Chapter 13
Thirteen
“ A bby, can you open your eyes for me?”
God, she just wanted to sleep. Something was telling her she needed to wake up. To be alert. Something was wrong in her body and she needed to fight against the pull to stay asleep.
“John?” she groaned. “Where are we?”
“I just parked outside the emergency room at St. Clare’s. We need to go inside now. Do you think you can walk or do you want me to carry you in?”
“No!” Abby forced her eyes open and she moved away from John as her vision swam. “No hospital.”
“We have to, Abby. You’re having some sort of reaction to something.”
“I c-can’t.” It felt like her brain was trying to work while submerged in glue, the words she wanted to say forced behind a wall of fog and sludge.
“We need to, sweetheart. We don’t know what’s going on.”
“Please, no.” She’d beg. She’d plead. She’d use everything she could to not step back into that building. With every bit of strength she had, Abby curled her legs up towards her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and buried her face.
The door closed gently beside her, and the truck rocked slightly as John climbed back into the driver’s seat. Abby tipped her face towards John. His eyes pierced hers for a second before she closed them again.
“Should I call Sam? Or your mom?”
“No.”
He must have known she was about to argue because he lifted his hand to silence her. “Does that asshole from the bar know where you live?”
Shit. Did he? She’d asked him to pick her up from the bakery, but did that mean he knew she lived there?
“He picked me up… outside Sprinkles.”
“Do you think that’s enough of a buffer? Did you ever mention your apartment being above there?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Let me take you to my house. I don’t want you being anywhere near where he could try and do something. And we don’t know how the drug will affect you, if he did slip you something. I could come stay the night at your place again, but I’m closer to the hospital if anything happens and we need to get you back here.” He squeezed her hand.
“I can’t. Katy?”
“She’s having a cousin’s camp out with Jack. It’s why I was out with my brother in the first place. I’m sure Jackson is letting Grace know what happened. They’ll watch her, or they’ll have my mom come get her.”
It shouldn’t be like that. It shouldn’t always be John stepping in to save her. Abby just wanted one time where she wasn’t looking so weak, so incapable, around him. But as her vision faded around her, her sense of safety won out. She nodded, and sighed as he started the engine and backed out of the parking spot.
“It’s going to be okay. I’m going to take you home and I’ll make sure everything’s okay.”
She rested her head on the window and let herself fall into the calm quiet of being near John.
“Abby, we’re here.”
John’s rough hand ran up and down her arm, and even in her sleep she could feel her body waking up to his touch. Her eyelids felt so damn heavy, but she managed to open them just as John parked his truck.
They weren’t outside Sprinkles.
“Where are we?”
“My house. I told you I was going to take care of you. Remember? My house is closer to the hospital if we need to get you help.”
“I don’t th?—“
“No arguing. This way I can check on you tonight and I don’t have to worry about the time it would take to get you help if your symptoms end up being worse than they are right now.”
Her muscles still felt weak, her head was battling through dizziness, and her stomach teetered precariously on the edge of nausea.
John turned off the engine, clicked the latch release for her seat belt and his, then got out of the truck and walked to her side. Abby wanted so badly to get out on her own, but her body still felt like it wasn’t able to listen to the requests coming from her brain.
“Do you want me to carry you in?”
“No. Hold my hand? I feel weak.”
“You can hold my hand any time you want to.” John held out his hand and she gripped it, sliding down from his truck onto his driveway. As soon as her feet hit the pavement, her knees buckled and she braced for the pain of landing face down on the ground. But that pain never came.
Instead, she was wrapped in warm arms and steadied against a solid wall of muscles. His chest rose and fell rapidly while he held on to her.
“I-I’m okay.”
“Sweetheart, you are not okay. But I’m going to make sure that you are from here on out.” He pressed a kiss into her hair and the soft, kind gesture made her throat burn with emotion. “I’m going to make the executive decision to carry you in now, okay?”
“Okay.”
Her arms were too weak to wrap around his neck, but her head settled on his shoulder. Abby let her eyes drift shut, the warmth radiating off John lulling her almost immediately to sleep. She wanted to see what his home looked like, but her eyelids weren’t cooperating.
The rhythmic steps of his walking stopped after a moment and she felt him lower her down to something soft. A bed. And then his hands were on her ankles, gently undoing the clasp to her shoes.
She needed him to point her in the direction of the bathroom. There was this desperate need simmering under her skin to get cleaned up, but even just the idea of washing her face was overwhelming.
“Abby?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you okay to sleep like this? Do you need anything?”
