Chapter Twenty-Two
Juliette
New Year’s Eve is a complete washout, and the next few days are, frankly, horrendous. Cam’s brother has a coronary artery bypass graft, but he ends up with a surgical site infection, and he’s very unwell. Cam’s mother, Kathy, is beside herself with worry, in hysterical tears most of the time, and ends up having to be sedated again. She is calmer when I’m there, so I stay with her for much of the time, reading to her, and just letting her talk when she is a bit calmer.
Alan’s wife, who’s now eight months pregnant, is unwell and struggling, which just upsets Kathy more. She wants to go to Australia to help her, but Cam’s Dad tells her he’s not letting her go in her mental state, which leads to her having more hysterics. In the end, Cam offers to fly over there, and he leaves on the second of January, which makes things both easier and harder. Easier because I don’t have to tiptoe around him. But harder because there’s no chance of us talking while he’s away and I’m here with his parents. When I do talk to him, he constantly says things like, “I’m so glad you’re there,” and, “What would we do without you?” so there’s no possible way I can tell him or his parents that I’d rather be elsewhere.
I’m incredibly tired and exhausted by this point. Kathy is nice enough, but she’s not my mother, and I find her hysterics irritating, even though I feel sorry for her. I miss Henry so much it hurts. I want this to be over, but it shows no sign of ending right now.
And then on Thursday, after I’ve made yet another lunch for everyone that goes uneaten, my phone rings. To my surprise, I see that it’s Alex.
I answer it and walk out into the garden. “Hey, you!”
“Hey,” he says.
“Happy New Year!”
“Yeah. Sweetheart, where are you?”
Sweetheart? That startles me. Despite being one of my best friends, Alex is not the kind of guy to use endearments like that. “Uh… I’m at Cam’s parents’ place.” I haven’t told him or any of the others about Cam’s brother, and I doubt Henry has either.
“Honey,” he says, “I’ve got some bad news.”
My heart skips a beat. Not Henry?
“We heard this morning that James’s sister Maddie has died.”
I stand still as the world shudders to a halt around me. For a moment, I’m sure the birds stop singing and the sun goes behind a cloud.
I know Maddie and have met her many times socially. She had a baby a few months ago, and I was aware that she was suffering from postnatal depression, and that James was going over to see her a lot to help her out. Oh, poor James.
“Oh my God,” I whisper. “How?”
“She fell off a cliff near where she lived.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah.”
“She didn’t… jump?”
“We don’t know yet.”
“Oh no, Leia?”
“She’s fine. She was in her pushchair at the top. A couple who were walking by found her and called the police. Two officers came here to tell James.”
“Oh how awful. How is he?”
“In complete shock. He’s gone to identify the body.”
Tears spring into my eyes at the thought of having to do something so horrendous. “Is he on his own?”
“No, no, Henry’s with him.”
I feel a rush of relief. If Henry’s there, everything’s going to be fine. “I’m glad about that.”
“Yeah, me too. James has to pick up Leia afterward, so Aroha’s gone with them, and she’s going to look after the baby for a while.”
“That was kind of her.”
“Yeah, a real coup that she just happened to be working here. Anyway, I said I’d call and let people know. I’ll ring as soon as we know anything more.”
“When do you think the funeral will be?”
“No idea. I imagine there’ll be a police investigation and a coroner’s inquiry until they sort out the cause of death, so it might be a while.”
“Okay. Well, thanks for calling me.”
“All right, speak soon, okay?” He ends the call.
I stand there, listening to the birdsong that’s started up again. I’m trembling a little. I wasn’t close friends with Maddie, but James is like a brother to me, and I can only imagine what he’s going through. Did she take her own life? Oh God, I hope not. It’s awful either way, but an accident is one thing; knowing your sister was so unhappy that she killed herself is another. James will blame himself, and it won’t be an easy thing to get over.
