Chapter 23
brENT
It’s not unusual for me to wake up with the sun on my face. My bed is right against the window facing east, so I wake up every clear morning this way.
What’s unusual is that the bed is hard as fuck. My hip aches. It matches the ache in my ass.
Opening my eyes, I remember exactly where I am. Okay, not exactly. Did we fall asleep outside? It takes a confused minute for last night’s activities to come back. Oh… right.
My cheeks flush. Fucking hell, I can’t believe we’re on the balcony. I dip my face under the blanket and press it against Rafe’s chest, horrified.
As if the world is challenging me to see how much more horrified I can become, I hear quiet laughter that isn’t coming from Rafe.
Rafe mumbles something, but I can’t interpret it through my horror.
“If you don’t want to be seen, you shouldn’t fall asleep naked on the balcony.”
“Oh my god,” I mutter.
Rafe laughs. “We needed a change of scenery. Don’t be jealous that your life is vanilla.”
More laughter.
“Now go away. You’re embarrassing my lover.”
I pinch his side. Rafe jerks, laughing. He presses a kiss to my head. “My dick of a brother went in. You can come out now.”
“I don’t think so. I’m not leaving your room for the rest of the time we’re here.”
He chuckles. “Come on. Let me wash your pretty hole in the shower before we head downstairs.”
It’s hard to deny that request. Remembering yesterday morning and the way he held me against him in the shower while he gently washed my body clean of his cum and lube has me grudgingly moving.
Making sure that Rafe’s brother is no longer looking at us from the balcony and that there isn’t someone on the third balcony convinces me to get up and sprint into the bedroom.
Rafe’s laughter follows me. He’s not as quick to join as he picks up the blankets we’d been using.
I watch from a safe distance where no one can see me through the balcony door as he drops them into a pile at the foot of the bed.
“Do you have house cleaners?” I ask as he moves naked through the room.
“No. Well, yes. But not full time, which I think is how you’re asking.”
“Are we stopping in the laundry room?” There’s not much left on his bed.
Rafe grins. “Nope. We’re shoving this down the laundry chute on the way down to breakfast. We’ll put clean blankets on the bed when we come up tonight.” He places his hand on my stomach and pushes me backward into the bathroom. His hand on me has my cock excited. Because of course it does.
Something he doesn’t miss. His pleased smile has me flushing.
We stop at the sinks and brush our teeth before getting into the shower and turning the cold water on. “Should we get off again?”
“You’d think I’d be empty by now,” I mutter, somewhat frustrated with my needy body, but also kind of impressed.
“So that’s a yes.” Rafe pushes my back to the tile and drops to his knees. Before I can say anything else—mostly because I’m breathless by the view of him on his knees in front of me—he has my dick in his mouth and his fingers pushing into my ass.
My head falls back, hitting the tile painfully.
Even that dull throb doesn’t break through the tidal wave of lust he sends through me.
I’m not sure if it’s his mouth on my cock, expertly sucking on me, or his fingers in my ass, playing my prostate like a flute.
There’s a tune in his fingers. I’m sure.
I’m shaking like an addict when I come. My knees buckle, and I slide down the wall a couple inches as white-hot pleasure pools and shoots from my core.
Rafe sucks me dry, not missing a drop. When he’s on his feet, mouth pressed to mine and sharing a mouthful of my load he generously saved for me, it takes all the coordination left in my body to remain upright and clinging to him.
Just as Rafe promised, he cleans my used and sensitive hole. Our kisses soften, becoming more sensual and slow. Despite the fact that he’s spraying water up my ass and letting all kinds of shit fall from me, it’s probably a moment that I’ll always remember.
He’s taking care of my needs. Of my body. He’s making me feel important. Precious. Maybe that’s not what he’s going for, but that’s what’s happening right now.
It makes my heart throb with longing.
I’m all wrinkly by the time we get out of the shower. We dress and head downstairs. I don’t know which brother was on the balcony, and I do my best not to look at either of them. I pretend my cheeks don’t heat when they’re around.
