The Family
JO?O
T he aroma of charcoal and sizzling meat wafted around Jardel’s backyard, the white plumes emanating from his grill an invitation to relax and enjoy the warm Sunday in the company of my siblings.
Relaxation eluded me; memories of Gisele at the munch flooded my peace, robbing me of any calm.
When I saw her arrive, every atom in my body demanded proximity to her, but her presence in Old Man Joe’s bar explained her short texts and busy brushoffs.
She had probably worked her way to letting me down gently.
A man knew when to take a step back, but fuck, I wasn’t ready to give up on what it could be between us.
“What’s up with you, o irm?o mais velho?
” Sal said in her accented Portuguese, sitting next to me on one of the lounge chaises.
She’d taken to calling me her eldest brother after she retired calling me Master Q.
That shit ain’t sit right with me, having my little sister call me by my kink honorific—no matter if her friends knew me by that name before she ever knew she was my sister.
So I accepted the eldest brother’s nickname with equanimity.
“Nothing much, irm?zinha. And you? You good? How’s the new video game coming along?”
“A mess. A whole mess. I can’t get this part to flow the way I want it to; it’s so frustrating,” Sal said about the newest video game she was designing.
Her husband Devon approached us, sitting next to her.
Their road to each other had been a fucked-up one because of our dead father, may he rot in hell.
What started from strife blossomed into a tight union, with Sal and Devon developing a shorthand where they both enhanced each other’s strengths and soothed their weaknesses.
It was the type of union I aspired to, even though I hadn’t actively searched for it until Gisele.
“Don’t listen to nothin the likkle Empress says.
Video game’s straight fiyah.” Devon laid his arm around Sal’s shoulder, then buried his face in her afro puff.
I nodded, satisfied my sister was well taken care of.
Devon and I hadn’t had the best of introductions, but trust had built in the past year of knowing each other.
The feeling of well-being fizzled quickly, leaving the same emptiness that plagued me incessantly.
“Jo?o, Jo?o.” Sal pulled me away from my musings.
Devon had wandered away toward the grill where Jardel, Joaquim, and Jonathon were chatting.
Both Jardel and Joaquim were having a good day; lately, since our father’s death, both had had some tough days.
Even though none of us had been close to Julio Jo?o Souza anymore, my younger siblings had said goodbye to any possibility of a reconciliation with the man who raised us.
On the other side of the backyard, Solange and Nevaeh set up the table for our dinner, and again, a sense of completion, of work well done, flashed through me, chased by numbness.
“Hey, you know, we’re a little worried…” Sal started.
“Little sis, it ain’t anyone’s job to worry about me,” I reminded her. Sal’s scoff didn’t surprise me. None of us were known for letting things lie without having words.
“What do you mean it’s no one’s job to worry about you?
That is ridiculous. You got all of us, and we do worry regardless of what delusions you’re under,” Sal said.
In the corner of my eye, I could see Jardel and Joaquim watching and Joaquim moving toward us.
Jardel stopped him, and Joaquim shrugged him off and nodded.
“I told you she was gonna do her bull in a china shop act,” Joaquim said loud enough for Sal to flash him her middle finger.
“I’m fine. The woman I was seeing…it won’t work out.” Better to shut this down than have them fretting over me.
Everyone quieted until Jonathon’s playlist was the only sound in the backyard. It’s like the insects and animals all stopped too.
“Who do I have to hack?” Sal hissed.
“Empress,” Devon said calmly. Better him than me. Sal had the best intentions, but my hackles raised when I imagined her trying to come for Gisele.
“It’s not her.” I shook my head.
“Oh, Jo?o, what happened?” Nevaeh asked. She’d gotten comfortable around us, the last addition to our family, all of them settling in lounge chaises while Jardel stayed by the grill, all his attention on us.
“Nothing happened. Things sometimes ain’t meant to be. But for some of you, you might see her around at the club; she wants to explore her kinks,” I said, knowing Joaquim would recognize her.
“Is this about your weird rule?” Sal asked, arms folded. Devon stood next to her, his palm holding her neck, giving her a gentle squeeze.
“We all know too much about each other,” I grumbled.
“Oh, I have to…mmm. I’ll be right back.” Nevaeh’s hand held her chest as she shot a look at Jonathon.
“Say less, Heaven, after you.” Jonathon gestured toward the French doors to Jardel’s living room. She hurried inside the house and Jonathon winked at Joaquim, swaggering behind Nevaeh at a leisurely pace.
“What was that about?” Sal asked around.
“Girl, you don’t want to know.” Solange, Jardel’s fiancée chuckled; she’d grown close to Nevaeh since Nevaeh had started dating Jonathon and Joaquim.
“Mind your business, irma,” Joaquim ordered, his attention now split between us and what was happening inside the room.
I had a good idea of what it was based on the number of times Nevaeh had disappeared, followed by one of her boyfriends whenever we all hung out for more than a couple of hours together.
“When have I ever done that with the three of you? Other people, yes, but the three of you…nah,” Sal said.
“You know him; he doesn’t mix his business,” Jardel said from the grill, pulling different meats off the heat. “Let’s go to the table.”
“So because she wants to explore her kink, you’re dropping her. I should hack you , but I already did, so I’ll have to think of something else,” Sal said, making her way to the table.
Experience assured me if I stayed quiet, they’d get the message.
Soon.
“Jo?o, with all due respect, we all…well, we all have found ways to mix both successfully. It is something that can be done. Many people do it in your club. I don’t want to be in your business; I just wanted to point that out,” Solange added her two cents.
She was right. Many people managed it. I wasn’t many people.
My upbringing, what I watched my father do, how he managed his relationships…
I understood enough of trauma to know this was a weak spot for me.
Domination and romance did not mix for me .
But bringing up the reasons why to my siblings and their significant others didn’t feel comfortable at all.
We had all learned to communicate much better since Sal came into our lives, but this…
My muscles tensed, remembering my father’s manipulative ways.
We sat down and everyone’s gaze settled on me, awaiting an answer, but Joaquim…
had a pensive stare, different from everyone else.
“Let’s cut it. If Jo?o says it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out,” Joaquim said with a finality that made even Sal stay quiet…for a few seconds.
“But—” she started.
“Wifey…” Devon said without looking up from his plate.
“Fine.” Sal breathed out and left it alone.
Numbness took over once more and I sat there, surrounded by love but untethered from it.