a hot piece of ass who I wanted to fool around with. He was Jesse, and I owed him honesty.

As he poured himself some coffee, he studied me. “Everything okay?”

“I, uh…”

His face fell, and there was a mix of panic and disappointment in his eyes. As if he were internally freaking out, wondering if he’d done something wrong, and he also knew last night would be the last night.

Well, at least his panic kept me from beating around the bush; I didn’t want to broach this subject, but I also didn’t want him to keep wondering what I wasn’t telling him. So, I cut right to the chase.

“Look, last night…” I swallowed hard and made myself look at him. “I, uh… I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”

A fresh flurry of emotions crossed his face. Alarm. Hurt. Disappointment. Frustration. Voice soft, he asked, “Sleeping together, you mean?”

“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong—I want to. Last night was…” I whistled, shaking my head. “It was amazing. But I…” With a heavy sigh, I raked my hand through my hair. “I’m a mess, Jesse. After Selena. I don’t even know which way is up. I...”

“I get it,” he whispered.

I met his eyes again. “You do?”

“Well, yeah.” He half-shrugged. “I’m not thrilled, and I want to keep doing this, but… I get it. I’ve been going through hell because of her too.”

“You have,” I agreed. “And it fucking sucks.”

He gave a bitter, almost soundless laugh. “It definitely fucking sucks.”

I nodded. “And… I’m not saying no forever. Maybe we’ll get there. I just…” I blew out a breath as I rubbed my stiffening neck. “I’m so fucking confused right now.”

“I know. I am too.” Jesse rolled his shoulders. “We’re both in a shitty spot right now. The same shitty spot. Maybe it isn’t a good idea to make that more complicated.”

The words “how does something that feels so good complicate things?” wanted to jump out of my mouth, but I bit them back. Yes, everything I’d done with him felt good. It felt fucking incredible.

It would complicate things, though. That, and Jesse deserved someone who wasn’t such a goddamned mess.

As much as I wanted to tell myself I was over Selena—good riddance to bad rubbish and all that—I wasn’t.

There was a lot of history to sift through and a lot of grief and anger to get past. And Jesse had plenty of his own history, grief, and anger to deal with.

Even if hooking up or dating or whatever felt good in the now, we were both on the rebound.

It would blow up in our faces sooner or later.

“Let’s keep things simple,” I said. “Maybe down the line, after we’ve both had some time...”

He nodded. “Good idea.” He paused. “What, um… What do we do now, though?” He gestured at our surroundings.

That was a good question. We still had quite a bit of time left here in Moosehead Lake, and we were still living together back in Pittsburgh.

I swept my tongue across my lips. “I guess… just go back to the way things were? Just be friends and roommates?”

Something flickered across his face so fast I couldn’t read it. A subtle wince? A faint grimace? As if my suggestion stung? Hell, maybe it did. It stung me, too.

He exhaled, though, and he nodded again. “Okay. Let’s just do that, then. We’ll see how things shake out down the line.”

Why was I so disappointed that he was agreeing to this? Why was there some part of me screaming for him to push back and fight and talk sense into me?

Because I was stupid, that was why. This sucked, but it was the right thing to do. We weren’t ready for anything beyond friendship. Not yet.

I cleared my throat. “Okay. Okay, good. So, uh… now that we’re on the same page…” I gestured toward the kitchen. “Should we eat breakfast and go find something to do?”

Jesse smiled, though his eyes were still sad. “Yeah. Wasn’t there a sign back in Greenville for kayak rentals?”

“I think so, yeah. You want to hit the lake?”

“Why not?” He shrugged, some more enthusiasm slipping into his expression. “I haven’t been kayaking in years.”

“Sounds good to me.”

As best we could, we shifted back to the dynamic we’d had when we’d arrived in Maine. We hung out. We talked. We explored the various sights and activities the area had to offer. We cooked and ate and smoked together.

We just did it all at a distance. The exact same distance we’d kept since the day I’d moved into his condo.

Well, maybe that wasn’t right. That distance didn’t feel the same as before, though.

Now that we’d slept together again, the platonic arm’s length between us felt like a canyon.

It felt like miles of space that didn’t belong there.

The attraction was stronger than ever, and fighting it felt about as natural as fighting the urge to breathe.

But I kept fighting it because I didn’t want to use him to get over Selena. The only thing I wanted more than him as a lover was him as a friend, and I was afraid to lose that.

So… I stuck to my guns, and we stayed platonic.

The day we agreed to cool it, we went kayaking.

We hiked the next day. Cooked together that evening.

Chilled on the deck with some weed and conversation.

We batted around the idea of revisiting the farm and going for another trail ride.

After all, getting back in the saddle had made us both remember how much we’d enjoyed riding.

Through it all, if I squinted hard enough, we were almost as relaxed and comfortable as we’d been before we’d tumbled into bed.

Almost.

I didn’t miss the way his eyes would sometimes meet mine before darting away. Or the faintest hints of sadness or hurt when he didn’t think I was looking.

Lying alone in the same bed where we’d slept the other night, I knew I’d made a mistake. I just didn’t know if that mistake was finding out what it was like to sleep with Jesse, or putting a stop to it.

“Fuck,” I whispered into the stillness. I rubbed my eyes and sighed, knowing I was in for a long night of tossing, turning, and thinking. I was pretty sure that no matter how much I rolled everything around in my head between now and sunrise, I wouldn’t be any closer to a conclusion when I woke up.

No, I wasn’t ready for something post-Selena.

But I wasn’t so sure I was ready to lose Jesse either.

And how would I even know when I was ready to move on from her with him or anyone else?

Jesus Christ. What the hell am I supposed to do now?