Chapter 21
By the end of their third week in NYC, Gadiel started feeling like he was going insane.
It wasn’t their living situation. He’d told Scott the truth: he liked this apartment. The small size of the apartment really didn’t bother him at all. He actually loved how little space there was. He liked sharing the tiny bathroom with Will, liked seeing Will’s shaving kit and toothbrush next to his. Although technically they had shared an apartment before, this couldn’t be more different from the penthouse. The penthouse was so huge that they might as well have been living in different places. In this apartment they were so close all the time that he could actually hear Will moving around and getting into his bed. Gadiel loved it.He’d never had this before. He’d never shared a home with anyone, not even as a child. Living in his father’s mansion twenty rooms away from the relatives he rarely saw didn’t count.This felt... real. So much more intimate and invasive. Like a real home. Gadiel couldn’t get enough of it.
So no, the apartment wasn’t the problem.
It was Will. He was driving him crazy.
Gadiel had never had it so badly. He’d never craved anyone so much. These days, he felt like he was being edged, getting aroused and out of breath every time Will as much as brushed against him. He felt like a crackling live wire, ready to go off at the slightest provocation. And to make things worse, it wasn’t just general horniness. Sex wasn’t the only thing he craved. He craved Will’s closeness. Will’s hands on him. His arms around him. Will’s eyes on him.
He’d told Will the truth back in Dubai: it often felt like there was a black hole inside of him, a dark pit of wants and needs, impossible to quench. He had been born hungry, starved for affection and attention. Every time Will as much as smiled at him or gave him that soft, intense look of his, it fed the hole and made it ache less. But the pit inside him wanted more. It always wanted more, moremoremore . Always insatiable, forever yearning and hungry, like a starved monster that had been fed for the first time.
Gadiel didn’t know what would happen if— when Will stopped feeding it.
He didn’t know if he could survive it.
He’d like to say that he was just being dramatic, but he was past the point of denial by now. Gadiel had had crushes. He’d had infatuations. But this ... it feltnothing like that. This was so much worse—and so much better. It felt like he was high on emotions whenever Will was close, whenever Will touched him—and then he crashed hard every time he stopped.
It was fucking torture.
Because Will’s behavior was driving him crazy. Gadiel didn’t know how to read him.
Will watched him. He rarely let him out of his sight, his eyes watching his every movement. Was he just being an overzealous bodyguard or was it something else?Gadiel had no idea.It was entirely possible he was being pathetic and reading too much into Will just doing his job. He wasn’t exactly an unbiased party, after all.
The most frustrating thing was, although Willhad said several times that what had happened between them was a mistake, he... he touched Gadiel. All the time. It was never anything lewd—an arm around his shoulders, a hand on his lower back, on his nape, on his ankle, fingers tipping up his chin to get his attention; stuff like that—but the personal space between them seemed nonexistent these days.Partly it was probably because the cramped living quarters forced them to constantly invade each other’s personal space, but was it the only reason Will was so handsy with him? Will’s strong hands seemed to be always on him.Guiding him. Steering him. Gently but firmly moving him aside if Gadiel was in the way. Will moved him like he had every right to put his hands on him. Something about it made him all hot and squirmy on the inside. He couldn’t get enough.
He’d never get enough.In truth, he was hopelessly addicted to Will’s attention and his touch—hopelessly addicted to Will.
He didn’t know what would happen if—when—Will was taken away from him.
***
“Gadiel.”
Gadiel shivered. Will had a way of saying his name, firm but gentle, that made him all warm on the inside. Molten.
“What?” he said belatedly.
“You’re in the way,” Will said, a note of amused exasperation creeping into his voice. “Again. I need to open that fridge if you want to eat something warm for dinner.”
Gadiel blinked innocently. “It’s not my fault there’s so little space,” he said, not moving. His body was already tingling in anticipation. Will was going to touch him. He was going to put his hands on him and move him. Like a thing. His thing.
“Of course it isn’t,” Will said dryly, laying his hand on Gadiel’s nape and applying pressure to move him aside.Gadiel nearly moaned from how good it felt and had to bite his bottom lip. Their gazes locked, and heat pulled to Gadiel’s crotch. He wondered what Will would do if he grabbed Will’s hand and put it between his legs, if he ground against it until he brought himself off.
Gadiel blushed, hoping his lewd thoughts weren’t written all over his face.
Something flickered in Will’s eyes before he looked away and opened the fridge.“But you don’t have to be so close while I make dinner. You can sit on the couch.”
