Chapter Twenty Levi
It has been two weeks since I last saw Cole. Fourteen days since I’ve touched him. It’s the longest we’ve gone without each other since we first met. I don’t think we’ve spent more than six days apart and in those six days, we spent the entire time texting.
I know he has someone watching me. I think I recognise most of his security detail by now and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s personally watching me too. It doesn’t bother me because, at his core, I know Cole is good. I know he loves me despite everything in that email from Nick.
I didn’t leave because of it. Nick and Cole have always had a complicated relationship, but Cole never got into the details. And as much as I understand why now, it still stings a little that he didn’t tell me the truth. There is a whole world of him that existed before we met. A world that I now realise is more complicated than I thought.
I always knew there was something about him that I couldn’t reach, something he wasn’t telling me. It’s probably what pulled me in initially. It’s what I felt Kez understood that I didn’t. And as curious as I was about it, I never wanted to upset our balance. Keeping him with me has always been what I want most.
But Kai's leaving made it clear that both Cole and I have been hiding parts of us from each other. Even if I no longer feel the overwhelming anxiety and unease I felt before Cole, I know it’s still there swirling inside me, always waiting for something to go wrong.
My father recommended I see someone, and it’s been a week of intense therapy so far, but Doctor Sloane has made it abundantly clear that having Cole is not a permanent remedy. He can’t fix me, neither can Kai and I don’t want them to. I know it’ll be a long time before I can sort through everything that goes on inside me but at least I’m not ignoring how I feel anymore.
I love Cole but I also have feelings for Kai. I don’t know what that means for us going forward but Doctor Sloane says it doesn’t make me selfish, it just makes me lucky. I choose to think about it like that from now on.
It’s Saturday and it’s an uncharacteristically warm April day. The sun beats down on us despite it only being ten in the morning as I negotiate the farmer’s market with my father. It buzzes with people dressed in their summer clothes and carrying tote bags with blooming seasonal flowers sticking out.
It has been nice being home and spending some time with my parents. As the days have passed, they have eased up a little, their bodies not as tightly wound with tension as they were when I arrived.
“I need to pick out some flowers for your mother,” my father says as we move through the rows of vendors. I have a bag of pastries in hand and Dad decided to grab a particularly large bag of asparagus for a recipe he wants to try out for dinner.
I’ve been thinking of texting Cole and inviting him over.
“Levi?” a familiar voice comes up behind me.
I turn to find Adam looking at me. He’s dressed in khakis and a sky-blue polo shirt, sunglasses perched on his head.
I flinch. There was a time I thought I could trust him. The memory of that night in my bathroom is another thing I buried deep inside me. For a long time, I wanted to pretend none of it happened, like it was some sort of bad dream and Adam was never real.
Next to me, my father briefly greets Adam and then turns to me. “I’m going to get the flowers. Meet you at the exit in ten minutes?”
I try to smile, nodding quickly as he turns away from us. Once he’s gone, I look at Adam, sucking in a quiet breath.
“Adam, it’s been a while.” My voice is level, but my entire body feels rigid.
“Knew it was you,” he says easily, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I saw you at your mother’s charity gala, but I didn’t get to say hello. Great event, by the way, you should tell her I said hello.”
“I will let her know,” I lie.
He watches me for a second. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. “I also saw Kai. He seems to have grown pretty close with you,” he says, voice still light.
My smile falters. “You spoke to him?”
He nods. “Yeah, I was surprised to see him after Anant’s birthday. I was supposed to buy him a drink before you pulled him away, you know?” He smiles sheepishly. “I was going to remind him but then I saw him with you two. Guess he wasn’t that interested in me after all.”
I can see right through whatever he’s doing. Adam is attractive and he knows it. He can’t imagine someone rejecting him. Me pulling Kai away during Anant’s party and Kai showing up to the gala with us would definitely piss him off.
I frown. “Did you say something to him?”
I think back to that night, rifling through the memories. Nothing was off about Kai at the start of the night. He was smiling and laughing until he’d disappeared for a few minutes before the auction began. When he came back there was a noticeable shift in his mood. He said he wasn’t feeling well, and I hadn’t thought too much about it but the week after that, he had been oddly distant and then he ended things.
Blood rushes through my body but I try to keep my smile in place, my voice light. “Sorry, I just mean did you two talk about anything to do with Cole and I?”
Adam laughs, lifting his eyebrows. “Nothing in particular. I just gave him a bit of advice, that's all.”
My smile falls. “Advice?”
“I just told him to be careful.”
“Careful of what?”
This time, Adam rolls his eyes. “Did you ever wonder why we drifted?”
Because you assaulted me?
“Cole cornered me a few months after you two started dating, promised he’d slit my throat if I ever came near you again,” he says. “So, I stayed away. No one wants to fuck with an Armas, especially him.”
I swallow. I did not know that, but I also know Cole didn’t say that to Adam because he was jealous. He said that because I told him what Adam did. And clearly, Adam still believes it was completely fine. He has never bothered to apologise.
“I was just letting Kai know that the same could happen to him judging by his obvious crush on you.”
My ears are ringing, anger burning through me, but I try to focus. I know what he’s implying, and it boils my blood. Kai didn’t end things because he didn’t want us anymore or because he met someone else. He must have believed Adam’s twisted theory that Cole didn’t want him near me, that he didn’t belong in our world. My stomach churns thinking how he must have felt throughout the rest of the auction. It makes sense why he chose to leave so suddenly.
I take in a quiet breath, my heart racing. “We didn’t drift because of Cole. We drifted because you tried to sleep with me whilst I was drunk.”
He lets out a single incredulous laugh. “Don’t pretend like you hadn’t been dying to fuck me for years, Levi. I was just trying to give you what you wanted.”
“But I’ve never wanted you!” I half shout.
I know a few people are looking at us now, probably appalled that we’re quite obviously arguing at a Sunday farmer’s market in such a good neighbourhood.
“Please, you’ve fucked half of London and it’s me you didn’t want?” He laughs, white teeth showing. “Right.”
It’s meant to sting but it doesn’t. So, I’m sexually liberated—sue me.
“You’re delusional and a rapist,” I spit. “And if you come near Kai again, I promise it won’t just be Cole you have to worry about.”
“That’s not true and keep your voice down,” Adam grits out. His eyes dart around to check if anyone else heard that. When he notices the people whispering around us, his face flushes a deep red. We’ve made a scene, but I don’t care. They can gossip about it at their private clubs and brunch dates. I hope they do.
“Look, Levi, I’m just trying to help,” he says. “You’ll realise I was right when Kai shows you how much of a wannabe social climber he is. They are all like that.”
Rage burns inside me. I want to spit in his face. The Levi of three years ago would have done that. But I’m not that Levi. I’m not destructive and I want to get better for Cole, for myself and maybe Kai.
“Goodbye, Adam. I really do hope you get everything you deserve.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “Wait, shit, Levi, I’m sorry—”
But I don’t stick around to listen. I need to talk to Cole. I need to go back home.