December 9
Orlando, Florida
Jasmin woke up yesterday morning and realized that he still had no intention of leaving.
She hadn’t known if it was because he couldn’t bring himself to leave her, or if he was simply procrastinating, delaying the moment when he would have to face the death of his best friend.
His reasoning seemed to be a mixture of the two.
She didn’t want the trip to end, but she felt like she needed to force it because he was quite content to stay at the hotel forever.
She’d offered to drive him to Florida and, once again, he abruptly declined.
After an hour long argument, she finally managed to convince him to get into the car with her and their six hour journey began.
He was okay at first, but as soon as they drove past the Welcome to Florida sign, he changed.
Whatever he’d been trying to avoid became real and the gravity of what he needed to do hit him all at once.
He was edgy and restless and distant, so different to the Kevin she had seen for the past two weeks.
All the pain he’d kept locked away began to resurface.
After last night, she understood why he said he wanted to do this alone. He’d wanted their last days together to be filled with happy memories and this was anything but happy.
He was facing demons in his mind and he wanted her to have no part in it.
He refused to open up. Instead, he’d just sat by the motel window, staring outside like he was waiting for someone.
Every now and then she’d heard a deep sigh or a heart-wrenching sniffle and it killed her to know that he was carrying all that hurt by himself.
He wouldn’t let her comfort him; in fact, he didn’t want to be anywhere near her.
She didn’t know if he did eventually get some sleep.
All she knew was that last night was the first night since Texas that she’d gone to bed alone.
This morning was no different. No kisses.
No cuddles. She barely got a greeting out of him.
And it didn’t help that his mom had called to tell him that Perry’s mother had been admitted into the hospital.
Depression finally took its toll on her.
His mother told him that Momma B was barely eating, not drinking any fluids and was rushed to hospital after she collapsed that morning.
That call pushed him over the edge. After that he became someone Jasmin didn’t recognize at all. She’d become accustomed to his moods, but he wasn’t just cold and distant. He was a zombie, eyes glazed over and emotionless, completely dead inside.
At that diner in Holbrook, when she’d first offered to take him to Florida, she’d envisioned that a trip to this state would be fun, but this was not fun.
It was tense and loaded. The drive to Disney World wound him up even tighter and by the time they got out of the car, it looked like his nerves were frayed.
“You can leave me here,” he said curtly as they walked through the parking lot to the entrance of the park.
“Kevin, I can’t just leave you here.”
His jaw clenched and it looked like it took an insane amount of restraint for him to not snap at her. He said nothing, but quickened his pace and stayed a few steps ahead of her.
Once they were inside the park, he only became more anxious and aggravated.
He didn’t seem to care about anything around him.
The rides, the excited children, their favorite Disney characters who waved as they walked by.
There was only one thing he was focused on.
He was determined to find Ariel, and Jasmin assumed that it was something Perry had wanted.
After a forty-five minute trek through the park, they finally found her and it took another ten minutes before the kids around her dispersed. Kevin approached her as soon as she was alone.
“Hi.” His voice faltered just getting a two letter word out. “Can I take a picture of you?”
Although the woman put on her friendliest smile, she must have seen something on his face because wariness showed in her eyes. “Sure.”
He reached into his pocket and took out the dog-tag chain that was identical to the one he wore. “Just hold this.”
He didn’t seem to realize that he was holding on so tight and it took a few tugs from Ariel before he finally loosened his grip.
It was over in a matter of seconds. He took the picture on his phone, yanked the chain out of her hand, and started walking towards the exit.
Jasmin scampered after him as he ploughed through the masses to get out of there as fast as possible.
When they reached the parking lot again, she noticed that he wasn’t heading towards the car and she grabbed his arm to stop him.
“Kevin, slow down. Tell me where you’re going.”
He kept his eyes on the ground when he answered. “I need…I need to get out of here. You go. Just leave me here. I’ll find a way—”
“I told you I’m not leaving you here.”
“Fuck, Jasmin! Just go!”
She grabbed both his hands and squeezed them tightly.
