Chapter 38
Stress eating is never a good thing. And that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, sitting in my driveway with the engine still running.
After the game, I dropped the kids off, ran to grab a few groceries, and here I am, bag of cheese in my lap.
The plastic-like string cheese I’m currently chewing doesn’t even have a flavor at this point. But it doesn’t matter.
A tap on my car window startles me, and I look up to see Penny and Cassie watching me with curious expressions. Penny gives the universal sign for me to roll my window down, so I do.
“What are you doing?” she asks, looking past me to the string cheese wrappers littering my passenger seat.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m eating my feelings.”
“Good god, Josie.” Cassie peers around Penny into my car. “How many of those have you eaten so far?”
I look over at all the wrappers and then to the package in my lap.
“I don’t know. Six…maybe seven. I lost count.”
“Oh, honey.” Penny opens my car door and grabs my arm. “We need to get you inside for a glass of wine.”
“And maybe a laxative,” Cassie throws in.
I shoot her a mock glare but cut the engine, allowing Penny to lead me by my arm into my house, where Lisa waits on the couch. Glancing to my right down the hallway, I see that both of my kids’ doors are shut.
“What is this?” I ask, voice brittle as I look at each of them. “Are we about to play Am I the Asshole?”
They all trade meaningful looks, having a silent conversation of their own.
“Clearly someone thinks they’re the asshole,” Penny says under her breath, then all eyes are on me.
Lisa’s the one to respond. “This is an intervention.”
I sigh and drop down on the couch. Penny and Cassie settle on the floor pouring three glasses of wine and juice for Penny.
Taking a glass from Cassie, I take a long sip to stall.
This day was inevitably going to happen.
I’m sure Tyler has told Austin how I’ve been acting, and Austin told Penny and Cassie.
And then they all got Lisa involved because she’s much older than the rest of us and the mother figure of our group.
When she speaks I listen. Or try to, at least.
“Josie, you’re not being fair to Tyler,” Penny starts. “I don’t know what’s going on. I know you don’t mean to be the asshole, but he’s hurting, and obviously you are, too.”
“Honestly, this whole thing is pissing me off,” Cassie rushes out, and I whip my head to her.
Penny shakes her head quickly. “Nope, Cass. Back away slowly.”
But I’m already seething. “No, Penny. Let her speak. What about this pisses you off, Cassie?”
Cassie pushes her hair back from her face and sits up straighter.
“Josie, I’m not trying to guilt you or push you into something you’re not ready for.
But I’m going to say this, and I need you to really hear me.
Tyler is my brother in every sense of the word.
I know him better than most people.” She blows out a breath, eyes boring into me.
“He’s such a good person. Like…down-to-his-bones good.
He’s been showing up for you, for Abby, for Jay, since day one.
Surely you see how good he is. And you’re pushing him away like he’s disposable.
It’s just wrong. I know I’m new here, and I love you to pieces, but he’s my family.
I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.
He’s not perfect, but when he loves, he’s all in.
No games. No half-measures. Anyone with eyes can see he’s already in this with you. ”
Cassie gives me a long, considerate look before she presses on.
“So if you don’t want him, fine. Let him go. Don’t keep him hanging in the middle. He doesn’t deserve that. Josie, have you seen him? You’re breaking him. And the worst part is, I don’t think you even want to.”
Her words hit harder than I expect. Because she’s not wrong. And that does make it worse.
“The two of you share a child, for fuck’s sake.
Work this shit out. Fight for it. Because there is no one—and I mean no one—more worth it.
You don’t have to be fully healed from all you’ve been through to accept what he’s offering.
I promise, if you give Tyler a chance, he’ll move heaven and earth for you and those kids.
” Cassie’s voice rises the longer she speaks, and Penny nudges her to quiet down, motioning down the hall to the kids’ rooms. All I can hope is that Abby has her new earbuds in.
“Oh, and about that,” Cassie adds, lowering her voice. “I’m on a roll now. It’s past time that you guys told her. I get that you’re all in your head about this, but that kid deserves to know the truth.”
I take three long breaths, eyes closed to steady myself. Fighting with Cassie will solve nothing, and will only add to my stress level. Hurting people hurt people, and I don’t want to do that to her. Plus, I know Cassie is channeling her inner therapist, treating me like one of her clients.
“Cassie,” I begin, steeling my spine, but my voice wavers, belying my false sense of resolve.
