Chapter 11
brENT
I chose Longwood U because of its queer friendly environment. When my aunt took me for a tour, I loved everything I saw. It immediately felt like home. My being gay wasn’t just tolerated; it was a non-factor about me. I was just me, and my sexuality didn’t matter.
I’d purposefully worn a pride shirt because I promised myself that once I left high school, I was no longer hiding.
I’d spent my entire childhood hiding to try to keep my parents’ love.
Not to be a target at school. But once high school was over, once I left that place behind, I was leaving everything about that life behind and beginning again.
Which meant I needed to find a college where I felt safe. It meant I needed to announce I’m gay without actually having to shout it. A pride shirt did that.
Walking on campus was terrifying, but not once did anyone glare, curse me, or anything. I received smiles, greetings, and… I’m inclined to say acceptance, but I don’t mean in a gay-tolerating way. I mean in the same way we all want to be accepted by our peers. We want to just be.
I knew that Longwood U was where I wanted to go to school.
While I don’t know if anyone actually announces their sexuality, in the years I’ve been attending, I’ve found it’s a pretty even mix, and I love it.
I love just living like that. Existing. Not having to think about this thing that shouldn’t be something I have to worry about when I walk outside.
I’m reminded of the immediate feeling of knowing that Longwood U was where I wanted to be while at dinner with Rafe’s family last night. There was zero judgment. Not even in the form of teasing. The only thing anyone said was from his mom, concerning the girls he was supposed to be meeting.
“Why did you only let me set you up with young women, Rafe? Why didn’t you tell me you’d like to consider men for your marriage contract?”
Rafe had rolled his eyes. “Because I’m not getting married, Ma. I told you I’m not ready. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in dating. It means I’m not interested in a marriage contract right now.”
Eyes turned to me, and I flushed.
“I’m sorry,” his father said. “I’ve always had the understanding that a person dates with the ultimate goal of marriage.”
“Maybe in your day,” Rafe says, making his father laugh and several others at the table.
“But I’m just dating to date. Because I like Brent.
I like spending time with him. I like our friendship.
I like our chemistry. Maybe it’ll last a month.
Maybe a year. Maybe forever. I don’t know.
But I’m not dating him with a goal in mind except for both of our happiness in the situation. ”
It’s not surprising that I’ve been awake most of the night replaying his words in my head over and over again. I like our chemistry. I’m reading too much into this, I know. But where did that come from? Do we have chemistry? Or was it simply something for the crowd?
When we climbed into bed last night, he immediately took my hand under the covers. He flashed me a smile when I looked at him and closed his eyes. He fell asleep almost right away while I was left wide awake, my heart pounding.
Does it mean something? I can’t tell by looking into his eyes. The way he looks at me doesn’t seem to have changed, so… why is he holding my hand?
Worse yet, I wake up in his fucking arms, and my cock is ready to burst from being this close to him. My heart is hammering so loudly in my chest, I know it’s going to wake him. But it’s my cock that I’m worried about.
I can’t imagine he’ll be offended. It’s not like we haven’t seen each other hard before.
We share a room, and we’re both in our early twenties.
Waking up with morning wood is pretty normal.
The difference is that we’re in bed together.
He’s wrapped around me like a lover. My heart is ready to slam its way out of my chest. Everything inside of me aches as I try to hold still and not rub myself all over him like a cat, just so I can get a little friction and get off.
Fake. Fake. Fake.
No matter how loudly I scream the word in my head, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m pressed against him. I’m his little spoon. And he fits around me so perfectly. That’s not even fair. It’s bullshit. Why does he have to be exactly everything I’m in love with, and this is all fake?
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to think of literally anything else. Except my brain conjures the memory of the glory hole and still insists that the anonymous guy beyond the wall was Rafe.
Not helping!
Okay, okay. Baseball. Sitting in the stands as the pitcher throws the ball and the batter swings, missing it. Over and over. No one moves. No progression of the inning. It feels like it’s at a stalemate. A record on repeat.
I’m immersed in the dullness of my imagination right up until I feel Rafe move. He hums sleepily, rubbing his face in the back of my hair. He chuckles, and the sound is filled with sleep. It’s sexy. I try my damnedest not to shiver with pleasure.
“Morning.”
If I answer, my voice is going to be breathless. So I grunt something instead.
“Sorry,” he murmurs. “Guess another body in bed means I immediately want to cuddle in my sleep.”
I nod, shrugging. That’s nonchalant, right? I swallow the lump in my throat and then gently pull away, trying to make sure I don’t appear… upset or uncomfortable. “I’m going to take a shower.”
“Kay.”
It takes more concentration than I’d care to admit not to sprint into the bathroom and slam the door shut.
I’m impressed with my self-control when I step foot into the bathroom and gently close myself in.
Releasing a heavy sigh, I lean against the door and drop my hand to my cock, giving myself a squeeze through my underwear.
God, what is wrong with me? I need to stop lusting after this man. He needs to stop saying things that have me pining after him. Holding my hand in bed at night, falling asleep? Fuck.
At least I’m pretty sure the cuddling was happenstance. I don’t think either of us did that consciously.
I take a deep breath and will myself to calm down.
To take my mind off my growing problem, I look around the room, admiring the strangeness that is a library inside a bathroom.
Or is it the other way around? I feel this is disastrous.
You shouldn’t have this much moisture around books.
My eyes flicker to the ceiling. There must be some really good ventilation in here.
Fuck it. I’m just going to have to jerk off in the shower. As if I wasn’t going to do that anyway.
I shove my underwear down and step into the expansive shower before turning it on. The shock of cold water makes me gasp, but I use it as a much-needed break from the horny fog in my head. First order of business is taking care of this damn hard-on.
