Chapter 24
Petula had not only dared taunt Julian regarding sex, she’d loved doing it.
It just went to show how comfortable she’d become with him, especially now that they’d proclaimed their love for each other.
That mutual declaration had been huge.
Previous to outing their feelings, Petula had worried she was reading too much into Julian’s regard, not having anything before this in her life to base it on, but to know that her instincts had been correct? That made her feel like she wasn’t such a misfit, after all.
It helped, too, knowing Julian appreciated strong females who had minds of their own, as evidence by the esteem in which he held his mother and sisters-in-law.
Petula felt at ease letting her true self shine through which would, unfortunately, be necessary for what had to happen next.
It pissed her off that she came with baggage, but…
There were a couple take-aways from her early abuse that simply couldn’t be ignored.
The first was that she needed a modicum of control over what would occur in the bedroom. She didn’t necessarily want, or have to be in charge, but the amount of authority she ceded to a partner had its limits, and she didn’t like being blindsided by anything.
Petula wasn’t worried too much about that with Julian. He’d already been briefed about her past, and she intrinsically knew he’d give her as much space and time as she needed to make their bedroom trysts untroubled.
What she wasn’t confident about, however, were his thoughts about necessitating that all their sex be done in complete darkness.
Yeah. Total darkness.
That was a hard line for Petula, as it had been with her previous and only two lovers.
She knew it stemmed from the horrid, full bodied, naked “examinations” to which Bradly Sr. and Jr. had subjected her.
And even though she trusted and loved Julian, it gave her the creeps to think of anyone’s eyes focused on her body.
Hopefully, she was worrying about this too much, and he wouldn’t think twice about her vampire-like tendencies when it came to sex.
Julian followed her to his front door, where he moved up behind her, swept her hair out of the way, and kissed the back of her neck.
She shivered, and turned around to face him.
Her face must have shown her concerns, despite trying to disguise them.
Julian stepped back a few inches, his astute gaze on hers.
“Look, Petula. I’m in no hurry. It’s more than okay with me if we don’t do anything other than kiss. And that’s for however long it takes,” he offered. “I’m good. Especially while things are still unsettled regarding your safety.”
She knew he meant with Jefferson stalking her, and she felt that as a shadow, as well.
Julian went on. “I can show you around the house, we can have dinner, then we can just settle on the couch, cuddle, and watch TV or something.”
Petula stiffened her spine.
No. That was not what she wanted.
She wanted sex, goddammit. She wanted normal. With Julian. But it might take a while to get there. Or…? The uncertainty bugged her. Would she ever feel undamaged?
Maybe not in all ways, but…
Penetration was something she could do, with her…rules.
Petula put what she hoped was a seductive look on her face as she purposely licked her bottom lip. “I do want sex with you, Julian. I have every expectation it will be epic.”
“But no pressure,” he blinked, trying to keep up with her changing moods. “Right? No pressure on either of us?”
“Yes. No pressure,” she repeated, then grew worried again as she articulated her first caveat.
“However… If I don’t, um, completely enjoy it, you are not to take that personally.
I still don’t know if it was me or my two previous partners who sucked, but if was me, I won’t have you taking the blame for any lack of fireworks. ”
Julian put his hands on her shoulders and rubbed them gently, not flinching away at her negativity.
“Nobody’s going to suck. Not you, and not me,” he assured her.
“We’re going to take our time, and make it good.
I’m going to discover everything that makes you giggle, everything that makes you sigh, and everything that makes you scream with pleasure. You got that?” he stated confidently.
“That’s a tall order,” Petula managed, playing with a button on his Henley, which she’d found herself doing alot. “But what if… What if I’m broken, Julian?”
She hadn’t worried about that with Matt and Gleason.
They’d both been a means to an end, and neither had figured into her future.
With Julian, it was a whole different story.
She loved him; wanted to be with him every minute of every day, and for a very long time. Besides which, she craved his esteem.
What if she found out she couldn’t enjoy sex? What if Julian eventually decided she was too broken to bother with?
Petula didn’t know if she could handle him walking away. She needed to lay her fears and expectations on the table.