She answered with a groan. Pushing herself up as she opened her eyes, she tried to smile at John, who was now at the edge of the bed facing her, staring with worry written all over his face.
“I need a shower,” she pressed up from the bed, wobbled to the sink in the attached bathroom and held on as the world around her spun. John’s hand landed on the small of her back, steadying her.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. It’s not safe right now. There will be time for that in the morning.”
“I can’t…I can’t be in this dress. Can I wear…do you have…” She clawed at the zipper, but her limbs still felt heavy and disconnected from her brain.
“Come sit over here.” John’s warm hands glided over her to the bed and she sat, her shaky legs finally giving out.
“Thank you, John,” her voice wobbled as he pulled the zipper down on her dress. “For not making me call Sam. For saving me, again. For everything.”
“I’m glad I was there tonight.” There was a tightness in his voice as he took a step back. “I’m just going to run and grab some clothes for you. Is that okay? I have a shirt and some sweatpants you can sleep in.”
Her heart fluttered. She wanted to say so many things in that moment, but all that manifested was a small nod. As John left the room, Abby sank back against the pillows.
“I’m going to help you out of the dress, Abby. Is that okay?”
“Mmm.”
“I know you’re tired, but I need you to tell me it’s okay to help you get undressed. Can you open your eyes for one minute?”
The cozy comfort of the bed was calling to her, but she heard the pain in John's voice. Using every last bit of energy she had, Abby opened her eyes.
“It’s okay, John. Please help me.”
She let her eyes flutter closed as his hands worked to take her dress off. A small curse hit her ears as a soft shirt that smelled like her safe place was being tugged over her body. Before she slipped into complete darkness, she felt a gentle kiss being pressed into her forehead.
“Sleep, beautiful. You’re safe with me.”
And she did. The nothingness of nighttime wrapped around her. For how long, she couldn’t even fathom a guess.
Then the nightmare came.
The scream died on the edge of her lips, just like it always did.
Like it always would.
The room swam as she sat up. God, she just wanted to feel normal again. A migraine was hell to deal with, but it was her own body making her feel out of control. Having that control taken from her, without her consent, was hell.
She searched for the warmth she expected to be wrapped in, but it was nowhere to be found. Cold air and loneliness nipped at her as she looked for John.
Of course he wasn’t there. He was helping her out as a friend, that wouldn’t include literally staying with her all night.
Planting her feet on the ground, she tested her legs. When they held her weight without sending her crashing to the ground, she walked into the hallway and stared at the doors. There was only one partially shut. That had to be John’s.
She knocked, slightly opening the door and allowing light from the hallway to spill in.
“You okay?” His groggy voice called out. Was she? Even if she said yes, which she so desperately wanted to, it would be a lie. And he would see right through it.
“No. I don’t think I am.” Shit. She leaned against the door frame, arms wrapped around herself for comfort. “I just…I know nothing really happened. But I feel so violated. I think I’m just scared. What if you and Jackson hadn’t been there? What was he going to do to me?”
“You don’t need to think about that.”
She nodded. “It felt the same as it did that night. That same sense of my body not being able to listen to what I was begging for it to do. I couldn’t get away from Marco. Tonight, I wouldn’t have gotten away from Luke. I’ve been so careful, and I finally let my guard down. Why? Why did he have to do that to me?”
“Abby? Can I come give you a hug?”
She nodded, her legs propelling her forward to the promise of John’s safety.
He stood, moving the covers off and her mouth dropped open. His sweatpants were slung low on his hips, the band of his underwear peeking out. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and she was immediately drawn to the tattoos that covered his shoulders and chest. The intricate designs wrapped around his waist and disappeared into his sweats. Holy mother of sexy sin, Abby blushed.
In the time she’d spent ogling his incredible body, John had closed the distance between them. He hauled her into his arms. God, he was so warm and strong, and now that she was surrounded by his safety, she wanted so badly to just fall apart. To let go and release everything she’d been holding in from the first time he’d saved her.
Almost as if he knew what she was thinking, John tipped her chin up towards his face while tightening his hold of her.
“What do you need?”
“Will you…Can I…” God. She couldn’t get the words out.
John moved his hands so they cupped her cheeks, his thumb gently swiping across her flushed skin.
“Abby, would it be okay for me to hold you tonight?”
“Yes,” she whispered, so thankful that he had known how hard it was for her to ask.
“Come here.” John walked her over to the side of the bed furthest from the door. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she’d wanted to laugh about how he was always protecting her. Even in his own house. In his own bed.
