Chapter Twenty-Seven
Juliette
“Pregnant?” My father stares at me, joy lighting his eyes. “Meri pyaari beti, that is wonderful news!” It means ‘my lovely daughter’ in Hindi. He comes forward to give me a hug.
Over his shoulder, I catch my mother’s eye. “Is it Cam’s?” she mouths. I blush and nod, and her brow furrows. “Krish,” she says to my father. “Tone it down. We have to talk.”
Dad steps back and looks at her, then at me. “What’s going on?” He still has an Indian accent, although his speech contains many Kiwi and Māori phrases now.
“Sit down, Dad,” I say, and we take our seats again.
We’re in their home, in the affluent suburb of Merivale, overlooking the Avon river. I grew up in this house, and my bedroom here still bears some of my childhood things—several stuffed bears, a lamp with Cinderella dancing with the prince around the base, even some drawings I did as a girl. The tug of the past is comfortingly familiar, but also a reminder of the principles instilled in me as a girl that are giving me such grief now.
I don’t know why I came here. I wasn’t planning on telling them about the baby. But I spent all yesterday afternoon and all morning walking and thinking, and I still haven’t come to any conclusion, and I just need to talk to someone.
Sure enough, when Mum says, “She’s not happy with Cam,” my father’s expression darkens.
“What do you mean, not happy?”
“We’ve been growing apart for a while,” I tell him. “I was on the verge of breaking up with him, and then it was Christmas, so I thought I’d wait until the New Year, and then his brother had a heart attack, and his mother was sick, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it to him.”
“Sounds like excuses to me,” he says. “If you wanted to leave him, you should have been honest with him and got it over with.”
“It’s not as easy as that,” I say, blushing again, because I know he’s right, and I’m ashamed of myself for dragging it out.
“She’s fallen in love with someone else,” Mum tells him.
His eyes widen. “Who?”
I close my eyes. I didn’t know Mum was going to mention him. “Henry.”
“Henry West?” he says, astonished.
“Yes.”
There’s a brief silence. “Have you been unfaithful to Cam?” he whispers. I put my face in my hands, and it’s answer enough, because he gives a big sigh. “Juliette,” he says sadly.
I begin to cry. There’s nothing like a dressing down from your parents when you’re an adult to make you feel two inches tall.
“Krish,” Mum scolds, “come on, give her a break. It wasn’t quite like that. She thought it was over with Cam.” She gets up, comes to sit next to me on the sofa, and gives me a hug. “Taku aroha, come on, everything’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not.” I wipe the tears from my face, but fresh ones take their place. “Henry told me he doesn’t want to bring up another man’s child. I don’t want to stay with Cam. And if I keep the baby, I lose Henry.”
Her hand stops in the process of rubbing my back. “What are you saying? Are you thinking about an abortion?”
I look at my father. His expression is heavy with disapproval and sadness. “You would really consider terminating this pregnancy?” he says stiffly.
I study my hands. I like to think I’m a modern, independent woman, but the truth is that I was brought up to respect my elders, and even now I find it difficult to stand up to him.
“I’m ashamed of you,” he says. “Whatever was going on between you and Cam, you owe it to this baby to make it work between you.”
I knew he was going to say that, and I think perhaps I wanted to be challenged because I thought it would force me to realize it’s not what I want. But instead all I feel is guilt and shame, and it just makes more tears flow.
“He wants us to move to Australia,” I say, trying not to sob. “To be with his family. He doesn’t care about me being with mine.”
That makes him blanch.
“I don’t love him anymore, Dad. He makes me unhappy. Is that really what you want for me?”
He stares at me helplessly.
“Krish,” Mum says softly. “Give us a few minutes, okay?”
He gets to his feet and, without another word, leaves the room.
“There, there,” Mum says, giving me a hug. “Come on, you knew what he’d say. He’s very traditional, but he loves you and only wants the best for you.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, with little hiccups in between the words. “Gaby said if I terminate the pregnancy for Henry, I’m going to regret it, and I think she’s right. But I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be a single mum. I don’t think I’m strong enough.”
