CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
All the way to his apartment, Julian questioned his decision to give the letter to Kiara. He’d considered tossing it after he’d written the first couple of paragraphs, but then he’d felt compelled to get everything out.
In the end, he’d told her about his struggles at the gala and then apologized for the role they’d played in his distraction the previous night. He could have just told her while they were having breakfast, but he’d gotten used to sharing more vulnerable things through letters, not face to face.
So he’d taken the easy way out and written it out rather than say it to her in person.
He wanted to be able to communicate better with her, but while he had no problem with business conversations, personal ones were more challenging.
Over the years, he could count on one hand the number of deeply personal and vulnerable conversations he’d had with people other than his therapist at the treatment center.
The ridiculous thing was that he knew that Kiara would have been supportive. After all, she’d stood at his side as he’d poured his stash of alcohol down the drain. But doing that had made him look strong. Like he wasn’t weakened by temptation.
The gala had been the opposite. There had been too many times when he’d been so close to taking the offered alcoholic drinks. If Anthony hadn’t come alongside him, he wasn’t confident that he wouldn’t have found a way to get a drink.
He wasn’t sure if Kiara would respond, but he spent the day waiting for a text from her. It wasn’t until nearly eight o’clock that night that he got a notification that he’d received an email from her in his personal email inbox.
He tapped to open it, bracing himself for her response to what he’d told her
Dear Julian ~ Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand the stress you were under last night. I just assumed that events like that would be easy for you. I wish I’d realized you were struggling.
Julian wasn’t sure what she could have done. But perhaps if he had been focused on her instead of himself, he could have done something for her. His regret over how he’d abandoned her was huge.
I hope that the week ahead isn’t too stressful for you. I have no idea what board meetings are like, but I imagine they aren’t all fun and games.
I’m glad to be back home. I don’t know if it’s my nesting instinct or what, but being here soothes something inside me. It’s great to be able to walk into the nursery and sit in the rocking chair.
Unbidden, the image of Kiara in the nursery came to his mind, the chair slowly rocking as she rested her hands on her belly, a serene look on her face.
That was home.
He realized that then. It wasn’t his perfectly decorated apartment. Nor the main house on the estate. No, home was the place where Kiara and his son were. Somehow, they had become his home, and Julian wasn’t sure what to do about that revelation.
It’s also beautiful here. Coming to the estate on the helicopter was just gorgeous. All the lovely colors of autumn. I can’t wait to go for a walk and take some pictures.
I’m ready to call it an early night, and I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. Hope you’re enjoying being in your own bed too. Have a good night!
Take care ~ Kiara
Julian relaxed back in his chair and stared out the dark window, taking in the lights of the city around his apartment. He was glad that Kiara had replied, and that she had been so understanding. More understanding than he deserved, if he was honest with himself.
He took a few minutes to send a message back to Kiara, but he didn’t tell her everything that was on his mind. He needed the time to sort through his emotions, something he wasn’t used to doing.
In the past, he’d used alcohol to help him deal with any emotional upheaval. Although maybe “deal” was too strong of a word because what he did was more like ignore the emotions until he’d drunk enough to bury them deep in the recesses of his mind.
Since his sessions with the therapist, he was more aware of the right way to work through difficult emotions. However, his default was still to push them aside, and he was doing that again by not writing about them in his letter to Kiara.
He promised himself that he would talk in depth to her about everything at some point. Just not yet. And not through an email.
The next two weeks were crazy busy, and when Julian climbed aboard the family jet to fly back to Idaho, he was desperate for a few days of downtime.
He followed Duncan and Elizabeth onto the jet, then waited for them to choose their seats before taking one himself.
They had been with him for the past two weeks, first in New York City, and then they’d flown to Dubai to their office there for five days before coming back to New York.
They were all ready for a chance to get over jetlag and unwind.
It wasn’t long before they were in the air, and Tracy, their flight attendant, brought them beverages and offered food. Julian just asked for a cup of coffee, though in the past, he’d usually have had a drink or two on the flight.
