28. Chapter 28
Chapter 28
Rose
We step out of the resort, where we’ve just left Callum with Sophie and Oliver. I liked them instantly. Sophie’s the county librarian, and she, Milo, and I talked about the latest bestsellers while Oliver and Callum took turns sliding down the Childcare slides. Oliver didn’t let the fact that he’s over six feet tall get in the way of him having fun, and Callum couldn’t get enough of it.
I can see the similarities between Milo and Oliver.
I’m not worried about leaving Callum with Sophie and Oliver. It helps that we can access the security feed to Childcare from our phones. And Milo’s family feels upstanding and sweet. And kind of normal, actually.
“You hungry?” Milo asks, as he drives his car out of the resort parking garage and turns in the direction of Longdale.
“Starved,” I say. I can’t stop looking over at him. His blue Oxford shirt sleeves are rolled up a little, as are the sleeves of his grey blazer. It’s as if he wants me to stare mercilessly at his forearms. His black chinos fit his body perfectly. And his spicy, clean scent? Forget about it. Now that I’ve decided to finally stop fighting my feelings for him, I’m completely unable to stop staring.
And the way his gaze dipped at my apartment when I walked out of the bathroom? I don’t feel the discrepancies in our clothing costs. I don’t feel less than. Because this man loved what he saw. He drank in the sight of me in my tight burgundy lace dress and brown leather heels like I was a everything he ever wanted in a woman.
“There’s a pretty good Chinese place in town. Or we could drive over to Tollark to that burger place they have.”
“Chinese sounds amazing.” I hardly ever go out to eat, so the thought of heavy, spicy food has my mouth watering.
“So, have you gotten caught up on Thaddeus Blackthorn yet?” I ask. “I’m dying to discuss it with someone. It’s getting so good.”
“You really like it, huh?” Milo’s focused on the road ahead.
“I was almost late getting back to work after my lunchbreak because I was reading it. If Blackthorn ever decides to publish it into a physical book, I’m buying it and then searching him out to get him to sign it.”
“Wow. You are a fan.” He white knuckles the steering wheel. “Should I be jealous?”
“No.” I scoff. “He’s probably a grandfather living in a retirement community in Boca Raton. You might need to be a little jealous of the brilliance of his mind, but other than that, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Okay, good.” He hesitates, peering at the road in front of us. “I think.”
“So?” I say impatiently. “Are you caught up or would talking about it give you spoilers?”
He pauses. “I’m caught up, yes.” Something in his voice seems off, though.
“Are you sure?” I ask with a bit of a laugh.
“Yes. I’ve read it. What are your thoughts?”
I squeal and clap my hands together. “Can you believe what happened with Zehma? I’m glad the torture wasn’t explicitly described because ever since I had Callum, my tolerance for violence has gone way down.”
“Yeah, I’m not a fan of explicit violence, either,” he says. “What did you think of Balthor’s big speech?”
“The rallying cry? Powerful. And the way Zehma could hear it from the room she was being held in? And the tears dissolving the ropes that had her bound? I didn’t see that coming.”
“Right?” He smiles at me but quickly turns his attention back to the road.
We talk about the plot of Zehma the rest of the drive, but by the time we’re seated in the restaurant, Milo changes the subject. He asks me how work is going and after I answer and ask about his, he stills.
“I feel more comfortable in my job,” he says.
“That’s good. But that doesn’t mean it has to be forever.”
“There are other things, other thoughts for the future,” he says. “But I’m content for now.”
“Do you feel like those mice in The Muppet’s Christmas Carol?”
The way his face falls has me backpedaling.
“I didn’t mean to make your work sound menial, or—”
“No, it’s cool.” He sings a line from the movie. “‘I am an island in the sun!’” He grins and then adds, “And Sebastian totally works as Scrooge.”
But there’s something in his eyes that doesn’t feel exactly genuine.
“There’s something you’re not telling me,” I say.
“What do you mean?”
