Chapter 2
“It was like I couldn’t breathe. I think it was a panic attack. You know I’ve always had a bit of anxiety, but nothing like this,” Jolie explained to Addison as they sat in her doctor’s office.
Addison was her best friend. She was also a doctor.
They’d roomed in college and there was no one else she’d be comfortable going to about this. She’d learned that the more famous you became, the fewer people you could trust.
And it wasn’t like she was even that famous. Brand and his group were the ones everyone wanted to talk to. Wanted to mingle with.
A stab of guilt and longing filled her.
When she’d first met Brand, she’d thought that he was a real jerk. It had been obvious that he didn’t like her… and hadn’t been happy about The Raging Misfits coming on tour.
Yeah, she’d had no experience with touring, but in no way had she taken the opportunity for granted.
She’d worked harder than anyone else these past five months. She’d barely even slept. At first, it was because she was so wired. Relaxing on tour was almost impossible.
And now… she didn’t know what was going on, but sleeping had become impossible.
Last night, though, Brand had been different. Sure, he’d seemed irritated in the beginning, and she couldn’t blame him for that. She was a total fuck up.
Running away and hiding? Who freaking did that?
And then he’d had to spend his time hunting her down… yeah, she didn’t blame him for being angry.
She’d expected that.
What she hadn’t expected was for him to also be… kind.
Well, as kind as she thought Brand got.
It had been unsettling the way he’d stood up for her, getting between her and Mikey.
Mikey was a decent guy, but he was also a businessman. Last night, she’d really messed things up. And not just for her.
Shit.
This wasn’t helping her anxiety at all.
Please don’t let Mikey punish the band just because I’m a mess.
“Jolie?” Addison asked gently. “Are you all right?”
“I really messed up, Addie. What if we get fired? I could have ruined the guys’ careers!”
“Hey. You didn’t ruin everything.”
“You don’t know that. I was hiding in a freaking closet. Brand had to come find me. He’s got far more important things to do than chase around after me. I feel really bad. Perhaps I should send him a muffin basket.”
He had to be so annoyed with her.
It was part of the reason she’d left last night after her set instead of waiting to talk to him.
She hadn’t wanted to see the disappointment and anger on his face. Sure, he’d defended her to Mikey; he’d been nice to her. At times. However, after having some time to think, she’d come to the conclusion that he’d only been kind in order to get her out onto the stage.
“I don’t think I’m going to like what’s going on in your head, am I?” Addison asked. “You are not to blame for everything that goes wrong, Jolie. Knowing you, you’ve been running yourself ragged for the last five months. You can’t keep pushing yourself like this. Of course your body is going to protest, eventually. And no, I wouldn’t send him a muffin basket.”
“You think I’m just tired?” All right, she’d get some sleep. Relax. “I just need some rest.” She still thought the muffin basket was a good idea, though.
Addison sighed. “That definitely wouldn’t hurt. But I think it could be more than that. I’ll run some blood tests, but I think I know what’s going on. Jolie, I think you might be burned out.”
“What? How can I be burned out? We’ve been on tour for five months. That’s impossible.”
“No, it’s not,” Addison told her. “Not when you work as hard as I know you do. You have to start taking care of yourself better.”
“I take care of myself fine.”
Liar.
The look that Addison gave her told her that she was thinking the same thing.
Drat.
Maybe having a doctor who knew her so well wasn’t a good idea.
“I think you felt ill at the idea of picking up your guitar because you need a break. A real break. Not one where you spend your time practicing and rehearsing. Are you still running every day?”
“Um, yeah.” Sometimes it felt like the only thing keeping her sane. The only time she could clear her mind was when she was running.
“Don’t push yourself too hard, you could injure yourself. You’ve lost weight. I don’t need to tell you that you didn’t have it to lose. Do I?”
“Addie, don’t get all doctor on me.”
“I am your doctor,” Addie replied. “I think you need to destress entirely. Maybe… maybe let someone else take control for a while so you can rest.”
For some reason, an image of Brand filled her mind.
Lord. What was wrong with her? Brand wasn’t interested in her. And even though he gave off Dom vibes, she didn’t know if he was into that. He certainly didn’t seem like a Daddy Dom.
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“Have you been to the club since you went on tour?” Addie asked.
“No. And you know I can’t go back.” She twisted her fingers together. It would hurt too much to see Keith with Letty.
“What Keith and Letty did to you was shitty,” Addie said with a glower. “I still think you should have let me knee him in the balls.”
“While that would have been fun, you would have gotten kicked out of the club.”
