Chapter Twenty
Alex followed me into the exam room and waited patiently for the technician to come in and start the ultrasound. I lay quietly on the table, but I was fidgeting and having a hard time focusing.
"Are you cold?" He rubbed my arm. "You’re shivering."
"I just get nervous when I have any kind of exam, and this is nerve-wracking because they could find something wrong with the baby."
"You’re healthy, and so is our little one," he said, voice firm. "This is a happy exam. We’re going to get to see her."
"Or him." I smiled. "Will you be disappointed if it’s a him?"
"Of course not. As long as she’s healthy, it doesn’t matter."
"I’m just glad we’ll know for sure, and then we can pick out a name," I said. "Do you have any in mind?"
"No." He shook his head. "I haven’t thought that far ahead. You?"
"No," I said. "I wanted to wait for you to come home."
The technician walked into the room and introduced herself.
She hardly glanced at me; she couldn’t seem to take her eyes off Alex.
I briefly panicked, the crazy thought she might’ve been a one-night hook up for him, but he didn’t seem to know her.
I tried to ignore her blatant attempt to eye him; I was just anxious for her to start.
I pulled up my shirt, and Alex was immediately mesmerized. He’d been placing his hands on the tiny bump for the past few nights, but that was over my shirt. This was the first time he’d seen it in the flesh, so to speak.
His baby is in there!
I smiled at him, but then my cheeks burned as I realized he stared at my exposed stomach.
"It’s adorable," he whispered.
The tech stared at him with a puzzled look on her face. "You didn’t attend her first ultrasound?" she asked, as she looked over my chart. She was probably searching for my marital status.
"No, I was at school."
Not that it's any of her business.
"What school did you go to?" she asked, and her smile suddenly seemed to get brighter.
"Yale."
"Wow!" she said. "You must be really smart."
"He is," I said. "I hope the baby has his brains." I looked at her innocently, but I was letting this twit know in no uncertain terms he was the father of my child.
"Can we get started?" Alex asked.
"Anxious, Mr. Andrews, is it?" she asked, as she spread the sticky gel over my bump. At least it was heated.
Now she's fishing for his relationship status!
"Actually, it’s Alex Jordan, and yes, I really want to see my baby on that monitor." He winked at me, and I let out a soft giggle. I didn’t realize how much I missed laughing.
"Jordan? As in Dr. Jack Jordan?" She quickly switched on the monitor and placed the paddle on my stomach.
"He’s my father," he said. "And I’m sure, as the Chief of Staff, he’d love to hear what a great job this department is doing. He may pop in to see how we’re progressing."
She ignored his last comment and took the measurements of the baby. She probably realized she needed to be doing her job if the Chief of Staff walked in.
Alex grinned and stared at the monitor. His eyes were full of joy, and, for the first time since he’d come home, he seemed genuinely happy.
"Do you see the little heart bopping up and down?" I asked. "That’s my favorite part."
He nodded, and I knew he was feeling exactly the same way I felt at my first ultrasound. The experience was beyond anything I could have imagined. There was a life in there. One we created together.
"You’re right on target for a February fourteenth baby," the tech said. "But that’s just an estimate since babies come when they want."
"It’s remarkable," he whispered.
Alex asked as more questions than I had my first time; he apparently wanted to know as much as I did about our little miracle. I was glad he was there, because he asked things I wouldn’t have thought of asking.
He counted the fingers and the toes, got a good look at all the organs, and checked that the spine was intact.
"You know an awful lot about the anatomy of a fetus," the tech said. "Are you a doctor?"
"Practically." I spoke for the first time in a while. "I told you he was really smart."
"Do you want to know the sex?" she asked. "Although I have a feeling Mr. Jordan already knows."
"I have a strong feeling about it, but I’d rather have you confirm it for us." He smiled.
"I want to know!" I squeaked. "I can hardly tell what I’m looking at."
"You and Alex are having a baby girl." She smiled, and she didn't seem so interested in my man anymore.
"A girl?" My eyes widened. "A little girl?" I stared at the monitor, trying to confirm for myself.
I looked up at Alex’s tear-filled eyes. I was sure, like me, it didn’t really matter either way, but now that we knew, it was surreal. I kept imagining a smaller version of myself wrapping her daddy around her tiny finger.
He's done for.
"Are you happy?" I whispered, tears sliding down my face.
"So happy, baby." He smiled and kissed my forehead. "A girl is perfect."
I reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes with my thumb. "She’s gonna love her daddy."
How couldn’t she?
