Chapter Six #2
Still, I hated to go home, where eggshells lined the floor, and an argument was sure to follow.
Robert always managed to make me feel worse when I felt low.
I could be pleasant or bland, but anything less than that and he’d lash out in petty, hurtful ways until I cracked.
After I came home from the funeral, he would undoubtedly start a fight.
Say something unkind about Mom, complain about her overdue property taxes, or the amount of time I’d need to spend here to prepare the home for sale.
Sometimes the reasons for his verbal attacks were so opaque I couldn’t make sense enough of the connection to fight back.
I just stood in the crosshairs while my bad day got infinitely worse.
“Mom?”
I dropped my hands onto my lap, brows furrowed, heartbroken as I looked to Alicia, then into my sweet daughter’s eyes. “I have to leave your father,” I said.
The moment of clarity was so strong, I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. I’d known for years, had planned my escape over a hundred meals with Alicia and dozens of bottles of wine.
Camilla set Raisin on the ground and rounded the table to where I sat. Then she crouched and wrapped me in her arms. “I know, Mama,” she said. “And I understand.”
Robert didn’t make a sport of ruining her days the way he ruined mine, but he was always a self-centered, moody authoritarian. He’d parented her with idle threats and grounding instead of love, on the rare occasions he’d bothered to parent her at all.
I pulled back to look at her, and part of me died as I read the sadness on her beautiful face. Any remaining piece of me that hoped I’d somehow shielded her from her dad’s behavior hung its head in shame.
“I get it,” she confirmed. “He’s not good to you, and you deserve to be cherished.” Her voice cracked as she pulled me back to her and held on so long I thought I might cry as well.
Camilla knew my marriage was bad, just as I’d known my parents’ marriage was bad, and it gutted me that I’d continued the cycle.
Did she resent me for staying? Had she prayed to the moon and stars that I’d stand up and walk away years ago?
I couldn’t ask. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
“Cami,” I said, suddenly frantic and desperate. “I don’t ever want this for you.”
She kissed my cheek, then returned to her seat. “Don’t worry. I’m okay,” she assured. “You will be too.”
I nearly laughed at the thought. “I mean it. There’s so much more to life than marriage.”
Alicia uncrossed her legs and scooted forward to squeeze my hand on the tabletop. “We don’t have to talk about this now. It’s been a rough day.”
I batted at my stinging eyes but took her advice and bit my tongue.
I thought only of how much I didn’t want to be like my mom, and how much I hated that I was.
My life was far easier than hers in every possible way, but finances held me in place as well. Finances, or fear? I wondered. Maybe a little of both.
Camilla took Raisin, as promised, when Jeff arrived. He only smiled and petted the cat’s head before setting him on the back seat of his sedan.
“He’s such a nice guy,” Alicia said, watching their car pull away.
“For how long?” I muttered, refilling my cup with wine.
Men were always nice at first, weren’t they? No one had a second date with someone who treated her poorly or knocked her down on date number one.
“Hey,” Alicia said. “Don’t do that. There are good men in this world. My guys are all examples. There’s one out there for you, too, if you ever decide to look again.”
I released a long, labored sigh. “I think it’s nice that you believe that. Right now, I just want out of the relationship I’m in, but I don’t have the first clue about how to break it to him.”
Alicia raised her cup to mine. “First you say, ‘Robert, you’re a cun—’”
“Stop!” I laughed, cutting her off. “I will not say that.”
She shrugged and took a long drink.
“I spent all the money I saved on Mom’s care,” I said. “It’ll take me years to save that much again.”
“Oh, no. You are not doing that.” Alicia set her wine aside and fixed me in a firm stare. “You talked to all those attorneys last year, and you had a favorite. Remember her?”
I nodded. “Jill.”
“Call her,” she said. “Let her remind you that regardless of what Robert says, everything the two of you have built together in twenty-two years of marriage belongs to you both. It’s not his to parcel out as he deems fit. He can’t keep it from you, and he can’t take it away.”
“He doesn’t like to lose.” And he hated any threat to his money. “Divorce can take a year or more. What if he won’t leave the house while we go through the process? I can’t live with him under those conditions. He’d make it his daily mission to torture me.”
“So leave,” she said. Her eyes brightened with mischief. “He doesn’t have to be the one who moves out. I believe I recall you saying you wanted to pack your things while he was at work and be gone when he got home. Let’s do that.”
I felt my lips curve into a smile as hope flickered inside me. With Alicia’s family’s help, and Robert’s long hours, I could pack up without him around to complain, berate, or stress me out. Then I’d only have to say the words and walk away.
I bit my lip, wanting desperately to believe it was possible.
Leaving was a risk. Robert was an estate attorney.
He was manipulative and greedy, with a network of other lawyers at his disposal.
I was sure he could take me down if he wanted.
My warped instincts told me to remain quiet and small and stay where I was.
Don’t cause trouble. It made sense to stay.
The devil I knew was manageable. The devil I didn’t know—everything outside my carefully cultivated life—was terrifying.
The ember of hope inside me wasn’t ready to let this conversation go. “Where would I stay?” I asked. The words had barely left my mouth before I knew the answer.
Alicia raised her eyes to something over my shoulder.
And I followed her gaze to my newly inherited home.