“Do you realize you didn’t even take your bags out of the car?
You’re not thinking straight and I’m not gonna leave you like this.
So calm down and tell me where you want to go.
I’ll take you wherever you want. You want to get on a bus, I’ll drop you off at the station.
Anywhere you want, Kevin, but I’m not going to leave you stranded, okay? ”
He was silent for a long time, weighing all his options and he still didn’t look up when he answered. “Can we find a quiet beach somewhere?”
She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, feeling equally worried and relieved at the same time. “Okay.”
* * * * *
Kevin felt like his entire body was losing functionality as Jasmin slowed down the car and pulled over on the side of the road.
It wasn’t easy to find a secluded beach and eventually she had stopped at a gas station to ask one of the locals.
They’d driven for over an hour and a half in silence to get to this beach and as he looked out the window, he could see that it wasn’t deserted, but quiet enough for him to say his final goodbye to Perry.
“Pop the trunk,” he said softly as he opened the door.
“Kevin, you don’t—”
He already knew this was going to be an argument about her not leaving him in the middle of nowhere and he immediately cut her off. “Jasmin, I already told you that this is something I need to do alone. You shouldn’t be here and I want you to leave.”
He got out of the car and walked to the back. She met him there and opened the trunk for him to get out his duffel bags.
After a loaded breath, she closed the trunk and turned to him, but he kept his eyes on the ground.
“Can I…at least call you…sometime?” she asked.
“I-I deleted my number from your phone last night.”
That statement shocked her because she was quiet for a few beats. She tilted her head to the right and then the left, trying to get him to make eye contact, but he continued to stare at the ground.
“We agreed…that nothing would come after this road trip. You’re flying back to Chicago after Christmas. You’re starting a new job, a new life. There’s no point in dragging any of this out. Let’s just cut ties and end it here.”
“Is that really what you want?”
No, that wasn’t what he wanted, but that’s how it needed to be. “Yes.”
“Why won’t you look at me when you say that?”
“Because I can’t.”
He wasn’t lying. He couldn’t look at her.
His eyes were begging for mercy. They had seen too much already.
They had seen Clayton’s broken, mangled legs.
They had seen Perry fly through the windshield.
They had seen the look of desperation when Perry asked him to search for Shandré and then they’d seen his best friend draw in his last breath.
After all his eyes had seen, Kevin couldn’t put them through the added torture of watching her walk away.
His eyes weren’t the only body part malfunctioning at that moment.
He wanted to kiss her goodbye, but if he did, he knew his lips wouldn’t be able to stop.
He wanted to hold her, but he knew his arms would probably never let her go.
He just needed to keep himself cold, keep himself together because if she didn’t leave soon, he was going to have a breakdown.
“Just go, Jasmin…Go and don’t look back.”
She didn’t argue this time. Lifting herself onto her toes, she held his face and placed a long kiss on his cheek. He shut his eyes and took in a deep breath, inhaling her strawberry scent one more time, memorizing the feel of her lips on his skin.
“Goodbye, Kevin,” she whispered and with that she slowly moved to the front of her car. He watched her get in and that was about all he could take before he turned away.
This was turning out to be a pretty shitty day, a day filled with goodbyes.
He waited until he heard the car start up before he headed up the long path towards the beach.
He dropped his bags near a small rock and took a deep breath of the salty air.
Heavy, gray clouds were rolling in overhead, shielding him from the afternoon sun, and the temperature seemed to be dropping.
His feet sank into the soft sand, covering his sneakers as he walked further along.
He passed families splashing in the water, a few couples cuddling on the sand, and he carried on walking until he could see no one else around him, hear nothing but the waves crashing against the shore.
Thirty-five days on the road.
Thirteen different states.
Cheap junk food and one home-cooked meal.
The best and worst hotels and motels.
Beautiful scenery and breathtaking views.
A gigantic fucking spider.
Big cities and small towns.
Early mornings and sleepless nights.
Meeting new people and opening up old wounds.
Tears and laughter.
Happiness and pain.
Falling in love with Jasmin.