Chapter 21
“Mawmaw?” Tapping the door lightly, I slowly push it open, whispering her name. My grandmother is dozing, so I tiptoe in, careful not to wake her.
She looks so thin and frail in the hospital bed. The gown swallows her whole, the neck hanging so one of her shoulders is exposed. Always such a light sleeper, when I straighten it, she stirs, raising her head to peer up at me. A purple bruise is already forming on her cheek—I guess from her fall.
“Josephine,” she says, recognition lighting up her eyes. My name coming from her lips is such a relief, I almost feel lightheaded from it. This situation would have been much more difficult had she not recognized me, harder to explain if she mistook me for her sister, or worse a complete stranger.
“Hey there, Mawmaw. Sounds like you took a tumble, yeah?” She reaches out from the blanket, taking my hand in hers. Her skin is freezing, so I pull the blankets up further, tucking them in around her.
“Craziest thing. I was sound asleep when I heard pecking on my window. I thought for sure it was finally those hummingbirds, returning from their journey.” She’s on the hummingbirds again.
I’m sure the pecking she heard was footsteps or even typing on a computer, but in her confused mind I see how easily she could mistake it for pecking on her window.
“And you tripped on something?” I ask.
“That part’s a plum mystery, Josephine. One second I’m walking to the window, and the next I’m sprawled out on the floor, my elbow screaming in pain.”
I brush a fingertip against the bruising of her cheek. “Did you hit your face or your head? Looks like a nasty bruise you’ve got forming.”
Mawmaw shakes her head. “I-I honestly don’t remember falling. I only remember the pain in my elbow.”
“What did the doctor say? Do you remember if they’ve done any X-rays yet?”
The words are leaving my lips right as a light knock sounds at the door and a man in a white lab coat steps inside.
“Good evening.” He extends his hand and I take it. “I’m Dr. Russell.”
“Josie,” I say, introducing myself. “This is my grandmother, Martha.”
“Josie, when your grandmother fell she must have landed on her elbow.” He pulls out an X-ray, placing it on the screen.
“See here, the bony point of her elbow has what’s called an Olecranon fracture.
Fortunately, it’s not severe and will heal without surgical intervention.
Because of your grandmother’s age and condition, I will need to put a cast on it, though.
That’ll help ensure no further damage happens while the bone heals.
I look to my grandmother to see if she’s following everything the doctor said. She’s nodding her head, and relief washes over me once again that right now she’s here in the present with us.
“Is that okay, Mawmaw? The doctor needs to put a cast on your arm.”
Mawmaw’s eyes dart to mine, to the doctor, back to mine, and she nods.
“Yes, that’s fine. What about the bruise on her face? Did you notice that? I’m concerned she might have hit her head.”
The doctor walks to my grandmother’s bedside, inspecting her face. “I’ll order a CT scan to be sure.”
About that time a nurse steps in behind the doctor and they wheel my grandmother out and down the hallway.
The adrenaline that’s been pumping through my veins the last hour is quickly crashing down around me, but tired though I may be, my brain can’t seem to slow down.
I sink to the reclining chair, propping my feet up to wait on my grandmother’s return.
My mind can’t fully focus on any one thing, rather it ping-pongs from topic to topic, from my kids, to Tyler, to everything going on at school.
Complete thoughts fail me, and I simply look around the room for at least an hour, maybe longer.
Eventually, memories start bubbling up like Polaroid snapshots developing in slow motion. Ones I haven’t thought about in years.
Mawmaw took care of me and my brother after she’d already raised her own kids, which was no easy feat.
My brother and I were both a handful, but she did her very best with us.
She bought me watermelon bubble gum every Saturday when she did her grocery shopping, and always had the funny papers laid out for me when I’d eat my morning cereal.
She even taught me to ride a bike. I get my love of books from her, from nights of her baking apple turnovers and plopping us down to watch Little Women or Anne of Green Gables.
Gilbert Blythe was my first crush, and I told her this after requesting to watch it a third time.
When we weren’t watching movies, we’d stretch out on the couch, her at one end and me at the other, and silently read while my brother built Legos on the floor. She always had an Amish romance while I lost myself in Sweet Valley High.
Mawmaw was a steel magnolia, with her southern politeness paired with a tenacious spine.
Her love was tidy, measured, often packaged in practicality and correction.
But it was love, no question. Deep rooted and unwavering.
She gave me and my brother stability after my mom failed us.
And most importantly, she was present. Now I have to remember to be present for her while I still can, not distracted by hopes and dreams.
Somehow, among these ponderings, I must fall asleep, because I wake to the sound of someone in the room.
Slowly, I crack an eye open to a nurse taking my grandmother’s vitals.
I must have slept through her return. A purple cast is wound around her arm and she’s sleeping soundly, her mouth open emitting soft snores.
My phone lies in my lap and I tap the screen to check the time.
11:34 p.m. It’s too late to call for a sub at school, but I can call in the morning.
I do, however, need to let my friends know what’s going on.
Lisa’s a night owl, so I’m sure she’s awake.
Depending on how long I’m here, she might have to help out with Abby and Jay.
I check my texts and see one from the group chat I have with Lisa and Penny.
Lisa
Just checking in. Tyler let Penny and I know what’s going on. I’ve already been to your house to get Smudge and I’ll do whatever you need me to do for the kids.
Penny
Jo, how’s your Mawmaw? I know this must have scared you.
My friends and I exchange a few texts back and forth while I update them on my Mawmaw’s fall.
