Chapter 5
5
J obe opened his apartment door at the knocking, knowing before he did who would be outside. Vinny, Gabe, and Tony all stood in the hall. He threw open the door, wordlessly inviting them in. How many times over the years have we done this? Shutting the door behind him, he watched as they settled onto his oversized sofas. He also noticed Tony eyeing the whiskey bottle on the coffee table.
Walking over, he sat down in one of the chairs facing the sofa and nodded toward the bottle. “In answer to the question on your mind, no, I haven’t been drinking. But yes, I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Fair enough,” Tony replied, leaning back in his seat.
The silence blanketed the room, each man holding on to their own thoughts. Finally, Vinny was the one to break the ice.
“So what’s the deal? You gonna be okay with this assignment? ‘Cause if you’re not, I’ve told Tony that I’ll take it.”
Shaking his head, he said, “No, I’ve got it. There’s no need to worry about me.”
“You had to be stunned, man. I didn’t know who she was until I saw your face. Then her name hit me about the same time it hit everyone else.”
Gabe admitted, “I’m sorry. When Jennifer kept talking about someone named Mac, I just thought we were meeting some guy. I mean, I can’t swear that the name Mackenna would have registered with me, but at least we would have been a little more prepared.”
Tony, having sat quietly watching Jobe, finally said, “You want to tell us what you’re thinking?”
Jobe snorted as he answered. “I’ve been thinking of her since I left the center. I have no idea what place I can carve out in her world, but I’d like to try. If she’ll let me, that is.”
“But?” Vinny prompted.
“But there’s a lot for her to have to forgive for us to even be acquaintances, much less friends,” Jobe replied. “And I don’t have a clue how to go about trying to get her to forgive me.”
“Hell man, every one of us has come to you for advice about our women and now you’re the one who should have the answers,” Vinny exclaimed.
“So what do you think I should do?” Jobe asked, looking at his closest friends.
“I think she deserves the truth,” Gabe answered, as the others agreed.
“The truth? I should tell her that after what I saw, I lost it? That I’ve been successfully dealing with PTSD, but at the time I was so overwhelmed that the idea of being with anyone was horrifying to me?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what you should tell her. The honest to God truth,” Tony stated firmly.
Jobe sighed as he leaned back in his seat. The silence once again filled the room. “It sounds so fucking pathetic now. Over there, the idea of maintaining a relationship was overwhelming. Monumental. Unattainable. Now, looking back? Jesus, I took the pussy way out!”
Tony leaned forward, holding Jobe’s gaze. “You did what you had to back then to survive. We all did in our own ways. There was no right or wrong. We just did what we had to do to keep going in any way we could. That’s what you need to tell her. That’s the conversation you need to have.”
Jobe nodded slowly, sucking in a huge breath. “I know. Even if she never forgives me, she deserves to know that. I owe her that.”
“Now, I gotta know if this is going to be a problem on the job. I think you’re the best man for taking care of her security, along with Gabe. But just because this is a pro bono case, Mackenna is still my client and I gotta know that a professional job can be done.”
Jobe wanted to be insulted that Tony even had to ask, but his Captain would demand nothing but the utmost best from everyone. Looking him in the eye, he nodded. “I’ve got this, sir. You’ll get nothing but the best from me.”
Tony grinned as he stood and said, “Just what I expected.” As he walked to the door, Gabe and Vinny both nodded to Jobe before leaving.
Gabe admitted, “Listen, I told Jennifer what I knew but told her that the story is yours to tell Mackenna if and when you choose. She understands that because that’s what I finally did with some of my experiences.”
Vinny agreed, “Same here. It took a while for me to unload some of that shit off on Annalissa, but she gets it now. Just remember—you need us, we’re here.”
With that, the three friends left leaving Jobe alone with his thoughts…and memories.
* * *
Mackenna got to the center early the next morning, having not slept the night before. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail that stuck out of the opening in the back of her ball cap. Good—I’ll show him that he’s not worth my getting fixed up for. She stilled for a moment, her eyes closed as her knuckles ached from gripping the counter fiercely. Be strong. Never let him see that he devastated me. Just then, she heard the sounds of several men outside. Taking a deep breath, she pushed off of the counter and went out to greet them.
Hours later, Mackenna was wondering about her sanity for agreeing to the security work. Jobe had managed to do his job and be where she was at every turn. When she was in the kitchen, he needed to fill their water canteen. When she was in her office, he needed to measure the window in that room. When she went upstairs to check in the bedrooms, he was hanging outside their windows, attaching monitors. When she decided to work in the back for a while, he managed to need to be at the back gate.
When he asked a question, she curtly answered, giving no more of a response than was necessary. She noticed that Gabe stayed outside and allowed Jobe to interact with her. Why? Why is he trying to have a conversation with me? The more she thought about it, the more her head hurt.