The conversation during the car ride home was eerily one-sided. I kept going on and on about princesses and pink butterflies. I’d never been much of a girly girl, but now that I was having a girl, I was kinda excited.
We parked in the driveway and walked up to my porch. The weather was unseasonably mild for November, so we sat on the porch swing and watched the neighborhood kids play kickball in the street.
"Is everything okay?" I asked. "You’ve been really quiet since we left the hospital."
"I was just thinking," he said. "So much has changed since I left last July. I never expected to come back and find out I was gonna to be someone’s father."
"Oh," I whispered. Of course, the bubble was gonna burst.
Why do I think I have any right to be happy?
"Joce." He took my hand. "I made a mistake. A big one."
I don’t want to hear it!
"You know what, Alex," I said. "It’s okay. I understand."
"No, you don’t," he said. "You have no idea."
"You don’t owe me anything. I just hope you’ll stay in her life." I looked down and rubbed my hand over my stomach. "I want her to have two parents."
"What?"
"It was hard growing up with only one," I said. "I want better for her."
"Of course she’ll have two parents," he said. "Why would you think I’d walk out now?"
"You said you made a mistake, so I just figured you didn’t want to hang around me." I looked down again, but he tilted my chin so I was forced to look into those piercing green eyes. Every time I looked at the man, I knew he was all I’d ever want.
"I made the mistake before I left."
"We both did that, and I don’t consider her a mistake anymore." Now he was making me angry.
"Stop it," he said. "Please stop assuming the worst, and let me finish."
I nodded, still not wanting to hear what he had to say, but it was better to let him get it out, and then we could move on.
"I didn’t tell you exactly how I felt when I left for the internship, and then when you pulled away, I still didn’t man up. If I would’ve told you what I was feeling, I could’ve saved you all the stress and worry over telling me about the baby."
"I just didn’t want to be a responsibility for you," I said. "I feel awful for going about this the way I did."
"First of all, you’re not, and never have been, an obligation or a responsibility to me. I want you just as much as I want our daughter. You’re a package deal for me. The thought of losing you drives me insane."
"I know you care about me."
"You do?" He appeared obviously relieved.
I nodded. "But sometimes it’s hard for me to know how much. You do so many nice things for me, but then you don’t always express what you’re feeling."
"I know." He twirled a strand of my hair around his finger. "I’ve made some big mistakes with you, but only because it was all new to me. I didn’t realize it at first, but I swear I knew before I left for that internship. I just didn’t recognize it then."
He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to mine. "You mean everything to me."
Before he could say anything else, I threw my arms around his neck and eagerly kissed him back.
"I know you’re afraid." I kissed him again. "I was scared too, but Alex, I know what you’re trying to say. I can feel it."
"You can?" He smiled.
"Yes, and I love you too." I was putting myself out there, but when I saw his face in that exam room, I knew he was feeling the same way I was. I just needed him to admit it.
"Jocelyn, I love you so much, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, sweetheart." He pulled me into another kiss, running his hands through my hair and then stopping to look in my eyes. "I should’ve told you before I left, and then you wouldn’t have been afraid to tell me about our baby."
"I wouldn’t have wanted you to tell me, if you weren’t sure."
"I wanted to tell you when I came back. I had every intention of coming home and tracking you down, but then I was afraid you’d think I was telling you because you were pregnant."
"I probably would have." I laughed. "I seem to make a habit out of assuming the wrong thing."
"Hmm . . . ." He shook his head. "That's an understatement." He took my hand and placed it over his heart. "When I thought you’d moved on, I almost lost my mind. I had to stop myself three times from getting on a plane and coming back here to make you see how much I loved you. I didn’t want to force myself on you; you were young, and I thought you needed your space. I want to make you proud of me, Jocelyn. I want to be a good father to our little girl, and I want to be the man you’ll love forever. "
I couldn’t hold back the tears. Not only did he want our baby, but he wanted me too.
He laughed as he wiped the tears from my cheeks. "My hormonal girl."
"It’s just I’ve been waiting for you to tell me how you’ve felt, and now that you have, I feel so relieved. You’ve been great about everything these past few days, but I doubted your feelings for me. There was no doubt in my mind about you wanting her."
I took his hand and placed it on my stomach. "But I was scared once she was born, I’d lose you."
"You’re never gonna lose me," he whispered. "I’m gonna take care of my girls for the rest of my life."
"Good, 'cause we need you." I rested my head against his chest.
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was letting it all sink in.
I finally knew how he felt, and it was such a relief.
We had a long way to go, so much to learn about one another, and then there was the obstacles that came with having a baby so early on in our relationship.
But now that I knew he loved me, it all seemed possible.