Chapter 17
WILDER
Ididn’t go over to Avery’s on Sunday night.
Usually I would have found myself heading over there once Gracie was asleep, but if I was honest, my feelings were still kinda bruised from Avery’s out-of-hand rejection the day before.
I wasn’t any kind of catch, but the way he’d been so quick to make sure I knew he wasn’t interested in dating had stung like a nail gun to the heart.
When he’d mentioned that there wasn’t any rule saying we couldn’t date, I’d frozen for the time it had taken my brain to catch up to my ears—but that was mostly because of how unexpected it was and not because I hated the idea.
In fact, it was the opposite. I’d been trying to picture dating Avery, and I’d found I liked it more than I expected.
But before I’d been able to say that, he’d reassured me he wasn’t talking about us. Like he was worried I might get the wrong idea or something.
And then later he’d brought it up again, by way of a half-assed apology for making things awkward. And I’d started out by telling him I had said I didn’t want to date. But before I got to the part where I suggested we could try it, he’d shut me down. Again.
It felt just as shit-tastic the second time around.
And it wasn’t like I could even be mad at him.
I was the one who’d set that boundary in the first place.
It wasn’t fair to blame Avery just because I didn’t have the balls to tell him I’d changed my mind.
So I’d done my best to act like it didn’t bother me, and by the time Avery had left on Saturday night after reading Gracie her story, things had been almost back to normal between us. Almost.
But still, I didn’t feel like fooling around with Avery, not while I had all these feelings swirling around and complicating shit.
So I didn’t go visit. And on Monday morning when I dropped Gracie off at school, I was halfway out the door while she was still putting her bag away. Avery sent me a confused look and seemed to be about to say something, but then Tyrell’s mom cornered him and I was able to escape.
I didn’t feel good about dodging Avery, but I needed some space while I figured stuff out.
It felt like something between us had changed, even though on the surface everything was the same.
But if everything really was the same, why did the thought of waking up next to Avery put a smile on my face and a warm glow in my chest?
And why did him calling me Johnny make my insides melt?
And when had sex without dating started to feel like it wasn’t enough anymore?
The more I thought about it, the more I kept circling around to the same conclusion.
Maybe the thing that had changed was… me?
Well, fuck.
Since I was running late, I’d skipped making myself lunch.
Getting Gracie to school on time had been enough of a challenge.
The crew was working out of Goose Run for a change, so at lunch I drove to the gas station to grab a sandwich and a drink.
Danny had already finished for the day, and Chase hadn’t started yet.
The only sandwiches left were pretty pathetic, but Renata, who was behind the register, gave me two at half price, so at least what I sacrificed in flavor, I made up in value.
I was out of sorts enough that I didn’t go back to the site to eat with the guys.
Instead, I pulled my truck into the shade of the trees at the end of the parking lot at Goose Run Gas and ate my lunch there.
I sat on the hood, sandwiches balanced on my knees, and thought some more about Avery and whether or not I’d be so slow figuring shit out if he wasn’t a guy.
I didn’t like what the answer said about me.
Maybe I should have talked to Danny, but I wasn’t sure he’d get it.
He was my best friend, but he wouldn’t see the obstacles I was putting in my own path here.
My baggage looked a lot different to Danny’s, so I called the one person in the world who’d been there with me for my highest of highs and lowest of lows.
The one person who knew exactly how frightening it was to want something different than your family, or your town, or the whole world thought you deserved.
“Hey,” I said when she answered. “You got a minute to talk?”
“Yeah,” Cassidy said. “Hold on, I’m in the library. Let me get outside.”
Cassidy had sure thrown away everyone else’s expectations when she’d gone to college, and I was so proud of her for it.
A few moments passed, and she said, “I’m outside. What’s up?”
Well, wasn’t that a loaded fucking question?
I squinted into the trees. “I, uh, I met someone. Wanted to get your thoughts on it.”
“Get my thoughts?” she asked, a smile in her voice. “You make it sound like we’re on a panel for a job interview. Do I know her? What’s she like?”
“He,” I said. Then I said it again, to make sure she heard. “It’s a he.”
“Oh.” She was silent for a moment, then said, “Well, I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry. Let’s start again. Do I know him? What’s he like? Oh god, it’s not Danny, is it?”
“What? No!” I couldn’t help laughing. “Gross. He’s my brother!”
“Who is it then?” she asked.
“His name’s Avery. He’s Gracie’s kindergarten teacher.”
