CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE #2
With them both being new to the faith, they’d had several talks about what it meant. They were some of the deepest conversations they’d ever had, and in those moments, Julian felt that they were forging a lasting connection. One that was stronger and deeper than any he’d shared before.
“In years past, I haven’t been very happy to participate in this tradition at Thanksgiving,” Julian said when it was his turn. “So buckle up, because tonight I’m making up for lost time.”
Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except Benji, but Julian didn’t think anything or anyone would get a smile out of his brother.
“First, I want to thank you, Dad.” Duncan’s eyes widened at the name Julian used because it wasn’t something Julian had called him in a lot of years.
“I was so angry with you for forcing me to go to rehab and for telling me I needed to get married. Neither were something I wanted. But in the end, they turned out to be the best things that could have happened to me.” He turned to look at Angela.
“Thank you for forgiving me for what happened. You had every right not to, and yet you did. Thank you. Even though he’s not currently here, I want to say I’m also thankful for Elijah.
Meeting him in rehab was a blessing as he led me to God and has encouraged me to view things in my life through a different lens. ”
He shifted in his chair so he could see Kiara more fully.
“And I want you to know how thankful I am for you. You have been such an encouragement to me as I’ve navigated some uncharted waters, and I’m beyond thankful that you are TJ’s mom.
He might not know it yet, but one day, he’s going to be as thankful that you’re his mom as I am. ”
Kiara’s eyes had widened as he’d talked, and he could see the emotion in them. For a moment, he almost continued talking, but he didn’t need an audience for what else he wanted to share.
“This has been incredible,” Duncan said, reaching over to take Elizabeth’s hand in his. “I am so thankful to have my family all together again. And I’m thankful for the spouses who have joined the family, and of course, our Theodore Julian. His birth is the culmination of a wonderful year.”
There were murmurs of agreement from all present.
Once everyone had shared—including Jude, who had been surprisingly emotional in his brief speech—Elizabeth thanked them all for being there.
Benji took that as signaling the end of the evening and got to his feet. “I’m going to my room. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
Elizabeth’s expression was sad as she watched her son leave the room. “First heartbreak is always so hard.”
Julian wouldn’t know, but there was a chance he’d find out soon if Kiara didn’t feel the same way that he did. Which was why he was still a bit uncertain about sharing everything in his heart, even as he planned to show Kiara that he wanted their marriage to continue.
When TJ started to fuss, Julian turned to Kiara. “Did you want to leave?”
She gently bounced the baby and offered him a pacifier. He took it, but Julian knew from experience that his calmness would only last for a few minutes.
“I think maybe we should go home,” she said.
Julian was happy to agree. He had enjoyed the time with his family, but he also really enjoyed the quiet evening hours with Kiara and TJ.
He got to his feet, then took TJ from Kiara. “I’ll go put him in his car seat.”
There was snow lazily drifting down from the sky as they left the house and got into the UTV. It made Julian even more eager to get home.
~*~
Kiara had no problem going out with TJ, but she was also relieved to get back to the house, especially since TJ was fussing. She would much rather deal with that in the privacy of their home.
Julian carried the car seat from the garage into the house. He put it on the kitchen counter and worked to free the baby from the straps and blanket covering him while Kiara took off her coat and boots.
“Here you go,” Julian said, handing her the baby.
She headed for the bedroom, where she lay TJ on the changing table. When his little face scrunched up, she bent over him to kiss his forehead.
“You’re okay, lovey,” she murmured. “Let’s just change your diaper.”
She’d never thought about how much she’d enjoy being a mother, but she really did. Her love for TJ grew every day, and she couldn’t imagine her life without the little boy.
As she changed TJ’s diaper and put him in a sleeper, Kiara could see bits of her and Julian in him. So far, he favored her in the coloring of his hair and skin. However, his eyes were lighter than hers with a hint of green, and she was pretty sure that he had Julian’s nose. He was beautiful.
His fussing increased to crying by the time she’d finished changing him. She picked him up and went to the chair she used for nursing. He frantically latched on, and she had to force herself to relax.
When Julian came into the room with her water bottle a short time later, he had changed into the pajama pants and T-shirt he usually slept in. He came and set the bottle beside her, then went around to his side of the bed.
This had quickly become her favorite part of the day. TJ nursed longer now, and she was comfortable in her chair. Usually they talked or watched something on TV. That night, the television remained dark, so she assumed they would be talking.
“Have you thought much about the future?” Julian asked from where he was seated on the bed. He was leaning against the headboard, his legs stretched out, ankles crossed.
Kiara’s stomach sank, even though she’d known that this discussion had been coming. Her hope had been that she’d have more than just two weeks following TJ’s birth before the subject of their divorce came up.
She’d told herself that sharing the night hours with him meant nothing more than he was being a supportive co-parent. But it had been hard not to feel that he was also there because he cared about her and wanted to help her.