Penny offers to pitch in with my kids if they keep my grandmother a few days, and I promise to keep them both updated.
I think the conversation is coming to a close when my phone lights up with one more text.
Penny
I’m gonna need to know why he was at your house when you got the call. Kids both gone, and Tyler shows up. Looks suspicious if you ask me. Imma need all the details, stat.
Ignoring that last text, I sit with the reality that Tyler handled all this for me, because of course he thought to let Penny and Lisa know.
Then I gasp, a hand going to my mouth. Is he still seated in that waiting room?
I’m sure he is. The thought of him out there waiting tugs at that thread of hope, but I know what I have to do.
I don’t know why I keep forgetting where my responsibilities lie, where my focus should be.
What happened with my grandmother is evidence I can’t lead him on to think we could be anything.
I have too much going on, I’m too much for him to get mixed up with.
Letting my focus stray from my grandmother allows things like this to happen.
And she deserves as much of my time as I can give.
Tyler, on the other hand, deserves someone with less baggage, less mess to constantly clean up.
And he would commit to cleaning up after me—there’s not a doubt in my mind.
Based on his stories, that’s exactly what he does.
I’m sure in his mind, he’s already telling himself we are his new commitment.
Eventually, though, he’ll realize I’m too much.
Even a man like Tyler must have his limits.
The burnout would come and he’d leave. It’s what my father did.
It’s what Chad did. My mother is always leaving, and even my brother, in a roundabout way, left me.
And every day I’m reminded that my grandmother is also slowly leaving me.
I’d be fooling myself to believe Tyler wouldn’t do the same.
He might say he’d never leave. Hell, I’m sure he’d believe the words as he spoke them. But I know how it ends. Because I know who I am and what my life is like.
This is the lie I tell my sinking heart as I snip that tiny thread of hope.
Standing, I cross the room to the hospital bed and press a quick kiss to Mawmaw’s forehead.
Stepping into the hallway, I quietly walk to the waiting room.
Tyler doesn’t see me at first, so I stand in the doorway, taking him in.
He’s sitting, one ankle resting on the top of his knee, reading a book.
His glasses slide down his nose, and with his index finger he pushes them back in place.
I think, if I allowed myself, I could fall hard for this man.
This kind, caring, supportive man. But that wouldn’t be fair to him or to my kids.
Because when he eventually does realize I’m too much, everyone involved would suffer.
This is why telling Abby the truth is so hard for me, why I keep putting it off.
She’d be hurt if she knew we were keeping this from her, but protecting my children from pain is my job.
Tyler glances up, closing the book he’s been reading when I move further into the room. Taking a seat in the chair across from him, I feel his gaze on me as I work up the courage to meet his eyes.
“How’s your grandmother?” he asks, breaking the silence.
I explain to him what the doctor said, and then fall quiet again, tapping my thumb against my thigh.
“What’s going on, Jo?” Tyler asks, leaning forward propping his elbows on his knees.
“Earlier…what happened back at my house. We shouldn’t have done that.” I force the words from my lips, hating each and every syllable.
Tyler furrows his brow, head cocked to the side. “Says who? From where I sit, it was perfect.”
“Where do you see this going, Tyler? You and me. Because from my experience I’ll tell you where it will go.
The relationship will progress, and I’ll end up falling for you.
But you’ll become so focused on fixing my life to make it easier that eventually you burn out and realize I’m not worth it.
And you’ll leave. That’s where this will go. ”
A frown creases his brow as Tyler rears back like my words were a physical blow. “Then you don’t know me at all.”
“No. I don’t. And you don’t know me. Believe me when I tell you that is what will happen, because it’s happened before.
I am better off alone. I’ve known this for years, but for some reason I fooled myself into thinking I could try for something with you.
” I pause to take a breath. “Trust me. This is what’s best for you. ”
“Why don’t you let me decide what’s best for me?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I force out the words.
“We can’t be anything, Tyler. I thought you were just a memory, but here you are back in our lives.
But I’m not that fun loving girl you met back then.
I’m damaged goods full of abandonment issues.
You’re welcome to still hang out with Abby and Jay.
Come over as often as you want. But kissing you was a mistake…
wanting you is a mistake, and I can’t let it happen again. ”
My eyes open to a wounded expression on his handsome face.
I know it probably looks like I’m catastrophizing and being reactive.
Tyler has done nothing to hurt me, he’s only been present for me since his arrival in Singing River.
But he could hurt me. And I can never hand that power over to another man again. I just can’t do it.
“I’m sorry. If you want, you can take my car home and I’ll let Lisa or Penny come get me. There’s no reason for you to sit out here waiting.”
I stand to leave, but he rises, grabbing my hand hauling me to him. I put a flattened palm to his chest, keeping distance between us.
“Josie, you’re crazy if you think I’m going anywhere.
Whenever your grandmother gets discharged, I’ll be right here waiting.
I’ll drive you both back to Singing River.
Lisa and Penny have the kids handled, and I’ve got you.
Okay? Let me catch you. When you’ve had some sleep, can we talk about this? ”
I don’t trust myself to speak. Fighting back tears, I nod and hurriedly leave the room. When I get back to my grandmother’s room, I quietly enter, seeing that she’s still asleep. Lowering back to the recliner, I bury my face in my hands to steady my ragged breaths.
What a mess I am. The most perfect man to ever walk this earth wants to be part of my life, and I’m telling him no. But this is the right move, as much as my heart breaks at the thought.