20. Grant
TWENTY
GRANT
In the last seventy-two hours, I’ve gone on two day hikes, explored more of the national forest, and seen phenomenal views of the nearby mountains and lakes. I’ve soaked up the quiet in my cabin and gazed at stars from the comfort of my hot tub. But I haven’t looked forward to anything as much as rafting with Lila.
Seeing her like this makes the wait worth it.
She’s decked out in an athletic tee, quick-dry shorts, and sneakers, with a bright orange personal flotation device over the top. Her dark hair is pulled back into twin braids, she’s awash in eucalyptus oil again, and she’s glaring at me just a little.
“You bought this?” she says low. “You paid actual money for it?”
“They didn’t have much selection.”
We arrived at the rafting offices before she realized she’d left her hat at home. She refused to take my perfectly acceptable Longhorns hat from me, so I found something for her in the gift shop.
Let’s just say it doesn’t match her aesthetic.
“‘I pee in rivers!’” She looks past me to make sure no one else waiting for our trip heard her. Seems unnecessary, since two other guys are wearing the same hat.
That probably wouldn’t comfort her.
“I don’t want your scalp to get burned. Here.” I take mine off and set it on her head. I’ll assume her hesitation was more about stealing my hat than an aversion to the Longhorns. “I’ll wear this one.”
I pull the “I pee in rivers” hat low over my forehead and flash her a grin. “Good?”
She rolls her eyes, but she can’t hold in her giggles. “You’re ridiculous. You need to set that on fire as soon as the trip is over.”
“No way. This is a souvenir now.” Rhett will be jealous.
She shakes her head at my taste in clothes, but she’s still smiling so I have no problem wearing the tacky hat.
The Wildwater Rafters offices are on about an acre of wooded land. Rafts are stacked on trailers, and guests wind their way from the main building to the shuttle vans in the parking lot. Our safety presentation will start soon, and then we’ll take a thirty minute ride to where we’ll put in on the river.
“I still don’t think I’m up for this much responsibility.” She hefts the plastic oar we selected for her. “Doesn’t seem safe.”
“I wouldn’t put you on a river where you would be in danger.” They have trips that cover class IV and V rapids, but this one will barely hit class III. We could probably handle it in an inner tube—which I would never suggest.
Actually…taking a few hours to raft a slow section of the river, just the two of us? Sounds pretty good to me. I’m not sure which scenario would make her more uncomfortable, though.
She twists her mouth to the side. “We don’t define danger the same way.”
“Princess, the age range is four and up. You’ re going to be fine.” I get a light smack on the arm for my sass. She looks a little more relaxed, though. Kids run around all over the place, and exactly none of them are taking their responsibilities with the oars seriously. She has no chance of being the weakest link on this trip.
“A rogue wave might wash me overboard.” She plays coy like she knows she’s grasping.
“I would hold onto you.”
It’s been hard to think about much else since our show for her ex. My hands on her, pulling her close. Her sweet and spicy perfume drifting around us. How her eyes had fluttered shut in anticipation. I should have kissed her until she forgot the guy ever existed. But I hadn’t wanted our first kiss to be in front of him, and I’d held back.
Makes no sense, considering he’s the only reason we’re pretending. Well… she’s pretending. I’m not doing anything I wouldn’t have already done.
“I don’t know.” Her eyes drift across my chest and down my arms. “I’m not sure you could hold me tight enough.”
Is that an invitation? Let me RSVP.
I grab her around the waist and haul her into my arms until we’re eye to eye. She shrieks with laughter but wraps her arms around my shoulders. Our PFDs put a bulky layer of padding between us, but I like the feel of her in my arms. She feels like she belongs right here.
“I can handle you.”
One of her hands moves over the hair at the nape of my neck. Heat spreads outward across my skin like my own personal supernova, searing everything in its path. That small touch is too much and not nearly enough.
“You did say you like a challenge,” she says softly.
Her weight is no issue, but I don’t think she’s talking about that. Does she think she’s a challenge? Too much for me to deal with? Too much, full stop? I’ve got a strong suspicion who gave her that idea.
“You’re not a challenge, princess. You’re a privilege.”
Her full smile is like the sun rising over a mountain peak. We go on staring at each other as though the rest of the people out here don’t exist. It’s just Lila and me.
I’ve heard this theory that if you stare into someone’s eyes long enough, you’ll fall in love with them. I might be proving it true. I want to crush her against me like a wild man. I want to kiss her face, her mouth, her neck. I want to keep her in my arms like this forever.
It would make both of our jobs more difficult, but I’m willing to give it a try.
“Ten-minute warning for the eleven o’clock group!” One of the guides peeks his head out of the main office door just long enough to snap us out of our moment.
Pink washes over Lila’s cheeks as she tracks the space behind me. If we’re having anything like the same thought, she’s remembering we’re not the only two people on the planet.
Slowly, I lower her to the ground. We put a little space between us—but only a little.
“So do you have river certifications, too?” she says too casually.
Casual. Here’s where my fake boyfriend acting skills finally come into play.
