CHAPTER 28 #2
I clear my throat. “Um, yeah.” When she doesn’t invite me in, I realize I’m going to have to do this in her apartment hallway.
“I want to start by saying I’m really sorry for how I treated you yesterday.
I was going through some tough shit, and instead of pushing it to the side, I took it out on you. ”
She nods, her gaze falling to the floor.
“You don’t deserve that kind of treatment, Maple.
You’ve been patient with me, you’ve cared about me and my well-being, and you’ve given me multiple chances to make up for my shit behavior.
So I understand why this time…this time you’ve taken a step back.
Not only was I an asshole to you, but I hurt you. ”
I wet my lips, my nerves making my skin crawl as I try to articulate what I’m feeling.
“I need you to know that, that…fuck.” I let out a deep breath.
“I like you, Maple, and these feelings I have for you, they’re…
they’re out of my comfort zone, which doesn’t give me an excuse to treat you the way that I did, to belittle you in front of my teammates.
It’s inexcusable, and I’m really fucking sorry.
” I tip her chin up so she can look at me, and fuck, there they are, the tears once again brimming in her eyes.
“It was never my intention to hurt you, Maple. I don’t want to hurt you. Ever.”
She blinks, and a tear falls down her cheek.
Yet here I am, hurting her.
She’s crying.
Because of me.
Because I’m a fuckup.
I quickly wipe her tears away with my thumb, and as the hot liquid melts into my skin, I question if I’m doing the right thing. If I should even be here.
If I can make her cry like this, then how the hell do I come off trying to tell her about my feelings?
Do I even have anything to offer her other than heartache?
I’m a man with so much baggage, so much heartache of my own, that all I would be doing is loading it onto her when she is too goddamn innocent for any of it.
She’s sunshine and radiance.
She’s joy and strength.
She’s so much more than I could ever be, and standing here, witnessing the pain I can cause her, I realize just how much I don’t deserve this.
I don’t deserve her.
What the hell am I even doing?
I need…hell, I need to let her go.
I wet my lips and pull my hand away, knowing that at least I can offer her the reassurance that she did nothing wrong, that I truly regret how I acted.
I owe her that much.
I stick my hands back in my pockets and take a step away from her, attempting to keep my distance so I don’t do something stupid, like push her into her apartment, up against her wall, and steal that innocence right from her mouth.
“I’m sorry, Maple. Really fucking sorry, and I hope that…
that we can move forward from this and at least be friendly with each other.
” Friendly, Jesus, I hate everything about that.
“And moving forward, you have my word that I won’t ever put you in a situation like I did ever again because you deserve better treatment than what I bestowed upon you yesterday. ”
Her lashes flutter up as her eyes connect with mine, causing my heart to tumble out of my goddamn chest, right in front of us, on the dirty, scratched-up floor of her apartment hallway.
She’s so beautiful that it takes my breath away, and I just wish there was an alternate reality where I could claim her. Make her mine.
Where I wasn’t weighed down by my past, by my fucked-up future.
Where I could be a healthy contribution to her happiness rather than a troubled burden.
“Okay.” I tug on the back of my neck, taking another step away from her. “Um, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow unless you don’t want to. Up to you.” God, I sound like a rambling moron.
Just leave.
I offer her a sad smile, then turn and head through the hallway of her apartment and down the stairs to the street.
When the fresh air hits me, I let out a deep breath, the stress of that conversation constricting my chest.
I truly thought that was going to go so differently, but the minute I saw the pain I caused, I knew I didn’t have a right to even consider asking her to give me a chance.
She lives in a world of sunshine, where she takes care of birds and can bring joy to others while standing up for those who don’t have a voice.
I live in a world of dark, foreboding clouds that are ready to strike me down any chance they get. Between the tumultuous, abusive relationship with my dad and the agonizing relationship with my mom…it’s not something she needs to be a part of.
Not to mention, I’m not mentally capable of a relationship. I told myself that a long time ago, so I don’t know what the hell I was thinking—other than that I feel lighter around her and I wanted to hang on to that.
I head down the street toward my truck, my brain a muddied mess of emotions that I’m having a hell of a time working through. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and needing the reprieve from my thoughts, I pull it out and find a text from Maple.
I pause, about to turn the corner to head toward my truck.
I swipe open the screen and read two simple words that steal my breath.
Maple: Come back.
I look over my shoulder at her apartment building, my body wanting to flee in that direction, my brain telling me I should leave her be.
The problem is, though, I’ve never made the smartest decisions, and before I can stop myself…I head back in the direction of her apartment building.