December 20
Great Falls, Montana
One more bridge to cross, Kevin thought as he walked towards the door.
One more hurdle to face and then hopefully he could finally start accepting the tragedy that had happened.
Going over to Claire’s house last night only proved that there was nothing he could do to distract himself from his inner turmoil.
He knocked on the door and it didn’t take long before a pretty middle-aged woman opened it.
She looked apprehensive, but still greeted him with a smile. “Hi, Kevin.”
“Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Clayton here?”
She gave a wary smile as she shifted to the side and allowed him to enter. “He’s in his room.”
Kevin slowly made his way down the long hallway to Clayton’s room.
He exhaled a deep breath when he reached the door, uncertain of what to expect.
Just seeing the back of Clayton’s wheelchair made him want to turn his head the other way.
Taking responsibility wasn’t easy. The ripple effect of the destruction he’d caused extended so far beyond that one night.
Peoples’ lives had changed irreversibly.
The consequences for them would last forever and owning up to that was soul-destroying, especially because his life hadn’t changed at all.
Kevin tapped on the door before anxiously stuffing his hands in his pocket. “Hey, Clay,” he said softly.
Clayton turned his wheelchair and shook his head when he saw him. “Prick.”
Kevin cast his eyes to the floor for a second, unable to look at his legs, stumps ending where his knees used to be. “I know.”
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit.”
“What took you so long?” Clayton asked, sounding more annoyed than angry.
“I was busy. Running away. Avoiding everyone. Being a coward. Shit like that tends to take up my entire day.”
“Seems like you need to find a new hobby.”
Kevin snorted out half a laugh before turning serious again.
“Clayton, I don’t expect you to forgive me…
and you can hate me and resent me for the rest of your life…
I deserve that, but I just want you to know that…
” He knew he needed to apologize, yet looking at his legs made an apology seem so insignificant.
How was an apology going to make up for the fact that he couldn’t walk.
The scales were severely out of balance, but an apology was all he had.
Just like with Momma B, he was powerless to give anything more. “I’m sorry.”
Clayton’s eyebrows drew together. “For what?”
“For what I did…I ruined your life.”
“Kevin, you saved my life. I don’t think I would’ve made it until the paramedics got there if you hadn’t told me to keep singing. Every time I started blacking out, I just heard you yelling. That kept me going.”
Hearing that instantly set him off. “Clay, take a good look at yourself. I’m the reason you’re in that chair. I’m to blame for all the shit that’s happened to you and here you are sounding like you’re grateful.”
“I am,” he replied solemnly. “I’m grateful that my legs are the only things I lost. It was an accident and you’re the reason I came out of it alive.
The only person who blames you for what happened is you.
I don’t resent you. Am I mad? Yeah. I’m pissed off.
I’m so angry at you. You left me in the lurch to deal with this by myself.
” He sneered, shaking his head and Kevin could see that he had a lot of pent-up aggression he needed to let go of.
“If you think it was easy for me to get to this point, it wasn’t.
The recovery wasn’t easy. Learning to live without my legs wasn’t easy.
Coming to terms with Perry and Shandré’s death wasn’t easy.
I was depressed for months and there were days I just needed someone to talk to, someone who knew what I was going through.
You were the only one who understood and you weren’t there.
It would’ve been really nice to have a friend, but you were too selfish to care about anyone else. That’s what you need to apologize for.”
Kevin’s response was immediate. “I’m sorry. I fucked up in so many ways. And you’re right. I’m a selfish prick. I shouldn’t have left you to go through it alone. I should’ve been there and—”
“Well, you’re here now.” Clayton rolled to the other side of his room and grabbed a jacket. “Let’s go to the Barber Shop.”
* * * * *
Rose’s eyes brimmed with tears as she took note of the two empty seats at their table, but she forced a smile. “What can I get you boys today?” she asked pleasantly.
“Nothing for me, thanks, Rose,” Kevin replied.
“I’ll have a hot chocolate.” Clayton waited for her to leave before resting both arms on the table.
“So I’m getting prosthetics soon, gonna learn how to walk again.
I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and I think it’s time I take control of my life.
” He glanced up at Kevin then. “And…I think we should go back to class next semester.”
Kevin shrugged. He’d been hell-bent on destroying everything good in his life for so long that the thought of doing something positive was unnerving.
“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” He sat forward as well, pondering the question for a long time before he asked it.
“How did you do it, Clay? How did you get over it?”