Finally, she grabbed her purse and headed for the front door, waving at Rose, who was giving her a sympathetic look. Mouthing I’m leaving to her, she stepped out onto the stoop. Right into a large body working on a camera over the front door.
She did not even need to lift her eyes to see who it was. She was staring directly at his chest and knew instinctively that it was Jobe. Fuck my life , she thought.
Plastering a smile on her face as his hands came down to grab her shoulders to steady her, she tried to ignore the spark she felt. “I’m leaving now, so you’ll have to pester Rose if you need anything.”
“Pester? Is that what you think I’ve been doing?” his warm voice slid over her.
“No, I’m sure you give all your clients this much attention,” she answered sarcastically and then immediately wondered if he did.
“I’ve got to confess that I’ve never given this much attention to any other job,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
She found herself wanting to slap the smile off of his face, but could not think of a retort worthy of the situation so she turned and started down the steps.
“Where do you have to run off to?” he called out after her.
She turned slowly and stared at him coldly. A long minute passed before she spoke, “I have responsibilities besides just this center. Things that have to be taken care of.”
He sauntered down the steps to where she was standing. She wanted to move, but her legs were rooted to the sidewalk. Just the look of him still made her heart beat erratically.
“Are you sure you can’t stay for a while?” he asked softly.
“No,” she replied sharply. “I have to get my mom to a doctor’s appointment.”
“Your dad can’t take her?” he asked.
Jerking out of her Jobe-induced trance, she reared back as though she had been slapped. “No, Jobe, he can’t. He’s dead.” Turning she stalked toward her car, leaving him standing where she left him.
* * *
Later that afternoon, Jobe walked through Alvarez Security toward BJ’s workstation. “BJ? Got some digging I’d like you to do.”
“Sure man, what’s up?”
“I know when Gabe was trying to get some info on Jennifer, Lily wouldn’t do it saying that a woman wouldn’t like someone finding out stuff without talking to them first. But I’m desperate.”
BJ chuckled. “Yeah, I heard you all are working with a woman you’d once been engaged to.” He looked at Jobe for a second, seeing pain flash through his eyes. In a softer voice, he asked, “What do you need? I’ve got no problem giving you whatever you think’ll help.”
“Grateful, man,” he replied. “I got along real well with her parents although I only met them a few times. They lived a couple of counties over in Charlestown and she was super close to them. I wrote to her when I got my shit together, but she was graduated from college and none of my letters to her former address ever got delivered. I’d even tried her parents’ address, but they were returned.” He looked at BJ ruefully, saying, “Of course her parents probably hated my guts, so they might not have even given the letters to her. She told me yesterday that her dad was dead and I want to know what else I missed before I step into another hornet’s nest.”
Gabe and Vinny walked in about the time that BJ typed in the names. Within a few seconds, an obituary popped up. “Man, I’m sorry, but her dad died about four years ago.”
“Does it say how?”
“Says after a year-long battle with cancer.”
“Ah, fuck. That means he was probably diagnosed right about the time that I broke up with her. Goddamnit!” he cursed.
Tony walked in just at that moment, taking the scene in. “What’s going on?”
Jobe turned, rage on his face and bit out, “Her dad was diagnosed with cancer about the time I broke up with her and then died a year later. I had no fucking idea because I was so fucked up with my ideals of honor and duty!”
Looking at the men standing around BJ’s computer, Tony then focused on Jobe. “My office. Now.”
Used to following commands, Jobe walked behind Tony into his office taking the chair indicated. Gabe and Vinny entered as well. Tony eyed them as he walked behind his desk. Looking over at Jobe, he lifted his eyebrow in silent questioning.
Jobe nodded his acquiescence. “We’re all brothers, Captain. It’s fine if they stay.”
Tony motioned for the twins to come in and they quickly took seats. Looking at Jobe, he said, “Talk to us.”
Jobe ran his hand over his face. “Guys, we just talked about this last night. I know what I’ve got to do, but finding out about her dad just ripped me.”
“Yes, we did,” Tony agreed, “But part of your ongoing PTSD counseling is talking to us when you feel overwhelmed.”
Jobe thought about his symptoms for a moment. Every case is different, but he had not found many in his situation during the counseling groups he had attended over the years. He rarely suffered a nightmare, although occasionally he would have the sharp memory pierce his consciousness. While others were no longer able to hold down employment, he threw himself into the missions while still in the Army and now working for Tony he gave one-hundred percent every day. He was controlled enough to keep himself away from overindulging in alcohol, risky behavior, or even promiscuousness. He kept himself physically fit and mentally sharp, almost to an excess. And these three men knew that better than anyone.
Taking a deep breath, Jobe began talking to the brothers-in-arms that were there. That understood. That cared.