As far as I know, he and Maddie don’t have any brothers or sisters. Their mother is dead, and their father lives in Australia. They have no other close family here. What will happen to the baby? Poor little Leia. I know Maddie wasn’t in touch with the father, but I guess he’ll have to be contacted. Will he want her? If he doesn’t, what will James do? He’s always said he doesn’t want kids. I can’t picture him bringing up a baby, especially when she’s not his own.
I’d like to talk to Henry, but I don’t want to interrupt him while he’s with James, so I just send him a text, telling him I’m sorry and that I’m thinking of them.
He calls me around six. Seeing his name on the screen, I go outside again, not wanting Cam’s parents to hear the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” he says. “It’s me.” He sounds tired.
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?”
“Shattered. What a fucking awful day.”
“God, I’m so sorry.” I sit on the edge of the deck, looking down the garden. “How’s James?”
“Upset. Angry. Devastated. Pretty much what you’d think. He had to go and identify her body.”
“I’m guessing it was her?”
“Yeah. I can’t even think how awful that must have been.”
“What about Leia? Did you pick her up?”
“Yeah. She’s fine. We took her back to his house, and Aroha’s with her now, thank God. She’s got it all in hand. I’m so relieved she was there.”
“She’s got her head screwed on right—she’ll be good for him.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?” I ask softly.
“Yeah. I feel gutted. I can’t believe Maddie’s gone. Twenty-eight is no age.”
“Do you think she took her own life?”
“James thinks it’s possible because of her postnatal depression. I don’t know. I don’t think she would have left Leia alone on the top of that cliff if she was going to jump. But who knows? Either way, it fucking sucks.”
“It does. I’m so sorry.”
He sighs. “We’re going around to see him tonight—me, Alex, and Tyson. We’ll commiserate and get him drunk.”
“And yourselves, no doubt,” I tease.
“Probably.” He doesn’t laugh. “I miss you,” he says. “So fucking much.”
I press my fingers to my mouth. “I miss you too.”
“How’s it going over there?”
“It’s awful. Kathy’s hysterical most of the day. Roy just yells at her to calm down, and that makes her worse.”
“How’s Alan?”
“I think he’s improved a fraction.”
“When’s Cam back?”
“Saturday. I might try to talk to him then. God, what an awful start to the year.”
“Yeah. All right, I’m going to have a shower, then head over to James’s.”
“You’re not driving?”
“No, I’ll Uber.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Take care of yourself,” I murmur.
“You too. Love you.” He ends the call before I can echo the sentiment.
I go back into the house to hear screaming from Kathy’s room, and Roy yelling at her to calm down. I press a hand to my forehead. I want to just walk out, go back to my apartment, and grieve on my own. But I promised Cam I’d stay and help his mum, and I don’t have the heart to abandon her when she’s so upset.
Taking a deep breath, I head for the bedroom, mentally rolling up my sleeves for the fight.
*
The next day, Gaby calls me to say she and Tyson are going around to James’s if I want to join them. When I tell Kathy I’m going out for a few hours, she collapses into tears, and in the end Roy gives her more pills and tells me to go.
I Uber over to James’s, relieved to be out of the cloying atmosphere, and, despite the sadness of the situation, excited to see Henry. When I arrive and walk into James’s house, Henry is the first person I see, and while Gaby goes up to hug James, Henry and I have a quick cuddle which goes unnoticed as everyone greets everyone else.
“How are you doing?” he asks, tightening his arms around me.
“Shit,” I reply. “I miss you.”
“Yeah, I miss you too.”
That’s all we have time for, but it’s wonderful to be back with my friends. We sit out on James’s deck and eat pizza and reminisce about Maddie, and I have a cuddle with Leia as he discusses the options for what to do with her.
I look up and see Henry watching me. I lift Leia’s hand and wave it at him, and he gives a smile, but it’s a sad one. Is he thinking about Maddie? Or about the unresolved issue we spoke about in Wellington—about us having children of our own? I’d sort of forgotten about that in the heat of everything that’s been happening, but the problem is still there, and it’s not going away.
Not long after that I get a text from Cam. Any chance you could head back soon? Dad says Mum’s asking for you.