A lump pushed uncomfortably in her throat as she settled against his chest. His one arm wrapped around her back, gently running his fingers through her hair.
“Are you sure this is okay?”
“Abby, I might be big and look intimidating, but I’ll let you in on a secret.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head. “I love to cuddle. Don’t worry for a second that I’m not exactly where I want to be.”
Her leg moved to drape over his. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was doing. All she knew was that she wanted to be as close to him as possible.
“Do you think you’ll be able to fall back asleep? Is there anything you need?”
“I need to cry,” she confessed.
“That’s okay. I’m right here. You can cry all you need to. I’m not going anywhere.”
“No,” she shook her head. “I need to cry, but I can’t. I haven’t cried since that night.”
His body went stiff around her. “Not at all?”
“No. I think I’m broken. I feel it here, pressing in on my chest. Like I won’t ever be able to get enough air to breathe until I finally do, but my brain won’t let it happen. Every time I start to get upset, it’s like my mind screams at me to be grateful I’m alive and to stop bitching about the little scar on my neck. He killed all those other women. He nearly took everything from Emma, and she shows her scars off with such fierce bravery that I feel like the biggest baby for hiding mine. I can’t allow myself to be weak when everyone else is so strong.”
“Look at me.” His finger skimmed the skin under her chin until he tipped her face towards his. “Crying about something does not make you weak. Accessing those emotions is an important part of processing through the trauma you experienced. And it was traumatic . Your nightmares are screaming at you to let it out. So listen to them. You are safe to cry here. I’m not going to think you are weak. I’m going to lay here with you in my arms and remind you how strong and courageous it is to be vulnerable. How incredibly proud you should be for releasing it. You’re safe with me, Abby, always.”
“I’m really tired of holding it in.”
“You’ve been carrying this all by yourself for too long. Give yourself permission to not be so damn strong. I’ll be that strength for you instead. From this moment forward, you’ll give it to me to carry.”
His words brought the familiar sting to her eyes. Instead of pushing it down, instead of fighting it, she gave herself permission to let the tears fall. She let the walls she’d so carefully constructed around her pain come down while he held her. His touch was not solely there for comfort. It was possessive. All consuming. His warm, musky cologne filled the space between them and she found herself wanting to burrow even more into his chest…
She cried.
The tears came, and they didn’t stop.
Was it minutes? Was it hours? She didn’t know.
Slowly, Abby began to calm, the tears not as overwhelming as they first were. She found herself taking a few deep breaths as her fingers began tracing one of the tattoos across John’s chest.
“Promise me something, sweetheart,” he whispered as her tears finally stopped.
“What?”
“Promise me you’ll delete that dating app right after you send me that asshole’s information.”
“Why would I do that? I don’t want to be alone forever.”
“I’m not going to lie, Abby.” His thumb swept along her cheek, collecting the last of her tears. “I’m a selfish bastard.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t want you dating anyone else.”
“Anyone else?”
“Anyone other than me.”
Her breath hitched at his confession. “Because you don’t want to keep saving me from my own stupidity?”
“No. I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you. I want to be the man who takes you out to dinner. I want to be the one who brings you flowers and sneaks little kisses from you at school drop off. I want you to teach me how to braid Katy’s hair and come with us on all our adventures. I want to be the man who keeps you safe. The man who takes you to bed every night. The man who wakes up with you in his arms each morning.”
She laid there, silently absorbing the words he’d just said. She continued to run her fingers over his skin, and he did the same along her back.
Her eyes lifted to meet his. In those short moments of silence they shared, she found the courage to do something she’d wanted to do from the very first time he’d saved her. She lifted her lips and pressed them against his.
The kiss was soft, and Abby could feel John desire and apprehension pouring through their connection.
He shifted, his hands running up her arms. For a moment, she imagined him running his hands under her shirt, but instead he gently pushed her body away.
“You have no idea how much I don’t want to stop?—”
“Then don’t.”
“We can’t. Not tonight. I want to hold you as we sleep, but I can’t do anything else. Not after what you’ve been through. I want the first time we’re together to be really special. You deserve that.”
“I wouldn’t regret it,” she sighed as she snuggled back down into his chest. “I’ve wanted this for so long, John. For so long. But I understand.”
“You’re safe with me, Abby. Always.”
“I know I am.”
“I needed to say it, baby, in case somewhere in your mind you’re thinking you’re not. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
“John, I know you wouldn’t. I trust you. You saved me. You’re always there to save me.”