“Oh! Well, I know Gracie approves! She loves Mr. Smith.”
“Gracie doesn’t know,” I said. “Nobody knows. It’s—it’s a secret. It’s not serious.”
“Those two things really don’t match up,” she said. “Which one is it?”
“It’s a secret,” I said, “and maybe more serious than I thought. It kinda started because I was curious, you know, about…” My face heated up. “About guys. So it was a no-strings kind of a thing. He’s not looking for anything serious, and neither was I, I figured.”
Cassidy hummed. “But now?”
“I like him,” I said, and my chest ached. “I really like him, Cass.”
“So what’s the problem exactly?”
“He doesn’t want to date anyone.”
“But you do?”
“I…” My eyes stung. “I don’t know. I’ve been going round and round in my head for days, and nothing’s getting clearer. I just keep landing on the idea that maybe he’d be more open to it if… if I wasn’t me.”
Her tone sharpened. “What the hell do you mean, Wilder?”
“I’m me,” I said. “I’m a single dad who barely finished high school, and I’ve got like thirty bucks in my wallet until next payday and next to nothing in savings. What am I bringing to the table here?”
“You,” Cassidy said. “You’re bringing you. You’re a good guy, Wilder. You’re honest, and kind, and you look after the people who rely on you. And if that’s not good enough for him, then he’s an asshole.”
I winced. “He’s not an asshole.”
“Good,” Cassidy said. “Then maybe you should talk to him?”
I hated that she made sense, so I hummed and said, “And that’s it? That’s your advice?”
“Yeah,” she said, her voice softening. “You and I have been through a lot, and the only thing that stopped us from hating each other and hurting each other was that we talked. Even when we were scared, or when we were angry, or when we thought our lives were over. And if we were brave enough to talk things through when we were seventeen, then you can do it now. Wilder, you’ve already done the scariest thing in the world.
Having a talk with Avery will be a piece of cake after some of the conversations we’ve had. ”
“I guess that’s true.” I laughed despite myself. “Thanks. Love you.”
“Love you too,” she said warmly.
When we ended the call, I ate my sandwiches and decided that I was definitely going to go see Avery tonight.
And we were going to talk.
“Hey, kid, got a minute?”
I was heading for my truck after finishing up for the day when Uncle Steve fell in step beside me.
“Sure,” I said, a knot forming in my stomach.
Steve had been acting weird the last week or so, and I’d caught him watching me once or twice when I’d been rubbing at the tight spot in the small of my back.
It wasn’t serious—aching muscles were part of the job, and Uncle Steve knew that more than anyone—but I wouldn’t lie, I was worried he was letting me go since the business was struggling.
I wasn’t sure what I’d do if he did. I had next to nothing in savings.
I made a little extra with the stripping, and if I asked Bobby, he’d probably find me a job somewhere—maybe at his nonexistent bakery—but things were still tight enough that I couldn’t afford to miss a paycheck while I found something else.
My gut churned as we walked across the parking lot. When we reached my truck, Steve leaned against it and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So, you know business has been slow, and my back’s been actin’ up, so I’ve been doing some thinking.”
Shit. That didn’t sound good.
“You’re a good kid, Wilder,” he said. “And a good worker.” He let out a long, tired breath.
My gut twisted. “What’s going on?”
Another long breath. “It’s this shit with Morris. With the way things are going, I figure the business has got about another twelve months, maybe.” He stared at the ground for a moment, then looked up and met my gaze. “He called me a few days ago. Wants to buy me out.”
“Shit.” My stomach sank. “You serious?”
“Yeah,” Steve said. “And I know when I’m beat, kid. Either I sell now, or he waits me out until the business goes under anyway.”
“That fucking asshole.”
“Yeah.” Steve dragged a grimy hand through his hair. “Here’s the thing. I’m taking the deal. I’m getting too old to be climbing up ladders all day. That’s a young man’s game.”
“You ain’t that old,” I said, pushing down the selfish urge to yell at him. To demand to know how the fuck I was gonna pay my bills and support my kid if he went through with this.
Steve shoved his hands back in his pockets. “You need to think about your future too, and this job ain’t it. I’ve been talking to a buddy of mine, Larry Harper over in Brodnax. Runs Harper’s Plumbing. He might have a spot for an apprentice.”
I stared at him, too caught up in the idea that he was leaving me high and dry to realize for a second that he wasn’t.