“Nah. That’s my brother Rhett. He’s a whitewater rafting fiend. He’d be a guide on a river right now if he didn’t have responsibilities at our family’s stores.”
“Just like you would have been a mountain guide.”
“Something like that.”
She watches me too closely, no doubt drawing all sorts of harrowing conclusions.
“It’s our family business. We always knew we would work there eventually.” One day, I’ll most likely take over for our parents at the helm of operations. It doesn’t feel like that fact would help my case when she seems to think I gave up my dreams for the family business.
I barely even think about it anymore.
“Yeah, but what about doing what makes you happy?”
“That’s what vacations like this are for.” Not that I want the reminder that that’s all this is. Some downtime where I get to pretend we’re together before I have to go back to reality. Hold Lila close for a little while before I let her go.
“I used to think that way, but after spending years at a company that didn’t appreciate me, I’ve realized I’d rather create a life I don’t need to take a vacation from.”
“That’s the tourism job for you?”
“Yeah. If I get it. I spent years trying to maintain the cool-guy image of a tech firm. Everything was all about their bottom line, how smart they are, and making what they do vaguely admirable. Working for Sunshine, I’ll be boosting everyone’s businesses and helping a whole community. I’ll be doing the social media and event planning I enjoy, and also doing something good . I haven’t had that in a long time.”
She could want this promotion for entirely superficial reasons, and I wouldn’t blame her for it. But her earnest desire to build up her hometown and make a difference is like seeing a piece of her golden heart shining out just below the surface. I love that glimpse.
I want all the glimpses.
“I hope you get it.”
“Me, too.” She narrows her eyes on me, her x-ray vision peering into my head. “Do you like your job?”
It’s a genuine question, and it deserves a genuine answer.
“Working for Irwin Outdoors is all I’ve ever known.” Aside from when I was away at college, I’ve had a job there in some form or another for twenty years. I’ve never considered working anywhere else. Even if a different opportunity sought me out, I don’t think much could compel me to take it. It’s too ingrained in who I am. “But I like working with people, and talking up the gear in our stores. I don’t mind the routine of monthly reports and sales numbers. And I like being in charge.”
Her eyebrows tick up, and I swear her eyes turn a darker brown in the dappled sunlight shining through the trees. “I didn’t see that coming.”
“Being in control has a certain appeal.” I refuse to let that train of thought take hold, or I’ll derail this entire conversation. “I admit there’s a…sameness to the job lately, but I’m not unhappy in my work.”
For a split second, she looks almost disappointed, but that quickly flickers into a bright smile. “Good. If you were, I would have a thing or two to say to your parents.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
Behind us, other rafters start filing into the offices for the safety presentation. Our ten minutes are just about up.
“Are you ready to do this?” I ask her.
“Not in the slightest.”
I wish I could take pictures of Lila just like this—screaming her head off as we go over every stretch of tumbling water like she’s on the best rollercoaster ride of her life. Grinning at me in the spaces in between, when the river’s almost peaceful. Completely at ease.
I wasn’t sure she would be. Chances were high her screams would be sincere. But she’s enjoying herself even more than I’d hoped, and it’s a beautiful thing to see .
I’m not nearly as relaxed. Our conversation rolls through my mind in the quiet moments, gnawing at something tender I haven’t looked at in years. I would expect Dean to be the one to have an existential crisis on a whitewater rafting trip, but it turns out that’s me.
I’m not unhappy. The more I repeat it, the more off it sounds, like a guitar string slowly going out of tune until it’s unrecognizable. I enjoy my job. I like working with my family. I know all of my responsibilities inside and out.
And yet…
I took a month-long sabbatical and can’t adequately explain why I needed it. I spend most of my time at Rhett’s apartment because my own house is haunted by the ghost of my mistakes. Dean and Eliza’s joy makes me so deeply envious, sometimes I can’t handle being around them. I’m somehow in a fake relationship with the one woman in years who makes me want to try for a real one again.
I’m not unhappy…but I don’t know exactly what I am. I’m not sure if I’m living the life I want or the life I think I’m supposed to have.
The last time I thought I knew, I was dead wrong.
I used to go into the mountains for clarity. Right now, maybe I need a little chaos.
“Check out the osprey!” Our guide in the rear of the raft points to the bird in flight thirty feet or so past Lila’s shoulder. It slowly flaps its wings, seemingly content to join our party.
She clutches her oar to her chest and leans to the center of the boat. “No, thank you.”
The guide laughs. “They’ve got a big wingspan, but they’re small birds. Only about three pounds.”
“And they’ll claw your eyes out.”
The little girl riding in the front of the boat with her mom whips her head around to face Lila. “What? ”
Her small face contorts with fear, and I suspect Lila’s nightmares are about to spread to a new home.
Lila sits up straighter and grins wide. “I said, you have to keep an eye out. Because…they’re so cool to see.”
The girl grins back and looks at the bird as it climbs higher. “Yeah, they are.”
Lila meets my eyes and cringes adorably. I can only nod at her as affection rushes over me like I’m standing in the middle of this raging river. Maybe the life I want is right here, after all.