Things had been going so well that she’d actually begun to hope that maybe there was a chance for them. And now she realized that perhaps she’d made a huge mistake.
“To be honest, I haven’t been too focused on it,” she said slowly. “TJ has kind of taken up most of my thoughts.”
Julian nodded as a small smile crossed his face. “He is pretty demanding for such a little body.”
Kiara looked down at him, lying so peacefully in her arms as he nursed. Unbidden, an image of Julian with another family and TJ there with him came into focus in her mind.
The pain in her heart that followed was intense, and tears stung her eyes.
“Kiara,” Julian said.
She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t let him see the hurt inside her. How could she explain what she was feeling right then?
“Yeah?” She busied herself burping TJ, then transferring him to the other side.
Silence was heavy in the room. He didn’t respond. She didn’t look at him. It felt like a standoff of some sort.
From the corner of her eye, she saw Julian slide off the bed. Her heart sank, thinking he was leaving the room.
Instead, he came to where she sat and sank down on the carpeted floor in front of her, crossing his legs. For a moment, she just stared at his legs, thinking of how it was a position she’d never seen him in before. It was easier to focus on that.
“Kiara. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to figure out where your thoughts might be regarding our future.”
“I didn’t realize that there was any option other than the one we agreed on when we got married.”
“So you still want a divorce?” Julian asked.
Kiara looked up at him then. “I wasn’t aware I had a choice.”
Julian frowned. “What?”
“When we agreed to marry, I understood that divorce was inevitable. You said that that was what we were going to do, so I’ve always assumed that was where we were going to end up.”
“So why are you so emotional now that I want to talk about the future?”
Kiara looked back down at TJ and tried to formulate a response. “I guess I’m just sad that the way things have been for the past two weeks is going to end. It’s been nice parenting TJ together, and I’ll miss that.”
“What if I tell you that I didn’t bring this up in order for us to settle on a date for the divorce?” Julian said.
Kiara focused on him again. “You want to put it off? For how long?”
“I don’t want to put off the divorce,” Julian said. “I want to cancel any plans we had for it. I’m not interested in getting divorced. I know it was my plan when we got married, but a lot has changed over the past several months.”
Kiara couldn’t argue with that, but even if she’d wanted to, she wouldn’t have been able to because he’d left her speechless. And confused.
So he didn’t want a divorce? Where did that leave them? He wasn’t telling her that he loved her, so was this a business type of arrangement?
And if that was the case, was she interested in staying with him under those circumstances? Could she stay, knowing she loved him, when he might view their marriage completely differently?
“So what do you say?” Julian asked, his expression serious. “Would you be willing to turn this from a temporary marriage into a permanent one?”
Though there was still a shadow of hesitancy in her heart, there was a practical side of her that accepted that it would be better for TJ if they stayed married. Julian had proven to be a good man… a good father… and he treated her very well, even though he didn’t love her.
The situation could definitely be worse.
“Yes. I would.”
Julian smiled, his eyes lighting up. He got to his feet, then leaned over to kiss her forehead. TJ let out a squawk, and Kiara lifted the light blanket enough to see that he was no longer latched.
She covered herself, then moved him out from under the blanket.
“Do you want me to burp him?” Julian offered.
“Sure.”
She handed TJ to him, then took a moment to pull herself together before getting up from her chair. While Julian took care of him for a few minutes, Kiara went into the bathroom to get ready for the night.
It took her a little longer than usual to change and do her nighttime routine because she spent a few minutes staring at the mirror, asking herself if she’d made the right decision. But even if it might be better for herself to tell Julian she’d changed her mind, she wouldn’t do it because of TJ.
Because they hadn’t eaten their Thanksgiving dinner until seven, it was already after ten. Kiara had no idea if it was Julian’s normal time to sleep, but he’d gone to bed around this time with her and TJ without comment for the past two weeks.
When she returned to the bedroom, he handed TJ back to her, and she carried him to the change table where she swaddled him. He was already half asleep, so he drifted off quickly as she cradled him close, swaying gently.
Moving slowly, Kiara bent to put him in the bassinet beside the bed. After she’d set him down, she stood by the bassinet, holding her breath and waiting to see if he’d protest. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn’t.
Thankfully, that night, he stayed asleep.
Kiara was uncertain how to react then. She didn’t know if the decision they’d just made would change how things were between them.
However, just like every other night over the past two weeks, Julian turned off the music and the gas fireplace, leaving just the soft glow of the nightlight. He slid beneath the covers on his side as she did on hers.
As silence settled between them, Kiara suddenly felt Julian’s hand take hers, reaching across the empty space between them.
“Goodnight, Kiara,” he said, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.
Tension slid away as Kiara kept hold of his hand. “Goodnight.”