Chapter 33
Thirty-Three
“ M om. Can I get you anything?”
Abby’s stomach rolled as the smell of industrial cleaner assaulted her. She wished the janitor who’d walked into their small waiting room would just pack up his mop and go. Whatever cleaner they used at this hospital had the same smell that had overwhelmed her as she woke up in the hospital after her attack. She swallowed roughly, begging her mind to focus on her mother and getting the next update about Sam.
When they first arrived, they were told that the Cardiac Care Team had stabilized Sam. That about a million different tests were being run to try to understand what happened and the extent of the damage from his sudden cardiac arrest. He’d been extremely lucky. The doctor who had come out to give them the first update mentioned a sobering statistic: only around ten percent of people who have a sudden cardiac arrest outside of the hospital survive. Abby’s stomach had nearly emptied right onto the floor when she’d heard that. No matter what, Sam had a long road ahead of him.
“I’m fine, little dove. I can feel his energy here. He’s okay. You just wait and see. The doc is going to come out and tell us this wasn’t like your father. This was just a freak thing.”
“He died in front of me. He died.”
“They got him back, Abby.” Her mom shuffled a deck of cards in her hands, smiling when three fell out on the table in front of her.
“Mom. You heard what the doctor said. Just because they brought him back doesn’t mean there won’t be complications. John did CPR, but we don’t know if he was deprived of oxygen for too long, or if there was permanent damage to his heart. Just because they got his heart back doesn’t mean he’s coming home with us soon. If at all. And for the love of God, please put those stupid cards away!”
Embarrassment burned Abby’s cheeks. John had called his parents on the ride up, and they’d gotten into their car and made the trip to be with her mom, too. It was so sweet of them, but now she was wishing they hadn’t. Her mom was too eccentric, especially during stressful situations. Abby found it surprising that her mother didn’t hysterically laugh or try to pull Nellie and Tom into a tarot reading of their own.
“The cards are telling me he’s going to be okay.”
“Why didn’t they tell you this was going to happen? Why didn’t they show you he needed to see a specialist because of what happened to Dad like I’ve been begging him to do for months? Can you please just be normal for this one moment?” Her voice was louder than she meant for it to be and several faces in the waiting room turned towards her.
“So like your father,” she whispered. “Abby, I’m sorry you don’t like this part of me. But this is who I am. It’s taken fifty-six years to be comfortable with myself, and I will not change now because I don’t conform to your ideas of how a mom should be. I love you so much, but I also love myself. It’s all going to be okay.”
“Your hippie-dippy bullshit doesn’t know that Sam’s going to be okay. My brother is in there, probably dying, and you don’t care! He’s worked himself into the ground to keep Dad’s legacy going and what have you done? Planted a vegetable garden and consulted your crystals?”
“I care?—”
“Let’s take a walk.” John pressed his hand into the small of Abby’s back, breaking the rage bubbling up in her stomach. She felt awful as she watched Nellie sit next to her mom and hold her hand as they walked away.
She couldn’t say anything. Out in the hallway, John stopped and pulled her into a hug.
“We need to get something to eat,” he said after they’d taken a few breaths together.
“I can’t eat. I feel sick.” She rubbed at her temples, the dull ache growing more prominent with each passing moment.
“Then let’s get you some ginger ale and maybe some crackers. You can’t stop taking care of yourself. The last thing you need on top of all this is for a migraine to start.”
“I know you’re right. And I know I’m being a bitch. I just don’t understand why she’s not upset. How the hell did she stay so calm on the ride up here? It’s like she doesn’t understand what really happened. Why is she in there thinking some stupid paper cards are actually telling her the fate of her son!”
“They aren’t stupid cards to her, Abby. She’s finding comfort in something during probably the most stressful time in her life. Losing your father was terrible, but Sam is her child. The pain from that… I can’t imagine I’d be coping at all. You could give her just a little more grace.”
Abby batted away the tear that was filling her vision. “You should go be with Katy. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking. Did you call Jackson?”
“I called them when you and your mom were getting the first update. Katy is fine, and she’s excited about spending the night there. I’m not going anywhere, Abby, except to get you that soda and some crackers.”
“I want to go with you, but I don’t want to in case…”
“In case the doctor comes to give an update?”
“Right.”
“Okay. I’ll go to the cafeteria. Maybe it’s better if you sit out here and wait for me to come back. It’ll give you a little time to cool down from your mom.”
Abby sank down into the chair. “You’re right. I know I’m being ridiculous, I just… I haven’t been in a hospital since…”
John dropped onto his haunches, placing his hands on Abby’s hips. “Baby, I didn’t even think of that. Of course, being here is going to be upsetting for more than just what’s going on with Sam. That’s why you didn’t want to go to the hospital with your migraine? Or after the night at the bar?”