“But I want to help you.”
“We both know you’re hopeless in the kitchen. I never thought I’d meet someone more terrible at cooking than Scott, but you proved me wrong.”
Gadiel pouted at Will’s back. “Now you’re just being mean.”
“Kid, you nearly burned the apartment down the other day.”
Gadiel winced, but try as he might, he still didn’t feel particularly bad about it. How could he, when Will had been so intense and overprotective afterward? Will had patted him down twice after extinguishing the fire, alternating between scolding him and asking if he was okay. Gadiel had been okay. He had been so okay that he had been embarrassingly close to coming from all the fussing, scolding, and touching.
Anyway.
“It was an honest mistake, don’t be a bore!” Gadiel said, stepping into Will’s personal space and pressing his cheek between Will’s shoulder blades. He breathed in. “Maybe you could teach me how to cook? I’m a fast learner.”
Will’s back was tense against his face. But he didn’t say anything about Gadiel being all over him.
Gadiel bit his bottom lip. He wanted so badly to run his hand over Will’s chest, his abs, and grope his cock, but he didn’t dare to. It was Will . Gadiel was scared shitless of losing the affection he saw in his eyes if he pushed too hard.
So he pulled back and tried to act normal over the next hour as Will taught him how to makechicken cacciatore—or rather, supervised him as Gadiel made it.
It was a miracle that he hadn’t burned the kitchen down, considering how distracted he was by Will’s gaze and attention.
“Good job,” Will said when they sat down to eat.
Gadiel beamed at him and, unable to contain the hungry, needy monster inside him, leaned over the small table and kissed him on the stubbled cheek. “Thank you . I only managed it thanks to you.”
Will laid his hand on Gadiel’s chest, probably to stop him from toppling over, and his thumb grazed Gadiel’s nipple through his T-shirt. Gadiel whimpered against Will’s cheek, going half-hard.Will tensed up for a moment before gently but firmly pushing him away. “Let’s eat while the food is still hot,” he said, picking up his fork again.
Swallowing a whine of disappointment, Gadiel shifted his attention to the food on his plate. He ate, barely tasting it.
He didn’t understand Will at all.
It was highly unlikely that Will was oblivious to how horny Gadiel always was, but he always pulled back whenever Gadiel as much as hinted that he wanted him. At times like this, Gadiel almost wondered whether he’d hallucinated the orgasms they’d shared. Will was like an unreachable fort now.
Except he also wasn’t . He allowed Gadiel into his personal space. He allowed Gadiel to touch him affectionately, to kiss him on the cheek and curl up against him when they watched TV. Gadiel was sure he wasn’t imagining the intensity in Will’s eyes when he looked at Gadiel. Will could be so indulgent, even affectionate with him. But as soon as Gadiel tried to push for more, Will immediately closed off.
It was incredibly frustrating. And baffling.
After weeks of this torture, Gadiel couldn’t do it anymore. He was this close to snapping at Will—or shoving him onto the nearest horizontal surface and having his way with him.
The more frustrated he got, the hornier and more perverse his fantasies got. Apparently it wasn’t enough that he liked having Will in charge of him, liked having his body manipulated and handled by Will as though Will fucking owned it. No, apparently it wasn’t enough that he had that weird submissive thing going;his sexual fantasies were the opposite kind of weird.
When he jerked off—and he jerked off a lot these days—he didn’t think of Will bossing him around in bed. More often than not, it was the other way around. His favorite fantasy involved tying Will up and then forcing him to suck his cock and eat his hole. He wanted to ride Will’s face. He wanted to choke him with his hole. He wanted to force Will to lie back and take it as Gadiel rode his cock to oblivion. He wanted to make Will utterly addicted to his hole, until he started worshipping it voluntarily, until Will couldn’t live without putting his tongue and his cock inside of Gadiel.
He was, quite possibly, fucked in his head.
The fantasies felt bizarre and depraved, considering that outside of sex fantasies, Gadiel often felt like kissing Will’s hands and begging him for scraps of his attention.
Like, Gadiel wasn’t a naive virgin who didn’t understand kinks. He respected kinks. Having kinks was totally healthy and normal. But he’d have preferred for his body to make up its fucking mind about what it wanted. It all was just so weird.
As if his life wasn’t weird or frustrating enough.
Fuck, he couldn’t do this anymore.
He needed to get laid, or he’d go mad. Madder. Being stuck in a tiny apartment with the unattainable object of his sexual fantasies wasn’t good for his sanity.He needed some space from Will, or he’d fucking explode and do something he would regret. Something that would push Will away for good.