We don’t eat in the courtyard this morning since it’s turned dreary and drizzly. We’re in a room that I’ve yet to visit. Surrounded by windows overlooking the vineyard. It’s set up in a way that reminds me of afternoon tea. I don’t know if I’ve ever had afternoon tea, but it’s a vibe for sure.
We eat with my cousins this morning, and I catch up on their lives. I’ve talked to my uncles far more than I have my cousins over the years. I think because they were always a beacon of hope. Gay men living a happy life. I wanted a piece of that. I wanted my life to look like theirs.
Maybe not the details, but I wanted what they had—love and family.
After breakfast, my uncles find us. “Hey, so there’s a chapel outside,” Zaiden says.
Rafe nods. “You want to check it out?”
“Can we?”
“Of course.” He takes my hand and leads us through the maze of halls to the front door. I don’t think we make more than a single turn, and yet, it still feels like they’re winding all over.
Outside and across the circular driveway, through a steady drizzle of rain, is a small chapel.
It’s not much bigger than a few of the rooms at the Omega frat house combined.
It matches the castle in its stone exterior, arched lead-glass windows, and thick wooden doors.
The only difference is the spire and cross.
There are a dozen pews, a pulpit, and a podium with a small piano at the side. Honestly, it’s kind of beautiful. There’s a sense of peace here that’s absent from so much of the world.
“Beautiful,” Zaiden says and sits in the second pew. Ellsworth joins him, his eyes scanning the walls and ceiling. All the fixtures.
Rafe pulls me into the third pew on the opposite side of the aisle. I stare at the simple cross behind the altar for a minute before bowing my head.
I don’t pray often. Sometimes I feel like my words are never heard. Considering I prayed for my family to accept and love me every day for four years, and that’s not the outcome I received, I’m not all that convinced that God listens.
There are millions of people who believe in him, after all. Why would he listen to me? While I’m relatively certain I believe in God in some capacity, I don’t believe a lot of what I’ve been taught. Primarily, I don’t think God listens to every single prayer.
So while I sit here respectfully and enjoy the peace that the chapel brings, I don’t pray.
Instead, I close my eyes and think about what I’m thankful for right now.
My uncles. That little sliver of family I have left.
I’m thankful for Rafe’s family and how they welcomed me with open arms. Not just in making me feel welcome here, but in making me an instant part of the family.
I’m thankful for Rafe and all these minutes we have together.
It’s tempting to ask for more. To pray that Rafe might feel the same way I do. But I don’t. I refuse. Instead, I just put out there into the universe how thankful I am for these days, these hours with Rafe.
Maybe God listens, and maybe He doesn’t. That’s okay.
My uncles get up, and we follow.
“Did you find what you were looking for?” Rafe asks, his hand slipping back into mine.
Ellsworth gives him a smile and shakes his head.
“I’ve been all over the world. I’ve done pilgrimages to every sacred and holy site we can find—from all kinds of religions and belief systems, dating back to the time of the druids.
Ancient Egyptians. And before. I’m not sure there’s anything in this world for me to find at this point. ”
He sighs. Zaiden hugs him in the doorway, kissing his cheek softly.
“He’d still be proud of you, El.”
“Maybe,” Ellsworth says.
“I’m proud of you,” Rafe says.
Ellsworth looks at him with surprise. “Oh?”
“Thirty years, right?” My uncle nods. “That’s a long, long time to be searching for something that you don’t think exists and that you can’t find.
Most people would have given up by now. I’m humbled by your dedication to keeping a promise you made to someone who wouldn’t know the difference if you gave up right now, two decades ago, or in two months from now.
That’s something to be really proud of.”
“You don’t think he knows?” Ellsworth asks.
“Do you?”
He studies Rafe for a minute and then gives him an amused smile. “You’re tricking me with this question.”
“Am I?” Rafe asks, pulling his innocent act off very convincingly.
“To admit that I think he’d know means that I believe there’s something after death.”
“Is that why you keep looking? Just in case there is?” Rafe asks.
“No. I’m looking because I love my husband, and I made a promise to him as he took his last breaths.”
“That’s some impressively enduring love,” Rafe notes.
Ellsworth stares at him again. His gaze moves beyond us and toward the pulpit.