She nodded, hating herself for being so weak.
“I should have realized you were struggling with that. And now, on top of everything that happened with Sam. If you need a break, if you need to get out of here, just tell me and we’ll go.”
“I’m really fine. I don’t know why it’s all hitting me right now. I just remember the way the room smelled when I woke up. Antiseptic and overwhelmingly clean. I smell it now.”
“That’s why you’re nauseous.” It wasn’t a question. He understood.
Her adrenaline was wearing off. That familiar sensation of her stomach flipping, paired with the watering in her mouth, told her she was about to be sick. She pulled his hand off her leg, immediately missing the soothing effect his touch had on her.
“Excuse me.” Abby got up from her chair, her eyes frantically searching for a bathroom sign or a trash can. She spotted the illuminated sign two seconds later, and not a moment too soon as she began gagging.
“Abby?” John called after her, but there wasn’t time.
Her hands hit against the door, legs burning as they worked to get her to the toilet. Slamming her knees onto the tile floor, Abby’s stomach cramped as she emptied its contents.
Somewhere in the back of her mind, she heard the door swinging open and the faucet being turned on, but she was too lost to the painful spasms to worry about whoever had to hear her get sick.
That was, until her hair lifted off her neck, and a cold cloth was placed across her overheated skin. A familiar hand landed on her back and steadied her.
“Just breathe, baby. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.” John crooned those words over and over again into her ear until her sobs quieted. She turned, burying her face in his chest as her arms wrapped around him.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking weak, and I hate it! I hate that I can’t be here without completely falling apart and making it about what I went through. What selfish bitch does that?”
“Stop. You are not weak. You are so incredibly strong, and I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were struggling.”
“I am. I’m losing it!” Her laugh bordered on hysterical. “I’m in this fucking bathroom, puking my guts out because I can’t stand the smell of some industrial cleaner? Because the fluorescent lights are making me want to scratch my skin off?”
“Stop. Right now. You need to stop saying those things about yourself because you are the strongest woman I know.”
“You literally saved Sam’s life and drove me here while keeping me from falling apart. You’re taking care of me now when you should be at home with Katy.”
He didn’t respond, but from the look in his eyes, she could tell he still felt guilty.
“Are you still feeling sick?”
She shook her head, reaching behind to pull the wet towel off her neck. She ran it over her forehead and down her chest. The cold had faded, but it still helped ground her.
“Come on.” He cleared his voice as he stood up behind her. Abby expected John to help her stand, too. Instead, he slipped his arms under her legs and behind her back, lifting her.
“You don’t have to carry me.”
“Yes, I do.” His voice was tight, and she could tell he was also struggling. So she did her best not to protest and wrapped her arms around his neck. When he turned away from the waiting room and towards the large doors they walked through together earlier, her body went stiff.
“Where are we going?”
“I think we need some fresh air. To sit out under the sky for a few minutes and just breathe.”
“But what if they come to update about Sam?”
“Your mom can talk to them. Either way, the news isn’t going to change if we are there or not.”
“But I should be there with her. If it’s bad, she’s going to fall apart.”
“My parents are there. They’ll help.”
John walked them to one of the benches in the courtyard of the hospital, the sun hiding behind the stormy clouds.
“I think it’s going to rain soon.”
“Maybe. We’ll go back inside if it starts to.”
“I’m really scared, John.”
“Me too, baby.”
“What if he doesn’t wake up?”
“I’m with your mom. He made it this far. He beat the odds. Sam is stubborn, just like you told me your dad was. Maybe he’s looking down right now and having a little hand in making sure Sam stays.”
“I really hope so.”
They sat silently together as her mind wandered through all the possible outcomes for her brother.
“Maybe you should go home,” Abby whispered.
“Not happening.”
“But I’m acting like a lunatic. I’m falling apart. I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Tough shit.”
Her head popped off his chest. “Excuse me?”
“You heard what I said. Tough shit. I’m not going anywhere. You think what just happened was bad? That you were being crazy?” She nodded while he shook his head. “Abby, that was nothing. I’d stand by a million of those scenes every goddamn day if I had to. You were just releasing all the stress from the day. And all the stuff you’ve been holding inside, all the things you haven’t been able to work through yet, they just sort of bubbled out, too. You think I can’t handle that?”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“Alright, baby. Look, I’m not making any decisions today, and neither should you. You’re forgetting that you’re my person. Done and dusted. I’m hooked. Addicted to you if you will. I’ve been bitten by the love snake and you’re the only antidote.”
“Please stop,” she laughed through her tears.
“Oh, but I had a really good one about where I needed you to suck the venom from…”
“John!”
He nuzzled his face into her neck. “Feeling better?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Now close your eyes and just breathe for a couple of minutes, okay?”
She nodded in agreement as she allowed her body to relax into his.