There’s a variety of shower products, so I pump a squirt of body wash into my palm and then wrap it around my dick to stroke. As it suds, the scent fills my head, and I groan. Of course it smells like Rafe. This is his shower, after all. Was I truly expecting anything else?
I close my eyes and imagine his hand around my cock as I pump my fist. The way he pressed against my back this morning. His face in my hair. How warm his body was against mine. His smooth skin.
My teeth sink into my tongue to stifle my groan. I don’t think Rafe can hear me through the walls and over the shower, but just in case, I’d rather not test it. The absolute last thing I need is for him to hear me moaning in his shower.
The image of my fantasy in my head is so clear, and it somehow pairs nicely with the memory of the guy at the glory hole that I come hard.
I sway on my feet and quickly press my palm to the wall to catch my balance as I work my balls empty.
Gasping. Trying to shake off the remnants of the beautiful image in my head.
I try to reason with myself that at this point, I’ve worked Rafe up so much in my head that he’ll probably be a letdown if I ever get the chance to fuck around with him.
This is the mantra I try to keep as I finish my shower.
Reason states that no one lives up to the fantasy they star in. Rafe can’t be any different.
Stepping out of the shower, I realize I ran into the bathroom so quickly that I’ve brought nothing with me.
Sighing, I dry off and then wrap the towel around my waist, reminding myself that I’ve not only seen Rafe in nothing but a towel but he’s seen me this way as well.
Many times. We’re roommates. This is normal.
Pep talk given, I step back into the bedroom and say the first thing I can think of. “Why do you have a library in the bathroom?”
Rafe is still lounging in bed. He has his phone in hand, and he grins at my question. “No idea. It’s always been there.”
“That can’t be good for the books.”
“The air system is beyond top-notch. Moisture doesn’t stick around.”
“Huh.”
He shrugs as he gets up and stretches. My eyes immediately roam down his naked chest, muscles flexed as he reaches over his head, and the prominent crown of his dick pressing against his shorts. Teasing.
I turn away and head for my bag. Damn cock twitches under my towel. Never mind that I just got off. Rafe Holt is my wet dream.
“I’m going to run through the shower real quick. Be out in a minute,” Rafe says.
I nod and then cringe once I hear the bathroom door shut. Fuck, what if I didn’t clean up well enough and there’s still cum on the walls or something?
I’m going to turn into a nervous ball of energy if I keep thinking about Rafe this way. This is going to be a very long week if I can’t get myself under control.
“We’re friends,” I whisper into my bag. “That’s it. That’s all we’ll ever be.”
Friends. Best friends. In reality, that’s more than enough. Rafe’s the best friend I’ve never had, and I don’t ever want to lose that. I’ve gone through life without good friends, and that’s not a future I’m in a hurry to relive.
This seems to be the sobering thought, and I’m well under control when Rafe comes out of the bathroom in his towel. Yes, I still look. My brain and dick are all ready to jump on him. But this is the familiar lusting I’m used to. Always crushing from just beside him.
Rafe disappears into his closet as he says, “You’re right. It’s weird to have all those books in there. The shelves are built in, so I’m guessing that the room was something else before it was converted into a bathroom. Instead of relocating the books, they built them into the aesthetic.”
“It’s cool as shit, even if it’s weird as fuck.”
He laughs and comes out in pants as he pulls a shirt over his head. “It is.”
“What’s up today?” I ask.
“Christmas Eve,” he answers, grinning hugely. “Big breakfast. Hanging around with family. More will be arriving throughout the day. We all sneak away to wrap presents and sneak them under the tree while no one is looking.”
“I feel weird not bringing anything,” I say.
“Since it’s acceptable to give gifts together as part of a couple, I’ll just add your name to my tags.” He winks.
My stomach flips, but I ignore it. “When did you do your shopping anyway?”
“I do my shopping almost exclusively online, as most sane people do, so I’ve been picking away at it over the last couple months. Everything is shipped here.” He nods his head into the closet, and I get up to join him at the door.
What I missed yesterday, in my amazement at the room I’ve been peeking in, is that there’s a pile of boxes and packages in the corner by his computer setup.
“I take the risk of not knowing if something comes damaged or doesn’t arrive at all this way, but it also saves me from having to store this shit at the frat house and then remembering to bring it all home with me and forgetting something.”
“That makes a lot of sense,” I say.
“Yeah. Later we’ll stop in the prep room and grab some wrapping paper to wrap this shit. Then haul it downstairs to stick under the tree.”
“So we’re just hanging out today? Wrapping is your Christmas Eve tradition?”
I follow him from the room and into the hall.
“Family is our tradition. Today, tomorrow, and the day after Christmas are all about family. For much of our family, this is the only time throughout the year that we get to see each other. While the entire ten days are about family, most of the other days have different kinds of traditions, like the holiday festival, sleigh rides, and the party event. Still all about family, and we do it together, but these three days are specifically for reconnecting.”
I’d written off the importance of family once mine disowned me. But the more I listen to Rafe talk about his, the more I realize how much I long for a family. Not the one I was born into. Apparently, I’d been a shitty person in a previous life.
But now I want a family just like Rafe’s. One who understands what’s important and what’s not something you kick your kid out for. A family that loves each other. Who wants to spend time together.
I already know from the little bit I’ve seen so far that as every day goes by, I’m going to fall more in love with Rafe’s family. It’s what my heart longs for. It’s what’s been missing from my life. I hadn’t understood the importance of family until now.
Rafe takes my hand as we head for the stairs, and I lean a little closer into his side.
“You okay?” he asks.
I nod. “I like your family,” I admit.
He smiles. “I’m glad. They’re your family now too. You’ve already been adopted in.”
My heart both leaps at his words and aches. Because he means them in a different way than I long for. Nonetheless, I’m still filled with hope at his words. An overwhelming kind of emotion that I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. Family.