“Somehow I told myself that she’d be better off without me, because I couldn’t give the team what it needed, try to be there emotionally for my sisters and parents who were going through their own problems, and plan a future with her. At that time, I saw no future.”
“And now?” Tony prodded.
“I work hard, but I’m no longer seeing it as the only way to get through the day. I exercise, but no longer until I drop. I talk to my sisters but realize that I can’t keep them in a bubble and safe every second of the day. Hell, Hannah was assaulted but has dealt with it the best she can. She’s happily married and has two kids. So yeah, I feel like I’m much better.”
They sat in silence for a moment, until he continued. “But how do I explain to the woman I loved, that I just simply fell apart for a while. I went nuts, ripped up her letters, and threw myself into my job at the expense of our relationship? It made fucking sense when I did it. Hell, it made fucking sense when we talked last night. But now, knowing that when she was trying to reach out to me, her dad was dying and I just ignored her. Maybe the best thing is to take myself off of the job, Tony, and leave her in peace.”
Vinny eyed his friend and said, “I never believed in one woman for one man. That shit seemed like something from a Disney movie and we sure as hell know our lives weren’t Disney movies. But when I saw Tony and Sherrie together, I knew that was something special. Different. And when Gabe got with Jennifer? Fuck, any of us could see what that was. And me? Annalissa is everything I never thought I would want and never thought I could have. But she’s it. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Jobe held his gaze but shook his head slowly. “Not really, man, except that you all found it.”
“I saw her face when she looked at you. And when she tried not to look at you. Yeah, she’s angry and confused, but Jobe, don’t think for a second that she doesn’t still feel something for you.”
Gabe nodded. “Vinny’s right. Even when you were with her today, I could see it too. She’s hurting, no doubt. But this girl’s worth fighting for. Worth giving it your all to take care of and make her happy.”
“Oh, there’s no doubt that she’s worth it,” Jobe admitted.
Tony had been sitting quietly, letting his friends talk through the situation but now observed one of his most valuable team members and said, “Jobe, you’ve never backed away from a mission. Not even when you were vulnerable. You planned, you knew what you were heading into, and you had the most Never Say Die attitude of any of us and that’s saying a lot. I’m not saying make Mackenna your next mission. But you owe it to yourself and to her to see this through till the end. Until you can be friends or more or you decide that it is totally unsalvageable.”
Jobe smiled for the first time knowing they were right. She was worth giving it everything he had.
* * *
Coming in early the next morning, Mackenna greeted Little John, who was just getting ready to leave.
“You’re here before your regular time,” he said. Eying her carefully, he added, “Heard there was some excitement around here the other day.”
“Yeah,” she admitted, pouring a cup of coffee for both of them. “I’m afraid I let my anger get the best of me and I acted rather foolishly. And in front of the security team that came by.” She saw him give her a stern glare, so she quickly added, “Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. No more baseball bat escapades.”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “I know it’s wrong to say this, but honest to God, I wish I coulda seen that.”
She smiled for the first time since yesterday as they sat at the table. A comfortable silence settled on the two as they sipped their coffee. She looked up after a few minutes, seeing him staring at her.
“You got something else to tell me, girl?”
Pursing her lips, she said, “I suppose that one of the women told you about seeing my ex here yesterday.”
“Someone may have mentioned something about that,” he casually admitted.
“Yeah, right. They probably couldn’t talk about it fast enough!” she complained.
He gave no response and she weighed her words carefully. “We met in college. He was in the Army. Special Forces. Was serving in Afghanistan. I was here planning our wedding and he was over there deciding how to break up with me. He finally just decided that the modern method of a break-up email was best. So I emailed and wrote letters numerous times, begging him to stay with me. To no avail. Over and done with for him, I suppose. Haven’t seen or heard from him in five years and boom, he shows up yesterday working for a security company here in Richmond. I think that just about sums it up for you.”
She took another sip of coffee hoping he would not see her shaking hands. He noticed.
“You know I was in the military?” he asked. Her gaze jumped up to his in surprise. “I was just infantry. Regular Army. Nothin’ special like the Special Forces.” He paused for a second, before continuing, “But seen some bad shit where I was.”
She leaned across the table, placing her hand on his large one. “Little John, I can’t imagine that there’s any job in the military during wartime that wasn’t special. I had no idea you had served.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I guess when the bombs go off they don’t care if you got a high rank or a low one, they’ll kill you just the same.” He took another sip of coffee, watching the young woman in front of him, still obviously affected by the young man’s appearance yesterday in spite of her attempts to say otherwise. "You know, war changes a person. Some come back and are able to put it in a place in their minds where it don’t torment ‘em every day. Others?” he shook his head, “Others don’t come back so good. Maybe it’s their bodies that got fu—I mean messed up, and for some it was their minds.”