I eye him carefully. “I remember sensing, the night we met, that you’d rather be doing something else. And I’m getting that feeling now, too.” And I can’t help the feeling of low-key panic that surfaces because I can’t tolerate people hiding things from me. It feels dishonest.
Which doesn’t make sense. This is his deal. It’s not about me. That doesn’t mean my head doesn’t start throbbing.
“It’s fine,” he says. “Catching glimpses of you throughout the day, going over to your place after a long day? I’m all good.”
“What would you rather be doing? If you could have any job in the world?”
He stares at me. “World explorer. Superhero. Firefighter. Just to name a few.”
My first instinct is to think Real mature, Milo . But for some reason, it doesn’t seem immature when he says it. It seems playful, yes. But also, strangely mature . Like he knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to say it.
When I smile, he sighs. “It’s not like I can’t be happy working for Sebastian. I know I can. I think it’s just going to take some time to get used to it.”
“Choosing a career that’s fulfilling is important, though.”
“Like you and nursing.”
“Yes.”
The waiter arrives and takes our orders. I order a yellow curry. Milo orders sweet and sour chicken, beef and broccoli, and cream cheese rangoons.
We chitchat, and I try not to stare too much at this lovely man across the table from me. But sometimes I can’t help it.
Once our food arrives and we begin eating, his face grows somber. “Rose, I want to thank you for something, but it’s kind of hard to explain.”
I rest my elbows on the table and then sink my chin in my hands. “I’ll take a thank you anytime. Go for it.”
“I have to thank you because you helped me pull my head out of the muck and realize what’s truly important. Rose, you know that I really, really like you. You inspire me to settle down, work hard, and get serious about my career. I want to be able to support a family, you know? It’s what I want.”
“I don’t know what to say besides you’re welcome.” I’m touched. But I also feel the familiar touch of claustrophobia that comes when I think of what that might mean for my future with Milo.
I know I’m wishy-washy, one minute all in and the next minute pushing him away. I frustrate myself, but I don’t know how to change it. Still, I’m not going to give up the time I have with him.
“Just understand that you’ve had a big impact on me in a lot of ways. I want to be the kind of man you need, Rose.” He shifts back in his chair. “I know you think things have to end in September. I know we’re different in a lot of ways. But I’m here. And I’ll be here for you. I want to be stable and steady. You haven’t had that before, not from anything. I want to be the man you deserve.”
Tears well up in my eyes and my throat burns. “I’ve never had anyone say anything even remotely like that to me before.”
“And you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were. Not from your father or from Blaine or anyone else.”
“I know. I didn’t deserve it and no one else in my family did, either.”
“I want to do all I can to help you in whatever you need, Rose.”
“Right now, working at Tate is in some ways perfect, with the free childcare and benefits and everything. But I am getting excited to go to school.”
Milo nods. “And I know you have some reservations about your family being here and you being there.”
“It was hard enough to think of leaving my family to go to North Carolina two years ago. I mean, I wanted to get away for a while and live my own life. But I was the one to take Eden’s other kids to appointments after T.J. died. For a couple of years after, every time I came over to her place, she could hardly get up off the couch. I don’t blame her, I really don’t. But she had other kids to take care of and her husband was long gone. He left when T.J. started declining.
“My mom was struggling at the time and working a lot. She showed up for Eden, too, but it was harder on her, you know? It’s like the more bad things happen to her or her kids, the more she shuts down in some ways.” I swallow hard. I hadn’t meant to go on and on like that, but now that it’s out there, I don’t hate that I said it.
“My mom has had times like that, too,” Milo says. “I think motherhood is just really hard sometimes. Life can be really hard.” He takes a sip of ice water and shakes his head. “Not that that’s a big profound statement. Of course it’s hard.”
“I know what you mean. We all like to walk around pretending we have it all together, but most of the time we don’t.”
“We just don’t want to admit it.”