I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with my friends, get drunk, tell stories about when we were young and carefree, then go home with Henry, make love to him for hours, and fall asleep in his arms. But at the moment that option seems further away than ever.
Heavy with responsibility, I say goodbye to everyone and head for the door. Henry comes with me on the pretense of getting himself a glass of water from the fridge, and we pause in the lobby, standing a foot apart.
“You okay?” he asks. “You look exhausted.”
“I am. God, this week. I just want it to be over.”
“I know what you mean.”
I think about Maddie, and my eyes water. “I can’t believe she’s gone.”
“Me neither. It feels unreal.”
I reach out and rub his upper arm, just because I want to touch him. “I’m glad you were there for James. You’re such a rock.”
“I wish I could be there for you.” His blue eyes are sincere, without any anger or resentment that I haven’t left yet. “I’m sorry you’re having to go through all that.”
“It’s really hard. Kathy needs me, and I know if I walk now, it’ll kill her. What kind of person would it make me to turn my back on someone in need?”
I look back at him, and his expression has softened. “You’re a lovely girl,” he says. “And I know that Hindu philosophy suggests selfless service and adherence to your moral and ethical responsibilities are important for spiritual growth. That’s commendable. But I think sometimes duty is so ingrained in you that you forget we all have our own paths to walk. Our own crosses to bear, if you don’t mind me mixing up our religions. Kathy has to learn to cope emotionally with what’s happening to Alan and his family. Buddhists say pain comes from resistance to change, right? She needs to develop coping mechanisms and learn to accept that bad things are going to happen, or she won’t be able to deal with these major problems that life throws at us going forward.”
My face heats at the thought that he thinks I’m enabling her. “What am I supposed to do when she’s screaming the house down and threatening to hurt herself because she’s so frightened and unhappy? Roy and Cam can’t deal with her—should I just walk out and leave her?”
“She needs proper medical help. You’re not her doctor or her therapist, and she’s not your mother.”
“She’s a human being, and she needs me right now.”
“I understand, and I admire you for the way you care about people. But all the time you’re there, Roy and Cam will leave it to you, and nothing will be solved. Sometimes it’s okay to put your own needs and desires first. Sometimes you have to.”
I wipe away a tear that falls over my lashes. Is it true? Is duty so ingrained in me that I end up taking over and not letting people walk their own path?
“I have to go,” I tell him, because my head hurts, and I need to think about this.
“All right. Take care of yourself.” He pulls me toward him and gives me a hug.
I bury my face in his T-shirt for a few seconds. He smells warm and familiar, and I want nothing more than to stay there and let him comfort me.
But in the end, I move away and say, “See you soon,” before I slip out of the door into the dark night.
I return to Kathy and spend over an hour calming her down and getting her back to bed before falling exhausted into the spare bed. I check my phone before I settle down. No message from Cam, who might be at the hospital. But there is one from Henry.
E kore e mimiti te aroha mōu. It means ‘my love for you will never wane.’
Eyes stinging, I text back. E kore e ea i te kupu taku aroha mōu. ‘Words can’t express how much I love you.’
He texts back a line of hearts. I smile as I turn my phone off, but the smile fades as I curl up under the covers. The sentiment is wonderful, but they are just words. Deep down, I feel queasy with anxiety. Something has to give, and I can feel it coming.
It takes me a while to fall asleep, and when I do, I dream about gray skies, and thunder rolling around the hills.
*
With Alan finally appearing to be on the mend, Cam comes back from Australia, tired and weary. When he walks in, he flicks me a quick smile, then goes through to talk to his mum. No hug, no passionate declaration of how much he missed me.
Both of us start back to work on Monday, but we shoot off to his parents’ house at lunchtime and at the end of the day to fight the fire that’s constantly burning there. It feels as if we’re caught in a never-ending loop. Kathy is in a real downward spiral mentally, barely able to lift her head from the pillow without dissolving into tears or panic. Cam calls to make her a doctor’s appointment, but the surgery is run off its feet at this time of year, and the first appointment he can get is in a week’s time.