“Why are you telling me this?” she whispered.
“Well, where I sit, a man don’t give up a woman like you for nothin’. He musta had a reason but just ‘cause he never told you what it was don’t mean it wasn’t there.”
“But how could I have known if he never told me?”
“Don’t know, sugar.” He sighed deeply as he rose from his seat and walked over to the sink to rinse out his cup. Turning, he grabbed his car keys off of the counter and was almost to the door when he looked back at her sitting at the table. Sad. And alone.
“Only you can decide if he’s worth a shot at eventually telling you. And only you can decide if it’s worth moving past. But Mac? The woman sittin’ in front of me is still hurtin’ a whole lot. If this man’s opinion is worth anything, you deserve to either see what’s there or put it to rest for good.”
With that, he nodded as he walked out of the back kitchen door, and ran right into Jobe and Gabe standing just outside. He could tell by the expressions on their faces that they had heard the conversation. Or at least part of it. He stood for a moment, holding Jobe’s gaze…and liked what he saw.
“Gentlemen,” he said in greeting. As they acknowledged him as well, he turned and looked back at the building saying, “Yep, you gotta a lot of work to do here. But it’s worth it.” Dropping his gaze back to Jobe’s, he continued, “But then I’ll just bet you already know that.”
* * *
By lunchtime, Mackenna once again found herself surrounded by Jobe, everywhere she turned. She had to admit that a few times she caught herself looking when she did not think he would notice and wish he had gotten uglier with time. No such luck. If anything, he’s more gorgeous.
Finally, she made her way to the kitchen to make a sandwich when he wandered in once again. Her gaze moved to his before looking back down at the counter. She did not want to talk to him, but found herself automatically asking, “Do you and Gabe want something to eat?”
“You don’t have to fix lunch. And Gabe left to go work on another job.”
Her gaze jumped back to his in surprise. “He's gone?”
Jobe nodded as he filled his canteen with water again. “We’ve got several jobs going on today and one of the other men called in sick, so he left to work on that project.”
“Oh.” That single word sounded stupid, but it was all she could think of to say. Her mind racing, she finally just pushed the sandwich over toward him and began making another one for her. “You might as well eat something.”
Jobe watched her in silence for a few minutes, as he chewed the food gratefully. At least she didn’t throw it at me. He had managed to move about the house to keep maximum contact with her, trying to balance not crowding and yet making sure she knew he was around. He watched as she moved to the table and sat down, nodding at the chair across from her.
Taking the silent invitation, he sat and continued to eat. Deciding to start with a safe topic, he said, “I’m really impressed with what you’re doing here.”
He noticed that she gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. Good.
“Thank you. I hope we’re doing something right. At least it seems as though we are.” She felt awkward but just could not seem to bring her gaze up to his.
“I’d say you’re definitely doing something right. You always had such passion to help others and it really shows.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he should not have made a reference to knowing her in the past. It was too soon, by the stiff expression on her face. Fuck! Well hell, time to go for broke.
“Mackenna, I’d really like to talk to you sometime. There’s a lot I’d like to tell you and hope that you’ll at least give me a chance.”
She sat stiffly, staring down at her plate. The words of Little John ran through her head, but all she could think of at the moment was the pain. The searing pain that she never wanted to feel again.
“I…don’t think that’s a good idea, Jobe. It was…um, a long time ago that we were…um, friends and well, that’s where it should stay.” She stood up from her seat and took both plates to the sink. “You have a job to do here and I’ll say that I’m grateful. But as for anything else? Well…um, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
She faced the window over the sink, hoping he would just walk out of the kitchen and continue his work so that she could leave with her dignity intact.
Jobe had other ideas. He moved to stand behind her, his arms reaching around the counter on either side of her effectively caging her in. His body did not touch hers, but even after years he could feel her heat. The shampoo scent of her long hair was different than what he remembered but stirred him just as much.
He leaned forward so that his lips were close to her ear and whispered, “Mackenna, I get that what I did was unforgivable. But swear to God, I couldn’t seem to help what I was doing. I’ve spent the past years regretting that decision and by the time I tried to write to you again, you were gone. Then I told myself to leave you alone and let you have your life. But now that our paths have crossed again, I’m gonna take that chance to at least have you look me in the eye without hating me.”
He could feel her body stiffen, making sure to not lean back into him.
“I don’t hate you anymore,” she choked out. “But I sure as hell don’t like you.”
“Fair enough,” he admitted. “But I consider that a start.”
“No, it’s not a start for me. It’s still part of the ending.”
He touched his lips to the top of her head and pulled away walking toward the door. Looking back, he said, “I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know, Mackenna. But I’m not giving up on at least having the chance to talk to you.” With that, he turned and walked out of the door.