Chapter 19 Ex-Girlfriend
Ex-Girlfriend
Tae
“Kari, what are you doing here?”
“I’m in town for work. I thought while I was here, you and I could talk face-to-face, get some closure. What I didn’t expect
was to find you here with someone else.” Her tone was sharp, the accusation clear. Kari leaned to look behind Tae. But he
blocked her way. He didn’t want a scene.
He held Kari by the elbow and walked her across the street away from the park to his house. He wanted to look back. He wanted
to give Julia an I’m sorry glance. But that would be a dick move along the lines of, oh, almost kissing your childhood crush while the girl you recently
broke up with is standing nearby. He hated leaving Julia behind, though. Heat prickled at his back. He just knew she was watching
them walk away.
Julia.
What was he thinking leaning in to her that way?
He just couldn’t stop himself. He was so swept up into her and her nutty family and their obvious love for each other.
And he wanted her to see him, not as the little brother, not as some dating coach.
But him. As someone . . . possible. He wasn’t crazy, was he?
Could the two of them work, despite being at two totally different places in their lives?
“You should have called,” Tae said.
“I did. You should have checked your messages.” Kari’s eyes drifted back to the park. “Seems you’ve been . . . busy.”
“Julia is an old friend. I’m here because of my family and nothing else.” A couple weeks ago, those words would have been
the truth. But Tae was starting to wonder if maybe there were other reasons for him to stay.
Kari dropped her head and let out a long sigh, the sound of defeat. “I’m sorry. I guess I need a reason, someone to blame,
for us falling apart.”
She lifted her eyes up to meet Tae’s, tears welling. Tae didn’t want to be an asshole, but he couldn’t quite understand why
she was taking this so hard. Or maybe he was the one that was emotionally broken.
“I don’t think we fell apart so much as we just didn’t work, if that makes sense.”
Kari furrowed her brow as if trying to make the math work. “I shouldn’t have come,” she said.
“Why did you come?” Tae wanted to make sure he helped her get the closure she needed. So he had to know what doors she might still
feel were left open.
She shrugged. “I wasn’t ready to give up on us, Tae. I thought maybe if I came by and talked to your parents, they would see
everything you left behind and let you come home. Is it crazy that I wanted to fight for us? To try and make it work?”
The problem was that Kari thought Tae was choosing his family over her. She wasn’t able or willing to make space for them
all. And that was what Tae wanted, to be with someone who had space in their heart for him, his family, her family, her friends,
her business . . .
Tae’s eyes wandered back over to the swings where he had just been. Julia was gone.
His heart sank.
“Kari, trust me when I say that I’m not worth fighting for.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Tae. I think you’re pretty great.”
He wanted to tell her that the man she dated wasn’t the real him at all. It never had been. He’d been a shell of a person
the last couple years, a robot going through the motions, doing the things he thought people expected of him. Could she even
understand that the person she thought Tae was becoming while here in Irvine had been the real him all along?
“I’m sorry. I wish things could be different, that I could be different,” he said.
The pained look on her face pierced his heart. She deserved someone who wanted something serious with her, who loved her,
someone who saw her as their entire world. That someone wasn’t Tae.
“Do you have feelings for—” she swallowed “—that woman? The family friend, the one you were with just now?”
Yes, he thought to himself. The answer felt so clear. But standing here with Kari, his recent past, along with all its failures,
staring him in the face, he was reminded of exactly why he wasn’t in a position to date anyone, and most especially not Julia.
“I can’t be with anyone right now.” Tae meant it. This same issue was going to come up with anyone that needed him in their
life. He didn’t have any extra to give. He had to remember that, or else the next person could get hurt too.
Tae thought about Julia. He would never let himself hurt her. Nothing had changed. Just because he had feelings for her, it
didn’t magically make his own issues he needed to work through go away. He still wasn’t good enough for her, didn’t have enough
to offer her. And he knew it.
Kari and Tae stood there in silence.
She looked broken. Shoulders slumped, head lowered, lips tightened together. Tae gave in and reached his arm out and wrapped it around Kari. She rested her head on his shoulder and started to cry. Fuck. He never wanted to hurt her. He thought they were both done with this.
“C’mon, let’s go inside,” he said. They’d given the neighborhood enough of a show. He looked over his shoulder one last time
at Julia’s. The drapes of their front window shifted and swayed. But as he looked closer, he realized it wasn’t Julia looking
out at them. It was Grandma Song. Great. He’d be the talk of the town by the end of the day.
He opened the door and let them inside.
Kari had a large suitcase with her, and Tae wondered how long she was going to be in town. And then wondered where she was
planning on staying. Because it would definitely not be here at his parents’ house with him.