“Well that’s rubbish,” Mum says briskly. “If you were to choose to have the baby on your own, we’d manage together. But have you spoken to Henry about it? He’s definitely said he’s not interested in being with you?”
I wipe the tears away again. “We haven’t really spoken at length. The thing is, he was married, and they were trying to have a baby for years, and eventually he found out he’s infertile. So we were talking about alternatives, and he said he wouldn’t want a sperm donor because he wouldn’t want to bring up another man’s child.”
“That’s a slightly different thing,” Mum says.
“But when I called him to tell him I was pregnant, and that Cam told me we should stay together for the baby’s sake, Henry got really upset and hung up on me.”
She frowns. “Well, that’s not really a surprise. If he knows you well, he would understand how you have strong principles. He would assume you wouldn’t leave Cam.”
I stare at her. I hadn’t thought of that. “That’s true.” The more I think about it, the more I question my understanding of the situation. Henry was shocked, but she’s right, he wouldn’t abandon me just because I was pregnant. It’s my fault for telling him the way I did, and I misinterpreted his reaction. Oh shit.
“We’ve brought you up to have a sense of duty and responsibility toward your family,” Mum says. “It was important to both of us. But we also want you to be happy.”
I rub my nose. “I know Dad likes Cam.”
“He made sure to like him because he’s your partner. But the truth is, he’s very disappointed that Cam hasn’t asked you to marry him.”
“Really?” I didn’t know that. “Cam says he doesn’t believe in it.”
“I know.”
I look at her with a weak smile. “Henry told me that Cam has no claim on me because he never asked me to marry him. And he said he wants to put a ring on my finger so everyone knows I’m his.”
Mum’s lips curve up a little. “And you really think he’s going to turn his back on you because you’re pregnant?”
I frown. “I don’t know. God, I’m in such a muddle. I keep telling myself that I need to concentrate on what’s best for the baby. And isn’t that staying with Cam?”
“What’s best for you is what’s best for the baby. Yes, of course, in an ideal world you’d stay with Cam and play happy families, but if being with him is only going to make you miserable, what’s the point in doing that? Surely it would be better for the baby if you’re with someone you love and trust?” She tips her head to the side. “You never answered my question.”
“Sorry?”
“Which man smudges your lipstick, and which smudges your mascara?”
I wipe beneath both eyes, then give a short laugh. “Henry definitely smudges my lipstick.”
“Well, there you are, then.” She kisses my temple.
“But Dad—”
“Don’t worry about him. I’ll talk him around.”
I inhale, then blow out a long breath. “What if you’re wrong, and Henry says he can’t bring up another man’s child?”
“Well if that’s the case, he’s not the man for you. I don’t think you should stay with Cam out of duty. If neither man is right for you, you should bring the child up yourself. You’re stronger than you think, tōku tamāhine ataahua.” It means ‘my beautiful daughter.’
She rubs my arm, then says, “I’ll go and make us a cup of fruit tea. It’s probably best if you don’t drink too much coffee now.” She walks off into the kitchen.
I rest my hand on my tummy, trying to calm my shaky breaths. I hadn’t thought about cutting my caffeine content. I know so little about pregnancy and babies, only what I learned at school. I haven’t been around anyone who’s been pregnant, and I’ve never been particularly interested in babies, so I haven’t had the inclination to read about it all. I think there are certain foods you’re not supposed to eat, like mayonnaise and cheese for some reason. I have no idea why. I’m going to have to do some research to make sure I don’t do anything stupid.
I’m so scared at the thought of doing this on my own. I think of Dad, no doubt walking up and down in his office, which he always does when he’s stressed or anxious. I feel so sad that I’ve made him ashamed of me. I want him to be proud of me. But do I want that enough to stay with a man I don’t love anymore?
All these thoughts and emotions are like butterflies fluttering in my brain, going around in circles. And I’m tired and confused.
I think about Henry, and the smell of his cologne, and the way his blue eyes stare right into mine while he’s making love to me, and that makes the tears come, because I don’t know if he wants me anymore, and what if I never get to experience that again?