The mere thought was unbearable. Unacceptable. He couldn’t lose Will. He just couldn’t.
It couldn’t go on like this.
So as soon as they finished eating, Gadiel said, “I’m going out tonight.”
Will stiffened. “You can’t go anywhere. It’s not safe.”
“Oh, come on!” Gadiel said, getting to his feet. “I’ve barely been outside for weeks! You’re just being paranoid! Even my brother said that it’s probably safe to go out.”
Will got to his feet too. “Your brother said no such thing. What he actually said was that the people who are threatening him are from the Italian mafia, and they have a big presence in this city.”
“It’s not the same mafia,” Gadiel argued.
“Maybe not. But they likely have connections to the Sicilian mafia. It’s too risky, Gadiel.”
“I don’t care!” Gadiel snapped, frustration making his voice sharper. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to live with—” He cut himself off before he could humiliate himself. His face hot, he glared at Will and ground out, “I want to get laid. I want to feel wanted, to feel good. I’m finally in a city where there are openly gay men and clubs where I can meet them. So I’m going out to get laid, all the mafia in the world be damned!”
“No.”
“No?” Gadiel repeated incredulously. “How are you going to stop me? You can’t stop me.”
A series of emotions flickered through Will’s face: anger, frustration, concern, and then anger again.
“Can’t I?” he said, crossing his muscular arms over his chest and stepping between Gadiel and the door.
And Gadiel saw red, his frustration morphing into fury.
With a growl, he slammed his fists into Will’s chest, but Will quickly grabbed his arms, preventing him from hitting him again. Breathing hard, Gadiel headbutted him, but Will shifted his arms, pulling him into a headlock and trapping his flailing arms. “Let me go!” Gadiel yelled, bucking and trying to free himself.
“Enough,” Will growled into his ear.
Gadiel went still, all the blood in his body rushing to his dick. His stupid, traitorous dick that didn’t care that he was angry.
“You have no right,” Gadiel bit out. “You can’t just lock me up here and take away my rights!”
“You little idiot,” Will gritted out, shaking him roughly. “Is getting your dick wet more important to you than your life?”
Gadiel laughed. “My life is worth nothing.”
Will’s arms around him tightened. “Don’t say that,” he said quietly.
“But it’s true,” Gadiel whispered, an ache starting in his stomach and creeping into his throat. “I’m getting married next month. My life is over one way or another.”
The thought was nauseating. Nauseatingly real.
Ever since they’d moved here, he’d been so caught up in the domesticity—or perhaps he had been avoiding thinking about it—but it was March already. His wedding was next month . Next month he would be married to a girl he had barely exchanged two words with. And Will would be gone from his life.
It made him feel ill.
Will would be gone . And he would be alone.All these weeks, he had been deluding himself, allowing himself to get used to the intoxicating intimacy and domesticity, allowing himself to be happy here, as if this life with Will was something he could have. It was just pretend.
An idiot. He was such an idiot. A stupid, foolish kid .
“Let me go,” he managed through the lump in throat.
“No,” Will said, more softly, but his tone was still final. He dropped a kiss on top of Gadiel’s head. “Go to your room, love. I’ll clean up here.”
Love .
Such a pretty lie.
And yet, it still fed the starved thing in him. It gobbled it up, placated for now. Placated, never sated.
Gadiel nodded mutely and, once Will loosened his grip, headed to his room.
He changed into his sluttiest outfit, applied eyeliner and mascara to make his eyes pop, and added a touch of color to his lips.
He stared at himself in the mirror, feeling numb.
Love .
He’d never looked better. He shouldn’t have any trouble finding someone to fuck him.
The thought didn’t make him feel even a flicker of arousal.All he could feel was grim resolve. And a misplaced sense of grief for something he’d never really had.
Turning away from the mirror, Gadiel put a small bottle of lube and a few condoms into his pocket. He exhaled shakily, trying to summon some excitement at the prospect of going out, flirting with men, and getting laid, but there was none. He didn’t really want to go out. He didn’t want anyone but Will to touch him. He wanted—
It didn’t matter what he wanted. It never mattered what he wanted.
Gadiel opened his door carefully.
His heart dropped when he saw the empty living room. Part of him had expected Will to be there. Had expected—hoped?—that Will would stop him.
But clearly Will didn’t know him as well as Gadiel thought.
Or he didn’t care that much.
Ignoring the stab of pain, Gadiel headed out.