Tae’s mom surfaced from the kitchen as Tae and Kari took off their shoes. She quickly tried to hide the look of displeased
shock on her face.
“Oh, Kari. You’re here? This is a surprise. I didn’t know you would be visiting,” she said politely. Tae’s mom had never been
a fan of Kari. She thought Kari was all wrong for him. Tae defended her every time, so his mom eventually dropped it. He never
quite trusted that sudden backing-off of his mother’s nagging about his girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Suspicious, for sure. But
to her credit, she was being very friendly now. And Tae appreciated that. No matter that he and Kari were done, he still cared
about her, and well, she was here. He wasn’t going to send her away or be outright inhospitable to her.
“Annyeonghaseyo,” Kari said, bowing in greeting to his mother. “It’s so good to see you again. Have you been well?”
“Yes, yes. We’re all good. It’s been so nice having Tae at home taking care of things. He makes everything better for us and
for the community.”
Kari’s smile was tight, but she was trying. It had always been important to her to impress his mother.
“And Mr. Kim? He’s doing well?”
“Yes, he’s off playing golf right now, but should be home for dinner. He’ll be very surprised to see you.”
“I’m looking forward to it.”
Tae’s mom’s eyes scanned till they reached her suitcase. She looked quickly back at Tae, raising an eyebrow.
“Kari, have a seat,” Tae said, holding his hand out to the sofa. She was here to talk, so now was as good a time as any.
“Dinner is almost ready. Tae you already ate at the Songs’ house with Julia, yes?” Ah, there was his mother. That comment
was not a statement. It was a point.
“I did. But I can always have more.”
She nodded. “I’ll set the table, and we’ll all eat once your father gets home. Kari, will you be joining us for dinner?” Tae’s
mom never asked when it came to dinner. But rather, she insisted. That was another point she was making in her own way.
Tae just shook his head. It wasn’t mean-spirited. It was just her.
“Sure, I’d love to stay for dinner,” Kari replied.
“Good. Well, then, I’ll give you two some privacy.”
Tae led them to the living room and took a seat opposite Kari on the sofa.
“It seems like your dad is doing better,” she said.
“Yeah, he’s a lot better, thank God,” Tae said.
“But you’re not coming back.” It wasn’t a question. Was it that obvious?
Tae shook his head. “I’m just not ready yet. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready. Chicago. It’s not my home. The life I had
there, it’s not the life I want for myself.”
“Look, Tae. I realize we might not have worked out, but I care about you. I’m worried about you. I get it. This is your hometown.
Your family is here. But are you just gonna throw away the life you built? Your job? Your friends? Your future?”
She sounded just like his brother. And probably just like his HR manager. And likely any guidance counselor, online therapist, or tarot card reader who looked at Tae’s life.
“I’m happy here.”
“You were happy in Chicago . . .”
“But I wasn’t, Kari. You didn’t know me well enough to see it. I was depressed and miserable and in a dark place. I needed
to leave for myself and my mental health just as much as my family needed me to come.”
“You were miserable,” she said slowly, as if trying on the words for size. Testing out their exact meaning and how it impacted
her.
“Yes.”
“I made you miserable.” She raised her eyes to meet Tae’s.
“Everything made me miserable. And it was as much about me and stuff going on in my head as it was about anything happening
around me.”
She nodded slowly, processing it all. And Tae was beginning to feel like maybe she was getting it now. He wasn’t going to
say it, but the age old It’s not you, it’s me line was the truth here. Tae went to sit next to Kari, wrapping his arms around her for a hug. A goodbye. At one point he
might have cared for her. But he was a different guy back then.
“Dinner is ready,” his mom called from the kitchen just as his dad came through the garage door. “Dangshin, Kari is here,
from Chicago. Isn’t that a surprise?”
Kari quickly wiped her eyes and stood up to greet Tae’s dad.
“You look so healthy, Mr. Kim.”
“Oh, thank you. Yes, I feel good.”
Kari looked back at Tae. She gave him a small, sad smile and nodded. Maybe seeing his dad helped her to understand. He was
okay now, in remission, not in immediate peril. And yet Tae had no intention of leaving. It finally clicked.
They all sat down to eat. Tae’s mom passed around bowls of rice, and Kari waved her hand to decline.
“I’m on keto,” she said.
“You’re on what-o?” Tae’s mom asked, nose scrunched.
“Keto. I don’t eat rice, bread, pasta, sugar, or legumes.”
“Legumes,” Tae’s dad repeated.
The corners of his mom’s mouth dropped in a frown. No matter what she’d believed about Kari up until this point, keto had
sealed her fate.
Kari was never winning her over.
Lucky thing she no longer had to.
“Well, I hope there’s something here for you to eat. I’d hate for you to be hungry at whatever hotel you’re staying at.”
Point, Mom.