Not drinking was still a struggle, especially when he was in situations where he had previously had several drinks. But so far, he’d managed to resist the temptation.
After he finished his cup of coffee, he leaned his seat back, hoping he might be able to sleep. As he closed his eyes, though, his thoughts went to Kiara.
They’d kept in contact over the past two weeks. It hadn’t been quite daily since he’d been tied up a lot. First with the board meetings and then with the trip to Dubai. Her emails to him had been a welcome distraction in his busy days.
Her messages had made it sound like she was doing well, and her latest appointment had confirmed that the baby boy was growing like he should be.
Julian had been a bit surprised when she’d asked him if he wanted to be in the delivery room. It hadn’t even entered his mind that he could be there when the baby was born. It seemed like a very… personal thing.
Of course, he and Kiara had already had a moment that was extremely personal, but he had no memory of that time.
He didn’t feel strongly enough about being in the delivery room to press for something that might be uncomfortable for her. Plus, he was pretty sure that Angie would want to be there with her.
It was hard to believe that in less than a month and a half, he would be a father. He had no idea what that would look like. There probably wasn’t much he could do for the first several months.
The Burkes always had nannies, though Elizabeth had only had one part-time for Benji.
She was definitely a more hands-on parent than he remembered his mom being.
And maybe there was something to be said for that, since Benji had a better relationship with Elizabeth than Julian and the twins had with their mom.
Even though his mind was busy, he eventually drifted off. But it seemed like it was no time at all before Tracy was waking him with a gentle shake.
Blinking, he sat forward and straightened his seat. He ran a hand through his hair, then turned to look out the window. Now that it was well into October, the fall colors were abundant and beautiful.
Once they were on the ground, they transferred to the helicopter. Julian had brought more of his stuff from New York, so he had three large suitcases for them to switch from the jet to the helicopter.
“Ready to go home, Son?” Duncan asked, resting his hand on his shoulder.
Home… Was that what the estate had become? Or was it Kiara and the baby?
“Yep. It’ll be nice to have a break.”
Julian climbed onto the helicopter first, then turned to offer his hand to Elizabeth. Once Duncan and the security team were on board, the pilot started the engine.
The trip to the estate passed quickly, and soon the helicopter was descending toward the helipad. Once they had landed, it was a quick unloading of the helicopter onto the UTVs.
“Will you be at dinner tonight?” Duncan asked as they walked to the edge of the helipad.
“I’m not sure,” Julian said. “I’ll see what Kiara is doing.”
“If not tonight, maybe we can all have dinner together tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.”
Anthony was waiting with one of the UTVs and had his bags all loaded in the back. Julian swung himself into the front seat beside Anthony.
“To Kiara’s?” Anthony asked.
“Yep.”
The drive from the helipad to the house was short. Once there, Julian grabbed one of his suitcases while Anthony took care of the other two.
“Do you want me to carry them to your room?” Anthony asked when they set them down on the porch by the front door.
“I’ll take care of them,” Julian said. “Thanks for the help.”
Anthony gave him a two-fingered salute, then jogged back down to the UTV. After he’d driven away, Julian approached the door. He hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should knock.
In the end, he turned the handle, figuring if it was locked, then he’d knock. The knob turned easily, and the door swung open.
Immediately, he was greeted by the aroma of food. Warmth and spice, and the smell of fresh bread wrapped around him. A tightness he hadn’t even been aware of in his chest loosened.
And when he spotted Kiara in the kitchen, he had a feeling of coming home. Of being home.
“Hi there,” he said as he stepped through the door into the open living space.
“Hey.” Kiara smiled at him as she wiped her hands on a dish towel and came toward him. “How was your trip?”
“Long,” he said. “Even though we had an overnight after our trip from Dubai to New York, it kind of felt like one long journey.”
As she neared him, Julian could see that her belly had grown even more since he’d last seen her. Since he’d given her a hug goodbye in New York, it only seemed natural to give her another hug as a greeting.
Having her in his arms felt right, but the hug was brief. Too brief. Julian wished he could have held her longer. However, he wouldn’t make things awkward by prolonging the contact when she was clearly done with it.