Julian must have seen her winding up, because he put a finger to her lips. “Uh, uh. Hold that thought for a minute,” he said, looking around as if he suddenly remembered where they were. “I want to get us inside where we can relax and not worry about anyone interrupting.”
Petula nodded. Yeah. It was pretty dumb to have this conversation on his front doorstep where it might not be one-hundred percent safe, or where any one of their well-meaning siblings could show up without warning.
Julian brushed his lips over her cheek, then turned his attention to his phone. He tapped his screen, read it, then muttered some numbers that could only be the code for his alarm.
Reaching around her to a keypad, Julian put in a series of digits, and the red light on the panel turned green.
“First try,” he congratulated himself, smiling.
And wow. Amazingly enough, he didn’t seem nervous at all about what Petula might tell him. That either meant he had his head firmly entrenched in the sand, or he was confident that whatever they discussed wasn’t going to be a game-changer.
Since this was Julian? Petula realized, much to her relief, that the latter was probably closer to the truth.
He put a hand on the small of her back, opened the door, and led her into a large, spectacular foyer. For a seemingly diminutive-from-the-outside, ranch-style home, Petula wasn’t expecting the vaulted ceiling, nor the amount of natural light that graced the hallway.
“Wow,” she said, looking up and around. Of course, all the walls were blank canvases, waiting for art and decoration, but Petula could see the potential.
“I know, right?” Julian’s excitement was palpable.
“This was all it took for me to know it was the right house. And it only gets better from here.” He took one step forward, then stopped.
“But it’s up to you what we do first. Do you want to look around, or do you still want to sit and have that talk. ”
Petula wished she could say “fuck it” and opt for the tour, but it might take her a while to work up the courage to dare be as bold again if she didn’t get it all out, right now.
“Let’s talk,” she suggested, sucking in a deep breath to help calm her nerves.
“Okay. The living room is this way.” He continued with some non-angsty patter. “We already know what it looks like from the pictures my mother sent, unless the girls were pulling our legs and went rogue with alternate furnishings,” he teased.
Julian’s attempt to lighten the mood didn’t quite work, but it was appreciated.
As was him sharing all those pictures his female family members had sent, over the past couple days.
Not only had Julian’s shopping-contingent picked everything out that they need, they’d made sure that every bit of it met with Petula’s approval before being purchased.
It had all made her feel…included, and showed that Julian wasn’t just pulling her chain about forging ahead with a relationship. He’d seriously made no bones about wanting her to live here, and that the décor had to be to her liking.
Petula had a hard time not losing her resolve to opt for the tour as they walked into a huge room. The ceilings, again, were vaulted over an enormous space, where a huge bank of windows, nearly floor to ceiling, covered the wall opposite to where they’d walked in.
“The living room is around the corner,” he said, not giving her time to ogle the large, skylit kitchen to her right.
He led her past a long trestle table of which she and Julian had both approved.
Not that they had any real chairs for it, yet.
They hadn’t been able to decide from the photos, what might look good.
So, the ladies, in lieu of buying something non-approved, had set up a few folding chairs that would suffice until she and Julian picked out just what they wanted.
There was a lovely sitting nook just beyond the dining area, with the wall adjacent to it covered in bookcases that were huge enough to swallow up all her reading material, with room left over. And that was saying a lot, since Petula was an avid reader.
Turning just beyond a wall that separated the larger space from the kitchen, Petula spied the living room and nodded approvingly.
It looked even better in person than it had in the photos.
“You want tea or anything before we chat?” Julian asked.
He had to be as nervous as she was, but he was hiding it well.
“No. Let’s just get this over with so everything is out in the open,” she countered, taking a seat in a puffy chair that was as comfortable as it looked.
Julian lowered himself into its twin just opposite Petula’s, and sat back with a smile that was clearly meant to put her at ease.
“Whenever you’re ready,” he prodded gently.
Petula sucked in a breath…
“I don’t like surprises,” she blurted out. “In bed. I…”
That sounded lame. Petula started again. “What I mean to say is, I can be adventurous, I think, but I have to know what’s going to happen before it does.”
Julian didn’t look turned off, at all.