Chapter twenty-two #2
When the door closed behind them, Spencer spun her around, sank his fingers through her hair and kissed her.
In what felt like the next beat of her heart, they were both naked on her bed, her wrists held in one of his hands as he kissed and nipped his way down her body.
Neither spoke as their skin slid against each other, as their hands touched and danced over the other’s bodies.
And when he finally entered her, desperation and need twisted and coiled, fueled by his confidence, fed the connection between them.
A connection so taut with trust, with desire, with hope that as one, they cried out the other’s name when their release crashed through their bodies, echoing through each other, leaving them both shaken and well sated.
Pleasure still hummed through Amber’s body when Spencer returned from the bathroom and gathered her in his arms. Tucking her head in the space below his shoulder, she wrapped an arm around his torso. His lips touched her head, and his fingers combed through her hair.
“Did you have a good catch-up with Daphne?” he asked, his voice muted in the darkness.
She didn’t want to leave this moment of peace, but tomorrow would be busy and she might not have a chance to talk with him.
And she didn’t want to put off the subject too long.
She and anxiety were well acquainted and no doubt, whatever stories and catastrophes her mind started spinning about how complicated their future might be would be way worse than anything they’d talk about.
“We did. I don’t know how to do all this, Spencer,” she said. “I don’t know how to make it work.”
His body tensed under her.
“Make what work, exactly?” he said, his voice no longer sated and warm.
She shifted, raising her head to look at him. In the dark, his green eyes held a wary shadow. She replayed what she’d said, wondering what put that look there, then frowned.
“I started that conversation midway through the one happening in my head,” she said.
“I don’t know what that means, Amber.” His fingers stopped moving.
“It means that in my head, we’d already started a conversation about how we’re going to navigate my new job and Zoe and all the changes we need to consider. In my head, I’d reached the point where I admitted that I didn’t know how to make it all work for us and I’m hoping you have some ideas.”
He studied her, his eyes flashing in the dim light filtering in through the window. “Ideas on how we can plan a future together? One that includes us, your new job in Napa, and a baby?”
She nodded.
“That’s what you want?”
A flash of pain squeezed her. “It is,” she said. “It’s definitely what I want. But I don’t know how we can make it work. I know we’ll find a way. Assuming you want to—”
“I hope I made it clear earlier that I want to.”
The stillness of his body told her how important this was to him, how important it was for her to believe him.
“You did,” she said, her voice soft, but certain.
“And I do, too. I know we’ll figure it out.
I believe that. But I need us to talk about it.
Our life together may not be easy. I’m guessing there will be days when it’s going to feel incredibly hard.
But if we’re on the same page, we can make it work.
We have to talk about it, though. Not just the logistics, but how we feel. ”
His eyes narrowed, but she saw a glint of humor in them.
“I’m not always so good on the feelings stuff.
Being a guy, and one raised in a way that didn’t allow for any emotions at all, then going into the army, well, it’s not that I don’t have them, but talking about them is a different matter.
” His gaze seemed to turn in on itself, so she waited in silence.
His chest rose and fell under her. Eight breaths passed before he spoke again.
“I hear what you’re saying and agree, communication is going to be important.
I want you to work at the inn, not because I want you to work in general, but because I know how much it means to you.
And Zoe, parenting, of course, that priority goes without saying.
I’ll do whatever we need to to make those things happen. ”
She exhaled. “I appreciate that, but this isn’t all about me or even Zoe. You’re a part of this relationship, too, Spencer. Without you, there is no relationship. What you want, what you need, matters, too.”
“You matter. Zoe matters.”
“And what about your brothers and everything you’ve built here? They are your family, too. They are my family. And Zoe’s now. Are you willing to leave Mystery Lake and move to Napa full-time?”
He stilled again, the air around them filling with a wary weight.
She would never ask Spencer to leave Mystery Lake.
Hell, she didn’t want to leave. She meant what she said to Dottie.
She wanted to be part of the family; she wanted Zoe to be a part of it.
But she needed Spencer to voice his needs, too.
“Is that what you want?” he asked.
“I’m asking what you want,” she countered. Panic flashed across his expression. “I’m not asking you to have all the answers,” she said. “Or tell me something you think is the correct answer. But in a perfect world, what would things look like for you?”
“The world isn’t perfect, though.”
“It’s not,” she conceded. “But maybe we can take bits and pieces of both our visions and build on that.” The guarded look in his eye remained steady. “I’m just asking you to try, Spencer. For me, for Zoe, try to picture what you’d like our lives to look like.”
She understood why what she asked was so hard. He’d spent his life intentionally not dreaming about a future. As a child, it was probably the only way he had to protect himself. But for all their sakes, she needed him to try.
“Please,” she whispered.
He blinked and took a shuddering breath. “Picturing it isn’t the problem; saying it out loud is.” The honest trepidation she heard tore at her heart. He trusted her with his heart, but she couldn’t convince him to trust her with his dreams. That, too, was a decision he’d have to come to on his own.
His gaze slid away, but not in avoidance, more as if he didn’t want to see her reaction when he answered. She remained silent, waiting.
“I want it all, Amber,” he said, saying out loud everything he’d been keeping inside his head.
“I’ve thought of little else the past few days.
And like you, I don’t know how to make it work, but I want to.
I want a house together, marriage, if you’re willing to do it again.
If not, I’ll take whatever you are willing to give.
I want to be a father to Zoe, maybe have another baby or two, if the fates align.
I want dirty kitchens and a lawn that needs mowing.
I want drop-offs and pickups and nights we’re too exhausted to do anything more than lie in bed and drift off to sleep while watching some dumb show on TV.
I want Zoe to grow up knowing she’s safe, knowing she has a safety net in both us and my brothers.
And I want you to do whatever work gives you purpose.
If that’s in Napa, we’ll figure it out. If it’s here, we’ll figure that out, too.
Or maybe it’s a combination of the two, I don’t know.
What I do know is that you love what you do, and you’ve worked hard to excel at it.
That’s important to me, but I also think it’s important for Zoe.
It’s important for her to see her mom grab hold of life and live it.
In whatever way makes sense.” He paused, his heart racing under her palms. He took two deep breaths, then his eyes shifted and met hers.
“That’s what I want, Amber. Now what about you? ”