Chapter 26
The bell to the diner jingles as I step inside and I’m met with the smell of fried food and pine. Jackson has strung garland along the counter and a live tree sits in one window. The kitchen door swings open right as I enter and I’m greeted by Jackson’s smiling face.
“Cassieeeeeee.” He drags out my name and rounds the counter.
Though I haven’t spent much time with Jackson, that doesn’t stop him from wrapping me in a bear hug. We break apart, and I find a booth near the back of the diner. It’s a busy night here, but hopefully being in the back will keep our conversation private, sparing Sam any embarrassment.
Thank god, I’m early. I’ve spent the last thirty minutes rehearsing what to say, but every line sounds so cliché. It’s not you, it’s me? Give me a break.
I’ve known this day was coming since Liam kissed my pinky. In that simple gesture, I felt more than I’ve felt in the five weeks I’ve dated Sam. I wish I could feel more for Sam, but try though I might, it’s just not there. Today might hurt his feelings, but it’s the right thing to do.
Sam’s rescheduled twice due to holiday activities at school, but I’ve tried giving him subtle clues.
Less texts, shorter responses, whatever I can do so today doesn’t blindside him.
Still, my stomach is twisted up in knots.
It’s not like I’ve never broken up with someone.
But this feels different. I’m not only breaking things off with Sam, but I’m also taking the first step to parsing out my feelings for Liam.
The bell jingles again, and Sam appears in the doorway, tossing me a dimpled smile as he crosses the diner to our booth. Watching that smile drop will be so hard, but it’s got to be done. In my heart of hearts, I know this is the right thing to do.
He leans over and presses a kiss to the top of my head before sliding in across from me. “Sorry, I’ve been so busy. The holidays are wild at school.”
Swallowing hard, I look up from the menu. I’ve always had a good poker face, but today it’s failing me completely. I can’t force a smile, instead, my lips are set in a tight line, and I know there’s a tell-tale pinch between my brows.
Sam’s smile fades in increments, those sky-blue eyes laced with pain.
“This isn’t an ordinary date, is it?”
The bridge of my nose begins to burn before I can stop it. I give him a sad smile and shake my head. “Let’s order first. Then we can talk.”
I signal to Jackson who quickly takes our order and disappears to the kitchen.
My mouth opens to speak, but Sam puts up a hand. “Let me guess. It’s not me, it’s you.”
I guess that’s a cliché for a reason.
Jackson arrives with our drinks, giving me a second to collect my thoughts.
Do I just blurt out that unless I can somehow excavate Liam from my mind, I don’t see a future for us?
Or that I don’t want to ever shake Liam from my mind.
All I keep thinking about is the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
If a memory removal procedure actually existed, I fear I’d be a failed patient.
Then, like he read my mind, Sam says, “It’s that guy from Halloween, isn’t it? Liam?”
“How—why do you ask that?”
Sam takes a deep breath and looks away. “It doesn’t take a genius. At Halloween he was ready to skewer my balls on a stake. But we’ve had a few good dates, so I thought maybe that was a Liam thing and not a Cassie thing. Then at Friendsgiving, I saw the way you two looked at each other.”
I fiddle with my straw wrapper, curling and uncurling it around my finger. “I think I’ve been lying to myself about some things. And please don’t take this personally. I have truly enjoyed our time together. You’re one of the kindest men I think I’ve ever known.”
In the silence that follows, I work up the courage to look up.
Sam’s jaw is working, brow furrowed. “But I’m not him.”
Biting down on my lower lip, I nod.
Abruptly, Sam slides from the booth and stands. “I should go.” He fumbles for his wallet and flings some bills onto the table.
“Wait, Sam. Is that it?” I realize my voice has risen when people in the diner look my way. “You’re just gonna leave?” I say, more softly.
“Cassie, I can’t see any scenario where Liam doesn’t break your heart. But I also can’t sit across from you, eat dinner with you, and pretend this is all hunky dory.”
“Sam…” I start, but my words trail off. I can’t force him to stay if he doesn’t want to.
“Don’t, Cassie.” Sam pinches the bridge of his nose and looks to the ceiling just as Jackson arrives with our order.
Jackson looks bewildered, his head on a swivel from me to Sam, then starts taking slow backward steps.
“I’ll come back in a minute.”
Sam turns to leave, but at the last second he pauses and turns back to me. “You’re beautiful and smart and fun to be around. Much too smart to fool yourself into thinking you can fix him.”
Okie dokie. So Sam does have some bite to him. And his shot hit its mark right where it hurts.
Rolling my lips, I look at my hands, turning Sam’s words over in my mind. I hate to admit it but he’s right. Because isn’t that the same thing I did with Alan? I knew he had flaws, and when I wasn’t looking past them, I was convinced I could fix them.
But Liam isn’t my next project to fix. Is he? I put a pin in this thought for later.
“I think you’re right. You should go.” I bite out, and Sam crosses the diner and he’s out the door.
As soon as he’s gone, Jackson returns with my food.
“So, I take it things are not going well with pretty boy?”
I huff a laugh. “That’s one way to put it. I just ended things.”
“Uh, yeah. That much was obvious. He didn’t take it well?”
“Not particularly.” I push the sandwich away, my appetite gone. “Can I get a box for this?”
“Of course.” But he doesn’t move to leave. He’s studying me with an expression I can’t quite read. “You talked to Liam lately?”
“Not in a couple weeks. Why?”
“He looked better at poker night. More himself. I mean, he still got his ass handed to him a couple times, though. I actually won a hand.” Jackson grins. “First time in months.”
A customer grabs Jackson’s attention and he leaves to refill their drinks.
While I wait on my to-go box, my phone vibrates with a text.
Penny
How’d it go?
Josie
What are we discussing?
Penny
Shit. Wrong text thread.
Josie
Cassie? Care to share with the class?
Another text comes through on the thread that’s just Penny and me.
Penny
I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.
Honestly, it’s fine. I’d have told Josie anyway.
Then I switch back to the group chat.
I broke things off with Sam.
And it was fine.
I’m not about to tell them Sam’s reaction or what he said about Liam. I’d rather let them keep a high opinion of Sam.
Josie
So, what happens now?
I leave Josie’s question hanging, because the truth is, I have no idea what happens now.
Liam asked for patience, and I’ll give that to him for now.
But as his friend and someone who is quickly realizing how strong my feelings are, I want to push.
I want to snap my fingers and Liam be healed.
But the therapist in me knows some people need time.