“They’re the ones who should have lost their memberships,” Addie said. “You shouldn’t feel like you have to stay away. You need this, Jolie.”
“I don’t. I’m doing just fine on my own. Taking care of myself.”
Addie gave her a skeptical look.
Which she totally deserved… because, hello! She was here because she’d been hiding on a shelf for fuck’s sake.
“I’m not right in the head, Addie.”
“Don’t speak like that. There is nothing wrong with you that a holiday and a caring, firm Daddy with a good spanking hand won’t fix.”
“Hey! I don’t need a spanking!”
“You forget who you’re talking to,” Addie told her. “I know you. And you definitely need a spanking. You know self-care is important, Jolie. And for you, that includes being able to let go… to let someone else take control. Being a Little is part of who you are and it’s special. You’re special. You’re kind and sweet and caring. Amazing.”
Right. And Keith had still cheated on her with Letty. So she couldn’t be that wonderful.
Stop. It.
“You really think I’m just burned out?” she asked, ignoring the other stuff.
It hurt too fucking much.
And she couldn’t let her Little out. When would she do that? While on the bus with the guys? Just pull out her coloring books? Or her stickers?
She hadn’t brought any of her Little stuff on tour. She hadn’t wanted to risk anyone finding it. Not even the smallest of her stuffed toys. Now, all of her stuff was in boxes in Addie’s garage. Including her stuffies.
She hoped they were all right. She needed to go find them, bring them into the house.
“I think that’s part of it.”
“All right. Good. So, I’ll get some rest and everything will be okie-dokie.”
“It’s not that simple.” Addison shook her head. “Burn out can be serious. Look, I have an idea, and I’m not sure you’re going to like it.”
“What is it?” she asked suspiciously.
“There’s a place I’ve heard of that I think might be good for you. A place you can go and get what you need.”
“You’re kicking me out?” She attempted to make her tone light, but there was a part of her that worried Addie was doing just that.
Was she sick of her? She’d taken over Addie’s garage with her stuff. She’d said it was fine, but what if it wasn’t?
Without Addison, what did she have?
“Jolie, stop,” Addison said firmly.
Jolie’s eyes widened. “What?”
“I know you’ve got a lot of negative thoughts in your head. You know that sleep and good nutrition are key to keeping your head in the right space and controlling your anxiety. I could fucking kill Keith.”
“Everything that’s wrong with me isn’t Keith’s fault. And let’s face it, I was a lot to deal with. Can’t blame him for wanting someone easier.”
“I can fucking blame him,” Addie replied. “And there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“You have to say that.”
“I mean it.”
Yeah. Jolie couldn’t believe it, though. “So, what’s this place called?”
“Rawhide Ranch. And it’s in Montana.”
“A ranch? I like cowboy boots, but that doesn’t mean I need to learn to ride horses or hang out with cowboys. Although… cowboys are hot.”
“They sure are.” Addison grinned. “But this isn’t that sort of ranch. Okay, that’s wrong. I’ve seen some pictures and there are definitely horses on it. But… Rawhide Ranch is kind of different. It’s a safe place for Littles and subs to stay.”
“What? Really?” she asked.
“Yes. You can go as a guest or even stay there for longer and attend university.”
“I don’t… I don’t want some strangers topping me,” Jolie said.
“Look, I’m not saying you have to participate in anything. But there are lots of Little activities you can take part in if you want to. Or you can just go and eat and swim and relax.”
“I can do that anywhere.”
“But at Rawhide, you’ll be safe. And if you want to let your Little out, you can without anyone judging you. I have a pamphlet if you want to read it. Like I said, I know someone who actually used to work there, and it changed their life. They met their own Daddy and they are so happy. I want that for you. She said that the owner is very protective of the Littles on the Ranch. Ivy also said he’s a bit of a matchmaker.”
She shot Addie a look. “I’m on tour. I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Again, Brand popped into her head.
Idiot.
No doubt he wasn’t thinking about her. Unless it was to curse her name.
“Please think about it,” Addie implored. “I’m worried about you. As your friend and as your doctor.”
“It’s short notice. They’re probably full.”
“Nope. I’ve already called and reserved you a room,” Addie told her.
“You’re so freaking pushy.”
“And the lovely woman I spoke to sent over some forms for you to fill in. I’ve printed them out for you.” Addison handed them over.
“Awesome.” She leaned back in her chair, gripping the pieces of paper.
“So, you want to go throw darts at Keith’s head?” Addison asked.
“I got rid of all the photos of him.”
“Who said anything about a photo?” Addie said.
Jolie grinned. “I like your thinking.”