“Love is just as intangible as faith,” Rafe says quietly. “It’s hard to believe in what you can’t see.”
“You can feel love,” Ellsworth says.
“For some, they can feel faith,” Rafe argues.
“It’s a feeling more than a tangible proof of existence is what you’re saying.”
“No, that’s something my grandma might say. I’m just telling you that some people feel faith and love in the same way.”
Zaiden isn’t trying to hide his smile. I attempt to keep mine small, though. I’ve always believed that Rafe is the most amazing man. I’ve never seen my Uncle Ellsworth come this close to maybe, possibly understanding faith in this way.
“When I say I have faith in Brent that he’s going to become an amazing author someday, that’s not tangible. That’s a feeling. It’s my trust and confidence in him. He can’t feel it except through my actions. I feel it in my soul.”
My breaths feel shallow as I look at him. He’s never said that before. Not to me. Does he really think that, or is he just using it as an example?
Ellsworth nods slowly. “I see your point.”
“I’m not trying to convince you either way. I’m just telling you that there are other things than tangible proof of things out there. Not long ago, there was a debate about whether having empathy was a strength or a weakness. Do you remember?”
“Considering it was in my lifetime and not yours, yes,” Ellsworth says.
Rafe smiles. “Empathy is also a feeling, and it drove a whole movement of assholes to prove that they’re pieces of shit because they have zero compassion for anyone who is different from them. Feelings are powerful. They can drive change for good and bad.”
“I’ve always kind of thought of religion that way.
Something that drives people. While at its core it’s supposed to be a good thing, throughout history it’s proven to be a road for violence of unspeakable volume,” Ellsworth muses.
“I suppose that’s one of the reasons I’ve struggled when looking for a god of any kind.
If a being that you can’t see, hear, or tangibly feel drives people to do terrible things in its name, why would I want to believe in it? ”
“I’d like to point out that polytheistic societies have gods of all natures—including those that would reap your destruction. There’s a balance there. The only difference between polytheism and monotheism is that with a single god, they encompass everything. They are the balance,” Rafe says.
“What are you studying?” Zaiden asks.
Rafe laughs. “Marketing and business. But if you haven’t met my grandma yet, I encourage you to have a conversation with her.”
“You’ll have to introduce us later,” Ellsworth says.
“This short conversation has given me far more to consider than years of traveling the globe looking for something that can’t be found.
All I have to show for myself and those travels is a lifetime of wonderful memories with my husband and family. ”
“Sounds to me like maybe you found something you weren’t looking for,” Rafe says.
He gestures for us to go outside, and like some corny TV special, the rain has stopped and a rainbow glitters across the sky.
“There’s a lot of debate about the purpose of life, but I think this quest you’ve taken under one name is actually a quest of a different sort. One you’ve found the answer to.”
He wraps his arms around my waist from behind and rests his chin on my shoulder as the four of us stare at the rainbow.
“My purpose,” Ellsworth murmurs, pulling Zaiden to his side with his arm around Zaiden’s waist. “I spent a long time trying to beat belief into myself. I’ve spent much longer trying to peacefully find it. In that time, I found happiness and love instead of faith.”
“You found peace,” Zaiden says. “And that was half of your promise.”
“You know what I believe?” Rafe asks.
Ellsworth glances at him.
“Whether you believe in a higher being or not, you can learn from the teachings. You can choose to be a good person in your beliefs and actions. I do believe there’s a purpose to life, but it’s whatever speaks to you.
For me, my purpose is to continue my family’s legacy.
I want that with my whole heart. I want a partner who shares my passion—not a carbon copy of my exact passions, but someone who has dreams and a determination to reach them.
I want a partner, not a house spouse. I want to spend my life making memories, building a family, being in love, and growing my family’s business.
That’s my purpose. And I believe in pursuing this purpose and living by the medical creed of ‘do no harm,’ that is itself a reflection of my spiritual beliefs. ”
His arms tighten around me, and I try not to take that as a subliminal message that I’m the partner in his life’s pursuit.
I want to be. With my whole fucking being, I want to share that life with Rafe. Maybe I send up a little prayer to encourage it along. God has never listened to me in the past, but maybe just this once, He will.