Chapter Seventeen Levi
Kai is gone and my chest aches, my mind whirring, refusing to let me fall asleep. Cole is asleep next to me, and I should be exhausted, but I’m weirdly keyed up. It’s only been a day since Kai broke things off, but I keep thinking of him, wondering how he is, what he’s doing and if he feels as weird about this as I do.
Seeing him last night, the way his eyes welled up with tears snapped something had been tightly winding up inside me. Over the weeks, without really realising it, or maybe without wanting to, I started to feel something that I knew I shouldn’t feel. In Tuscany, with my parents and Cole, I got the overwhelming feeling that I wanted him there with us, perfectly slotted between Cole and I.
When I first met Kai, I thought he was an itch to scratch, something I needed to get out of my system, but he embedded himself into my skin so quickly and now my body is painfully aware that he’s gone. But a shadow still lingers somewhere inside, and I wish I could bleed it out.
My phone buzzes under my pillow, cutting off my spiralling thoughts and Anant’s face appears. I pick up the call, sliding out of bed.
“Levi, would you do me a favour, please?” he begins on the other end, voice high-pitched and sweet.
I sigh, because of course, only Anant would need a favour at midnight on a Saturday. “What do you need?”
“Okay, so the hotel is launching a new promotional video tomorrow and I need everyone to love it because I was in charge of it. If it sucks, my dad will take me off the account. So, I need a good second opinion.”
“Where’s Kez?” I ask.
He lets out a groan. “Fine, I need a third opinion. She said it was good, but she’s contractually obligated to say that. You don’t have any reason to spare my feelings.”
“Fine,” I say, all the exhaustion stored in my body coming to me at once.
“Check your email,” Anant says on the other end. “And don’t watch it on your phone. You need the full picture.”
I roll my eyes.
“I know you’re rolling your eyes by the way.”
My head has been everywhere today, and I have no idea where my laptop is, so I quickly make my way to Cole’s office, settling in the chair and opening his. I’m about to log out of his email when I see an opened window. It’s an email from Nick. Cole never speaks about his family, and I know I shouldn’t snoop but the subject makes me pause.
Nicholas Armas
REMEMBER THIS?
There are two attachments. A video and scanned documents. I look up at the open door and then back to the laptop, my heart racing. I should ignore it; it’s none of my business but I still find myself hovering the mouse over the video.
“Levi? You still there?” Anant asks the other end.
I swallow, my heart racing. “Can I call you back?”
I don’t wait for him to answer, pressing play and dropping my phone on the desk, my heart beating so fast I think I might pass out.
The screen is dark for a moment, then a muffled sound comes out of the speakers. The camera is facing something hazy, a part of the screen blacked out, like it’s concealed under a blanket. When the haziness clears, a woman with long dark hair lies on a bed, her delicate wrists tied up with rope and her mouth gagged by what looks like a red tie.
She’s alone, and as the seconds pass, I watch her naked chest rise and fall quickly. But call it a sixth sense or whatever because I know what comes next. Cole appears in the frame. I would recognise him in the dark. He’s fully dressed in black jeans and a black shirt, and he looks down at her, smiling and unbuttoning his jeans. She moans, gazing up at him with dark eyes full of desire, the sound muffled by the gag.
My stomach wretches.
I know what comes next. I know what he’ll do to her because he’s done it to me. I can’t watch it. I click out of the video, swallowing the saliva building in my mouth. It’s like I’m here and not at the same time, like I’m watching myself with my eyes glued to the screen, unable to make myself stop because instead of closing the laptop and pretending this is all a dream, I click on the scanned document.
REPORT ON PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENT
CONFIDENTIAL
Patient Name: Cole Andrew Armas
D.O.B: 14/09/19xx
CHRONOLOGICAL AGE: 5 years, 11 months
Identifying Data and Reason for Referral:
Patient (5 years, 11 months) was referred to Doctor Philippe for psychological evaluation following an incident that took place at the family residence two days prior where the patient used a garden knife to cut open his brother’s pet rabbit in their family home.
Behavioural Observation:
Patient does not show any signs of remorse or guilt over the incident. Patient has refused to speak to Doctor Phillipe, however, shows an understanding of the questions and maintains eye contact throughout the interview.
When shown pictures of other dead animals, the patient did not show any reaction, negative or positive.
Initial Observations:
Anti-social behaviour
Lack of empathy
Pathological lying
Violent tendencies
Initial Recommendation:
Initial observations of a potential anti-social disorder/personality disorder. More assessments and monitoring required by Doctor Phillipe. If ignored, could result in acute anti-social behaviour in adulthood.
There are at least ten more medical reports, all from different years until he was fourteen. My stomach twists when I reach the final page, it looks like some sort of police report.
Cole Armas (11 years, 10 months) was discovered outside his family’s home in the early hours of Thursday morning. Sgt Beckett reports fire starters and petrol were used to start the fire. His brother, Nicholas Armas (14 years, 3 months) and an unnamed witness say they saw Cole with the fire starters earlier in the day. Cole refuses to cooperate with investigators. There were no casualties and no reported injuries.