*
I know I should think about my situation. Draw up the advantages and disadvantages of various options. Talk to my friends, to Cam, to Henry, and make a rational decision. But I can’t bring myself to do any of that. Instead I spend the rest of the day in the hotel. Cam continues to text and call, so I keep my phone switched off so I don’t have to hear from him. I know Kathy is sure to be in a state after finding out I’ve left, and I don’t want to have to deal with him or his family right now.
Tomorrow is Monday. I need to go to work because I’ve had a week off and it’s the first day for the main staff. Hopefully I can catch up with Henry at lunchtime or something, and we can have a conversation.
But for now, I put my brain in standby and watch The Fellowship of the Ring for the umpteenth time while I eat popcorn, which seems to be one thing that doesn’t make me feel queasy. Then, exhausted from all the emotion, I crash out and sleep soundly all night.
I brought one of my suits to the hotel so I’m okay to dress for work the next morning, but I have to check out, so I’ll need to go back to the apartment after work. That means I’m probably going to have to talk to Cam. Today’s the day, I guess. One way or another, I’ll make myself come to a decision.
I drive to work, park outside the building, then sit there for a moment. Oh fuck, I feel sick again. I’ve already thrown up once this morning. I get out and go inside, head straight for the bathroom, relieved to find it empty, and vomit into the toilet, hoping nobody else comes in.
When I’m done, I go out on shaky legs. I want to go to my office and bolt myself in, but it’s nearly eight thirty, which is when our morning meeting usually starts, and I know I have to go.
The place is busy, everyone talking about what they got up to over Christmas, and I stop a few times on the way to talk to people, answering their questions as best as I can, even though my mind is buzzing. Ahead of me, I can see the boardroom through the glass walls. Alex, Tyson, and Henry are already there. James is off this week. Alex and Tyson are sitting at the table. Henry’s making himself a coffee. My heart rate immediately doubles. He’s wearing my favorite suit of his—navy with a thin pinstripe. He looks so handsome.
I don’t know what I’m going to say. I should have rehearsed this, planned our first conversation, but I can’t think as my feet move automatically toward the door. I watch him turn from the table and stop to look out of the sliding doors at the view of the Avon as he sips his coffee. Alex glances up and sees me, and he says something, and then as the automatic doors open, Henry turns around.
“Juliette.” He whispers the word, and I remember him saying Your name feels like a spell.
I don’t know what I expected. Maybe that he’d still be angry. Or ignore me. Or tell me quietly that we’ll talk later.
Instead, he puts down his coffee cup and walks straight up to me. “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he says immediately.
The apology whips the rug out from under me, and I bury my face in his shirt.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” he says, putting his arms around me.
“Many a true word is spoken in jest,” Tyson says from behind us.
I turn my head to look at the table and find both him and Alex smiling.
Henry rolls his eyes, takes my hand, and leads me out onto the terrace. It’s still a little cool, but the bright sun promises it’s going to be a beautiful summer day. Down by the river, a group of ducks paddle slowly past the willow that drapes its arms across the water gracefully like a ballet dancer. I can smell the muffins made in the nearby café, and it makes my empty stomach rumble.
He takes my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. “Are you okay?”
I nod.
“Baby girl,” he says. “I’ve been going out of my mind.” He brushes my cheeks with his thumbs. “Ah, sweetheart. I’ve made such a mess of everything.”
I give a short laugh. “You’ve made a mess? It’s me who’s screwed everything up.”
“No you haven’t. You haven’t done a single thing wrong. You’re the sweetest, kindest, most loyal girl I know, and you’ve just made the best of a difficult situation while you’ve tried to help people.” His eyes search mine. “Listen, I reacted badly when you called me, and I’m so sorry about that. I thought you were saying you want to stay with Cam and go to Australia with him. I assumed you’d feel you had to do that. But when I heard you weren’t with him this weekend, it gave me hope.”
I look up at him, my heart lifting. “Henry, I—”
I stop, and we both look through to the boardroom at the sound of raised voices. I inhale sharply. “Oh fuck.”
It’s Cam, followed closely by the receptionist, who’s objecting loudly.
“I’m so sorry,” she tells us as we walk back into the boardroom. “He wouldn’t stop.” She glares at Cam.