When he tells me that, my frustration boils over, and the two of us have an argument in the garden that inevitably turns personal. I announce that we’re not a couple anymore—we’re like roommates who have no physical contact at all, to which he gets angry and replies that he didn’t think I wanted him to touch me, and by the time Roy comes out to yell at us to stop because Kathy can hear us, we’re both close to tears and exhausted.
Things get worse when Alan’s wife calls Cam Wednesday lunchtime in a panic to say she’s started having contractions. Her family lives in Melbourne and she’s not close to them anyway, and Alan is still at least a week away from being released from hospital. I go back to work, taut as an elastic band that’s been twisted to breaking point. I’ve hardly seen Henry, who’s been closeted with Tyson, working on the conference, and my period still hasn’t started so I’m achy and miserable and tired and exhausted.
And then, that evening, when I arrive at his parents’ place after work, I’m preparing dinner for us all when Cam comes into the kitchen.
“Em rang again,” he says, massaging the bridge of his nose. “They’ve taken her to hospital because her blood pressure’s up.”
I stop where I’m draining the pasta and say, “Oh no. It’s not pre-eclampsia?”
“Borderline, I think. She’s really upset. I think we need to go over there, so I’ve booked two tickets for Friday. We can be there then for both of them, and we can stay at their place so it won’t cost us anything.”
I put down the colander. “What do you mean, ‘we’? I can’t go.”
“I need you, Lettie. You’ve got to come with me.”
“Well, for a start, what about your mum?”
“I know, I might try to get a nurse in or something. But I need you.”
“You need me because I’ll organize everything,” I say, a little hysterical. “And anyway, I’m working.”
“Alex will let you have the time off,” he says impatiently. “This is important.”
“Cam, the funeral is on Friday. I have to be here for that.”
“This is more important,” he insists.
I meet his gaze. “Not to me.”
We stare at each other for a moment. I can see it’s only just occurring to him that saying goodbye to Maddie is more important to me than his brother and his wife. I’ve shocked him.
“I thought Hindus believed in reverence to their husbands,” he says snarkily.
“I’m not a Hindu,” I snap back. “You know that. I like to respect my father’s culture sometimes, that’s all. And you’re not my husband, which was your decision, I have to point out.”
He glares at me.
“Anyway,” I continue, ignoring the churning of my stomach that tells me he’s partly right, and I should go with him to support him, “a person’s duty is also toward their friends. I need to be here for the funeral. I want to be here to support James.”
“You mean you want to be here with Henry.”
My face burns. “Actually, I want to be here for all my friends. They’re all upset and suffering.” I think about what Henry said, about people needing to develop their own coping mechanisms, and that sometimes it’s okay to put your own needs first. I’m not being selfish. This is important to me, and I’m upset that Cam can’t see why.
Now is the moment where I should tell him it’s over. We haven’t been a couple for weeks, not really. We’re hanging onto the dregs of this relationship, and I’m tired, and I want it to be over.
But there’s one final reason I can’t let go of it. One more thing I need to sort out before I make the jump.
I swallow hard. “Look, you should go and help Em and Alan. I’ll stay here and keep an eye on your mum until you get back.”
His lips thin, and his eyes harden. “Right,” he snaps. “I should have guessed you’d put me last.”
My jaw drops. “All I’ve done since New Year is put you and your family first,” I yell back.
He holds up a hand and says tiredly, “All right, don’t get hysterical.”
Me? I’m so speechless I can only stare at him as he walks away. In the background, Kathy is crying, and I hear exhaustion in his voice as he goes into her room to calm her down.
I’m done. I’m so done. My eyes blur with tears as I finish getting the dinner. I wish I could just walk out. Tell him I’m not coming back, and not have to put up with this misery anymore.
Oh, Henry. I dash the tears away. I want to feel his arms around me. I want to lie in the morning sunshine and have him stroke my back again while he sings songs to me in Māori. I want to feel his lips on mine.
Whoever’s up there, watching over me, please let it come to pass. Give me courage.
And please…oh God, please, by all that’s holy… make me not pregnant. Because if I am, I don’t know what I’m going to do.