“I have lived my entire adult life watching everyone in this town feel sorry for me. Countless times I’ve wondered if, behind my back, people around town whisper, Poor Josie.
Nobody sticks around for her.” I jab my chest with my finger.
“I am pissed off. Pissed off at my mom, my dad, Chad, pissed off that my grandmother is fading from my life, pissed off that it took fourteen years for Tyler and I to find each other again. And pissed off that he plans on leaving me.” Penny’s eyes snap to mine.
“Oh yes. I heard him on the phone telling someone he’s leaving, right as I’m beginning to trust him.
I’d made up my mind we’d tell Abby this week and everything.
When I confronted him, he couldn’t even give me an explanation.
And what pisses me off the most is that I love him with every bit of my beating heart and now he’s leaving, too. ”
My voice breaks but I refuse to let the shimmer of tears fall. Then I realize what I’ve said out loud. I love him with every bit of my beating heart.
Penny, Cassie, and Lisa all sit wearing matching shocked expressions, the air heavy with my confession.
Penny is the one who speaks up. “Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, Jo. But first, you love him?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I nod. “So much. I miss him terribly and I hate how much I love him because he’s leaving.
That’s why I have to push him away first. I just…
” I choke out, blinking rapidly. “I’ve spent so long convincing myself I was better off alone.
That it was safer not to expect anything from anyone.
Because expecting things means you have something to lose. ”
Penny moves to sit beside me, putting an arm around my shoulder. “And now you have something to lose.”
“I have everything to lose.”
I repeat the conversation I overheard the other day and my reaction.
Looking at each of their faces, it’s clear they’re as puzzled as I am.
We sit quiet for a second before Cassie lets out a breath and leans back on her hands, eyes scanning the ceiling.
“I’m gonna say something. You heard part of a conversation.
Not the whole thing and not with all the information.
You made an assumption, and now you’re ready to burn down the whole damn house because you think the match is already lit. ”
“I don’t know what his conversation was about, but there’s gotta be a missing piece because I don’t see him leaving,” Penny says, shaking her head. “You need to talk to him.”
I look to Lisa to see if she has anything to add. She’s been quiet this whole time, and I’m desperate for her opinion.
“You love him?” I nod at her question, and she goes on.
“Then fight for him, Josie. It’s like you’re waiting to be proven right, that Tyler will leave.
It sounds to me like he’s already proven himself to you, so find it in yourself to believe him, to believe you’re worth staying for.
Because you are, my friend. You’re so worth it. ”
That’s when the tears finally spill over. I’ve cried more this year than my whole life combined, and I’m getting tired of so many big emotions. I let the tears stream down my face, smearing my mascara. Lisa stands to grab a box of tissue from the bathroom and returns, handing me the whole box.
None of us speak for a while, sitting quietly sipping our wine, and Penny her juice. I’m thankful to have friends like these who aren’t afraid to call me on my bullshit and love me through it.
“Thank you,” I eventually say, my voice hoarse.
“Thank you all for this. I needed the honesty, even though it was hard to hear. I don’t know if I say this enough, but I love you ladies.
” I look at each of them, leaving Cassie for last and I reach across and squeeze her hand, letting her know we’re good.
“Also, I don’t think I’ve cried this much since the plane crash episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Tears streaming, snotty nose, ugly crying. ”
Penny laughs and shakes her head. “You’re so dramatic.”
I smile at her and nod. “Sure am. And you love me anyway.”
Hours later, I’m buried beneath my covers, curls spilling across my pillow. Of course I washed my hair the second my friends left. Wearing it straight today made me feel physically sick, even more so when I caught Tyler eyeing my hair with a wounded expression.
Now I’m replaying today’s conversation. Especially my admission.
It felt like a relief speaking it out loud to my friends.
But saying it out loud also created a deep ache with how much I miss him.
I’m exhausted, mentally drained from all the tears I shed earlier today, but as always, this brain of mine won’t shut down.
I want to hear his voice; the way he calls me love.
I could call him. Even though it’s late, he’d pick up. I’m sure of it.
Picking up my phone, I let my thumb hover over his contact. I’ve moved him to my favorites, because that’s what he is. My very favorite person.
No. I don’t need to call tonight. Not with all these half-formed thoughts running through my mind. There’s no telling what would spill from my lips.
I wonder if he’s lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, missing me as much as I miss him. God, I want him here with me, in my bed, where I sleep soundly in his arms.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll call. But tonight I’ll just miss him.