“Yeah. I was accepted to UNC ‘s medical program and all set to go when I found
out I was pregnant. It was like the worst case of secondhand karma, like the universe was telling me, Hey we see you’re trying to break free from the family patterns, the family drama, but nope! Think again. UNC let me defer for one year. I knew that wouldn’t be enough, especially since I’d have a newborn. Then, because I absolutely used my Jedi mind powers on them, praying so hard that entire year, they approved my request to defer another year. If I don’t go this fall, there won’t be any more chances.”
Milo swallows hard and tugs at the collar of his shirt. “I don’t doubt you used your Jedi mind powers. You’ve used them on me, too.”
I smile, glancing down at my food a moment before I take another bite, chew, and swallow. “I have a confession to make.” And before I can talk myself out of it, I spill all about how I overheard him talking with his brothers. “I admit I was jealous of this Gloria woman! But you know what? At the same time, I knew there was a logical explanation. I can’t explain it, but I knew you wouldn’t lie to me. I knew there was no one else.” My shoulders slump. “Which is surprising considering my own track record—and that of my family’s.”
His cheeks redden. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. My brothers are . . . protective.”
“As are my siblings.”
“Do you have any questions about what you heard?”
“Hmm. Where do I start? Do I ask you about your brothers saying we’re in completely different leagues? That it won’t work because I’m a single mother? Or that part about how I tracked you down at Tate and only got the job to convince you to date me?”
“Wow.” The tips of Milo’s ears turn pink. “You did hear a lot. I’m sorry about that.”
“And I’m sorry I eavesdropped. I should have left the room right when I realized I could hear what everyone was saying.”
“Those aren’t my beliefs, though, Rose. Every single one of my brothers had obstacles to overcome with the women they fell in love with. Sebastian’s wife, Elianna, was his assistant. Talk about opposites attract! Sophie and Oliver had been solidly in the friend zone for like twenty years before they finally started dating. Henry and Quinn had been divorced for a year before they reconciled! Oakley started helping Alec with his knee injury. Neither of them were looking for a relationship at all, but it was meant to be, so it worked out. And don’t even get me started on Gabriel and River. They had the crazy idea of getting married to pull one over on my dad. They had a fake marriage before they finally realized they were actually in love with each other for real.”
I reach across the table and grasp Milo’s forearm. “What in the . . .?”
He drops his head back in a laugh. “I know! I’ve never heard of anything crazier. You need to hear them tell the story. It was nuts. But my point is, it worked out. All of my brothers’ hardships turned out to be helpful to them. They just forget that when they see me.”
I nod slowly. “Maybe you’re right.”
“What? You starting to feel better about us?” His mouth drops open.
I lift a shoulder and play with the stem of my glass. “Maybe.”
Milo’s smile is grave. “I’ll take ‘maybe.’”
“You’re never fazed, are you? I don’t understand your level of commitment.”
“I’m loyal to a lot of things. But Rose? This isn’t about being a loyal person. This is about you and the way I feel about you.”
“I feel a lot of strong feelings about you, too.” My cheeks warm—due to more reasons than just the curry—and I hide them behind my napkin.
He seems to know there’s not much more about this that can be said right now.
We finish eating, he pays the bill. He even stands and pulls my chair out for me. Once outside in the early spring air, he wraps his arm around me as we walk along the pavement. My soul needs this man, I know this. His words enter my insides and brand them with an iron.
I use my fingers to try to temper the hair that the wind blows across my face so I can stare into his eyes. I can barely catch my breath. And suddenly, I’m a foreigner to myself. Because the Rose I know has been fighting for an illusion of control she never even had in the first place. In an effort not to become what I feared I would, I’ve become a shell of myself.
The real Rose Hawkins is too strong and brave to let fear get the better of her. The real Rose Hawkins keeps getting up and trying over and over again.
The real Rose Hawkins loves Milo Tate.
I grab the lapel of his sports coat and kiss him. Hungrily. Ferociously.
And without any fear at all.