Chapter 8 #2
Closing my eyes, I take a breath, puffing air into my cheeks and let it out slowly.
How do I begin to describe what Tyler and I shared?
Do I say even though it was only one night, it felt like forever?
Like, in one single night I felt as though someone knew me better than anyone had my entire life?
It was as though the library was some magical portal with the ability to fast forward weeks of getting to know someone, leaving us so much more than two strangers at a party.
Or do I act like it was purely physical and nothing more.
She’s right, other than this one thing, I’ve never kept secrets from Penny.
So after a few seconds of hemming and hawing I tell her everything.
She sits with rapt attention as I recount every detail. From the drinking game, the sex, lying together holding one another, and finally, the wish I dared to speak aloud. My mind conjures it as easily as if it were yesterday. I wish the universe would find a way for me to keep you.
I pause, digging in my purse for the note he left, and slide it across the table to Penny.
She unfolds it, a sheen of tears glistening in her eyes as she reads the words, faded with age, and releases a long breath.
Sliding the note back to me, she and I sit staring at it, sitting in the truth of my predicament.
“What now?” Penny finally asks, breaking the silence.
“Honestly, I have no idea. He has an entire life somewhere, right? He’ll want to get back to that.”
Penny’s eyes narrow, head shaking. “Josephine Thomas. You plan on telling him, right? Tyler deserves to be a part of Abby’s life.”
Unable to meet her stare, I train my eyes on my coffee cup.
“I know I have to. But I’m scared. And when he goes back to wherever he came from—”
“Texas,” Penny supplies.
“When he goes back to Texas, what then? For all I know, he has a girlfriend waiting on him.”
“He told Austin he’s here indefinitely. And there’s no girlfriend.”
Summoning nonchalance, I pretend this news doesn’t stir emotions better left alone. Ones that feel an awful lot like hope.
I’ve had fourteen years to make peace with the way everything played out—or pretend I have.
Those first years after Abby was born, I hoped and prayed some miracle would occur and our paths would cross again, but I knew it was impossible.
Tyler was like a sketch of art taking up space in my mind, stolen from me before our story could be told in color.
Then Chad came along. When he left, I cobbled myself back together with duct tape and sheer force of will, and kept moving. One foot in front of the other, day by day. And my kids and I are fine.
Are you, though? That still small voice whispers in my head. The one I try really hard to ignore. But sometimes, the whispered voice can be heard the loudest, so loud it screams.
“I don’t know how to tell him,” I admit.
“Well, you should do it sooner rather than later. I figured it out immediately and not much gets past Tyler. It’s only a matter of time before he puts all the pieces together. Honestly, I’m shocked he hasn’t already, given how much Abby favors him. Allow him this opportunity to be a father, Josie.”
“And what makes you think he’d want to be involved? I’m a lot, Penny. What if we’re too much—I’m too much—and he leaves, too? I’m terrified I’ll ruin this for Abby.”
Penny shakes her head and rolls her eyes so far back in her head, I’m surprised they don’t get stuck.
“If you have to ask that then you don’t know Tyler.”
Her words give me pause. Because she’s right.
I don’t know Tyler. There’s only the version of him I knew for one night.
Now he’s a stranger, a stranger who’s about to find out he’s the father of a thirteen-year-old.
Of course he’ll want to get to know her.
But do I want him to get to know me as well?
Maybe? I don’t know. With the history I’ve had, the thought is terrifying.
Penny takes my hand, and my eyes lift to meet hers. “He’s a good man, Jo. When he commits to something or someone, he’s the steadiest person in the room. And he never leaves their corner. There are no better hands for you and your kids to land in.”
Penny and I sip our coffee and share the French toast in silence, which is unusual for the two of us.
We’ve landed ourselves in an odd role reversal.
After being gone just shy of a decade, Penny moved back here and we picked up right where we left off, like no time had passed, my lifelong best friend, my ride or die.
But I’m the oldest in this friendship, therefore I’m usually the one doling out my thoughts on her life.
I’m great at giving advice but terrible at following it.
Breaking the news to Tyler has occupied my thoughts, not him staying and spending time with Abby. Now faced with this new conundrum, I’m running laps in my head, circling round and round the pros and cons of Tyler getting to know our daughter.
Pros—it’s the right thing to do. Abby and Tyler deserve the opportunity to have a relationship.
Cons—if he leaves like Chad and my own dad—it’ll devastate Abby. I don’t know how I’d handle watching her go through that.
I’m lying by not adding myself to that list. What if he and I spend time together, I find he’s every bit as great as I’ve hoped and imagined over the years, and then he leaves.
What does that say about me? That I’m not worth staying for?
I might never recover. It’d be the final blow to my already battered and bruised heart.
He might say he’s here indefinitely, but talk is cheap when leaving seems to be the norm for people in my life.
Penny’s hand drifts to rest on her stomach, returning my thoughts to the other day when she did the same motion standing by the stage. I shift the conversation, turning the tables on her.
“Is there something you wanna tell me? I perhaps witnessed the slight resting of the hand on one’s belly, the way one might do when with child.
” Holding my coffee cup, pinky out, I assume a posh, yet silly, British accent to deflect from any remnants of our previous conversation.
Deflection by humor is by far the greatest tool in my arsenal.
Penny’s eyes drop to her plate of French toast. Guilty as charged.
“Did anyone else notice?” Her eyes flicker back up to mine.
I lift a shoulder. “You know this town is full of busy bodies. I can’t say for sure. I mean, I didn’t tell a soul.”
“It’s very new. Austin and I haven’t told anyone yet. I need to get through the first trimester. And what if something goes wrong and Austin struggles with it? He’s been doing so well, y’know?”