I cover my mouth, closing the window and just then, Cole appears at the threshold of the office, eyes narrowed from the light.
“Evie?” he rasps, his voice still heavy with sleep. He frowns when his eyes assess my face. “Everything okay?”
The taste of salt dances on my lips. I reach out to touch my cheek and my whole face is wet with tears.
“Anant asked me to watch something,” I say quietly. “I was going to log into my email but then I saw…” My voice is shaking and when I look down at my hands, I realise I’m shaking too.
“Levi…”
I look back up at him. “Have you been seeing someone else?”
Asking that feels unreal. Never in a million years did I think I’d ever need to ask that. I want to think this is all one stupid joke or maybe a really bad dream. I bite the inside of my cheek, but I don’t wake up. Instead, I’m still looking at Cole and the taste of copper floods my mouth.
I see her naked body, her bound hands, her gagged mouth, and his smirk as he unbuttoned his jeans. My skin crawls, and the feeling of not being enough coming over me like a wave. Maybe this is karma for all the shit I did before him. Maybe I’ve never deserved him in the first place.
“You know I’d never do that,” he says. “That was years ago.” His voice is frustratingly level. I feel anything but.
“Then why is a video of you fucking her open on your laptop?” I ask, my voice rising an octave. I feel ridiculous but the world is tilting and contorting, the buzz in my head growing louder and louder like the crescendo to some tragedy or a swarm of deadly wasps about to attack.
“Nick sent it to me, but I barely remember her. I don’t even know why she filmed it. She probably did it to use it against me for a payout or something. Nick must have gotten his hands on it, and he sent it to me as some sort of leverage to keep me in line and far away from his inheritance.” Cole walks towards me, all evidence of sleep gone. “You have to believe me.”
My mouth pools with saliva again. I think I might vomit. I swipe away another tear that has escaped my eye.
“I’d never do that to you, Levi,” he says quietly, the desperation in his voice and his eyes is clear. “You have to know that.”
I look at him for a second. He’s a few steps away, his eyes begging me I know he’s telling me the truth. I don’t know how exactly but maybe it’s because from the moment I saw him, and he saw me we knew it was always meant to be us.
But why would Nick—it all clicks into place suddenly. “The medical reports, the police clippings…” I trail, looking up at him from where I sit. “Nick hates you because of what’s in those reports.”
Nick’s pet.
The fire.
None of it feels real. It feels like some made-up story, like I’ve just read about a stranger and not my boyfriend of two and a half years.
“Evie,” Cole begins softly. “Please let me explain.”
I stand and hunch over the desk, fighting the new wave of nausea roaring inside me. I need to get out of here. I need air. I need—
A careful hand rests on my arm and Cole is there. He holds me up, his hand cupping my cheek gently.
“Hey, look at me,” he says, eyes shining. “Breathe.”
I want to do as he says—I usually do but I can’t. Not right now. “Is it true? Are those reports real?”
He gazes back at me and my stomach drops, the words I just read umping out at me like some fucked up kaleidoscope. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Puzzle pieces are clicking into place all at once. Everything I always knew Cole was not telling me is in that email and I don’t know how to react.
He’s still holding me and as hard as I try to read what he’s thinking, I can’t. He looks calm, a sharp contrast to the onsetting panic attack that’s brewing inside me.
“I didn’t want you to know—” he pauses and sighs, “I didn’t want you to think I’m a bad person. That version of me is long gone. I messed up and my family had me evaluated for a few years because of it.”
Evaluated. The word sends goosebumps sprouting on my skin. I hate to think what it meant for a six-year-old.
There has never been a second where I’ve been afraid of him. Even now, after reading everything, I’m not, but a whirring has begun in my head, the reality of what this is sinking in.
“Are you?” I ask.
He doesn’t say anything for a second, as if he’s weighing the question in his head. “I love you, Levi. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you and I’d never let anyone, or anything hurt you.”
Cole doesn’t lie—ever. His not answering that question tells its own truth. For the first time, I think I understand him completely.
He’s hidden this part of himself from me because he thought I wouldn’t love him but he’s not the only one who was hiding something. We’ve both been lying.
I shake my head. “I have to go,” I say quietly. “Please let me go.”
Cole’s eyes flicker, and I know I’ve hurt him, but he doesn’t fight me. He lets me go and takes a step back like I burn.
“Where are you going to go?” he asks softly. I hate myself for doing this, but I need to go.
I swallow. “My parents’.”
He nods once. “Let me take you.”
He doesn’t ask me to stay.
“I can drive,” I whisper.
The drive to Holland Park is short. My father is waiting for me with the door open and when he sees my wet eyes, he hugs me tightly. He doesn’t ask any questions, just makes us both a cup of tea and sends me to bed. When I fall asleep, my dreams leave me in the middle of a fire and Cole screaming.