“I didn’t get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
They were such a big part of my daily life that living without them…
Kev, I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you.
” He paused for a minute as those words hung in the air.
“I needed to find a way to move on and I realized that wallowing in depression can’t change the past and if I didn’t make an active effort to move past it, it would ruin my future as well.
Being depressed is a waste of time, especially when there are so many things to be grateful for.
I mean, fuck, my dick still works. What more do I need? And I can still last all night.”
Kevin laughed, shaking his head. “And who’s the lucky girl for the week?”
“Not a week.” He gave a smile that was somewhere between nervous and…shy. “I’ve been seeing her for two months now.”
Kevin was intrigued by that because Clayton’s track record with women was worse than his. “Really?”
“Yeah. She came to see me when I was in the hospital. I was depressed and angry, but she helped me through that, never allowed me to give up. She lifted my spirits, gave me that little bit of…hope.” He flashed another smile and Kevin pieced it together immediately.
“You and Hope?” he asked in disbelief.
“Yeah. I like her. I really like her, Kev.” Clayton paused and eyed him warily. “Does it make you feel weird?”
“No…Does it make you feel weird?”
“No. I’m no saint, so I don’t care about her past. She was there for me when I needed someone the most. That’s all I care about.”
That one sentence made the guilt come flooding back. Not just because he’d deserted Clayton when he needed a friend, but because that was what Jasmin had been to him. She’d been there when he needed someone, trying to help him through his grief and he just wouldn’t let her.
“Are you okay?” Clayton asked, obviously noticing the dip in his mood.
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah.” For once he didn’t feel the need to close up. He wanted to get all of it out of his system. “So I decided to go to Florida…and I met this girl…”
He told Clayton about his trip across the country, telling him every detail about Jasmin.
The way they met. The tension, the fights, the playful comments.
He left nothing out, told him everything about this amazing girl, how she made him laugh despite the melancholy living within him.
Her weird jokes, her penis envy, her strength that shone through her vulnerability.
But then he got to the point in the story where everything fell apart.
He told him about the argument they’d had on their last day together and all the disgusting things he’d said.
Clayton’s eyes were wide and he shook his head with disappointment. “Why would you do that?” he asked, sounding completely exasperated. “You’re such a jerk!”
“I know…and I wish I could take it all back. I…I miss her so much, Clayton…but the things I said to her…I knew what her mother did and I still made her feel like she meant nothing to me. I fucked up so bad…She’ll never forgive me.”
“So dumb, Kev! What? Were you just scared of falling in love with her?”
“That’s a stupid question,” Kevin replied with a shaky sigh.
“It’s like asking me if I’m scared the sun will rise tomorrow.
You can’t fear the inevitable. I’m not scared of falling for her.
In fact, I’m already so deep in it, I can’t get out.
I went to see Claire yesterday…I don’t know why I did it.
I just wanted to stop thinking about her.
I get there, sneak in through her window like I always do…
Claire’s already ready and waiting for me, but it’s like I don’t even see her because I can’t get Jasmin out of my head.
She tried to kiss me and I felt like I was cheating…
I turned and went straight back out the window.
How fucked up is that?” He stared down at the table.
“So now Claire’s pissed and I guess I should be used to it by now.
I keep messing up everything. I’ve somehow managed to hurt every woman in my life.
As I fix one thing, I break something else. ”
Clayton nodded, but wasn’t done probing. “You still haven’t told me why you did it.”
Instead of answering, Kevin took out his phone and showed him the article he had bookmarked. “This is Jasmin.”
Clayton took it from his hand, then looked from him to the phone to him again. “She doesn’t look like your type.”
“She isn’t. Read the article.”
“Wow!” he said as his eyes flicked across the screen. “She’s even won a tae-kwon-do tournament. Is there anything this girl can’t do?”
“She can’t park…but that’s about it.”
“I think I understand now. You think you’re not good enough for her.”
That was only part of the reason, but Kevin nodded anyway. “I’m not.”
He handed back the phone and shrugged. “Kev, the solution to your problem is easy. Just be a better man. You know what she needs, so give it to her. You want her to forgive you, apologize. You want her to have a man she can rely on, be that man. You want her to be happy, stop hurting her. It’s that simple. ”
He took a few moments and allowed that advice to sink in.
Clayton was right, but it wasn’t that simple.
It was too late now. She was happy without him and for once in his life he didn’t want to be selfish.
She was moving on and he wasn’t going to hold her back.
Staying out of her life was the best thing he could do for her.