“It’s all right.” Alex holds up a hand to her. “Don’t worry.”
Giving Cam one last glare, she backs away, and the doors close.
“I’m her fucking partner,” Cam says to Alex, gesturing at me. “I don’t appreciate being treated like I’m invading the premises.”
“Amy’s a temp,” Alex states, “and she doesn’t know you. We don’t let just anyone walk in here.” Somehow, even though his tone is mild, he manages to make it sound as if Cam isn’t wanted.
“What are you doing here?” I ask Cam, my heart hammering.
“I need to talk to you,” he snaps. “And you won’t return my calls. I had no idea where you were, but I knew you’d be here this morning. You wouldn’t miss the chance to see him.” He nods angrily at Henry.
“We work together,” Henry points out.
“Not if I have anything to do with it,” Cam says. He looks at me. “Let’s go to your office. We need to talk.”
I bristle, embarrassed at his demanding tone. “I’m busy.”
“We’re in the middle of a meeting,” Henry says.
Cam glares at him. “I’m not fucking talking to you. I’m talking to my girlfriend.”
“Not if I have anything to do with it,” Henry replies.
Cam glowers. “Keep out of it, West. You’re just something she amused herself with in passing. She’s my girl.”
Oh, now he’s decided he wants me. Talk about dog in the manger.
Henry moves closer to him. “Or maybe she needed a real man because the one she had wasn’t up to the job.”
“A real man would be able to get his woman pregnant,” Cam states. “Too bad you’re shooting blanks.”
Henry’s eyes blaze. “At least I can shoot without needing someone else to guide the rifle.”
His words reveal that I’ve told him about Cam’s issues, and it tips Cam over the edge. Furious now, he snaps, “We’re leaving.” He grabs my hand and pulls me toward the exit. I stumble, and the other guys exclaim with indignation.
Alex and Tyson jump to their feet, but Henry’s already onto it. “Get the fuck away from her,” he snarls. He marches up, grabs Cam by the throat and pushes him up against the glass wall. There’s a huge clang, and everyone in the surrounding offices looks around and stares.
“Pistols at dawn it is, then,” Tyson says.
Cam tries to give Henry a right hook, but he moves back just in time, and Cam’s fist sails through the air. Henry then punches him full in the face, and blood sprays over them both.
I squeal, and Alex barks, “Henry!” He grabs Henry and hauls him off Cam.
Cam grabs a serviette from the table, and tries to staunch his nose. He looks visibly shaken, his hand trembling as he mops up the blood.
“That’s it,” I say. Without looking at Henry, I tell Cam, “Come on.”
I stride out of the office, not waiting to see if Cam’s following. My face burning, I walk past the people who are watching and talking behind their hands, go into the lobby, and cross it to the exit. Only when I go through the sliding doors do I stop and turn.
Cam is six feet behind me, and he follows me outside. He looks at the tissues in his hand, which are covered with blood.
“Fucking animal,” he says. “That’s the last straw. I don’t want you seeing him anymore.”
I study his face, which I know so well. “Cam,” I say slowly, “you’ve been through so much, and I know you’ve done your best to make things work between us. But it’s just not enough. Not for me, anyway. I’ve tried. God knows, I’ve tried so hard. I know that relationships are about more than sex and excitement. They’re about loyalty and trust and duty and responsibility. But they should be about sex and excitement too. Or, at least, about love and physical affection. If sex was our only problem, I might be able to work through it. But you don’t show me any physical affection. You keep saying you’ll change, but you don’t, and I can’t live without it. A friend told me that I deserve to be happy, and I think she’s right. And Henry makes me happy.”
He lowers the tissue. He looks absolutely destroyed. “But… the baby…”
“The baby’s yours, and you’ll always be its father.”
“I’m not staying,” he says stubbornly. “I’m going to move to Australia.”
“If you want to, that’s your choice.”
His expression turns pleading. “Lettie, come on… don’t leave me, not now. I need you. Mum needs you. We all need you.”
I move back from his hand. “No.”
“Please… I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you.”
That final sentence kills any affection I still have for him. I turn and walk back inside, and I don’t look back.