Austin has been doing well. When he got to Singing River he was battling addiction, but found the strength to get help. Penny saw him through some dark times, and I’m sure the fear of returning there weighs on her.
Moving to her side of the booth, I wrap an arm around her and pull her to me. “Penny girl, there are no words to tell you how happy I am for you. You will be the best mom and you and Austin will get through this pregnancy together. He has plenty of people supporting him. You two can do this.”
Penny turns a watery smile my way, her brown eyes shining with unshed tears. “I have no clue what I’m doing. With Mom gone…” Her words trail off, and I squeeze her tighter.
“There’s not a doubt in my mind you’ll be an amazing mom.
You were raised by the best. I can’t wait to see you rock the shit out of motherhood.
You and Austin don’t owe this news to anyone until you’re both ready.
Until then, your secret is safe with me, and you know I’m here for you, sis.
Call me any hour of the day with any questions you might have. ”
I give her shoulder another squeeze, and Jackson appears with our checks. Penny and I leave cash on the table, giving him goodbye hugs before we head outside to part ways. I’m almost to my car when Penny calls out after me. “Think about what I said, Jo. I’m serious.”
I raise a hand to my forehead in a salute, which makes her laugh. Once I’m in the driver’s seat, I crank the engine, my Cranberries CD starting up. Humming along to “Dreams,” I steer my car toward the market to grab the groceries I’ll need for Thanksgiving.
Of course I get the cart with the wonky wheel, the kind that clink, clink, clinks, and stubbornly pulls to the right while I do my best to forge a straight path through the store.
This only adds to my jumbled thoughts. I collect the items on my list, my mind on a spin cycle with the choices I’m facing regarding Tyler.
Keeping my head down, I smile at the cashier like I’m not internally spiraling about the biggest decision I’ve had to make in years.
As I’m pulling into my driveway, I tilt my head and squint my eyes.
Something is different about my house. I rarely take time to study the exterior, but something has changed.
Then it hits me. In the time it took for me to have breakfast with Penny, grab a few groceries and get back home, someone rehung that dang shutter that fell last spring during a storm.
No, not someone. Tyler. My mind jumps to him, exiting the hardware store.
I’m still sitting in my car, wondering if my hunch is correct, when my gaze snags on a slip of paper taped to the screen door.
Looping all the grocery bags over one arm, I head up the front walk, my steps quickening as I reach the porch.
I snatch the note from the door and scan the words.
Before I even get to the end, I already know who wrote it.
Jo,
Austin made some calls. I’m renting a room over the bar. I’ll be here indefinitely. Thought I’d make myself useful and hang your shutter. Call if you need anything.
Ty
The thought of him renting the apartment over Old Town Tavern makes me feel things I’m unsure how to define. He’s a complete stranger to me, but if he’s anything like he was back then, he prefers the quiet. But he has been on the road with Austin for years. Maybe he’s adjusted? Hell if I know.
What I do know is this: Tyler doesn’t even know the full story yet and he’s choosing to plant himself in my world.
My heart kicks up in equal parts comfort and terror.
Comfort, because the idea of a man like Tyler planting himself in my world makes the ground beneath me feel less shaky.
Terror, because one wrong move could destroy everything I’ve built to keep myself and my kids safe from heartache.
Sighing, I swing open the door and head inside.
Abby sits on the couch, flute at her lips, practicing a song the band will play in their upcoming Christmas concert.
One of the pads keeps sticking, causing her to miss a few notes, and I make a mental note to check with the band director about fixing it.
I couldn’t afford a new one when Abby joined the band, so she plays a school issued instrument instead.
Smudge sits on his haunches at her feet, howling along to the song.
I shake my head, chuckling at the sight, and she stops playing when she hears me.
“That man was here earlier. I saw him outside doing something in the yard.”
“What man?” I play dumb, knowing good and well what man she’s referring to.
“The one from the other day. He brought you home.” She looks back at the sheet music in front of her. “That was weird, by the way. How he stepped in and took over when you passed out.”
“He’s Austin’s cousin. I think that’s his personality.” I wave her off. “You know, jumping in and helping people when they need it.” Oh my gosh. Has Abby figured it out already?
When she started kindergarten and saw all the dads of her classmates, she started asking questions.
She knew Chad wasn’t her biological father which left gaps to be filled in.
One night I was tucking her into bed, and with a chubby little hand she touched my blonde lock of hair, asking where she got her hair and eyes.
I remember gently cupping her cheek and explaining that she got the most beautiful hair and eyes from her father.
She also got his kindness, his willingness to help out, and I told her as much.
Does she remember that conversation? She’s asked more questions over the years, ones I could explain quickly without dwelling on something she and I would never have.
Abby resumes practicing while I head to the kitchen to put the groceries away, pulling out my phone to text Penny.
He fixed my shutter.
Penny
That tracks. I told you, Jo, he’s a good man.
I have an idea.
I’m listening…
Penny
Have thanksgiving at my house. We aren’t eating until dinner, so that’d give you plenty of time for lunch with your grandmother.
Then you can be around him with the buffer of our families.
What should I bring?
Penny
Bring a dessert. And that rice casserole I love.
And what time?
Penny
Let’s shoot for 5:30
Is this you telling me the wrong time so I won’t be late?
Penny
I’ll do my best. What should I wear? What are you wearing?
Penny
Wear those jeans you wore to book club last month. Boho purple top with the flowy sleeves.
It’s not too much? That top kinda shows my cleavage. Don’t wanna bust up in there with my girls hanging out, ya know?
Penny
Even better.